What a week. What a day.

Had the worst few hours of loneliness just now when I was at school. I never felt so hopeless and helpless in my life. Why the hell was my mother being so mean and insensitive over her texts? Why did she have to put me through her pms shit just before rehearsal? Just when XT told us to get ready I had to run out of the studio because my eyes free flow tears. Came back still feeling like shit but fuck it. 

After that we had to go have a debrief with the performance people so we went to D201.. The wait was so torturing. We waited for like 30min plus. To be exact I was waiting alone and I just needed someone to talk to so badly at that point of time. I was just hysterically spamming my brother because my boyfriend was sleeping, but he just wasn't replying until after 15min. 

After our debrief was done, I sat outside to wait for Becky because she had other things to do before accompanying me to get my stuff for my blazer. Used that time to tell spencer what happened. Of course I was emotional as hell. Shawn came out of the studio and just decided to sit infront of me and randomly ask me how was I. So we ended up talking for awhile and I can't believe I just broke down?! Just like that?! What.... Omg I can't believe myself. But half the time Edwin and him were having weird conversations that I couldn't understand. Edwin why are you so weird.... LOL your fans must really love you for your weirdness.. 

Yeah just felt really alone. Even when I was with Becky I felt like she just didn't wanna listen to my shit anymore especially because it was just about the same few people that has also given her shitloads of problems in the past. 

I'm so drained of emotions since Sunday... It's been 3 days already. Somebody give me a break. All of you. Well Spencer's awesome retarded video kinda really made me smile for that few seconds~~ .Thanks a lot really. 

I wish for a better month... A better week.. A better day.. 

What's your aspiration in life? 

To be happy.

My eyes hurting a lot. Been so long since I cried sooooo much in a night. It's so puffy and like it just hurts when I touch. Don't wish to say what happened.

Just wanna ask myself.. Why am I such a negative person? Why did I grow up to be such a person? It's been so long since I was happy over something.. Besides baby's existence in my life, nothing else makes me happy anymore. Why is it so hard to be happy? 

Everytime I think back about my life I just don't know why I'm even here. I remembered how horrible my childhood was. Yeah I lived luxurious life compared to other kids but you never know who goes on in the house. You never know how at 7 years old you were expected to get full marks for all 3 subjects or else your dad will sit beside you with a cane. You had no idea how it felt like when your mother choose to believe the Indonesian maid more than her own daughter. You will never know how I lived in fear because they always threatened me that if I ever did something wrong again, they'd pack my things and throw me out or lock me in the girl's home if I was naughty. At 14 she almost called the girl's home to lock me up because she thought I was out of control. They made me go cantonment to get scolded by the policeman for no freaking reason. I was never ever part of the gang. How does it feel like to score a median of 60-70 marks for Math and still afraid to show your papers to your parents, in fear of the damn fucking cane. Because to them 60-70 marks weren't an average score.

Why did she make me go through social anxiety? Why did she have to transfer me out of my primary school just because I was accused of something I didn't do? Why did she have to transfer me again when i'm done settling down and I was left with a year in primary school? Does she not know how it sucks to be so young and scared and have no one beside you? Going to school everyday just always having this "New girl" written all over my face. Happened in primary school, happened in secondary school. Just because I mixed with the wrong group of friends you transferred me to a new environment. You made me live in torture for 4 months straight. Everybody judging me. Everybody thinking why this new girl have no place to go. I hate being labelled as the new girl. I hate always having to make new friends. I hated it.

Why do I have to live this way? I just want to have a new life.

Do you realised, that I've not been spending money on good food anymore? Not drinking Starbucks or coffee bean that much anymore? Not going on shopping sprees in the longest time ever? Not asking you for extra money for anything unless I really have no money? I haven't gone out in the longest time. I've already sacrificed so many things. 

I've told you way in advance about the graduation trip. Obviously I'm asking you to fork out first because I wouldn't have a job straight after I graduate! Even if I save its not enough to freaking go anywhere! Are you my mother or are you a stranger? If you want to do this then okay I'm just asking for a loan. Why can't you loan me first? Why are you fucking comparing me to your fucking generation again? Fuck -_- Sometimez I really wish I had to fucking guts to leave the god damn house. Just leave. 

I never understand why I need such a big house. Such a big fucking house with NO SUBSTANCE. Without this house you can afford so many more things in life. Don't tell me you no money okay fuck. No money still can go manicure and do hair every week. No money. No money still can think of buying a new car. Stupid or what?  

This is the thing with people who have money. They're selfish and stingy. What's with the people with no money? They're so willing to give all of them to people who're important to them and leave nothing for themselves... I just don't understand this. Why can't god be fair. If I had the kind of money my parents had, I wouldn't have moved out of our 7 room flat. I would have had the luxury to still buy clothes and shit. & I would still have enough to even donate to the people in need. 

And then you ask me why I feel like a stranger in this house. Because of this. I know it's only right to give a certain amount of your salary to your parents. You know what's one of the worst pet peeves? WHEN SOMEONE FORCES ME TO DO SOMETHING. or make it sound like its a MUST to do or else one of my legs will drop. Oh really? Becuz the more you do that the more I wanna go against you. 

Everytime I hear my mother talk to me about money she just sounds like a damn money monster to me. "In your first few years of your marriage life you guys will only think of the money because you are in debt. Why do you think couples will fight? Because of money. Why because of money? Because maybe he smoke too much. Because maybe you spend too much on clothes or good food." Er please. The only reason why you and your husband will keep fighting is because you're one uptight dramatic woman.

I just really don't like the way she talk to me. Sometimes I just ask simple questions only because I'm curious or I don't understand. She will give me answers like "Why you talk as if you never go school one?" FUCK IS THAT NECESSARY? And then you blame me for always not speaking up or asking questions? WHAT KIND OF UNNECESSARY ANSWER IS THAT.

I'm so fucking annoyed this week I swear. I will never treat my kid this way. Never. In. My. Life. I will never cane my kids(NEVER EVER.) I will never threaten my kids. I will never fucking treat my kid like a fucking stranger.

I just cannot understand her okay. I just cannot!!!!!! I wish I can record everything she say everytime and then put it in a file. Everytime she contradict herself at least I got prove that she really did. She's the most contradictory woman ever man seriously. 

Current mood: Missing baby like crazy again

Woke up at 8ish in the morning automatically and didn't even felt tired. Definitely didn't have a good sleep but I couldn't fell back to sleep? Oh man.. 

The morning passed by so slowly today and I'm just over here thinking how great it'd be if baby was beside me.. I want another staycation with baby... I miss waking up and seeing him beside me.. This time I can enjoy because I don't have to worry if there's school the next day.. But when will it be though.. Aw man :( 

I've just been looking back at the past few months and reminiscing how it all started and all. Everytime I think back of all the silly times it just really brings a smile to my face. I guess this makes me miss him even more but it also gives me a reminder to how much I love him and to put aside bad memories (though when I think about it even bad memories are quite funny now LOL) 

Hahahah it's funny how I've never imagined my life as a 20 year old to be like this. Things really are so unexpected sometimes.

I'm so bored I even went to search up all the stupid math just to get a new flat from the HDB. There are still many years to go but just the thought of the waiting time can drive me crazy 3 freaking years.... Ok actually no la let's just count out the waiting time because we all forgot my room is kinda spacious HAHAHAHA. So let's just say 3 years... There's still 3 years. Just fast forward time already..

Today's one of those days where I didn't get to talk much to him, which kinda makes me feel like I'm sooooo far away from him. It's just this feeling. His connection was basically fucked up the entire afternoon which probably ruined his mood and also he was busy as hell. I'm just so shagged from school. My back's giving me so many problems. I just want to be a sloth right now.

Negative energy from negative people. Sometimes it's so strong it's so hard to ignore. Especially when I'm someone like a chameleon that adapts to people's freaking moods. Can't do this shit. Meh I just need my mom my boyfriend and my clique.. Seriously but none of them are near me right now. 

Hey yo been so long since I last blogged

Alright so basically April has been a tough month.. It's the last month of my year and yet it's just going by so slowly. April's been a bad month because me and baby's been constantly getting into random arguments. Though it's all settled in less than an hour but still it hurts. When I think back I really can't remember how all those arguments started... Black faces... Jealousy... But I felt like all of them could have been avoided.

Okay take him helping me to press my stupid pimples for example. There's a reason why I hate facials. But he insist to do it for me so I just gave way. Because anyway he was still doing it for my own good. But it really hurts so bad... I'm not kidding. My acne aren't like baby acne okay. Mine is cystic acne okay it's fucking painful.. And I'm a human okay i can feel the damn pain. My pain threshold is soooooooo low some more. Of course I'd scream and shout and tear even cuz the pain is unbearable.. But he on the other side, would just keep asking me to shuddap and tahan. & then he'd get angry because he think I'm angry with him because my face so unhappy. I'M UNHAPPY BECUZ ITS PAINFUL. IM UNHAPPY BECUZ I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SWOLLEN FACE FOR THE NEXT 1 WEEK.... Not becuz I'm angry he helped me squeezed my acne lol.... But he thought I was just being ungrateful hence he got mad.

Sometimes I really try very hard to ignore all arguments. I refrain. But he has to push my buttons. Sometimes to the point where I'm really sooooo speechless... Sometimes I try so hard to say what I wanna say in a nice manner. Yet sometimes he take it the wrong way.. That's why sometimes I just really don't wanna talk.

I've just been with people who cannot handle what I wanna say sometimes. And that's the reason why I just choose to shuddap. Becuz sometimes people just aren't prepared to listen to what I have to say.

I've thought it through. & When it comes to priorities, I guess I really put him first. I guess you can say you know who loves who more when it comes to the amount of sacrifices you have to give. Maybe he's a guy. & maybe it's a guy's thing to put his job as a priority. But maybe I'd appreciate it that when he's with me, he can just let go a little and not stick onto his job so much... Here I am trying to squeeze as much time as possible to be with him but his work just takes up so much of his time that even when he's not at work he's still looking at his phone. To me it's different. When I'm with him I fucking mute all my shit because that shit is fucking not important.

I also super don't like it when he ask me to decide things for him... For instance tonight. He asked me if he should book in tonight or tomorrow morning. In his mind he already knew he wanted to book in tonight. & he kept asking me knowing I'd tell him tomorrow. If that's the case then I told him just book in tonight. Obviously I'm upset cuz it means shorter time with him. To me even 30minutes makes a big difference when I'm with him. So he kept making me choose between A and B and shit. So he just said "ok i'll book in tomorrow" I truly believed it. Fuck I should've just like not believe him then maybe right now I wouldn't be so sian. Right after dinner he told me he was gonna book in tonight. I'm just like what the flying fuck man. No I just can't stand it when you made my heart think you're gonna book in tomorrow and then just switch it to tonight. I felt like he was just saying to make me happy for awhile and then crush me again. Then ok he said he still could accompany me till the usual timing then he go back camp. Guess what happened? I ended up going home more than an hour earlier. FUCKED UP HEART SO BAD. :( It's like giving me my favourite chocolate and then taking half away saying you'll give me back when you get your own bar. & then taking another half away because you just couldn't resist. Walao

Alright whatever it is it probably is just me. I'd feel better if I know he was not gonna go camp. Becuz him going to camp means not seeing him all the way till he book out. At least if I know I can see him as and when I want, I probably wouldn't be so over emotional or overly attached or like obsessed with my boyfriend. I guess this is the most vulnerable side of me... I'm too dependent on someone I love. Hais

I've opted out of the pedagogy class which means my mornings are free for the next 2 weeks. Not helping much because I still have sch till late this week cuz of my last examination presentation on the 25th which is a freaking saturday. & then all the way it's probably just rehearsals and last act production schedules already.

So much time after school ends.. I need to freaking go shopping. Freaking clear my wardrobe. Freaking slim the fuck down. Freaking wanna go on grad trips but I feel so bad if I go without baby. You know I wanna enjoy so bad. But the thought of not having baby beside me just kinda makes me damn sad. I wish I can split my body into 3.... One for my family, one for my friends and one for my boyfriend... Obviously impossible.

I wish for happier times, stress free life.... Biggest life goal right now is to have my own house with baby... Then get married at the age of 23/24 and maybe have my first child when I'm 25/26. I want my own baby!!!!! Everytime I see Yihuan, bf's sister's baby I just can't stop squealing. It's just so adorables and beautiful. Aw man when is it my turnnnnnn

My mind is full of shit.

Finally done with the last composition class of my life. I'm done with that shit and I don't care how I score. I'm just over it.

It's officially the last week of schedule school for me and yet I'm still so reactant to go for redundant classes. At least if you give me like something to reach out for I will go. But right now it's just why the fuck am I wasting my time in school. Just let me grad already.

I'm so used to spending my weekends with baby. Ever since I've been with him I've picked up the habit of waking up early. Like I wanna spend as much time with him as possible. & I'm really going crazy... Because I've been burring my weekends cuz of assessments... You know it'd be great if he could accompany me during the weekdays like he does on the weekends but on the weekends I just wanna concentrate on himmmmm and not school worrrrrrrrk oh ma gad :(

I just had to blog because ever since monday night I've been stoning and stoning and stoning. Literally wasting my life away knowing that I have so many shit to do.

I have my stupid NAC presentation that needs a lot of shit to do and I'm supposed to have a meeting with them tonight (waste my fucking time). Then I have another stupid NAC shit with another group and the presentation is next week dafak?!?!?!? I also have my hip hop choreography assessment that is yet to be completed. I have to finish by this Saturday but I'm not even done choreographing DAFAK!!!!! Ok technically there are only these 3 assessments left BUT IT'S LIKE TAKING OVER MY MIND!!!!! Plus I have other hip hop rehearsals going on cuz of my classmates and DANM THAT SHIT CUZ ITS BURNIN MY WEEKENDS AND I DO NOT LIKE

What I'm feeling now is how I'm feeling when I just transferred to bishan park. The feeling where no one else mattered except the times when I spend in my mother's room before heading to bed. I just loved the feeling of spending it with them and I just didn't want the next day to come because I fucking hated school and the new environment and me not knowing anyone there. Right now nothing else matters except that bird bird of mine. Always trying to squeeze bloody time out just for him but it's so hard.

All of us are yolo-ing like free. Fuck morning classes. Our assessments are freaking over why do you still schedule classes.... We could be using that time to finish up our other assessments rather than wasting our night time when we could be at home SLEEPING. Can't stand this shit..

Commitment? NOPE. I'M SO NOT COMMITTED TO SCHOOL.

I'M CRAY CRAY I MISS DYALN ONG YAO HUIIIIII

Reading posts from 7 months ago and I can't believe I'm still here posting about him. Heheheheheh yay I've made the right decision becuz I know this boy is gonna stay in my life foreverrrrrr <3

Alohaaaaa~

Reaching the period where I'm just rushing all my crazy assessments one after another.. But you know what???? I'M GLAD I HAVE DARLING BESIDE MEEEEE.

So Tuesday night I was rushing my world of contemp presentation with my group. Boyfriend was on leave so he came to find me after school for dinner and then waited for me to end my discussion with my group. For the first time ever I wasn't just looking at my other friends' other half waiting for them. My other half was actually waiting for me.. It just felt nice to know he's just over there. On the other hand obviously I feel bad though that he is there doing nothing and I know how much he hates doing nothing. If it was me it'd be a different story cuz I'd wait for him no matter what. At least I can see him..

The past week I've been feeling like the honeymoon phase is slowly fading away. Felt sucky every now and then because I just feel like his patience for me has shorten a lot.. I remember how before we got together he has never gotten angry at me ever. My biggest fear in a relationship is when one stops trying so hard just because one party feels like they'll love each other forever and they think the other party will just let it go... And eventually he'll get sick of me, tired of my nonsense and no longer give a shit. That's the worse shit that can ever happen to me. Like I said in my previous post somewhere that... If I don't change soon, sooner or later he'll just seriously burst and legit walk away from me. But it's just so hard.

I think I'll never be able to get my point through that I'll forever be insecure about myself. Not because of him. Now I know why people say "Before you love someone, you gotta love yourself." I don't love myself. I don't trust myself. I don't believe in myself. I believe he won't cheat on me. But I don't believe that I'm attractive enough to make him stay. I hate to see my legs. I hate to see my fat ass thighs. I can't even understand how he can see past it... I hate my bloody tummy jiggling like free. I read somewhere that you should never ever tell your boyfriend what you're insecure about yourself because then you're drawing attention to the part you don't want him to see the most. It's true....

Also... When I miss someone I really miss them like crazy. So crazy I can do crazy things. Everytime when it's time to go home, I just seriously cannot stand it. I hate the feeling of having to leave him. I hate that I'm showing it so obviously that I cannot bear to leave him. He on the other hand, always have this front where he makes me feel I'm so crazy, he's still beside me why am I being so crazy. It makes me pull back. It makes me wanna hide it all. Becuz I feel like I'm showing so much of how I'm feeling but he's showing none.. I know we have to live in the now and not the future... But it's so hard for me. The future is what makes me secure. If I know I'm seeing him the next few days I'll be alright. Won't be as bad as when I know I'm not gonna see him for the next 5 days.

But you know what... At the end of the day I know he still loves me. No matter what happens I know he's the best boyfriend ever. Everytime I hear people's stories I'm just glad my boyfriend loves me. I appreciate all the tiny things he does for me and really just being there for me. I know I've thanked him a lot and I've said sorry countless of times but that's only because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. His presence just brings joy in my soul. That's why when he leaves joy leaves me too. I know it sucks. But yeah it's hard on my part.

Today is a good day. It was indeed a good friday and also me and baby's 4th monthsary. How time just flies like crazyyyyzyzyzyy. I can't believe it really.

Why must you always show ugly faces when you're in a photo with meeeeeee

And then look so dreamily cute when you're on your ownnnnnnn huh huh huh whai whai whai hehehe <3

I love you forever my sweetie pie. No one in this world will ever replace you in my heart. I don't know why you think you're not good enough for me. You will always always be number 1 in my heart okay. Though sometimes you seriously annoying pig but i want you to annoy me for lifeeeeee hehe. You're gonna be here for the rest of my life right, baby? I LOVE HIM!!!!!