My head is spinning like crazy right now because of the long car rides just now. Argh feel like fainting!!!

It's been the most torturing day yesterday. I don't even know why but what a dramatic life I've got when I seriously just need some peace.

Went out with my brother and Dylan yesterday and it turned out horrible. A small issue that could've been settled on the spot. Yet he had to make it like it was such a huge problem that couldn't be solved. I felt like if he respected me enough he wouldn't have done that infront of my brother. So that problem was there the whole afternoon and then another happened. There was a last minute mahjong game that he wanted to go to and asked me to go with him because after that we were meeting xuanwei. He told me that he was only gonna play till xuanwei touch down. Which was probably just half the entire game probably. So I said okay cuz 2 hours of waiting will probably not seem that bad. At about 9.30pm xuanwei messages me and told me he touched down. Dylan asked if he could leave early and apparently his other friend said no. -_- Irritated the shit outta me. And at 10.30 that friend of his told me "Sorry we already said before this whole thing started." So in my head it's just like "What? So dylan told me to play halfway just for fun? He didn't even tell his friend anything and instead agree on something else? What the fuck?" So i ended up waiting till 12 fucking am. I tell you I can literally murder anyone after this that makes me wait for them.

I really fucking don't learn my lesson. After last week of torturing waiting for temasek club I ended up waiting AGAIN this week. What's worse this week is that the damn house was so fucking hot, I was literally sticky as fuck and I was so uncomfortable. Now thinking back I just don't even understand how I survived that 4 almost 5 hours. Fucking wasted my time. If he was sensitive enough he wouldn't tell me "Don't pek" "Don't angry" "You wait until dulan already right". You should know it yourself. What's the point of giving me those comments. I really don't understand.

So I was in a really horrible mood and even when I started drinking I was still feeling like shit and sticky and just simply fucking hot. At some point I was just starting to get into the mood and cheering up. At that same point of time he texted me and made me unhappy. Wow. Accusing me just cuz of his damn eyes "I see it with my own eyes". So. Sick. Of. It. I really don't understand how this relationship is so weak in his eyes. Is he even using his brains to think sometimes before accusing me of something? Spoilt my mood entirely. My patience for him literally reached more than the top yesterday already. Couldn't give any more fucks. And there goes my whole night. Yes I was kinda wasted but yes I choose to do it. I choose to not deal with his nonsense. Why do I love someone who constantly doubts me regardless of how much I try to show that he's important and I'm trying so hard for the relationship? All he cares is attempting to catch me do something wrong. All he cares is scolding me if something goes wrong. All he cares is protecting himself from getting hurt. In the midst, hurting me.

I can never forget how he wanted to break up with me because of something HE didn't check properly, didn't give me a chance to explain, didn't even see the whole situation properly. That's the most shallow move ever. And honestly if he did at that point of time, I really wouldn't have held him back. Why do I wanna hold someone back that can so easily doubt me for something I never even do?

He told me not to tell my friends our problems. I'm sorry I have no one to talk to. I'm desperate for someone who understands my point of view and thankfully my best friends understand. I can't even tell my boyfriend things sometimes because of his close mindedness. Because of his extremely predictable answers. Sometimes when I think back I don't even know why I hold back so much. Why can't I be myself? If being myself = making him angry, is this really even correct? He loves to compare things to the wrong contexts. And I really lost the energy to try and explain and explain and explain. Because if he read this part of the post he'd use himself as an example and shoot me back. "I can't be myself infront of you too. Whatever I tell you you'll just shoot me back." This is never ending. We're adults. If we can't tell what's right or what's wrong, what's good and what's bad, what's comparable and what's not, it's really damn hard to communicate.

It this keeps happening I'm so ready to just be the bad person. I'm so ready to just let him think I'm unreasonable. Cuz I'm tired of explaining myself. Tired of convincing him. I know in my heart what kind of a person I am. If someone like my boyfriend don't even know and everyone else can actually say "Shanette is not this kind of person", then maybe this is just not it.

Really thinking if i'm in depression.
I've been feeling sad too much.
Feeling anxiety too much.
Constantly crying myself to sleep every other day.
Constantly pretending to be alright.
Constantly looking over things to make things easier for people around me.
When is it that people can think of making me happy.
When is it that people can think for me.
I feel like dying.
I think I should seek help.

Meh i'm so annoyed right now. I'm doing my essay halfway but I feel like I'm already judged without even attempting to write finish my beginning. It's so frustrating because I really HATE talking about my essay. To me it's just to freaking get it over and done with. I'm fucking damn individual I can't stand people probing into my affairs unless you're here to help. It gets so frustrating to always have to pretend to be smart, act smart when I'm totally not. And telling the classmates like "Fuck it I just want to pass Omg pls i'm not that smart can you leave me alone" is just gonna give such a bad image of me even though I AM REALLY LIKE THAT. Can't stand it. I literally need to bang myself on the wall I need some peace from them and their nonsensical stress.

AS IF I don't have enough stress on my own. Every little thing also must stress. This is why I hate cliques in school. I freaking wanna be alone. I swear the people overwhelm me so much. I hate to be around people that I can't be myself with. Makes me so hella uncomfortable. And I really hate noisy people so much. It's like wth I never even asked to be with them. Argh I want my baby right now I'm so irritated with assignments, irritated with CHILDISH NOISY PEOPLE in school omg. WANT TO BE ALONE. OR WANT TO BE ALONE WITH MY BABY. Meh feeling so shitty

自卑

I had a really weird dream yesterday night. I don't really know if I dreamt it or not. But it has been on my mind and it really felt like I dreamt about it. I don't even know and can't differentiate reality and dreams sometimes. It is a truly shallow dream but it felt so real and yet it felt like a dream too.

I dreamt that I was being replaced by someone who was way prettier than me. Haha this is the one inferiority that I'll have my entire life. When you're in an intimate relationship with someone, they see all your flaws so clearly it scares the hell out of you. How can I expect someone else to accept something I don't even want to visually see it myself? Yes I have a curvy body. Yes I have big boobs. Yes I have an plus sized hour glass figure. So? What lies under all the cloth are just plain flaws and vulnerability. My boobs aint perky like others even though it's huge. It doesn't defy gravity. It sags. I have stretch marks all over even though I've not been pregnant. All these are unsightly. I just see my boyfriend as such a visual person. How is he one to accept such unsightly sights? Doesn't help that the places he go siambus are just physically more attractive to see. It's like even when I look at instagram and just any freaking Facebook posts with such girls I just feel so inferior. It's like what even. I'll never even have like 1% of their sexiness.

It doesn't help sometimes when he tries so hard to get turned on even though his ding dong is obviously showing otherwise. And I feel so bad for not being able to turn him on automatically. That's like really one of the worst feelings ever. Something I can never ever be able to like explain. When you've been with someone long enough you'll be able to tell, when someone's just trying too hard or if he's genuinely horny.

Did I do something wrong?
Am I in an extremely unglue angle?
Did he see my flaw?
Did he see my scars?
Are my fats showing too much?

Shit I think off when it gets soft. It's uncountable.

Sigh.

Time to let my skin heal.

Time to slim down.

I wrote a quite alot to post yesterday. And then I decided not to.

Today I have a lot to say and yet I just can't seem to find the right words. And I feel empty. Right now I feel empty. It's been a nice day out before we fought but now I just feel so distracted over everything all over again. I hate how a small tiny mistake made can just bring back all the bad things that have happened. I feel like I've reached danger zone all over and it might have been a small mistake but to me it hurts x10000000. Cuz the fear of bad shit happening never fails to return to my mind. Hais I don't even know can he be here at this moment to hug me right now?

Obviously no i'm dreaming.

Hur I feel like crying maybe i should head to bed

I wasted a lot of time this week being distracted when I could've at least completed how my essay. FUCK YOU SHANETTE ARGH but yeah I'm so distracted by so many things. Looking thru air tickets looking thru staycays literally just looking thru everything to get me out of Singapore or at least just let me catch a breather but yeah not working.

I found an article talking about someone who likes to "fix people". And I really cannot relate more it's so true.

"Everyone will tell you to stop being how you are—this is the way of the world, to tell us how to be—but you keep on falling for people that are projects, keep giving so much more of yourself than you should.

This is wrong, you know, to try to solve everyone’s problems, to try to love people who aren’t yet whole. But you can’t help it. You want to be the solution, the soul that makes a difference. And you are. Often at your own expense.

You are the person that gives, so willingly. That dives headfirst into people who cannot give the same in return. That sacrifices her own heart, her own happiness, to see a smile stretch across a broken face.

You fill cracks, you mend fractures, you fit yourself into all the empty spaces. And when you fall short, you blame yourself. It’s a cycle, really. A cycle that leaves you the emptiest of all.

It’s nearly impossible to love someone that’s broken. They don’t yet know the power of their heart. They don’t believe that they can be healed, that the world is still beautiful, that love is still real.

But you show them.

You wait patiently as their hearts soften, then toughen again, in a healthy way. You forgive as they push you away, as they hurt you, as they break your heart in the process of rebuilding theirs.

You are a beautiful person, you know.

You are a fixer. Not because the world needs to be fixed, but because you believe in love, so much so, that you’ll do anything in the name of it. And that’s powerful.

You are not weak because you try to solve what you can’t. Foolish, maybe. But incredibly strong. But that’s the thing about being a strong woman. You think you’re strong enough to handle the darkest of places.

You are a fixer. Which means you throw yourself into relationships that aren’t good for you, and men that will most likely shatter you into thousands of tiny pieces. Yet you still go forward, unafraid.

This might not be the way of the world, to be a fixer, to appreciate a fixer. It’s unhealthy, really, to love people that aren’t good for you, to try to mend what can only be mended by that person. But you try because it’s inherent within you to care."

It's so relatableeeee. Thank you to whoever who wrote this 

This really suckssssss :( I have nothing to look forward to.... I was thinking about what I can do during my holidays. My initial plan was to celebrate my birthday n advance you know get out of Singapore with my friends and bf. But everybody's freaking schedule clashes and I'm so mother fucking sad about it. It's like bitch I don't even need a god damn celebration on the day itself I just want to enjoy during my holidays but everybody's just either busy or broke or both.

I've been searching up malaysia and bali and batam and just any random places that may seem affordable. And I just feel so tired even searching up for it. Like fuuuuuuuuuu. Even trying to plan a day trip to JB also so mother fucking hard. It's like MEH. Life sucks really... :(

So boring SO BORING ARGH FUCK I just need a getaway so bad. Or just something or somewhere that I wouldn't feel so cooped up. Haiiiiiiiiisssssssss so boring. So bored of life. Life's too boring......

When something falls apart in my life, I can't seem to do anything else rather than focused on getting that something fixed. And yet others can just carry on with their life like everything is okay. I spent the past hour hoping for a miracle to happen. But no. I met another horrible driver than thinks he knows it all. I am now right here stuck on so many assignments but how the fuck am I supposed to concentrate when I have other things to think about? I hate that no matter how much I want to prioritise work first, it never happens. And through it all, I can still be doubted of the love I give to this man.

When I'm annoyed I don't expect someone to annoy me even further and expect me to smile and not get annoyed. Is that so hard to understand? Such a bad day with 2 nightmares in a row and following up with this. This is so horrible. While I sleep I cry. When I'm awake I cry too. What's the fucking point of living seriously. I hate that I'm feeling like that. I literally drop everything and just focus on the one thing that bothers me so much.

I hate feelings. I wish I was a mother fucking jerk. Who doesn't commit to anything. And goes around breaking hearts. Instead of being the heart-brokened one.

But I'll not forget that the past 2 weeks has been pleasant. It at least had more pleasant moments. & I'm thankful.