Sobs I'm legit panicking and being so alone right now.. T_T

I'm so sad, what a sad few days. Sigh. Like I'm trying so hard to be like some independent bullshit woman but its really not working out. I'm really sad he's away from me. I'm really sad that he can't be here for me even virtually. I'm trying SO HARD you know SO FUCKING HARD not to like spam message him. Every single mother fucking time when I feel sad and lost and just want someone to talk to and he's not there, I just want to still message anyway. But before I click send, the whole scene of him calling me irritating will flashback in my mind. Every single time without fail. I'm not even kidding about this. Sometimes I don't know how I'm even gonna like get over this "phobia". I want to call him. But every single time I'm just gonna feel like I'm fucking irritating. Just the way he said it. It's as if it's already engraved into my mind that as long as I spam message him, I'm a irritating fucker.

I'm sad that I'm the only one feeling like this? Or at least I'm the only one showing that I need him? It feels like he doesn't even need me and I feel like a stupid idiot every night feeling so clingy and needy. Like I need him so much even if he doesn't pay attention to me. This is fucking shit. He can live without texting me.. He shows it that he can live without knowing what I'm doing or what events I have the next day etc.. Like really if I don't initiate any convo, there will be no convo between us. I'm so sad right now.

If I voice it out, I'll be named as the unreasonable one...? Because I'm supposed to be the understanding girlfriend. I'm supposed to be the one to comfort him. I'm supposed to be the one to make him feel better. Right then what about me? Yeah I get that he's at outfield. I get that he has missions to do. I get that he can't text 247. But in the meantime I'm also waiting for his texts. I'm waiting for him to be free. I'm waiting for him to have some time for me. He doesnt find that time for me.. For 2 days alr I realised he'd spend it on social medias, watching shows.. Rarely spend the minimum time talking to me.. That's the difference.. Between me and him... If i had just 30min break during work. Or even 15min.. I dedicate the entire 15-30min to him because in my mind it is the only time I get to talk to him and it is precious to me.. T_T

I don't even know how his entire day goes. I don't know when is his break. I don't know what he's up to. I fucking dont know anything at all. I get that he's tired. But are these excuses really valid if you truly missed me and truly wanted to talk to me..? I don't think so.. If I don't message him, he doesn't really message me back either. Every morning now he wakes up 2hours earlier than usual because at Australia, its 2hours faster than SG. Means he spends like 6-8hours without talking to me while he's awake yet he doesn't even send any single text to me other than just a "good morning". Some days I really question if I'm even giving him any joy or am I just being a delusional fucker. I keep trying to find reasons to give my entire heart to him because at any point in time I know I'm ready to fall. But whether he's there to catch me or not that's another question. Whether he feels the same as I do it's also another mystery..

Everyday he wakes up to my spam messages of my true feelings. He feels happy looking at it while I on the other hand feels like shit because he doesn't show anything to me. I feel like he doesn't even bother at all. Really. Am I supposed to just assume and be delusional from him doing nothing that oh this guy really loves me? No i cant. Its been about 5-6 days since he left and I only felt ONE genuine "i miss you" from him and I literally teared when he sent that cuz it felt genuine. He really doesnt know how much he impacts me. Some days really I just wonder when will he ever know how much he means to me.

Right now I'm panicking over my exam tomorrow because I'm supposed to be studying but I've been procrastinating till the end of time and I honestly don't think I can even pass.. If I can't pass then what's the point of studying.. T_T

You literally have no idea how it feels like to be so fucking depressed about yourself. This year just can't get any worst emotionally for me. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired of looking at me. Regardless of how many good friends I have beside me and even a companion, I just can't get past me. I'm struggling so much this year internally that I'm about to go crazy..

Yo have no idea how it feels like to look at your skin and just cry because you feel so fucking ugly about yourself. You dont know how it feels like to look at all the flabs and stretch marks and think "I didnt even fucking eat so much what did I do to deserve all these fats?" I literally lock myself up in my room because I don't want anyone to see me bare faced, not even my family members that's correct. Even infront of Dyl now it's just impossible for me to look him in the eye bare faced unless the light is off.

My life is a fucking mess itself to add on to the physical aspects. I lost my passion in dance and I cry every single time I look back at past videos. There will be times I wanna jump back into going to classes but every single time I try I get even more scared. Why? Because I feel so fucking shitty bout myself and I just can't catch up and I just become so depressed after class.. Everything about me fucked up this year. I lost everything. Really until now I still don't know where I went to.. I really don't know who I am anymore. I'm so tired I really just wanna give up on my entire life and disappear from everyone..

You dont know how hard I try to not overthink about stuff. You dont know how hard i struggle to smile everyday or just stay neutral/positive if possible.. I never thought I would've reached this part of my life where I really don't know where my fighting spirit for myself went. I just feel like my life is fucking worthless and I don't know where and how to start picking myself up..

Its fucking easy for people to say man the fuck up and stop glooming and make a change. Its fucking easy but you have no idea how much mental destruction is going on in the mind to stop you from making that change. I've been fighting alot. I've been trying my hardest not to break down not to think about these kinda shit and tell myself "Things will be better" "Be patient and things will go smoothly" No it fucking doesnt. It fucking doesnt!!!!!!! I'm so fucking frustrated because nobody fucking understands me and I just feel so so so soooooo fucking alone in all of these. Who the fuck do I turn to when I feel like shit? Who the fuck do I call when I'm up at 3am, lonely and sad? I only have me and my destructive self. It's a fucking vicious self cycle that I fucking cannot get rid of.. I want to be happy.. I want to think of happy things but the world just isn't a happy place..

I really. Never felt so shitty about myself physically, emotionally, mentally in my entire life. This level has taken its toll on me and I just feel like I can never get out of this.

😭😭😭 You honestly have no idea how I’m feeling right now.. I don’t know what’s with me suddenly being so attached after telling myself that I shouldn’t be like that.. Because who knows when you will leave me again and I’ll be all over the place again and feel all those shitty like hell feelings again.. It fucking sucks and they say only fools will let themselves feel it again. I’m supposed to be strong and stand by myself not feel so empty without you but it feels so natural to just wanna cling to you 😭😭😭

I know you’re going for a work trip and it’s been like the 5th time you’re going yet I just can’t seem to get used to it 😭 Now it’s even more different because even though we’re back together, me not seeing you for a few weeks just reminds me of how well you could live without me and just how much you pushed me away... It’s triggering all the wrong feelings and I thought I would actually be fine when you are gonna go australia. I don’t know why the moment you left I felt like I’m in pieces 😭

I’m scared of being the only one like that cuz i don’t want to be!!!!

All these flight feelings just reminded me how fucking shitty i felt when i went Bangkok..... so fucking shitty it’s impossible to even comprehend and right now even if you wanted to console me it’s fucking impossible until 14th october or even later... 😭😭😭😭 Even though you tell me it’s different now and tell me not to worry, I can’t stop myself from feeling all of these because those emotions were so real and baby I’m so scared... 

Right now my bed feels so fucking empty without you... Sometimes I think I’m fucking crazy to be feeling so much for you because it drives me crazy also and I don’t know why I can feel so much for someone. I really think I’m nuts no joke. This is impossible.. I’m having too much withdrawal.. 

This is the 5th month since we broke up. As the months pass, I just feel further and further away from where you think we’d end up. Right now we’re only here with each other because of comfort. 

Yesterday you totally ignored me for a good 2h and refused to talk to me. Today yet again you threw your temper at me. I’m tired of this already. I don’t know what we are anymore. We’re not a couple and we’re not friends. 

Nowadays I just try my best to get used to being alone. Because this is how you’ve made us to be. I can never lean on you because at any point of time you can just give zero fucks about me. This is coming from a guy who used to love me so much? Lol.... Everytime i think about it i just feel sad. 

This will never go away. And we can never be back together again. Every bad situation that comes between us just shows how much I will never want to be in this kind of relationship. I will never want someone who doesn’t fight for the rs. I will never want someone that can see me in pain and just ignore me. I will never want someone that can just refuse to solve the situation and do his own things like it doesn’t even matter. I don’t know about what you’re thinking anymore but in my mind I just know the more I love the more I care, all i get back is hurt. I’m tired of thinking if there’s someone else out there you’re being sweet with. I’m tired of thinking about your financial issues. I’m tired of your attitude and your mood swings. Things that i used to be able to tolerate, now is just no longer worth it in my eyes to tolerate anymore. Why must I even be scared of you? I find myself damn hilarious. I look back now and I can’t believe I’ve been crying my eyes out for 3 months straight while you’re out there drinking, living your own life. I can’t believe I was so willing to give up everything in my life just to make this relationship work. I can’t believe every single time I just let you scold me and I did nothing to protect and help myself. Man I’m done being that girl. I’m not born into this world to be treated like that. Took me 5 months to realize this but yeah.. The old yaohui will be back..? Nah. Really no. Lol. He won’t. The old yh clearly knows how to love me. Now this guy is just a heartless cold guy. I’m seriously tired of all these heartless nonsense alr. If this is how you’re gonna keep portraying yourself to be, then let me tell you I believe what you show me. So i believe I’m not worth it to you and overtime I have realised that it’s not worth trying so hard anymore. 

I’m tired of asking what we are anymore. I’m tired of trying to fix things and work things when there’s literally no improvements in anything. I’m tired. I can’t wait for the day where I can finally just let it go and say fuck it all. Time heals all wounds. And right now even though we both say nth bout it, we’re slowly getting used to being by ourselves. One day we can lead our own lives. Every single day now I tell myself, I can live even without you. I’m strong enough to conquer this. I’m tired of forcing you to love me. I’m tired of telling you how i should be loved when you clearly know how i should be loved. I’m fucking tired. But yeah it’s fine. Not like anything’s gonna change between us. Let’s just put it this way, our fate to be together has long been destroyed. There’s no way we can go back to how we used to be... Not even close. 

Yesterday I had a dream. A dream that felt so real and yet so unreal.. The dream took me back to the days when he still loved me alot. When he was proud of being with me, when he would voluntarily tag me in random stuff on social media, when I was still on his whatsapp photo, when I was still on his phone background, when our polaroid was still behind his phone casing, when I was very obvious the only girl in his life. When I dreamt of this, I was lying right beside him and it hit me in the heart when I woke up. Because things were no longer the same and it'll never go back to being the same. I can't imagine it going back to the way it was anymore. Every single day as the day pass, I feel myself getting so immune to everything. I stood there for a good 1-2 hours thinking about the dream when I woke up. In my mind all I could think of was how I could go back to those times.. It will no longer.

How does it feel like to be asked to fuck off by someone you love?
How does it feel like to be treated like shit when he is in the mood to?
How does it feel like to be called "irritating" by someone who claims to love you?
How does it feel like when you're drunk and you reach home and you wanna tell him you miss him but you know he's just gonna fuck you for it and go back to sleep while you're there being sad alone?
How does it feel like to know that at any point of time, the person who claims to love you can just treat you like an enemy?
How does it feel like when you do everything unconditionally for the guy you love and yet he doesn't even feel a single bit of blissfulness?
How does it feel like to care for someone's health only to get a "can you stop nagging alr" reply?

I try so hard to relief myself of those pain. Everyone ask me to move on. Everyone ask me to date someone else. Everyone tells me no one wants to feel miserable everyday just let someone else love you. Easier said than done. I will just end up hurting the other person even more because I'm no longer willing to trust and believe so easily anymore.

I'm tired I'm just tiredddddd. Why must I be 247 thinking whether hes talking to another girl. Thinking whether he's interested in another girl. Thinking whether he's flirting behind my back. Fuck lol..Why would I want a guy who's gonna consistently fuck off from me just when I need him the most? I really can’t picture my entire life with a guy like this anymore.

Even if I’m actually dating someone else now he probably wouldn’t even know. Lol. Cuz why? He. Does. Not. Care. No. Fucks. Given. He doesn’t care about how i feel. Every single time when I’m out late, all he does is show me attitude through texts. Tired then wow loads of angry words out. Doesn’t even bother trying to understand how i feel and how much I just need someone to be there at certain times. Lol. Fucking lol. The guy who used to be there for me 24/7 is fucking gone. He used to be there at any point of time. He would tell me to call him or text him if i couldn’t sleep. Now? No fucks given. He’ll say he’s tired and just no fucks given to me. Wow. Lol. Some days I don’t know what i do to deserve this. I just feel like no matter how good you are to someone, as long as they just don’t have the heart anymore, nothing fucking matters alr.

Honestly at this point of time.... It’s just a matter of getting used to it.. Who am I kidding lol aren’t I single? He doesn’t even act like my bf in any way. Lol... 一个人的生活.. 习惯就好.. 没关系了.. I’m tired. It won’t work out. Don’t know how does he not see that it’s not working anymore. I really lost every faith left. The guy i loved can never come back.