Trying to be bulletproof

So many so many conversations that i wish to talk or discuss about.. Yet the wall is simply there. Blocked. In so many ways. I wonder when's the next time we'll have a heart to heart talk. It feels like hell when theres so much u wish to clear off in ur head but you just simply know it'll never be the right time until he opens up first. How sucky to feel that way..

Is this how a long relationship supposed to be or is it just mine that is simply always dying off until a critical situation occurs?? Why must we always wait till the very moment when shit gets out of hand then we work it out...? Does it ever occur that someday, when this cycle gets old, that moment when we try to fix it, it'll just simply be all too late..

Hai. I wish for a more open-minded relationship.. I really just want that. At least I don't have to stop myself from saying something. I don't have to feel like when I say something, he'll think I'm "STARTING" a fight when all I want is to simply clear thoughts in my head. I do not wish to be disregarded. My feelings are my feelings. No matter what I feel it and it should not be disregarded in any way.

I feel so upset this so called "staycay" has been such shit. It's as if I'm here on the staycay myself. He spends more time on his phone.  He wants to stay in the hotel i have no problems with that because the main point was to spend time together. or spend time with his phone. I feel so distant and i feel like i'm forcing him to spend time with me by seeking his attention. When i ask to go somewhere, it also feels like i'm forcing him and he feels obliged to go. So pointless.... It's not a waste of money and time if we were genuinely embracing the time together.. But no. I think I get more time with him at his place than this cursed hotel. Thoroughly upset. Not even cause of the case that's bothering him. Cuz it's already been like that since the beginning of this stay.. So pointless. Glad today's the last day. What's time point of meeting if my presence is constantly being taken for granted of. Feeling really so shit and i have no one to tell but to resort to talking to my blog.

This december is not what i pictured it to be.. What was i expecting anyway. A staycay is supposedly for two people who didn't have time for each other to concentrate on each other... Wnats so important on the phone that he is almost 247 on? Sad.

5:48AM 过不了自己

Really don't know what to do 

2:11AM

It sucks really sucks to be back in the dark side... Sleepless nights and even if i slept, it's just all about nightmares and having a horrible sleep.. Constantly worrying what's real and what's not.. Which can i believe and which will i believe and end up being the biggest fool... 😔

I thought this phase is over... 😭 Why am i back here why... 😭😭 I really feel like shit in every way possible.. I hate wanting to sleep and my mind simply is just so awake and i'm so tired so so tired 😭

2:14AM I can't sleep.. :( Running through the messages someone sent me this night. I feel so drained 😭 I know nothing can beat what he is actually feeling. But i feel so trapped.. who can i talk to 😭 I've been watching videos by this one girl that was promoting positivity and happiness... I can so understand yet it's so hard to do it on myself. I really need positive vibes i really don't know how long i can be by myself and my feelings.. Been quite sometime since i felt like this.. Suddenly it's all hitting me at once.. I really feel like crying.. I really cannot explain how i feel i just feel like crying until i cannot cry anymore

Just currently listening to christmas songs just to make myself feel better about December.

I gotta say it's the worst December in so long. Everyday is a boring day. No overseas this December. Honestly Christmas vibe is so little... Theres really so much I wanna do yet so many restrictions... I just want a nice Christmas :( I want to live some disney childhood dream.. I want to go somewhere cold with Christmas markets with my loved one. I want to be a kid waking up on Christmas day with lots of christmas gifts under the tree with my name on it... :( I don't want to grow up :'( Growing up sucks and I'm so sad in all honesty.

:( :( :( :(

I miss baby.. Though i seriously just said goodnight like probably less than 30minutes ago.. Man i miss him i need hugs i want my staycay i want to go out..

I'm miss the going out spree we had before this whole aus-sol nonsense. Now suddenly it's so stagnant and i'm getting really really bored being home :'( I'm not saying it's not nice cuddling with him but I want to hang out and create memories again.. Are we like falling back into the taking-time-for-granted zone again...? Because right now saturday's seem to be the ONLY day i get to go out and only one day i get to spend entirely with him around but it kinda seems wasted for 2 weeks now.. Sigh

And it's not like I don't want to go out with him alone. It's just that he's so much more fun when he's with brandon. We get to go more places do more things when he's around. It's abit sad but like idk I feel fun when he's being fun.. Not saying Brandon's a very good influence I'' just saying if i'm part of the whole going out thing i don't mind :( I want to have some fun it's getting so mundane yet again... I've been so bored FOR SOOOOO LONG it's starting to affect my school again. There's no motivation at all cuz every weeks the same old shit with nothing fun to look forward to.. Hai