I get so upset over the smallest little things and I ask myself recently why I've let a guy taken over my life like that. Many times I just don't feel the same from him. And I don't even know why. I've been pulling back so these days and it sucks so bad because I've been feeling so so so empty. 

I reply his messages like immediately every single time and I ask myself why. I should've just replied him an hour later like he does most of the time. Why can't I seem to do it.. I feel shit, I really feel like utter shit. It takes so much effort to be this cold heartless girl. And I feel like crying. Because the love has never been equal for a long time and I feel like crying. I don't want to be the going to him finding for him anymore. I feel so needy and I hate it. I hate clinging on when he doesn't reciprocate. 

I want to cry. 

At first I was like yes let's finish at least 1k words today. And then now on second thought....... No thanks I'm just gonna chill. Think i'm too hard on myself all of a sudden. Suddenly dont know how to take a chill pill. LOL I actually finished my forensic psych essay in 2 god damn days?!?!?!?! Its like a freaking miracle because I never ever finish ANY essay in 2 days EVER. And it's like the longest essay I've ever returned. Anything before this were either 1k or 1.5k..... And the current one that I'm doing, word limit is 2.5k. Hai sigh... Uni life... Word limit will only increase not decrease. I don't know if I should be happy that I'm not so smart to get into honours because then i'll have a 10-15k word essay waiting for me to write. JESUS HOW EVEN I PROBABLY WILL DIE.

I feel pretty accomplished this weekend. I've been running for the past two days. Because I'm determined to slim down 5kg. I don't care by the end of this year I have to reach my goal. I'm so done being ugly and fat. Initially I thought it was okay really. I thought I've grown out of that phase. I'm not saying I haven't been taking care of myself, but I'm done with attempting to diet and all that. But recently I've just been stabbed and it's like nope. I thought it was okay to feel comfortable in my own skin. And then I realised guys will always be guys. Yes this might seem like I'm working hard to make him stay but in actual fact, I'm doing it for myself. At least if one day he still thinks someone's slimmer or prettier, I know I'm somewhere there too and I've got nothing to lose.

It's such a god damn effort to attempt to look good everyday. But oh wells.. I will do it for the sake of looking good. Even though I myself know I'm born this way I can never beat at least 3/4 of the girls out there. Look at my eyes. Do i even have eyes. Look at the scars on my skin. Not even near flawless. These are the things that I can never change and will forever be insecure about because there are a million people out there who will forever look better than me. I can only look smaller in size and attempt to take care of my skin in hopes that one day he will think that I'm enough no matter what sort of foxy slutty temptation comes in the way.

I seriously just happened to stumble upon this article on Facebook today... And the relation to this post I have is beyond any words I can describe... It's really all that I wish to say, at this point.

"I want your attention and not out of insecurity but out of desire. I want to know that you like me just as much as I like you and that you only want to talk to me, that you only want to be with me.

I want your consistency more than anything because consistency means I like you enough to keep trying, I’m invested in you and I want you to trust me.

I want your meaningful words and your genuine actions over and over again. I don’t just want them when the time is right, or when we both can’t deny our spark, I want them when we are quiet, when we’re tired, when we’re not feeling great about ourselves, I want them when I need them the most not when I expect to receive them.

Consistency means I want to build a strong connection with you, I want to create a lasting bond, I want to be part of your daily routine and I want you to know I’m always here for you and you can count on me.

I want you to be consistent more than I want to hear I love you. Because I love you are three words that can be blurted out on the spur of the moment or over shots of tequila, but consistency is sober actions and conscious thoughts.

Consistency is I’m aware of everything I’m saying and everything I’m doing and it’s not going to change overnight. Consistency doesn’t wake up the next morning regretting everything that happened the night before. Consistency means I care about keepingyou in my life for the long haul.

So if you ask me what I really want from you –all I really want is your consistency."

To me I feel so hard to fall asleep at night, not knowing what's gonna happen next. It's almost like I'm predicting when our next fight will be.. At any point that we are good I hope to stay in that time forever because who knows what will happen next.. 

It links exactly to my post yesterday. The part about me not being able to accept the happiness given because with that happiness, comes a terrible quarrel somewhere down the road. I don't want that.. I want hard work all the way throughout our relationship.. And it doesn't work just one way. Why must it always wait till after a big quarrel then I receive sweet nothings..? Why is it only when I say I'm insecure only then you start "attempting" to make me feel safe? Times when I need assurance the most are times when I don't get it. And until something horrible happens, only then I get it. It sucks. 

It's been so long..

School's always eating me alive. But I'm still surviving. Emotions have been driving me crazy. Mentally and emotionally drained. It's been currently day 5 since I felt like that. I really wanna get out of this state. This state of struggle.

I miss being loved more than I love someone. I guess the reason I got attracted to him was because finally someone loved me more than I loved someone. Because finally I was able to be myself fully and the person still came to me and love me anyway. But why has it been the opposite for the longest time and it has never turned back..? I feel so much urge to hold back how I feel. When I miss him I don't feel like saying. When I feel clingy I don't feel like showing. When I need some cuddles or just simply someone to be there for me, I don't feel like bothering him in case we miscommunicate and some shit happens. It's almost like if I show too much love I'm just letting myself get hurt even more. I miss being chased. I miss him wanting me more than I want him. I miss him showing care the right way instead of jealousy the wrong way. It used to be so natural that everytime he showered me with love I just thought it was sweet and I accepted it graciously. But nowadays it just feels like with sweet nothings comes with a terrible quarrel somewhere down the road, and I'm afraid to accept it.. I'm just too scared to be happy because it never ever last... I feel like crying everytime thoughts like this come into mind..

Mornings when I wake up early and when I don't see his message, I feel so empty. Like every morning for 622 days (or more counting the days before that) the first thing I wake up and immediately think of him, i wonder if he does the same..? When I'm with my friends when I'm simply just with anyone but him, all I can think of is him, does he do the same...? When I'm busy with something, I wish to share every single detail of my busy day with him, does he feel the same..? So many questions in my head..

My heart's crying out loud and I don't know how to convey myself. And it hurts so badly inside every single day.