Hi it's already mid month of April.. I really cant believe how time is passing.. It really seems to be passing faster as the years go by.. Me getting over my relationship is nowhere near done, especially not with him lingering around. I don't know what I'm staying for. I don't wanna lose him but at the same time I know I have to. There's no friends in us because we were never friends to begin with.. As much as I want to make it work, it just simply doesnt. And when things just keep proving that my leave was a correct choice, it makes me even more frustrated. Because even though I love you I just know we cannot work out. I dont see the point of giving false hopes. I'd rather be the one to leave than to see him riding some other girl months down the road. I cannot look past myself. I just know everyone is dispensable regardless and I just don't want to be in that position of being replaced. I'd rather let myself delude myself with certain fake realities or future realities than to deal with it as it comes. It's bad in a way because it hasnt happened but really come on, do I really have to wait till it happens?

I thought I could deal with that bunch of new people I met in the beginning of the month. Look how that turned out. I'm so glad no one's pestering me about what happened and I'm so glad my best friends are still around me supporting me and telling me I deserve more. I'm so generous when I'm serious but it has come to a point in my life where I can't deal with people leaving me anymore. I need to learn to leave first so I don't have to deal with the aftermath. As much as i pretend everything's alright, everything inside me is falling apart. I don't know how I survived the past 4 months. Things could've been so easy if it didnt have to take a break up to change ur perspective in things. But fate made this happen and it has no return. At least I know I can't return no matter how much I want it. Because I'm all or nothing. I can't put my heart in someone and ask for no status. I can't pin on an unsteady future and just stop my life to wait for something that might not even be there.

As much as it'll hurt if we both move on, I just can't see another way to this. As much as I want to love you and shower u with concern I just cannot bring myself to. Because once I'm in there's no out and I just can't put myself back into that position. I've lost myself and I still haven't found her back. I'm still hoping someone out there to love me even though I can't love myself and because of that I cannot be in a relationship. I'm still as toxic as I used to be and no one in the world should deserve a toxic girl in their lives. I'd rather leave people and let people find someone new than to be drowned in whatever I myself am drowning in. I dont care if they dont understand. Because I'm done explaining to others. I just dont wanna be walking in someone else's shadow again. And I really am damn sure I'm not ready to be paranoid about another person. Sometimes it's not your fault. It's my own and I cannot seem to get out of this toxic cycle because I am just insecure like this and I dont expect ANYONE in the world to accept me. Leave. Just leave if it's too much. Because I'm too used to people leaving me it doesn't even surprise me anymore.