😭😭😭😭😭😭

Fucking sad 

Fucking hate drinking like fuck my life all I am thinking about now is him and great it would be if he was up fucking caring about me fucking asking if i’m home fucking taking care of me.... How great it would be if I was hugging to sleep now 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Being strong for the whole god damn week and I’m breaking now because the loneliness is killing me 😭

So fucking empty who the fuck do I turn to at this ungodly hour? Fuxk i don’t even dare to give him a text to say I miss him CUZ HAS HE EVEN SAID A SINGLE I MISS YOU?????? NO!!!!! Every single night he’s out does he even fucking think about me??????...... No.......... 

😭 I’m so sad i’m so sad god help me I shouldn’t be breaking down because he said he will be back.. But i’m so sad because at my lowest at my weakest where is he.... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wanna call him I wanna tell him how I feel I am so fucking sad baby where are you 😭

My head hurts my heart hurts my stomach hurts today is a tough night 😭 I’m so empty and I have no one to turn to.... I remember he used to tell me “call me when you can’t sleep... just drop me a text when you can’t sleep”....... Am i even allowed to now.....? IM SO SAD SOBSSSSSSSS SOBSSSSSSSS 😭😭😭😭😭 

It’s been so nice to feel his warm heart by me.. The day has ended. I don’t know when I can see him again.. Looking forward to see him has alwaysssss been my motivation to live till the next day and honestly when that has been taken away from me, my whole life felt like it crumbled apart..

I’m so thankful that he chose to open up to me again.. I’m thankful that even though we’re not together, there are promises to keep us going.. Thank you so much because even though for now those are just words, it’s so so so assuring coming from your mouth. I cannot thank you enough really that things are not that sour between us.. I’m glad that we are actually able to face the situation and you can actually calmly talk to me about it.. This alone is such a breakthrough.. 

We’ll reunite once again.. For now, I will work towards a better me too and also for the sake of our future.. We can do this together.. ❤️ 

Finally after 2 whole weeks, I saw him... I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw his message “Do you want to come find me?” I stared at it for a good whole minute thinking if i was seeing things.. Like wtf I couldn’t believe it.. Legit the past 1-2 months was crazy hell everyday.. Like you’ll never know what’s gonna happen the next day and it just so happened that everyday that passed, things between us just kept getting worse. Today was just.... idk how to say I just felt so thankful.. I missed him 😭 I miss scruffling through his messy hair.. I miss his amazing hugs.. I miss squishing his face.. I miss holding his hands.. I miss everything!!!! I forgot how easy it was to fall asleep next to him.. How comforting it was to be beside him.. To feel wanted by him.. It was so warm just so warm ❤️ Argh my heart feels so full. I’m scared that it’ll not last.. But I’m thankful that he came to me.. Thank you love..

或许对你来说，我真的不值得。我到底做了什么错？为什么我连一点关心都不值得...？我真的不懂怎么不伤心.. 以前最爱我的男人会很在乎我会不会安全的到家.. 以前的他会起来跟我回应.. 现在我到底是什么？我连垃圾都不如.. 我很伤心.. 为什么我对你好你看不出？你的口说你还爱我，为什么动作却不一样.. 我真的感觉不到了.. 是不是应该放手.. 我真的不懂... 我只需要你的爱.. 有那么难吗？我真的很痛苦.. 为什么说爱我但却对我不理？为什么说爱我却能不关我的死活？为什么爱我能不想见我？为什么说爱我却没说你想念我...？我真的好伤心.. 我真的好想你😞.. 我那么想抱你，却抱不到.. 我那么想感觉到你的关心，却没有.. 为什么...

我快要疯掉了.. 😭 以为喝酒能把我麻木.. 但现在只觉得很空虚.. 我好痛苦.. 耀辉我真的很想你😔.. 几时你能回到我生边..？我真的只需要你的爱.. 😭 我不懂该怎么办... 我很痛.. 我好悲伤.. 我真的很想看见你.. 为什么以前你要看我的时候，我愿意见你.. 而现在我连见你都不懂几时能看到你.. 我真的不懂怎么办... 在你心里我是什么地位？如果你当我是你的未来老婆，为什么你真的能不关我...？ 😭😭😭😭 Please just come back to me...

What can I do when i’m missing you? I can’t even say it to you. Hais.

I miss holding your hands, I’m missing your hugs.. I miss walking on the streets with you.. I hate seeing couples now cuz all they do is make me think of you. I miss eating lunches and dinners with you.. I miss going everywhere with you.. I miss how you’d love to do everything with me without a doubt.. what can I do to overcome it...? It’s sad to not know when’s the next time I’ll see you. It’s sad to know that even if I see you, it’ll be a long time till the next meeting. Why the heck am I in this position again.. :’( I’m so empty, just so empty.. So pain when I think about it. I fucking miss you. Sobs.

I have really no one that I can rant to 247... Every single time I feel like telling you something I remember we're not together. I remember I'm not supposed to impose my emotions upon you.. It's so sad.. It's so sad that I don't have someone so comfortable that I can rant to :'(

So no mood :'( So irritated :'( Super pekcek with everyone! Relationship go down the drain jiu suan le, must everything else fuck up too? I just need fucking comfort so badly like SO FUCKING BADLY and I'm getting none. Hais. I fucking want someone to shower me with love.. T_T

Touched down in Singapore and totally felt all the heaviness on my shoulders...

What do I think I deserve exactly..? I was thinking about what happened like the day before. How he could just blame nonsense at me FOR NOTHING and then treat it like nothing happened. For the past 1 over month I thought if I fought hard enough, if I just keep fighting on and keep showing how much I want this relationship, in time he will be touched by my actions... But yesterday really just woke me up. Like lol. The guy just doesn't want this anymore. He can really just kick me out of his life and just live well by himself. Then who is this person that I've been living with for the past 3.5 years of my life..? I really am so so confused.. Where is this person????? Cuz I seriously want him back. 

"Its not you it's me" is the lousiest and stupidest excuse in the relationship book. It doesn't even make sense. 1st, if you really thought I was a good girlfriend, you'd be selfish and you'd keep me to yourself. Because everyone in this world is selfish. 2nd, if you think you're the problem then you still would keep me to yourself because you would know no one can accept you except me. 3rd, if both of the reasons aren't true, means that sentence doesn't stand ANYMORE. Because the problem IS me. 

If you only wanted alone time, we could've just paused this relationship.. Made it a clear pause and let you figure out ur things like a mature adult.. At least we both know we still love each other and eventually we would be back together.. Not treat me like a piece of trash and just leave everything to fate or even worse, "See how it goes". 

Fuck that shit I'm so tired already. & Seriously fuck you I'm not gonna marry anyone except you. I'm not gonna fucking waste my time to know someone all over again. I'm not gonna waste my time even flinging around. Lame. I am just not interested fml. The fact that I can even say this it's because my mind already fixed on him. I'm gonna be a virgin mary now. 

Might be my loss if you ever read this hopefully you don't. Keep bombing me with "what if a new girl enter my life".. Then fuck you obviously I have no choice but to fuck off from your life! Heartless. Hais. 

How can you even do that. Treat it like you never loved me before, treat it like you're not attracted to me.. You treat it like you don't miss my kisses nor hugs. I tried to be understanding and told you straight in your face I know you're bluffing and I know you miss it. Yet you can tell me otherwise. Fucking hurtful piece of shit. So you trying to say I'm not your exgirlfriend now I'm just your friend. Fuck. Means what? Past 3.5 years really nothing? I've not been attached at all!? 

I DONT UNDERSTAND. 

Basically I am in no position to start a conversation with you right now. Please don't say I do not care and shit like that. Cuz I've proven fucking a lot that I want you more than anything in this world. But you don't. Don't ask me why I don't text you first. Don't ask me why I don't talk to you first. Don't tell me that I can start a conversation with you because that will only lead to me showing that I'm clingy. Since you do not want that then don't say I stopped loving you. Don't say I stopped caring. Cuz every fucking moment in my god damn mind I'm thinking about you. 

I never fucking knew you could do this to me. Even until now I'm so fucking fucking shocked. Hais. 

Was I even special to you from the beginning? I'm really starting to doubt my own feelings.. I literally planned out my future with you and all that. It takes years to reach wherever that is but it comforts me to know we're doing this together. What's your problem suddenly doing this to me.. If you really don't want me at all if you really just wanna fuck it all, then why can't you just really kick me out of ur life entirely? Obviously you don't want that.. Hais. Then why you being so stubborn to do all this??? Be in a rs cannot have alone time meh? What logic is that. You want healthy relationship obviously IN the relationship, need to have alone time la? If you think getting together with someone means really giving all your time to just that person, then honestly all your relationships will be toxic.. Not only with me.. Why blame me why is everything on me? I know I fucked up at some point, but it doesn't mean the fault lies entirely on me.. 

Even if there were faults, its a decision to make things work out.. Hais.. I don't know what your mind is thinking.. But I know I'm a devoted fool to this man.. I hope one day he loves me back the same way I do.. All I need in my life is for him to love me. He's my fucking missing part and literally no one can fill up that hole. Don't tell me TIME WILL MAKE A DIFF. NO IT DOESNT. If it really did make a difference, I wouldn't be in this state right now. I'd be a cold hearted bitch. No man.. Hais lol. Fuck it la love hurts la. 

Why you wanna play this push and pull game..? What on earth is your end goal...? What is it that you can't communicate with me..? I'm zoning out.. Not because I don't love you but because you're making things very hard to stay. You're making me feel like I'm the shittiest person on earth. You're not even able to show me the slightest REALLY JUST THE SLIGHTEST love or concern.. If you truly wanted us to be friends, why try so hard to not meet? Why you trying so hard to force urself to be alone? Why need to try so hard if this is really what you wanted? 

Can you just wake up.. T_T Do u really have to wait until something fucking big to happen for you to realise what a big mistake this is..

I don't want us to fade.. But who are you anymore.. I'm fucking sad that I'm no longer there in your life. I'm so sad that I'm gonna become numb soon. 

Fucking dad fought with me over a stupid $1 discount. He got to be kidding me right?! Argh fuck seriously. My mood and mind ALREADY NOT THERE KNN. Fucking pissed off today seriously. Cuz of something so fucking small he can be so fucking mad at me for the whole day?! What the fuck is his problem?

AND DYLAN? WHAT DO U EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND? Blaming me about every mother fucking shit about your fucking family!!!! Fucking hell cb. ONLY YOU CAN BE MAD?!!! I AM FUCKING ANGRY I GOT RANT AT YOU?! FUCKING NO. DONT WANT ME THEN DONT FUCKING WANT I ALSO DONT FUCKING WANNA TALK ANYMORE. Fucking cb.

What the hell really?! Fucking knn what did I fucking do to deserve all this?! 好心哪里有好报？人家根本都不管你的死活。干嘛放那么多心思！我真的不知道为什么我这样。口能说你多么的爱我，你多么的放不下我，但不能那么狠心的对我。你的臭头脑到底在想什么！？我真的不明白！！！为什么你要这样对我？为什么?!!!!

I have no one else to talk about this... I’m just blogging and blogging and blogging hoping to get all my feelings out but I just don’t know how to get better 😢 I’m not living in a drama but why is my love life so dramatic 😢 It’s so painful and I’m so scared... I really hate people leaving my life.. If he cheated and had a reason to leave, I’d just let it go.. But now it’s just... He loves me but he wants me to go? He wants to be alone but he can meet up with his friends..? What is it about me that he doesn’t like and doesn’t wanna see? I want to be understanding but how is this any fair to me? Do you know how fucking understanding I already am.. Why can’t you just love me 😭😭😭😭 All i fucking need is your FUCKING love and NOTHING ELSE

Just maybe 1.5 weeks ago you still called me your girl 😭 Baby i fucking miss you a lot I really fucking can’t stop crying... Do you know how much I fucking miss your fucking hugs..... How much I fucking miss your forehead kisses 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I’m so fucking in pain 😭 I fucking don’t want to move on... Why can’t you just come back to me 😭 Why!!!!! Why don’t I deserve a better answer other than an answer that’s so fucking vague 😭

我真的很痛。在这世界上只有你那么爱我... 现在连你都不要我.. 我真的不懂该怎么办我真的很想你.. I really miss you until I just can’t breathe anymore.. I’m suffocated by my own tears by my own pain... It’s so fucking unbearable all I fucking need is just to see you.. Even if it’s for fucking 10min.. 

I’m in so much fucking pain 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’m in so much pain 😭

Why must he do this to me.. Why.. How can someone who claims he loves me still do this to me.. Even I didn’t pull such bullshit to him.. Even when I was so fucking hurt when I broke up, i still gave him an open chance to prove himself.... 现在说散就散，说不见就不见.. 到底什么意思.. 我以为是跟去年一样.. 可是真的不同了.. 现在是他根本不想跟我有任何关系.. 为什么你那么狠心？我真的很伤心..

I really just want to get over this phase so bad... Every single day just gets from bad to worse... He told me to give him time and things would work out... He told me this break is not a bad break up because it’s supposed to make us better... When he’s better and gets back with me, it’d be permanent.. He told me it’s just time that he needs... How did it become “It won’t work anymore”.... How did it become him showing me zero concern... Deep down I know he’s not like that... But the things he’s saying really hurts me every single fucking day... I’m starting to believe that he really wants nothing to do with me... 😭😭 I don’t believe you don’t want to kiss me still... I don’t believe you don’t want to hug me... I don’t believe you don’t want to protect me.. I just fucking don’t believe.. 

How to be strong? To know someone who was in your life for so fucking long just decides to be FRIENDS with you?!!!! Why?! Am i not attractive enough anymore!? You finally saw what an ugly bitch I am and you just decide to ditch me???? I fucking hate this 😭

How can you want to be alone and yet hang out with ur friends....? You consider me as a friend yet you refuse to see me.. I’m so fucking upset.. I don’t know how to deal with this it’s so fucking painful.. So pain so pain... How am i supposed to watch you move on with another girl?! HOW? How am i supposed to fucking watch you live your life without me.... 😭😭😭😭😭😭 How can you fucking do this to me... 

I really just cannot believe. My heart is so fucking broken I don’t see a light to this.. 1 year... 2 years.... Every fucking thing I do reminds me of you.. Sobs... Where is the guy who’d feel so pain to see me in this state... Where is the guy who’d love me with all his might 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I fucking hate to do this alone.. 😢😢😢😭😭😭 Why do you keep saying one thing and mean another.. 😭 You just fucking said you love me yesterday.... And today you just made me feel like a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve any of your love 😭😭😭 Help god... Please just show me the way.. 

Jar of hearts...

💔😔

I don't know anymore.. I have too much time to think.. Even when there's shit to do, at the back of my mind I still think..

He really doesn't care anymore.. Why doesn't he care..
Why does he love me yet he doesn't wanna care.. Shouldn't it be a natural already..
If I really give up.. Is this really the end of us..
What's there left to fight for.. 😭

If I don't text him he doesn't text me.. He just blue ticks me whenever now.. Using "busy" as an excuse like every other guy does to me.. I thought we were special.. I thought we could conquer everything.. I'm really.. So broken.. Why am I begging him to be in my life when he clearly doesn't want me anymore.. Why am I holding on to him when it's so so so... So obvious that it's over.. :'( This feels more torturing than being together.. At least when we were together he'd still talk.. Why am I forcing conversations when there's nothing left to talk about.. This is worst than friends.. That's why there can never be friends.. Cuz you just don't do this to a friend.. Or a lover.. U do this to someone u dislike.. U do this to someone who's an acquaintance.. U don't do this to someone whom u love so much.. If U need space then don't keep me around to let you treat me so coldly.. Every single reply.. Every single reply stabs my heart.. My heart breaks every single time. So wounded and just consistently stabbing me with every "ok"

Since I cannot concentrate studying, I decided to just blog.

It's 3rd of the month again. & I choose to be happy today. We need more positivity in our lives even under all the misery and stress. I am sure if I keep up with being positive and giving out positive vibes, my mind will psycho me that things will be alright. When my anxiety acts up, I just need to tell myself time is all it matters. Things might be a mess right now but step by step things will slowly get better. I need to learn to adapt to change, something I really haven't learn since forever. I can't keep forcing things to work my way. If things don't go my way, I do not have to interfere and I do not have to be upset. I need to understand that each of us regardless of who, we are an individual of our own. How would I like it if someone like me is constantly telling me what to do and telling me if I don't do this way, then I'm a shit person? I will feel like shit and I will feel like dying too. I need to learn to think for others instead of myself.

Step by step Shanette. Step by step don't force things. Chill some titties and stop throwing your stupid emotions all around. U need to keep a hold of yourself. Yes you have been very dependent on others for happiness and maybe that still hasn't change. But others won't be able to give u happiness if you base it on them because then if they don't follow what you want them to do, you're gonna get upset you're gonna be disappointed.

Remember Shanette? Remember what you told yourself one year ago? What happened to her? Space bitch. Every individual needs their own space. Cannot be so uptight and like be a psycho bitch shanette. Aint gonna work. Heh stay happy shanette

But going home really makes me feel so suffocated and the silence around me just cannot get any louder.. I'm very sad when I'm home. I really don't know how to conquer.. It's like this super super super huge emptiness that nothing and no one can fill.. I just get reminded of everything.. I spend the whole time trying to psycho myself and every time I am home I feel so hard to breathe.. Like I cannot do this alone I cannot do this alone.. Its all my emotions that are fucking every fucking thing up.. Every cause now I feel like I am just punishing myself..

I miss your warmth.. So much so much.. Really so much.. Time is going so slow so slow.. Living everyday like I wish to just die the next day. I just want to.. But I wake up a new day and hope to myself I survive yet another day..

I don't know how to go through with this. 

I had to go through literally all the messages I sent you the last time we broke up. To refresh what kind of a shit person I was to you. Yes I'm a shit person and I totally understand how you can behave exactly like me now. We totally switched positions. I read through all the messages I sent you and I can't believe you're really sending the exact same messages back to me. I mean you probably don't know that because it is exactly how you're feeling now but yeah it's exactly the same.. 

I know you're tired I know you're burnt out from my suffocation. I felt the same the other time and now that I look back, I really bow down to your pushiness.. I mean if I actually did the same thing you did to me back to you now, to constantly send you so many texts and to show you how much I love you and everything, I think you really cannot take it and also block me. That's why I can never bring myself to do that to you. I don't want to reach to the extent of you hating me. I don't know what I can do to make us work.. At least I know last time, even though I was fucking hurt, deep down I was very willing to see you work for our rs... 

Now I feel you don't even want it anymore.. I can't assume that you feel the same as me last time.. Some parts of me believe you still love me.. But I'm scared to risk it.. I'm scared to push you to the end and then literally hate me forever. This space that you want, is exactly the space I needed last year. Why did it take me so hard to understand that? As much as you told me you wouldn't put me through this pain anymore, I just cannot feel but this time it might be really different.. 

I don't know which sentences that you say you really mean.. Do you still believe what's meant to be will be? Do you still believe god will bring us back together? It might really not be now.. But maybe in future? Or is there really zero hopes for this entirely for you? I keep telling myself I'm not the same as your exes and I hope you still feel that you might be happy if I'm ur happy ending.. Toxic.. Unhealthy.. Yeah I felt it all last time too. I understand every single thing yet now I can't seem to accept it either.. 

I wish you know how much I still want you.. I know you can't breathe and that's why I will never text you first.. Cuz I know I'm a burden.. Cuz I know you don't want to hear from me.. But please know that if you ever need me I am here.. I just wanna vent all my emotions on my blog rather than spamming you.. Because I know you will get irritated, because I know you will feel pressurised. Literally everything you tell me is what I told you last year.. Sorry for making you so burn out. I hope you understand that if you can wait for me, I also can do the same. I hope you understand that even though you feel you're so unstable now, there's still me waiting for you and there's still me hoping you'd love me back again. 

I want you to know that it is not my pride that is stopping me from texting you.. I want you to know that it is because I respect that you need time alone that's why I cannot be clingy, that's why I cannot be pushy like you did last time to me.. I know you will feel fucking annoyed and no peace. I hope you don't think I don't care anymore. Because I still do and I still want us to work out.. It might not be now.. But baby steps.. I hope you're willing to take baby steps again in time to come.. 

I'm done playing relationship games.. I know being hurt is part of everything and we have been hurt so much so much.. I want to let you know that whatever we are going through now we are strong enough to break through and come out stronger.. 

I miss you a lot.. Every single thing I see I just see you.. I fucking wish I could hug you now and I fucking wish I could take all the pain away so you don't have to block it out.. I'm sorry I treat you like shit.. I'm so sorry.. I hope time will make us better.. I hope you believe that things might work out in the future.. I hope you believe me that I say I will stop being a fat princess.. I hope you believe that I really just want you, Dylan..