Heartbroken.

I just want to be happy, is it so hard to ask? 😢

I want to live a life without anxiety pressing me down. I want to live one day knowing that it's someone else's loss to lose me not the other way round. But sadly I just don't know what's my worth. I try to get myself accustomed to the heartache. Yet I just can't. How nice would it be to just know it doesn't matter.. Everything doesn't matter because I matter. My self care matters more than anything..

I wish I can tell myself "He likes flawless butts? So be it I can live with my scars and my ugliness. He's bored talking to me? So be it others might find me entertaining. " Instead I beat myself up and ask why can't I have flawless skin. Why am I not enough that he has to need some more people to talk to. Why. Am. I. Just. Simply. Not. Enough.

I just can't. Why do I put my happiness in other people's hands where they can destroy it anytime they like. I try so hard to maintain. Yet i fail time and time again. I fail to be independent. I fail to love myself. I fail to not bother. I'm just a failure all in all.

As much as it's nice to be with somebody and to be loved by somebody, I just can't handle all the heartache that comes with it. I just can't put myself to destroy another person's life by burdening them with that dark side of me. It's just an impossible cycle for me to get out.

Love shouldn't be a cat and mouse game.. I shouldn't have to always end up "catching" him doing something. Because to build trust, the only way is to constantly prove yourself, not do things that are not supposed to be done and hoping to not get caught..

God just show me some light please.. I'm so sad and I just keep getting sadder. I don't know how to describe this feeling but it just feels really painful. This feels like self-inflicted pain. I don't think it's that serious of an issue considering how fucked up this world has become because even cheating is not a problem in a relationship now. My brain tells me it's not a big deal, but my heart tells me otherwise..

I really told myself to try again. But I really feel like its a huge mistake for my heart.. I'm in the middle of a split road and I just simply don't know which road to choose. I'm having nightmares every now and then. Constantly worrying if I'm gonna be scolded, gonna get shouted at, whether he's talking to other girls, whether he's lying. My naive heart really thought he's gonna do well, be better and wait for me. I'm just getting so unsure as the days go by. Yet my heart just sinks deeper as the hour ticks.. I'm so worried for myself. I just know I'm in deep shit and I really don't know how to get out. This time there's no one there to help me because literally no one knows..

He tells me he's there but I know I can't depend on him. Because once he's gone, who am I to depend on? I got no one but myself.. I feel so fucking alone really so fucking alone. What I'm feeling now is at least 10 times worst than when I was in the relationship. Because when I was in the rs and when I was feeling down, I had people to confide in.. Now all I can tell people is that I'm depressed and I just am. I have no one to go to and I just have myself but I'm broken. I'm so broken I can't help myself even though I try so hard. I just break down every night trying to hold myself together. I try so hard to not show I try so hard to be nonchalant.

I hate to feel everything so deeply. I hate it so much. I hate myself for feeling so much for the wrong reasons. It's not a big deal. Why do I have to feel so much over something so trivial...

In my head all I'm thinking now is, when's the next time....


💔

I've reached the second stage of the break up. Depressed and sad and lonely.

I don't know how to move on. All those distractions I thought would last me long enough. But obviously not. All those "positive" vibes that kept me going. Now all I want is to run back in ur arms and cry. Now all I want you to do is to tell me how obsessed you are with me. But tables have turned yet again. As much as u claim you're there and all, part of me just knows that obsession is half gone. I suddenly want to bond all over again. I want to know how it's like to restart. Such a huge risk that I'm not willing to take. Maybe I should've persevered longer to feel more of the crazy love from you. I just need to talk what's in my heart. Truthfully. But I have no balls to. I literally just feel like I'm gonna break into pieces if I say what's on my mind. Even typing this tears just automatically flow out AND IT PISSES THE FUCK OUTTA ME. Because I thought this phase for me was over. But the whole facade of a strong girl image is now broken.

I'm broken T_T I don't know how to fix myself.... How is it that I'm back to having sleepless nights? There isn't a single night since end April that I went to sleep peacefully. Every time I close my eyes I'm picture so many situations I don't wish to happen. But it seems like it's just a matter of time.... I'm trying to prepare myself when that time comes but it hurts so bad and I don't know how to let that image go. There are so many things I wish to say. So many things I wish to talk to you about... I don't know how and just simply no courage to. WHY LIFE SO TOUGH T_T They say it's stupid to be in love with each other and not be together. But there are so many other things to think about.... It's just not as simple as it is said out to be. And I know if I give in now we're just simply gonna end up in another break up... What's the point... ARGH feel like crying cuz I have no one to talk to.

We really need to have a heart to heart soon... When i'm well prepared enough..

THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT I TRY TO KEEP MY BLOODY FACE PIMPLE-FREE IS RIDICULOUS. Sometimes I'm so fucking embarrassed to even tell somebody I have a fucking skincare routine because they be like "Wtf you have a skincare routine and your face is still this bad?" I SWEAR. I'd rather people think I never take care of my face than to think like I spent so much money trying to keep up with having LESS pimples and still not working.. I have fucking like 6 BLOODY STEPS to my skincare routine. And there are people out there around me who only needs 1 or 2 steps and have fucking flawless skin. Why am I so ill-fated...... I'm already like 22 and still breaking out like a fucking teenager. This has got to stop man. Not only my face has issues MY WHOLE BODY HAS ISSUES SO DEPRESSING.

 

Why need so much effort. SAD LIFE 

I've been having terrible dreams for the past 2 days and I just like cannot get over it. Seriously irritating.  I don't know why I even come up with such realistic dreams but it really sucks to wake up feeling fucking moody and shitty.... :( Some days I need so much love some days I wish to murder people. I don't know what I want and I think I'm meant to be alone. Like what my mother said no one can stand my attitude. To be honest, I also think no one can stand my attitude and I'm just being selfish if I get into a relationship. As much as they will be bad for my mental health, I'm also somewhat destroying theirs. 

"The truth is, I'd still rather have you in my life than not. Part of me wishes you'd come back, that you'd make an attempt like I've made so many times but I know that won't do any good. I know I can't let you in and I know I need to stop hanging on to nothing. I need to stand up for myself. I know I don't need anyone who doesn't want to be there but that doesn't stop me from missing you, that doesn't stop me from wanting you here. There are days like today where I find myself missing you more than normal, days I want to call you to hear your voice, days I just want to ju,p in your arms but I know those days are long gone. I know I need to move on with my life, and I'm trying. But sometimes I struggle with letting the memories of you go because I can't help but wonder what things might be like if only you were a better man." 

Poor me I wonder when I'll get out of this cycle of feeling shitty and sad and unloved. At the same time I can't be independent like I pretend I can. Fuck my life and fuck myself for trying to be someone I'm not. 

痛。

I think the right thing to do is to move on. Why am i suddenly the one feeling all the sadness and hurt again? I shouldn't have let you back in again. I should've left when i had the balls to and when i felt strong enough... I let him overtake me again and now the past 2-3 months of being "strong" all went down the drain. Maybe you finally realized that I'm no longer worth it. Maybe you're starting to move on. I should accept it. Just hurts. I wonder when i'll ever get over you. Maybe never. My mistake for holding you back. I was weak. Yeah I've just lost the constant of my life. I don't think there's anything more I can do because I'm just only gonna feel very heartbroken.

I feel abit naive and stupid, for actually falling for your softness when we broke up. I should've known it was all just a lie. I hate feelings i hate it i hate it I HATE IT 😭