Morning penny for thoughts?

I don't know why am I even awake when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

After a short chat with my old friend tonight, I realized maybe I'm the problem through it all, lol. As much as I say I know what I want from a boyfriend, I prolly really don't. I try so hard to let things flow naturally and be wherever god takes me. But when it really comes down to any sort of situation, my own personality takes charge. I hate it.. Because my personality equals anxiety taking charge. I always call my relationship a toxic one but maybe I'm the toxic woman that needs to change. 

I don't know why I'm doing holding someone I supposedly love a prisoner. I'm fuxking toxic and maybe I really need to be alone. He loves to question me like "Why do u always go out only when I go out?" Because I have this mindset that if i can forsake my plans and be with him then maybe he should too. But i forgot sometimes I need my time with my friends too. I know very well that friends are just friends. But I don't know why I just feel like his friends will destroy us and I hate that feeling. I think this is very selfish of me. But I'm so toxic that I can not meet my friends just so he wouldn't meet his. Is this how a healthy person should feel? No. I'm not healthy. Not for him not for anyone else. 

I'd randomly ask myself why can't I just be more cheery and lovable? Sweeter rather than moody? How all the situations would turn out different if I were more gentle with my tone. I just can't let myself go. I just can't break down that wall at all. I don't know why I can't put myself in that position of being hurt. I can't accept rejection. I'm so over sensitive about everything that it's killing me. 

Many times he told me that my insecurity is killing the relationship or what not. I feel like I should be the one setting him free. Why the fuck we torturing each other I don't geddit.... I feel like we're returning back to how we were and it's because of me not him. I feel like I'm back to the clingy me and I just might die and go crazy if anything cocks up. I'm so unhealthy.... God save me I need a way out of this 😭 I don't want to go back to that life.. But I don't know how to free myself from it. Because I'm selfish.. Even though it's not good for the both of us, I want his care and love and concern. I can't bare to even have the thought of him with someone else. It's normal to look at girls. It's normal to have girl friends. It's normal to be slightly close to them. But to me, a lot of toxic thoughts just runs through my mind. How the fuck does that happen....? 

I remember when I wanted to break up it was for the best of both of us.. But more for me because I was also just doing so much harm to the relationship. Why the fuck must I put myself in that position to be so crazy and fucked up? I'm fucking up everything and even up till now, I don't think I've changed. I was okay when I had my friends. But as soon as i prioritize him first, everything's going haywire. I'm just scared of god knows what. He have done all he has done to make me feel secure but I just can't help it... 

I don't know where to find the courage to free myself from this future misery of me and him. I don't want to but I'm just gonna cause so many future arguments because of my insecurities and craziness. How? Work it through? I can't work well at all as a person, I drive my ownself crazy. I don't know where or how to start feeling normal. 

I don't know where to find someone that can tolerate my this bullshit of an attitude. Why can't I just be soft like a normal girl should be? And why of all people he just have to choose me? Hais. I'm just ruining his life in the long term. People like me needs too much love it's too consuming. And that's why people like me are destined to be alone for the rest of our lives.