My mind's everywhere. Something feels different. It's like I've been living in this "fairytale" for the  past 3 months and suddenly it hit me that our lives will be different once others are involved. Somehow I can't seem to digest that or I don't know how I'm supposed to adapt to it. Sigh I'm unhealthy.

It feels different. Reality has woken me up and suddenly I'm scared of the future. Or how I might react to situations. What is wrong with me?

I want to miss you but I'm making myself not to. I don't want to be so overly attached that I get affected by everything. How to love when I don't know how to stop feeling like everything's a competition? How to love if it's always about who's taking the first step in the relationship? How to love when I just keep feeling like if I give in once and I'm just gonna be feeling like a loser?????? omg

And so I gathered. An attached guy who have an active sexual life will hardly watch porn. So I don't get it still. The problem is still definitely me. Lol. Maybe one day when I become hot and unattainable, I'll not let anyone have me. Maybe a lot of people might think I may not be able to make it, but yeah. If it helps my self esteem I will do it. Devastating lol. Prolly wouldn't affect me if I know for a fact I'm not giving anything. Or if we're not having like frequent sex. But..... even so it's just always and forever not enough. & I'll never be enough for anyone. It makes me super no mood and I just don't feel like giving anymore. I'll just be a hole for you to release. It doesn't matter to me cuz I can live without sex. Sad. Perhaps one day when you're scared someone else will have me only then you will stop being greedy.

Kinda thought we were over this topic like months ago but now it's back and like what the fuck so back to square 1 with all these feelings. Hais. Who knows when it will happen again..... 

很想睡觉但睡不着.. Sigh I'm so tired. Felt like i cried the entire day and my eyes are so puffy. I don't know what's up with me today and yesterday. I'm so tired of being awake. Some days i wish i slept and never woke up.

Morning penny for thoughts?

I don't know why am I even awake when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

After a short chat with my old friend tonight, I realized maybe I'm the problem through it all, lol. As much as I say I know what I want from a boyfriend, I prolly really don't. I try so hard to let things flow naturally and be wherever god takes me. But when it really comes down to any sort of situation, my own personality takes charge. I hate it.. Because my personality equals anxiety taking charge. I always call my relationship a toxic one but maybe I'm the toxic woman that needs to change. 

I don't know why I'm doing holding someone I supposedly love a prisoner. I'm fuxking toxic and maybe I really need to be alone. He loves to question me like "Why do u always go out only when I go out?" Because I have this mindset that if i can forsake my plans and be with him then maybe he should too. But i forgot sometimes I need my time with my friends too. I know very well that friends are just friends. But I don't know why I just feel like his friends will destroy us and I hate that feeling. I think this is very selfish of me. But I'm so toxic that I can not meet my friends just so he wouldn't meet his. Is this how a healthy person should feel? No. I'm not healthy. Not for him not for anyone else. 

I'd randomly ask myself why can't I just be more cheery and lovable? Sweeter rather than moody? How all the situations would turn out different if I were more gentle with my tone. I just can't let myself go. I just can't break down that wall at all. I don't know why I can't put myself in that position of being hurt. I can't accept rejection. I'm so over sensitive about everything that it's killing me. 

Many times he told me that my insecurity is killing the relationship or what not. I feel like I should be the one setting him free. Why the fuck we torturing each other I don't geddit.... I feel like we're returning back to how we were and it's because of me not him. I feel like I'm back to the clingy me and I just might die and go crazy if anything cocks up. I'm so unhealthy.... God save me I need a way out of this 😭 I don't want to go back to that life.. But I don't know how to free myself from it. Because I'm selfish.. Even though it's not good for the both of us, I want his care and love and concern. I can't bare to even have the thought of him with someone else. It's normal to look at girls. It's normal to have girl friends. It's normal to be slightly close to them. But to me, a lot of toxic thoughts just runs through my mind. How the fuck does that happen....? 

I remember when I wanted to break up it was for the best of both of us.. But more for me because I was also just doing so much harm to the relationship. Why the fuck must I put myself in that position to be so crazy and fucked up? I'm fucking up everything and even up till now, I don't think I've changed. I was okay when I had my friends. But as soon as i prioritize him first, everything's going haywire. I'm just scared of god knows what. He have done all he has done to make me feel secure but I just can't help it... 

I don't know where to find the courage to free myself from this future misery of me and him. I don't want to but I'm just gonna cause so many future arguments because of my insecurities and craziness. How? Work it through? I can't work well at all as a person, I drive my ownself crazy. I don't know where or how to start feeling normal. 

I don't know where to find someone that can tolerate my this bullshit of an attitude. Why can't I just be soft like a normal girl should be? And why of all people he just have to choose me? Hais. I'm just ruining his life in the long term. People like me needs too much love it's too consuming. And that's why people like me are destined to be alone for the rest of our lives. 

Yeah I probably jinxed myself. I shouldn't have posted anything so maybe then there wouldn't be any quarrels. What's so hard to understand from my point of view? It's always when I start to try and hope that I get disappointed. Once again I've proven myself I should hope for nth and look forward to nth.

How did I used to post a lot in the past? I wish I had the same dedication as I had years back so that I have more to read on when I look back.. But doesn't seem to be happening..

Life's been pretty stale recently. Like a good stale and I really appreciate that things have been going the way that it is right now. What scares me is that I'm currently very attached to how things are now that if it suddenly changes again, I might take awhile to cope with the change.. Sigh some things about me seriously never change. I can't believe we're already almost in the last quarter of the year AGAIN? Where the hell did the time flew to? I kinda wished I didn't waste all that money drowning on my sorrows and stress.

I get sick of the night life too easily. I mean it's fun and all but this year feels like 2014 on repeat. Back in 2014, we rushed too quickly into things but my mindset at that point of time was that I finally found someone I felt home to. Every time when I was with him, it just felt right even though most of the time we were pretty much doing nothing. Doing nothing felt much better than going out and mixing around with a bunch of people that you don't even know, pretending like I have a lot of life when I really don't.

Now in 2017, we've been trying to get back into track and working things out and I'm really so thankful that things are really falling into place. That's how I feel now and I really don't know what would happen if things go south (again).. I mean that would prove we're really not meant to be but deep down I just know that's not really the kind of ending I want. Yes there might be a few downs but I'm glad the positives are enough to cover the negatives. I won't deny there are some days I would just suddenly think of the extreme side of what used to happen and I get scared..

Thank you, you. For still trying to bring back the faith in us in spite of everything. Although it feels like this whole thing was caused by him alone, I won't deny I have a part to play in the previous years. Having to hold so much expectations on him and moulding him into the perfect ideal in my mind, not putting into thought that to him it might have not been an issue. It's true love takes place naturally. Its he who has to see the need to change for the better. No one can change anyone.. It feels so free to love each other now. No lies. No hiding. Just truth and honesty.. I really remember for the longest time how I was just simply afraid to ask about certain things because it was for a fact that he was gonna flare no matter what. I can't believe things have changed and right now it just feels so free and easy. Well of course it's the good kind of free and easy.

I'm thankful for this breakthrough. I'm thankful things worked out. I hope I'm not jinxing it by penning this down but rather, something I can look back to when I read through this again in the near future.