Ah weekends~

Hello~

My weekends going so well~~~

Yesterday's lessons were killers. School ended at 8plus9. I reached home, bathed and before I headed out....... I COULDN'T FIND MY BLOODY WEDGES. I can't believe this. I remember clearly where I put the damn shoes. But no it was nowhere to be found. Until now I'm so mad. I was supposed to meet lili at 11pm but I used 30minutes to find the damn shoes and got so mad. So met her at 12 instead. Woah her train last warning. It took forever to came. I left house later than her but she reached so much later than me. LOL.

Went butter last night. Yeah butter again. I don't know uh I just really like that place even though it has given me a lot of horrible incidents. I like the ambience over there, I like the kind of people who go there and I LOVE BUTTERFACT'S MUSIC. Only at 1, Sky opened bottle for us. Before that we were just walking around.... Thinking if we should buy drinks or dance or what... So we bought our own drink and then we went back to find Sky for more drinks. This other promoter, David, woah one of the most anti social person I've met in my life. I swearrrrr it's weird. Hahaha. Oh wells I had fun anyways. I don't know where this friend of Sky's came from but I was with him the whole time. Coincidentally he lives SO DAMN NEAR ME. So shocked. So yeah we shared cab back home.

Haha good night, good vibez. <3 Cheers to more nights like this

My Saturday is going pretty slowly and i'm loving it. Go slower please I don't want the weekdays to come... :( But I'm actually excited for recital!!! I'm excited because NO CLASSES FOR THAT DAY WOOHOO. I'm sure I can survive next week. I CAN I CAN!! I just am super sick of Miss Melissa. Someone save me. Her classes are sooooooo dry soooo boring soooo sleepy. And I see her every tues and wed morning. My most dreaded mornings are those 2 days. Sigh I'll survive.... I have survived one month. 3 more to go and it's winter break. I can do this I can I can.

Oh my god it is like 12.26 now but I just reached home from rehearsal and I haven't bathe but I decided I should just blog anyways because I just feel like it muahaha.

Today has been a rather odd day.

Of course I didn't went for morning classes. Was feeling like shit the moment I woke up. Chey. Went for ballet class and it was actually one good class!!! Cuz hmmm apparently we were filmed for next week's self assessment. Like wuttttt gurl I didn't even know I had a self assessment. HAHA. Jenny's class was a bloody torture. It's not that I don't wanna be open to new genres ok. BUT SERIOUSLY. We have no chinese dance background at all. At least most of us. & she makes us do shit we can't even do. Pls stop. I don't wanna break my arms or my legs or my anywhere.

So I went to Mazlan's class myself because Liqian couldn't make it. Not really la since my recital mates were there so all's good. Freaaaaaking in love with his choreographies ok. HOW CAN ONE CHOREOGRAPH SO WELL. I can't understand this. Such a good choreographer but when it comes to choreographing or managing a piece... It's just everywhere and anyhow. Aw man. We're still not done with the choreography of our own recital piece. But you know what..... There's this new formation where me and Hasanah one of my recital mates, are just there to compliment Mazlan. I GET TO DANCE BESIDE HIM ON STAGE? WOW he said "You're ma models" HAHAHA ERRRRR to me that's a big deal like hello~~~ Though it's like a few seconds only BUT SERIOUSLY that's enough for me hahaha.

We're left with like 2 eights uncompleted... One more rehearsal to go. Aw man I really hope it doesn't look messy.. Sigh :'( When I was walking to the mrt, suddenly someone said "BYE SHANETTE!" from a distance and I was like whuuuut. And guess who. MAZ?!?!? LOL joke this is a joke i can't believe he just acknowledged me wow

Tmr's mid week already. CAN'T WAIT FOR FRIDAY TO BE OVER. CAN't FREAKING WAIT GURL GOODNIGHT BITCHES

:'( I'm feeling so unmotivated in sooooo many ways. Right now I'm sick and WHY MUST I BE SICK LIKE NOW?? This is such a joke. I should be resting but nope. Liqian got me hyped about swaggout4.... I NEED TO GET SOMEWHERE IN MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'm really hoping one of the guest choreographers coming will be someone I actually know and.... I WILL JUST TAKE THE CHALLENGE AND GO FOR THEIR CLASSES. Or maybe even audition to be in their piece. I'm sick. & tired. Of being NOTHING. This year's recital made me feel like shit. People in school made me feel like shit. People creating groups by themselves and leaving me out cuz I'm shit makes me feel like shit.

 & You know what it's true. I see myself succeeding if I am daring enough to step out alone. Why should I wait for people or have people to do it with me. NO NEED. I shall be a daring mother fucker and die with all the hella good dancers going for their classes. I can already foresee all the instructors going for classes and getting steps and performance quality hella fast and I be there stressing like one bitch. BUT WHO CARES YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

I have faith in myself..... I honestly don't know where to find the time though. Sigh I want to freaking go to oschool for classes. But that place seriously is intimidating as hell. Been there since I was 15 and now I'm 19 but still it's intimidating. I feel like people go there to dance to IMPRESS not express. BUT I NEEDA UP MY GOD DAMN GAME I CAN'T BE STUCK IN THE SAME PLACE FOR SO LONG. Omg I need to do something about this. I need to find opportunities I need I need I need!!!!!! Gah I've done it once and I can do it again. Why didn't I do this during the holidays... WHAI

I'm so pumped up and shit uh but none of this involves school. This is why I'm so unmotivated for school. To me now school is like a big fat burden that I need to carry for another 7 months. I don't know why I'm there. I don't like the classes I'm taking this year. I can't stand how low my perseverance is. I'm sick but I'm sure I'm not sick to the extend of not attending classes but I choose not to go. I've mentioned this to my dad because he asked me about it. His reply was such a.... typical reply. "Just survive and get the diploma cert. You don't have to use the dance cert in the future." I'M LIKE THAT'S NOT THE POINT YAW. If I wanted to do that I could've just taken some shitty course and survive why must I kill myself physically mentally and emotionally. Joke

But ya gosh whatevers. This is ridiculous. Why am i like this lol

This sucks

So I've been.... drafting nonsense thruout this whole week. I don't know why I just never ever manage to get to the point where I just post it out. Like there's so much going on but then I suddenly feel like it's so irrelevant and I have no more points to add to the issue and so I just end up not writing anymore and hence, not posting it. But today.... Has been rather... I don't really know what's the right word to use.

I never would've thought that I'd reach to the point where I actually have encounters with FWB. I never thought that I'd discuss any of this shit with my parents. NONE. Being caught in an act has happened when I was younger, when maybe like stealing one chocolate bar is a crime. But now..... Being caught in an act has a totally different meaning. I guess I can cancel that off my bucket list.

I can't really describe in detail to what has happened because that'd be utterly inappropriate but, I've just been reflecting. Self respect, commitment, pride. I've really let myself down in so many ways in such a short span of time. Yeah the whole world can tell me people make mistakes and it's okay and I should forgive myself. But no. Guilt eats me every single day. I have no one to blame but myself because I let things happen. I'm not complimenting myself right now but, I know I'm a really smart girl. I can differentiate what are the right things to do and what are not. Who are the right people to hang out with and who are toxic. Despite all that I choose to be an idiot. I choose to make stupid decisions, just because you only live once, just because I love the thrill.

My dad most repeated questions to me today were: Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Do you really want to just fuck around and let him leave the next day because there's no commitment? No strings attached? Why are you screwing your life up?

Why have I reached to this state? I'm so horrible. I know all these are so fucking wrong, yet in the back of my mind there are still voices telling me "WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT". I was nice. Too nice. Did I get back anything in return other than a broken heart? I invested my feelings my time and myself to someone and, nothing. I got nothing out of it except hopelessness. So hopeless. Because this person couldn't even eat one proper meal with me. This person didn't even have the balls to talk about things to me. This person preferred running away.

I'm so childish. I can't believe I called myself childish. But why am I screwing up my life? I really don't know. Maybe a part of me wishes someone would ask how I am. Someone other than my parents would feel my change. Someone other than my parents to feel hurt that I've become this person that I am. After every fucked up incident I think about how I should explain if you ever found out. Part of me wishes you know what kind of shit I've been doing. Part of me wants you to feel sad that you were part of the reason to why I've became like this..

But no. Of course not. Cuz that's just me being delusional. I'm really just torturing myself. At the end of the day I'd be like you were so last season.

Lost. I've really truly lost myself. Shanette is gone. Today has made me realise what a fucked up person I've become in just 7 months. I've been recalling all the events from Feb that has led up to the current me. So. Many. Shit.

I can't face myself right now. I can't face anyone honestly. To my closest friend who know what's been happening, I thank you for staying by my side.... I thank you for not judging me regardless of how stupid my mentality has become. I thank you so much. You know who you are.

Finally the end of week 1.... It's crazy. I'm DEAD tired. Not even kidding sobs. I just had to blog today because..... I have to mark my date for my first ever lyrical jazz class!!

I'm really super loving Ryan's class. I can't believe he is going to choreograph a piece for us. I feel so honoured I can't even explain this happiness. I definitely have no technique whatsoever but watching Ryan dance alone is just.... pure amazement. I'm so in awe when he dances. Then he kinda talked to us about the kind of environment contemporary dancers are brought up in and all that. I SWEAR IT'S SO RELATABLE AND SO..... MY KIND OF THOUGHTS. Like I wished all teachers thinks like him. Obviously hinting to all the contemporary teachers in lasalle. AND I LOVE LYRICAL JAZZ/HIPHOP/CONTEMPORARY EVEN. The more lyrical the better and the nicer to watch lol. Obviously I can't do well but.... so beautiful. He did a piece on Colbie Caillat's Try. LIKE DUDE I can freaking relate to the song so well oh my god. This feeling when the choreographer choreographs to one of your most relatable songs. No technique also can dance ok LOL. Of course while I was replaying the video like crazy, I really can't stand how I have no extensions SOBS SHANETTE TAN.

I hated today's Welcome dinner performance. The video didn't looked that bad but.... it was a fucking bad performance. Omg 2nd time already. I hate this. I've disappointed this bloody piece FOR THE SECOND TIME. Like why. WHY!!!!! I'm so sad so mad I can't even. The whole night I was just feeling moody and shit and yeah just shit. Sigh why do i look so horrible doing XT's style.... I can't believe this. I don't even look nice doing the recital choreo. G O D. Even basic groove also can look like shit. Like what the hell making me crazy. What the hell hip hop was supposed to be like the class that I look forward to eh. Now why like..... making me stressed and all only. The moment he said "freestyle" for assessment I frozed ok. Fuck maybe I should drink some vodka before that. Confirm can freestyle like some pro LOL. Joke.

I'M SO TIRED. So many more weeks of school left jesus omg i need strength.