So quickly CNY hols are over... ;( Sigh sadpies... Another week of drama in my house. 

I'm so tired to rant already. I'm so tired of giving in to people. I'm always trying to keep things low. Aways trying to not find trouble. And yet people always like to climb above my head. Love to make me boil like nobody's business. Just because I don't talk. Just because I let it go. Once or twice I forgive. But everyone has its own limits. I'm sick of all these fucking shit people. 

I'm sick of my parents always nagging and scolding me over the smallest stupidest things ever. "Oh when you become a parent you'll understand how we feel." NO I will not castle my child as crazy as y'all. Yes I know I forgive but I'll never forget. I will never ever forget.. I will never forget anyone that has betrayed me. Never forget who I used to love and who walked away from me. I'll never forget how they used to cane me so bad. Never forget the maid that tortured me when I was barely 5. I'm sick. I'm tired. I can't stand being the nice person anymore. When I've reached my maximum of the maximum trust me I will walk out. I fucking will. 

I don't know what to do or what to feel anymore. It's like everyone is out to fight and push me down. I know I always block and filter people out of my life. That's only because I hate people who two face me. I can't stand people who gossip. Like why the fuck do people do that. Okay there are times when I can't tolerate something and maybe I'll say something nasty. But that's only maybe 2 out of 10 times. I do not respect people who take gossiping as a lifestyle. I always remember this, "If they can gossip about someone else, they can gossip about you too." And sorry I can't take that shit. I rather not listen to people who talk shit about people. I'd rather be in my own world. Only then when you gossip about me, I'll feel nothing because I know you're not important in my life. You can talk as much as you want about me but it doesn't affect me. It's only the people who are close to me and they talk about me, that's when I need to kick you out of my life. I don't take in any fucking lame shit excuses cuz I don't have time for that. 

I hate how I don't know how to express my emotions well. I have so much to say all the time but I just can't. I just refuse to let the world know what I'm thinking. I just can't stand the world!!!!!!! 

My parents think they know me the best. Do they really? Do they really know what kind of a person I am? Or do they just think they know what kind of a person I am. The kind of daughter they picture in their head doesn't even sound like me. I'm not even trying to live in denial. I'm just sad that sometimes the way they think about me is just so damn wrong. If they say I'm childish, they haven't seen enough teenagers nowadays. 

Honestly if I could runaway to another country and start anew, I would. Of course I'd bring my baby along. Only then my world would be complete. No he doesn't complete me. I complete myself. He is there to make it even more complete. And I love him, for still standing by my side despite all the shit that has been going on.... All the drama

that he has to go through because of me. 

I really want to start a life with him... In my heart I want it more than him... I want to have a house of our own. I want to have a family. But it's still so early to say anything. We're not even a year old. I always have this fear something might happen. I hate this I can't get rid of it. I really have faith in us.. I hope whatever happens we will never give up on each other... I am so scared one day he cannot tolerate me anymore he'll leave. I'm so scared if I don't change sooner he'll be gone T_T What would I do...  I love him and I'm really the luckiest girl because he makes me feel so blissful everytime... No boyfriend in the world is ever like him.. 

He always ask me why am I not tired. Because really talking to him is more impt than sleep. Because I rather be awake to talk to him. Because when I'm sleeping I feel so far away from him. Everytime he needs to leave I feel so sad. Why must he leave. Why must the day end. Why.... Week after week after week I get this post weekend syndrome. Even when I see him so much the past 2 weeks, it still feels like it's not enough. I feel so greedy sometimes. 

This week is project week. I honestly have quite a lot of things undone. It's easier to survive the day when the day in school is so short. I wished my daily curriculum is like this... Hais. I miss my baby.. I really never knew I could miss someone so bad until him... I just don't know how to explain this feeling of his absence. 

I actually have a lot to blog about... But my bloody computer is down and I'm so lazy to type everything out on my phone... (Say only later end up the post long like hell hahahah)

Been sick for soooo many days. I'm feeling so many emotions for the past few days it's really driving me crazy. Had a bad fight with baby during Valentine's.... It was so bad it really fucked up my heart. Wells it's over now and we kinda had fun on Sunday. Every moment with him is so precious I can't believed I used up my Saturday to fight with him... :'( 

School's really demoralizing me to the max. I hate to say this but I've started the school term with no motivation at all. Here and there it'll come but it'll go as fast as it disappears. I don't even know why I still go. I really should've quitted in year 1 or latest year 2. Why did I wait till now.... I'm just very confused with my life right now. I really don't know what I want to do.

Everyone's either kicking me out or like giving me fucking bad spots or I'm second casted..... Like ok why not I just don't do the show at all? I remember how she previously said like "do yall think your presence is not important in the class?" YUP. Def not important. Whether I'm there or not it doesn't fucking matter. 

So Melissa decided to take me out half of Jenny's piece. Wow thanks a lot. She's really out to get me either out of the show or just maybe repeat the year. I feel so sad and at the same time I see how Jenny keeps trying to help me when she "attacks" me. I am fucking sick!!!! I am not kidding when I say i can't breathe properly!!!! Fucccccck whatever seriously. Everything's making me feel so fucked up. 

Shouyi's rehearsal was not that bad... Until the end when someone decided to just be fucking bipolar and shit. I was just voicing out what my problem was. That bitch had to raise her voice and be so mother fucking defensive and shit? I can never understand how I'm bigger size than her but her power is that of a man's. No wonder you no need penis to satisfy yourself. Omg I swear seriously I got no comments for her. But whatever 大人不跟小人计较. Not worth my time arguing with that bitch. You wanna fight with me? Nah I think you find a wall to fight with ok. 

I hate my blocking in hip hop..... I hate it so fucking much.. I don't know I can't help but feel like it's because I wasn't there on that day and so he decided to just throw me on corner. IM JUST SO SAD OK 😭.... Don't even need to talk about jazz I fucking hate the piece so much. Why am I a fucking powerpuff girl.... Can teachers make me do something I actually look good in for once....? HOW AM I CUTE DAPHENY TELL ME I LOOK SO RETARDED.... Why does she last minute throw all the steps to us... Oh my god GIVING UP ON LIFE 

Fuck school, fuck the toxic people. Fucccccccck I just can't do this anymore. Someone or something please let me see a ray of hope infront of me. 

Sigh... I really don't know how to get out of the state I am in... What should I do really?

Had Susan's technique class this morning and felt like utter shit.. I should've just not gone. Sorry that I'm a dip 3 student and still suck balls. I really feel so horrible..

Had lunch with yaqi before afternoon classes... She gave me a one hour talk.... I don't know how to feel. I understand everything that she's telling me but why am I still so negative as a whole? Even after her telling me so much. I still feel like I should blame myself. I feel like I should say sorry to all my classmates for being such a lazy unindependent student. I feel sorry for always randomly showing my attitude. Especially when I need my peace and people break it. I am sorry for not letting anyone into my world... I really don't know how. I really can't. She told me to love myself. She told me to go home and pinch my fats pinch my imperfections and say it's so cute, say i love it. How?

She told me everytime I get angry in class she can never ever get angry at me and she will never... <- I really don't know why this sentence touched me so much I don't know. I just feel very bad and sorry right now. I feel very bad for always anyhow throwing my temper around. Or maybe not temper but how I just so openly show others that I'm not happy about something... It's so hard to hide... The most I can do is a pokerface but it'll not last... I thought of my boyfriend.. I am soooo scared one day he'll just get tired of tolerating me. I want to change this horrible attitude problem of mine but why can't I... Wanted to hug him so badly just now. I just wished he was around at that moment because I know I'll feel better after just one hug... "Missing him comes in waves... & in that moment I was drowning..." 

I feel so depressed about school right now. I told her, and she told me that I know what I love to do, but in this place I just can't do what I love and that's what eating me alive.. What should I do really? :'( I don't want to burden anyone anymore I refuse to let people know me that's why I choose to keep everything to myself... Why is my mentality so weak? Why do I cry over the smallest and stupidest thing like a 5 year old kid.... No matter how hard I try not to the tears just dripping like free liddat. 

Today's jazz rehearsal just made me feel even more demoralised. I'm a dip 3 student. I suck. & I'm being put under cast 2 (which means I'm not the main cast for my grad show jazz piece.) How fucking amazing... I know I am my own saviour. But right now I really don't know what I should do to save myself. I know I have to change my mindset. I know I have to love myself. I know I need more confidence. Saying is so bloody easy. But how do I actually go about doing it?

Maybe I just need to take a week off from school. I need some sort of a therapy. What should I DOOOOOOO. 

Just losing every tiny ounces of motivation left for school. I know I am left with 3 months. But I just am so bloody lazy to go for technique classes... Sometimes even rehearsals I'm just like oh my fucking god I'm wasting my time.... 

Melissa said this year all performances will be based on whether the choreographer wants us in the piece. Honestly what's the use..... We still have to go for bloody rehearsals. Waste so much of our time and then we're not in the piece? So stupid. -_- I am so happy if Christina says she doesn't need me in her piece. Cuz I really doooooo not want to be inside. Wasting my time seriously. But I also dooooo not wanna go for her rehearsals. Yeah seriously just take me out. I haven't been attending her rehearsals anyway -_- 

Shouyi pissed the fuck outta me today. I was sooooooo not motivated in his class but I still tried anyway. I was there and just like why the fuck you still adding shit, you're already done with your piece.... So we were all going through this combination that we learnt way back last year. & He was polishing us. Mafakaaaaa he just had to "NO SHANETTE THAT IS WRONG" So he came to me and asked me what's the mechanics of a turn. He asked me questions that I couldn't answer and he just fucking wanted to me to answer. & when I did he just say, yeah more? FUCK YOU LA MORE. I seriously hate talking to him. 

He is one bloody teacher that can really make me boil so bad. Then he told me "I'm just asking you a simple question. You don't need to show me your attitude. Do you think it's a must to do this? I can don't do this. You just need to tell me." I'm like fuck how the fuck you want me to answer you. I didn't answer so he just kept giving me the "So seriously what the fuck you want" face. WAH damn mad liao. WHEN A STUDENT DOESN'T ANSWER YOU, HE OR SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T KNOW THE ANSWER. So your fucking job is to answer me when I'm quiet. So he did answer me. So when I tried again I still did wrongly. I landed on parallel foot instead of turned out foot. Well when you bloody make me so mad you think I can still do your bloody stupid move right? FUCK NO. Don't you test my bloody patience becuz I AINT GOT TIME FOR YOU. So he was like "Ur foot? Parallel or turn out? You look and you tell me" I told him parallel and he went like "What did I just say? I say lead with your heels." Kns HEELS HEELS HEELS SHUDDAP I DONT WANT TO TURN ANYMORE. Why he so guailan. Someone tell me. So ya fuck it 

One of my pet peeves is when one keeps pestering me for an answer. I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. I HAVE NOTHING TO TELL YOU. I HAVE NO WORDS FOR YOU. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Don't bloody push me to one corner. Chicken nugget. 

Stop it leh seriously what he want from me. Lame also leh I wear what shirt he also want disturb. Wu tang wu tang yaaaaaaa whats up with my wutang shirt. STOP DISTURBING ME. Sometimes in bloody class I just want to be by myself you know. I just don't want anyone to bloody break my inner peace but people just love disturbing me. Can you not. Leave me da fuck alone yo. Seriously or else I'll turn into hulk I tell you. Annoyeng max 

Oh welllllssssss on a brighter note... It's me and my darl's 2nd month!!! I love him soooo much. Loveliest man alive and I'm so glad he belongs to me. There will be many more months to go.... Then years till infinity and beyond!!!! HOHO~ <3 

The end of another weekend.

Why the weekends fly by so fast...? I wish there were equal number of weekends to weekdays. If there are 5 weekdays, there should be 5 weekends!

Spent all 3 days with my baby boy. I loved how simple this week was. It was really just about spending time with him. Didn't do anything special but I loved it. The only thing I cannot stand is how he feeds me like a big fat pig. As if I'm not already fat enough.... Also not as if I don't eat leh... I got eat he just feeds me even more... Horrible.

First time ever we took so many photos together... I managed to make him create instagram HAHA. So he bought a new phone and for some reason Instagram was already downloaded on his phone. & So..... he decided to create one~~~

He is currently living with one of his friends and I just met his friend's parents on saturday. I loved his friend's parents... They are sooooo funny and so welcoming it's crazy.. They treated us with pizza and just really made my Saturday very lively and happy.. How I wished my dad was like him... Sigh..

Met his mom and his sisters... I have mixed feelings about this. I felt so weird because we didn't really talk. She didn't really look like she was interested to know who I was. It was kinda like I was invisible. She kinda smiled at me once and it was like wow that is one helluva rare smile. & me being me.... I was just letting anxiety take over me so I just was quiet as hell. I didn't felt like language was a barrier because I can speak Chinese and I do understand their dialect. It's just that she just wasn't talking to me and hence I had nothing to say. She didn't even ask for my name.. & When the sisters came down they didn't even wanna look at me until he asked them to say hi. I just felt extremely awkward extremely not welcomed.

Don't really dare to mention anything about this right now. I kinda don't really wanna know what his mom thinks of me. It's so weird.... This might sound offensive but she gave me the "oh okay it's just another girl" feeling. Kinda sucks. I mean compared to how my mom was so interested to know who Dylan was and his mom just.... Didn't really bother... Why like thissssssss. Even his friend's parents were more interested to know who I was. This is kinda fucked up.. Okay maybe I should take into consideration that Dylan's the first guy that I introduced to my parents but... no this kinda still sucks

I kinda felt rude from time to time when I took out my phone to use but that's only because we really weren't saying anything. I was just listening to their conversation which has got nothing to do with me. I just happened to know what's going on because he's been telling me things.

Sunday night nonsense again. Feeling meh meh again. I shall just look forward to the next weekend.. Happy February guys