Hey yo been so long since I last blogged

Alright so basically April has been a tough month.. It's the last month of my year and yet it's just going by so slowly. April's been a bad month because me and baby's been constantly getting into random arguments. Though it's all settled in less than an hour but still it hurts. When I think back I really can't remember how all those arguments started... Black faces... Jealousy... But I felt like all of them could have been avoided.

Okay take him helping me to press my stupid pimples for example. There's a reason why I hate facials. But he insist to do it for me so I just gave way. Because anyway he was still doing it for my own good. But it really hurts so bad... I'm not kidding. My acne aren't like baby acne okay. Mine is cystic acne okay it's fucking painful.. And I'm a human okay i can feel the damn pain. My pain threshold is soooooooo low some more. Of course I'd scream and shout and tear even cuz the pain is unbearable.. But he on the other side, would just keep asking me to shuddap and tahan. & then he'd get angry because he think I'm angry with him because my face so unhappy. I'M UNHAPPY BECUZ ITS PAINFUL. IM UNHAPPY BECUZ I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SWOLLEN FACE FOR THE NEXT 1 WEEK.... Not becuz I'm angry he helped me squeezed my acne lol.... But he thought I was just being ungrateful hence he got mad.

Sometimes I really try very hard to ignore all arguments. I refrain. But he has to push my buttons. Sometimes to the point where I'm really sooooo speechless... Sometimes I try so hard to say what I wanna say in a nice manner. Yet sometimes he take it the wrong way.. That's why sometimes I just really don't wanna talk.

I've just been with people who cannot handle what I wanna say sometimes. And that's the reason why I just choose to shuddap. Becuz sometimes people just aren't prepared to listen to what I have to say.

I've thought it through. & When it comes to priorities, I guess I really put him first. I guess you can say you know who loves who more when it comes to the amount of sacrifices you have to give. Maybe he's a guy. & maybe it's a guy's thing to put his job as a priority. But maybe I'd appreciate it that when he's with me, he can just let go a little and not stick onto his job so much... Here I am trying to squeeze as much time as possible to be with him but his work just takes up so much of his time that even when he's not at work he's still looking at his phone. To me it's different. When I'm with him I fucking mute all my shit because that shit is fucking not important.

I also super don't like it when he ask me to decide things for him... For instance tonight. He asked me if he should book in tonight or tomorrow morning. In his mind he already knew he wanted to book in tonight. & he kept asking me knowing I'd tell him tomorrow. If that's the case then I told him just book in tonight. Obviously I'm upset cuz it means shorter time with him. To me even 30minutes makes a big difference when I'm with him. So he kept making me choose between A and B and shit. So he just said "ok i'll book in tomorrow" I truly believed it. Fuck I should've just like not believe him then maybe right now I wouldn't be so sian. Right after dinner he told me he was gonna book in tonight. I'm just like what the flying fuck man. No I just can't stand it when you made my heart think you're gonna book in tomorrow and then just switch it to tonight. I felt like he was just saying to make me happy for awhile and then crush me again. Then ok he said he still could accompany me till the usual timing then he go back camp. Guess what happened? I ended up going home more than an hour earlier. FUCKED UP HEART SO BAD. :( It's like giving me my favourite chocolate and then taking half away saying you'll give me back when you get your own bar. & then taking another half away because you just couldn't resist. Walao

Alright whatever it is it probably is just me. I'd feel better if I know he was not gonna go camp. Becuz him going to camp means not seeing him all the way till he book out. At least if I know I can see him as and when I want, I probably wouldn't be so over emotional or overly attached or like obsessed with my boyfriend. I guess this is the most vulnerable side of me... I'm too dependent on someone I love. Hais

I've opted out of the pedagogy class which means my mornings are free for the next 2 weeks. Not helping much because I still have sch till late this week cuz of my last examination presentation on the 25th which is a freaking saturday. & then all the way it's probably just rehearsals and last act production schedules already.

So much time after school ends.. I need to freaking go shopping. Freaking clear my wardrobe. Freaking slim the fuck down. Freaking wanna go on grad trips but I feel so bad if I go without baby. You know I wanna enjoy so bad. But the thought of not having baby beside me just kinda makes me damn sad. I wish I can split my body into 3.... One for my family, one for my friends and one for my boyfriend... Obviously impossible.

I wish for happier times, stress free life.... Biggest life goal right now is to have my own house with baby... Then get married at the age of 23/24 and maybe have my first child when I'm 25/26. I want my own baby!!!!! Everytime I see Yihuan, bf's sister's baby I just can't stop squealing. It's just so adorables and beautiful. Aw man when is it my turnnnnnn