Currently missing this pig alittle too much. Woke up at 5.30am this morning to send him off to Australia. But turned out I couldnt stay longer because sotong didnt know where the departure hall was.. Which obviously made me sad and I couldnt hide. It's another 3 weeks without him. Seems a little surreal because right now I still have my brother's accompany.. But once he's gone too back to Melbourne I'll be back to being all alone. Fucking sucks much!

Slept for like the entire day.. I kept dreaming that I was in Australia. Like what the hell. It feels like my close ones are suddenly all in Australia now like what the hell. I so want to go Australia right now :'( Can I please at least fly there to be with my brother if I cant be with my boyfriend? This sucks. 

Actually baby has only been back for like a week but I feel like hes been back for at least a month because I saw him almost everyday for the past week. Many things happened in this one week. Sometimes I can't figure out if meeting too much is bad..? You know I really cherish every single minute when I'm with him. Like to me it's so precious because there's only this little time with him. Call me unrealistic but like I just don't know I can't live a minute spent with him doing something not memorable. I mean I can, only if I know I can see him again soon like the next weekend.. But even then sometimes I feel like that's not enough. Time with him is never ever enough. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't treat me the same in the way like I do.

I'm always scared to lose him. I'm always scared to wake up one day and he'll stop loving me. We're not guaranteed tomorrow. Honestly. I don't want to wake up and realise that I haven't done or say something I wanted to do or say to him. 

"I found myself dreaming, in silver and gold, like a scene from every movie that every broken heart knows.

We were walking on moonlight and you pulled me close.

Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone..

I woke up in tears with you by my side, a breath of relief and I realised, we're not promised tomorrow.

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you 

And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye 

Wherever we're standing, I wont take you for granted

Cause we never know when we'll run out of time 

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you..

In a blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke, you could lose everything.

The truth is, you'll never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby, any chance that I get

I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets.

Let's take our time and say what we want.

Here's what we got before it's all gone.

Cause no we're not promised tomorrow."

- Meghan Trainor ft. John Legend (Like I'm gonna lose you)

The year is ending yet again. A part of me seriously can't believe how fast this year has passed by. It has truly been a..... not so pleasant year.. After many years I've realised no year will ever be like how we want it to be. There will always be ups and downs and the only difference is if there's more ups than downs or vice versa.. 

Honestly hope I get a place in SIM. I probably will feel like stressed and shit when school starts. But after being out in the society for like only 4 months I realised I cannot be stuck earning 1 over thousand or even if I get promoted maybe 3k. No. I am worth more than that and I do not wish to be stuck under stupid mangers that have no clue what they're doing. I'm pretty sure I can do much better than them and I will do better than them. Do not wish to be stuck with a bunch of retards who have no idea how horrible they are as people. 

I've officially graduated from LASALLE and now it's time to start my new journey. It's not a cheap one and hopefully money won't go to waste.. Sometimes I guess my parents are right. I can study it just really depends if I want it hard enough or not. For my future I guess it's time to wake up and put in some effort. As I grow older, people with brains are really much more pleasing in the eye than people who talk with no sense..... So yes I'm not gonna be the kind of idiot that has no brains and talk without even thinking. 

Time to wake up my idea!!!!! 2 more months to go to let Nancy torture me. Just 2 more. I can do this. I can. And then December my brother will be back. Then we will have our annual family overseas trip and also I'll be travelling with my dearest babyboy too. I'm honestly realllyyyyy excited because this is the first time I'm travelling with someone else other than my family members. & he is my boyfriend. I would love for it to be a memorable experience but like........ I'M SO SCARED TO HAVE EXPECTIONS T_T What if it doesnt turned out the way I want it to? Most of the time I can't hide my bloody emotions because outings always don't turn out the way I want it to and I get upset.

No expectations = no disappointments 

That's like the ultimate number one rule in my life 

But I always fail to not have any expectations. MEH

I miss baby.

My eyeballs are poppin.... Contact lens killed me in the haze and to top it off, bawled my eyes out.

It's like nearing 2 now and I've just settled down in bed. Nothing much to say about today but just the sudden realization to how guarded I am towards myself regardless of how open I proclaimed myself to be.. 

"Because people in the past have made her promises and they've brokened them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn't believe she's worthy of love. Because she's had too many people leave her, both intentionally and unintentionally, and she doesn't wanna give you a chance to leave too. 

She has been through so much. Sooo much.. She's had moments where she didn't know where she was going to keep going. Moments where she didn't think she could get out of bed, and worse moments where she did get out of the bed and felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points she was so lost and torn up that she wasn't even sure if she was real.. 

Sometimes she can't believe you love her, other times she doesn't want to believe you love her. Because that would be too good, and good is not what she's used to.. She doesn't want to love and then lose you.. She's scared, because having someone and then suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone.. 

She might be extremely secure with herself, or she might think she is nothing. She has seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she's watching sadder stories unfold.. She's seen her friends get hurt, and she's seen her friends hurt other people.. She knows that breaking someone's heart doesn't always mean you're a jerk or a heartless monster.. She knows good people hurt other good people.. 

Maybe she's loved someone but knew they weren't right for her, so she had to leave them. And now she's worried that you're going to do the same thing to her. That even though you love her and you're kind hearted and you have the purest intentions, you still might have to walk away... She knows there's so many reasons why this might not work..

She listens to love songs and she lets them pass through her and she wants them to be her life. But she can't.. She wants to be that sickeningly happy. To be so in love that you aren't fazed by rude people or stressful situations. But she won't let herself. She'd rather stay on the cautious side."

This is from an article called "Why she doesn't believe that you love her." I coincidentally rambled onto this article and it totally relates to my exact thoughts to what happened this afternoon-night. I don't expect him to understand why i behave this way. Maybe some people just can't. I get it.. But I would still like to thank him.. For still telling me he loves me everyday.. I know for sure people get tired of trying to make an insecure person secure. And it's really hard because I've been through the same thing trying to persuade an insecure person.. I know it's hard and really the only way to go about this is self love.. 

The only reason that caused this was because I don't love myself. I don't feel worthy of his love and I don't feel worthy of myself. I feel like I can be bullied because I deserved to. I feel like I can let others step on me because I deserved to even though I'm not in the wrong. I feel like I'm the ugliest human on earth and I'm born this way. I feel like I'm the fattest living thing and it's just flawed entirely..... I can never get past myself.. It's because I can never believe someone else would love someone like me.. Though I cannot believe it I still like the idea of having loved by someone so dear to me.. But it's hard to overcome myself to love him openly.. To not feel scared that he might be gone. To not feel scared that obstacles might pull us apart... I can't handle such things... 

It's so hard. I hope these are just midnight thoughts and I hope I'm just pmsing, really.. Cuz what I'm feeling now suck ballz.

真的不好受。可是我能做什么？爸爸妈妈每次都问我，“以后你们结婚了他还是会去国外一个月两个月怎么办？你能受得了吗？” 你要我怎样回答？讲真的我是受不了。一个礼拜我都不能忍受了。每天都希望能每天都看到他。以放工就能去找他，不管多远我也回去... 

Left 2 more days till baby can contact me.. and 4 more days till he's back.. I want cry:( This emptiness is killing me. I don't want another weekend like this. I don't want :'( 

Work was pretty okay this week despite the new staffs. Maybe because I was sitting at my original seat. Bloody Nancy wants to ostracise me to another corner without my colleagues. Fuck you la everything also my fault. & because Divya chose a fucking wrong timing to go to the toilet she blamed me for not keeping the documents. Like what the fuck I was doing something else right?!!!! But wth thankful that Leonard gave a hand hmm wasn't expecting that but thankful. 

Why do I always feel pressurized by others? Literally regardless of who. If you and I have emotional connections before I can never ignore you. Emotional connections as in if you're a friend and we've actually communicated on a certain close level before I can never ignore you. I've been so like.... argh I don't even know what to say about myself. I don't even know if it's because I don't know how to respect my own thoughts or I just simply to give a say to what I have to think. Yes I never type wrong I don't give myself a say in anything. It's always others opinions first.. I feel so lost without baby. Sometimes he doesn't help in solving my problems but ever since he was gone I realized one thing. Really just him being there for me is all that I needed. Now I'm just like what the fuck man.. I'm

having really bad withdrawal symptoms from my boyfriend. :'( I know he's suffering like crazy out there. Can it end already... Can he don't even go Australia... How the fuck am I gonna do this seriously sobs that's like probably another 3 weekends without him... 

To be fucking honest I thought I could just you know go out hang out and enjoy with my friends. I COULDNT DO IT. I really fucking couldn't. I feel so horrible without him by my side. This feels so different from Germany. Maybe because back then we weren't officially attached and I was still somehow adjusting my single life to having someone beside me. But now it's just.... I'M FUCKING CLINGY AS FUCK AND WHY DID I THINK I COULD DO THIS AH why did I think I could easily get through this 9 days without contacting him. This is ridiculous. I want to cry.... 

Just finished watching the movie 7 letters and feeling emotional again. Eyer don't like movies that make me cry in public!!!!! Boohoo omg but it made me reminisce so much of the old Singapore. It really has changed so much in the past 10 over years.. I lived 2 decades and it has changed so much. I can't imagine how much nostalgia my parents would be feeling cuz majority of the short films are like in the 1970s. I'm really glad to have been through the non technology phase of life. It really was memorable.. 

And then guess what.. After sobbing like a mehmeh in the theatre, was cleaning my tears and walking out of the cinema. I saw someone whom I used to shared memories with....? Oh my god what are the odds. Singapore is sooooo small but it's not even small also. The door opened so small and I was like shit. I fucking walked out and confirmed it was him!!!! Shit I swear omg damn crazy. Suddenly I just feel like omg day of nostalgia no joke.

I don't know why I just have this sentimental connection with my sec 1 memories. I really don't even know why. I am darn sure it was puppy love but I was also darn sure that was the most dramatic and most memorable part of my secondary school life. This is bad :( What a day I don't like to drown in memories.... Especially days when I used to be stress free... I really don't wanna grow up no joke :'( 

I miss baby so much it's crazy.... this one week I just feel like a part of me is gone. ITS HORRIBLE :'(!!!!!! This is really the first time I'm feeling this... I probably felt this when I was at Thailand last year when finding wifi was hard. But this is even harder because I can't even contact him.. I can't help but just keep thinking of the worst. One more week this is crazy :( 

Went to drink and eat dinner with my family... Felt good. I feel good not being so sober.. And it's quite bad.. I suddenly just feel like drinking everyday to get through the night it might probably be easier. I remember I have one chivas unopened at bang bang. wth should've just bought somewhere where I can chill and not a bloody club. Gawd. Whatever money gone to waste. I wish every week will be like this... I really don't mind spending one day with my parents drinking and talking. It's so nice to feel less sober.. I actually miss this feeling.. Shit 

I miss you dyla ong yao hui.. I feel so empty without my baby its driving me crazy. 

I'm so frustrated :( Because baby just feels so far away from me and I just can't help but feel so sad... I tried!!!!! I thought I can get through the day without much difficulty but that's a lie. It'll be a lie if I say I don't feel anything :( 

Every few hours I have this urge to text him even though I know there won't be a reply.. And then I feel sad because there won't be a reply.. OH MA GAD I HATE THIS FEELING CAN THIS DONT HAPPEN AGAIN SOBSSSSSS I WISH I CAN SPAM MILLIONS OF SOBBING EMOJI OVER HERE RIGHT NAO. 

It's probably like the midnight talk and shit but really no I've been feeling like this all day :( and it's only day one how the fuck am i gonna survive one full week of this..... 

I thought watching drama will let time pass faster but damnit Chef and na bong sun is so cute together it makes me cry I feel single again what the fuck!!!!!! How do girls not overthink you tell me. I suddenly have this thought like maybe after 9 days he will feel comfortable without texting me and slowly we will feel comfortable without each other OH MY GOD THIS IS NONSENSE THINKING UT WHY AM I THINKING LIDDIS. T_T I keep wishing like suddenly he will text me omg this is so sad baby I miss you so much I want to craiiiii I feel so weird not seeing him for the weekend this is so sad I'm so sad I'm feeling so sad!!!!!!!!!!! And I still have one more weekend without him this is crazyyyyy

Oh my god save me somebody just save me this is mother fucking torture