Love-hate

Whats up people?

Went through all the lessons quite smoothly yesterday. We had lessons with a new contemporary teacher, Leah. She's gonna be our teacher for the next few months. Her first few routines were super slow and boring and i almost fell asleep doing it. Sigh was missing Susan so much... Her crunches routine and her warm ups. Bleh. Plus her music was super.... albert and melissa style. Like soundscapes and stuff. I don't even know what I was hearing. Sigh music is the main thing!!! Bad music = BAD CLASSSS. Didn't really enjoy it la honestly. 

Caught the Dikir Barat performance and some music students performance. They were awesome. Stayed back in school with Andrea and Shawn. K yesterday was just chaotic in a way. So me and Andrea were sitting on the frass alone at first. Then Shawn came to find us. We talked for a little bit, then Andrea got pulled away by Ariffin.... FOR SO LONG. Cosmas was around and so he sat down and talked to me. It was all so random and that was the first time he ever talked to me. Shawn was feeling soooo left out but I couldn't do anything :( So i gave him my ipad to use. I told Shawn that it was my first time talking to Cosmas and he didn't believe me. LOL. So yeh talked to Shawn for abit while Andrea was gone. She was back for like 5 minutes and then gone again. He was sitting down there worrying about so many god damn things. One of them was Afiq so he called Afiq to come to the frass. He came and we just sat there. 3/4 of the conversation were their school stuff so I was just basically listening. I suddenly felt so distant from Afiq. Lol he was so near yet so far. Probably stressing cuz of school or something... I don't know. Then went off after that, leaving me alone at the frass lol. When Andrea was back, Ariffin and Adi joined us. THIS ADI.... Said goodbye to us like 2hours ago and he was still at school. Pigu boy. When they left, we waited for Shawn to come back and we left too. 

Hmmm felt very choked up on the way home. I failed at one of my new year's resolution. I know I only wrote like 2 on my blog but yeah there's quite afew in my heart. One of them was to try my best to be independent. Like instead of always spilling all my problems to someone, I'll just keep it to myself and then you know.... Try and get over it. I couldn't survive. I failed so badly yesterday. Thanks Jai for lending me a listening ear. 

The fight between not wanting to go against your own principles yet not wanting to hurt the feelings of the people around you. So frustrating. So much to say yet I just don't know how. I feel so trapped. 

Almost thought of skipping ballet this morning. I woke up at freaking 7.45. Wanna know why? Cuz I freaking dreamed about ballet. -_- By the time i left the house, it was already 8.10. I don't know how I even managed to pull myself to go for ballet.  I eventually did and yeah just went through with class. Hip hop was.... hmm stressful. 

Me and Priscilla were put infront of the dance that we just learnt. It'd be understandable if we were good poppers.... Or at least does the steps well. Kkkkkk please don't get me wrong. Priscilla can pop well... I can't. I keep trying and trying and I still look so stupid... Now whoever's gonna see this dance is gonna think I'm such a stupid dancer... I even think if anyone's thinking why the fuck did Mycs put them first. I hate this. It's like sincerely jane all over again. There were so many dancers Miss Shining could pick to do the solo. But it had to be me. You had no idea how guilty I felt. I felt like I didn't deserve the solo. I ended up doing so many mistakes during rehearsals. It's the same for this. I feel like others deserve to start the dance more than me cuz I really can't pop.... Plus.... Remember the time when i said so many people laughed at me while I was trying to pop...? So conscious. Overly. Conscious. 

Yes I'm very motivated to make sure I know how to pop before I showcase this dance. But right now I'm thinking of what others are thinking of me and it kinda sucks. I feel this way because everybody's judging everybody. Everyone knows this. I can never get over this judging phrase. It's just..... fuck. 

Watched the actors rehearse Winter's tale today. It was awesome. This guy called Lian was being so funny. I just love to see his act. He's awesome~ 

Andrea and Jingwen always talk topics that I can never talk about. Size... Dance quality... Negativity.... Etc. How can I judge a person's size when my size ain't any smaller? How can I say anyone's bad at dancing when I myself is still as shitty? I feel so shitty sometimes. When they talk about such things I feel like they are talking bout me too and it sucks. While Andrea and I were walking home we were talking about versatile dancers. She actually said I was a versatile dancer and she's not really a versatile dancer and is just average in everything. WHAT? She obviously knows that I'm way lousier than her in so many ways. Didn't even know how to respond to that so I just didn't respond. 

School starts at 9.30 tomorrow!!! I'M SO HAPPY. School should start at 9.30 every single bloody day!!! Damn.... I don't mind them pushing back our lessons by 2hours really. We just need more sleep and we'll definitely be able to last throughout the day. I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time, I don't. Boohoo la don't know don't know. Think I need to go pop my body away so goodnight. 

Hmmm

Day 2 of week 4.

My day 1 was not bad at all~ Yoga was fun, ballet was bleh, rhythm ensemble was boring, animal work was BRILLIANT, and asian dance was tiring.

Ok animal work was not what i expected it to be. I expected it to be very boring and sleepy. But she did the class with awesome music and made us move to it!!! Like of course not forgetting it's animal work, we were supposed to move like cats. I got to partner people I've never partnered before!!! Like Maya, Alex and Praveena. I did it with Ezekiel too but i've did work together with him before so~~ It was so fun!!! Ezekiel was literally doing clubbing moves and when i asked him what was he doing... He told me "IT'S STROKING CATS' EARS!!!" LOL laughed the most with Ezekiel because he was laughing together with me. All my partners were all so funny and i was having so much fun but they all didn't seem very comfortable doing it LOL. ESPECIALLY ALEX OMG. He always wants to laugh but he holds it in. & in my head i'm like omg laugh with me dude dont make me look like a kuku. I hope all animal work classes are gonna be this fun... Or maybe not. Hahaha well honestly, any classes is fun when there's awesome music. That's what I always think. I enjoyed that one class of improv when music was played. Others was just boring as hellll...

I really think asian dance is put at a very wrong spot on the schedule. It's a 2hour class for the LAST CLASS on a MONDAY. I was literally marking throughout the whole lesson and even when i was marking, i was tired... (why do i feel like i've said this last week? LOL) So tiring... Jumped with joy when class ended~

Had chicken rice for dinner and went back to school with Andrea to do art history. Andrea kept getting so distracted. Crazy girl... Then I got distracted because level 1 and 2 performance kids came down to practice their dikir barat performance. I swear it looked so cool. I was so proud to be a friend of all of them. Well wait not ALL of them. Majority of them. It's just so nice to know that your friends are just that talented. Like how Andrea is so good at kpop dances and Jingwen and her scary pointey feet. I was never brought up in an environment filled with talented people. Maybe that's why i'm so talent-less lol. I didn't know anyone who acts well, didn't know anyone who sings well, didn't know anyone who dances well, until i came to Lasalle.

It's a must-watch performance!!!! Harris was being so funny too sigh. Melissa why can't you be like Harris? Mingle with your students.... Make us laugh~ Bring joy and laughter to your boring lessons...

Ok after they left the frass, me and Andrea went to search up on Winter's Tale. It's a play by Shakespeare.  Apparently, we are gonna collab with the actors for this production that's coming up in about a month's time. I found the whole play script. Since i was getting bored, i suggested we read the whole play with the very olden english accent. SO FUNNY I ALMOST DIED. It was very fun even though we couldn't understand it at all.

Left the school at about 9.30 and went home.

Didn't go for ballet today and just went for tutorial class. We were broken up into 4 groups and were supposed to come up with 2 eights of dance moves. Lol ours was bullshit cuz it was so messy. Had lunch and then went for anatomy class. Was released 20 minutes early so the stepsisters plus edem ran to the frass just to SLEEP. LOL I wasn't in the mood to sleep so I just surfed the net. Many people that I knew walked passed me and was waving and stuff. So i was thinking like.. Wow I have alot of hi-bye friends... Hi-bye friends are like..... not even friends. It's more like an acquaintance. That's kinda sad :( I wanna be friends friends, not hi bye friends. Bleh

Dance history started after that and ended soon enough. Walked to Jitterbugs for lesson. It was a not bad lesson actually~ Susan is awesome~ Woohoo 3 cheers for ya~ I was just upset that when I try to give suggestions no one listened. Most of the time it was just Andrea talking and Luvenia modifying her words here and there. My head just went like "whatever let's just get this done and over with." You know this is how I work. When I'm in a group, I do think of suggestions and stuff. I just don't like saying stuff or giving suggestions because my suggestions would most likely not be used and I hate that. Tsk.

Had dinner and then went home. Got frustrated with my computer so i tossed it aside. Checked my weight and got depressed again. & what did i do to cure the depression? EAT EVEN MORE. Fuck i really wished i had the money to go liposuction and get over with this weight shit.

Sad that I'm such a person. Always surrounded by people who are attracted by many and then there I am. SAD. LIFE. Can't I be the other person for once? Like ONCE in my life at least? I don't wanna be the person I am, invisible.. This sucks.

Lazy

Hello~ Yesterday was fun actually~ I thought my energy for the whole thing was fabulous, until i made an extremely obvious mistake. Everybody was supposed to be still but i moved. What. The. Shit. BUT! BUT!!!!!! My extremely wide smile didnt disappear and i went back to the correct position. So.... I hope the crowd forgives me :(

It ended quite fast~ Walked around aimlessly wasted time and stuff then went home. Just before me and Andrea reached Serangoon, we talked about supportive parents and stuff like that which made me pretty upset. Just thinking of how both my parents are so supportive of my brother's fish business and can't even care less about me makes me wanna cry. I always wanna go up and give them a super tight hug. But they always give me the feel like with or without my presence, it's the same. Everytime I'm upset or demoralised, the first person I think of is my mother. Does she know? Regardless of how cold her replies are, regardless of how much I dislike her replies, I still wanna tell her what's going on in my life. She's the only person that I can tolerate "K" replies and no-emotion replies. If you know me well enough you know how much i fucking hate people who type like they hate talking to me. Like I'm a pest who can't stop texting them.

I try though. I try to not think of it this way. I think of how my dad always sends me to the mrt every morning, how they try to fetch me back from the mrt every night. How they give me allowance everyday. How they even allow me to go to an arts institution and pay for my school fees. I mean they can choose to just throw me aside and let me survive right? They didn't. So i guess i should feel contented enough. I try.

Bought Hershey's chocolates last night. Yeah i said in the beginning of the year no more chocolates. But you know that's never gonna happen right... I guess once in a while is okay... I really miss eating chocolates so much.

Woke up this morning and had lunch. Played around with the new apple tv and the new large screen smart tv my parents bought. So fun~~~~ Y'all know what's a appletv right? It's this small device that you plug into your tv and you can connect your apple gadgets then it'll show on your big screen. Super HD i was just watching everything in HD. So shiok~

Today is stoning day. I really don't feel like doing anything not even art history. I didn't even wanna blog but I can't survive without writing nonsense. So yeah I'm here.

I can't tolerate people who think that I'm stupid enough to fall for their tricks or lies or whatever crap. No matter how smart you think you are, I still can see through you. Me not saying anything doesn't mean I know nothing. Just saying.

Alright I'm gonna continue stoning. Goodbye.

Rock-bottom

I woke up late yesterday. I totally ignored my alarm and continued sleeping till I received a text from Andrea. SHE ALSO WOKE UP LATE. God.. Reached school 15minutes later and was practically sleep walking throughout ballet. Soul wasn't even in class. Think I rushed too much that I left my soul at home. Hip hop was after ballet and I woke up immediately. Wow she taught us like 7 eights of choreo in one lesson. Omg Mycs I love you. I love you for training my brain to work so fast.

Went to Prata place to eat Prata and rushed back to school for art history. Ruishan's and Sufyan's presentation was superrrrr interesting!!! So many wow factors in their presentation but it was not what Dayal wanted. Sufyan kinda took info from Wikipedia even though Dayal clearly stated that Wikipedia is not to be used.

Had improv after a looooong time. God it was so boring. Melissa made us repeat the same nonsense time and time again. God so boring. We were all so tired from our schedules. Then bitchy Melissa got bitchy and started making us run around the frass like crazyass nutheads and started talking to us in a bitchy way. God can't stand her. Then had OZ rehearsal with the musical theatre students. The run was not so bad. Of course... Cuz it was polished by Tony, the person in charge of the musical theatre students. So long as Melissa doesn't polish us, we're all good. I swear.

Went walking around Bugis with Jingwen after that. Both of us fell in love with the same Adidas pants.... God no it was MEEE who saw it first and then when I showed her she went all "AWW OMG YA IT'S DAMN NICE!!! I WANT!!" LOL the guy inside the store was damn funny. When she went to try the pants, she made this sound effect and the guy copied her. HAHAHA so funny omg. While she was inside, we kinda chatted awhile. He asked me if we were dancers. I told him yeah and he asked me if our studios hold like events and stuff. so think he meant like "Danzpeople/Oschool/Studiowu kinda studios. So I told him we were kinda like from a dance school, like an arts school Lasalle. I was expecting a more normal answer but instead he corrected my sentence. LOL? He said "Oh, No you ARE from a dance school you're not KINDA from a dance school." I laughed it away and he asked if we went for competitions or not. I said maybe others did outside school cuz we aren't from any crew etc. Funny man.

Went around hunting for iPad mini covers again but to no avail :( I think I gotta wait longer. There's no iPad covers around yet!!!

Went home after that and spent an hour on art history. Since I woke up late, I decided to sleep earlier that night. So around 12.30 I stopped researching and fell asleep.

BUT I STILL WOKE UP LATE. Today was even later. By the time I finished preparing for school, it was already 9. AND IM SUPPOSED TO REACH CLASS BY 9!!! So I texted Melissa and told her I was late cuz I didn't hear my alarm. Yeah not a very good excuse but at least I was truthful and I BOTHERED TO TELL HER, NO? Her bitchy reply: Sorry but who are you? Maybe you need 2 alarms. Wtf she didn't know who is it and she's already so bitchy. Omg I could totally imagine her saying that sentence I swear.

Reached jitterbugs at like 9.20 and they already started of course. My eyes was hurting like shit because of the sucky contact lenses. Left eye was sooooo damn bloody red. Went to the toilet and Yaqi tried helping me but it didn't work. Melissa (classmate not teacher) came and she cried... Probably cuz she felt stressed and demoralized. Comforted her and then she tried helping me with my eyes too. I know she had the same problem as me before cuz she uses the same brand of contacts as me. Aw thank you Mel :)

We had to dance one by one that freaking Latin dance. So not long after I returned from the toilet, it was my turn already. I performed with one freaking sore eye and I tried so hard smiling. But Melissa was shouting like nobody's fucking business and messed up the countings in my head so I got lost halfway through. Of course i couldn't smile anymore. Omg bitch you don't need to shout. -.- Then we did an actual run with everyone inside. Omg she just couldn't stop shouting at me. "IM LOOKING AT YOU SHANETTE. SMILE. BETTER SMILE. MORE MORE MORE! BIGGER STEPS BIGGER STEPS. MORE MORE MORE!!!!! IM STILL LOOKING AT YOU!" fuck you.

She then stopped us and corrected this part where me and Jingwen leads the walking part, It's easier for Jingwen to walk faster because they are facing the direction that we're gonna walk in whereas my group is facing the back. So Melissa asked me why is there always a traffic jam there. I didn't even know what she meant like traffic jam. I didn't even bang into Jingwen what. What traffic jam is she talking about? So I asked what she meant. AND SHE REPLIED ME IN THAT BITCHY MANNER AGAIN. "IM ASKING WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A TRAFFIC JAM WHERE YOU AND JINGWEN ARE COMING TO THE FRONT. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE? IS THERE A REASON? OR YOUR FEET JUST CAN'T STEP? SO? IS THERE A REASON?" Wtf what did she want me to reply? Of course I told her there's no reason. Then she was like "OK NEXT TIME, WHEN SOMEONE CORRECTS YOU, YOU SMILE AND YOU NOD. DO IT." Tears immediately rolled down. Dance the whole run with tears all over my face. How embarrassing Renfred was there. Just behind me.

Why is she always doing this to me? It's not the first time, if you've been constantly reading my blog you should know how horrible she talks to me. And her stares. It's horrible. It's as if I've owed her something in her past life. No one will ever know how horrible it is cuz SHE NEVER BLOODY give you the I'm-gonna-kill-you stare. I'm not exaggerating at all. I wished I was but I'm not.

Couldn't take it anymore so I went to the toilet to calm myself down. Cried even more instead. I was thinking of too many things. So many things that were all cooped up. Cleared my face up and went back. But cried again because I heard Melissa's voice. I couldn't understand how she could talk to everyone else so nicely but so bitchy to me. The way she talked to Louisa, it was as if she was Louisa's friend. Melissa (classmate) was sitting there in tears too, again. Didn't know what happened. But Melissa (teacher) went to talk to her nicely about her feet. Then she came to me and told me shit that i didnt understand again. She was saying what when she was in school her teacher also did that to her. DID YOU HAD A BAD CHILDHOOD? OR HAD BAD TEENAGE MEMORIES? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I was just scared of her. I really just need her to not talk to me ok. I really don't like talking to her. Not at all. She probably thought by talking to me ill feel better but no. Just made me cry again.

So we started rehearsal again. Omg this Renfred bias or bias. He only asked Mel if she's ok. What about me!!!! Tsk not like I care. It just made me feel like gods trying to tell me that I'm really someone who repels people away. Sigh

After it ended, went to Adidas to get the pants me and Jingwen wanted. Went to the chicken rice stall and it took so long. We ended up with only 5min to gobble our food up before the next class, which was Contemp. Contemp was less than an hour long cuz we needed to watch this contact improv perform by our BA seniors. Then a lighting show by dip2 seniors and BA2 tpm seniors.

Edem and I were supposed to do art history. But idk what's wrong with him. He's just not telling me anything and not doing anything. At that point where he walked away from me when I asked him if he brought his work, I've given up on him already. Sorry I'm not like Jingwen or Andrea. If you can't help yourself I'm not gonna help you. He's not taking it seriously. He's just full of empty words. And let me tell you that's the one thing I hate the most. EMPTY WORDS. Don't say things to ENTERTAIN ME. Couldn't believe Edwin's such an idiot too. He was supposed to do art history too but he didn't feel like doing so he dragged Edem to smoke. OMG FUCK IM THE UNLUCKIEST PERSON ALIVE TO HAVE EDEM AS MY BLOODY PARTNER. PERIOD.

Right now I'm just gonna do my part of the presentation. I'm not gonna listen to his crap anymore. If he's free and really wants to do it then he tell me. If not fuck him. Ifs his fault for always disappearing and he always blames me. What the fuck? Is he even doing his work? Don't put any blame on me for no reason k.

Fell asleep after that cuz I was really drop dead tired. Woke up for the injury talk at 5.30... It was not very helpful but whatever. Went for dinner after that and went home.

My eyes are feeling so tired. How did I even survive the day sigh. I wish I have a hugging machine at home. So badly wanna hug something and never let go lol. Well this is where my bolster comes in. Hmmm but the bolster doesn't hug me back :( Ok ok anything la I'm so tired to even continue this post. Goodnight... I'm not gonna pack my bag till tomorrow cuz IM JUST THAT TIRED AND THAT LAZY. Goodnight

Roller coaster feelings

Yawwwwwz. Sigh blogging with the mobile app again...

So I had fun on Tuesday actually. Me and Melissa were the only ones on time that day!! It was pouring tremendously heavy and many overslept or got stuck on the train.. I actually overslept. Daddy came into my room and wake me up so I rushed. I reached school before the heavy storm. THANK GOD... Everyone reached at like 8.45 or later than that.

Ballet was just ... and then we had OZ rehearsal on the frass. As usual since we had no studios LOL. It was fun though cuz it was relaxing and the wind was amazing!!! Had lunch after that and theory lessons in the afternoon. Went to the library after anatomy to find books for art history. Only managed to find surrealism books for Edem. There were no books for cubism. There was not enough time to do another thorough rampage of the library so we just borrowed Edem's books and left.

Last lesson of the day was OZ rehearsal again. It was the best and most fun rehearsal ever!!! So many laughters and jokes... Susan was in-charge of polishing our routine, including Louisa too of course. But to make things faster, Renfred helped too. Susan only knows how to make us look neat. She doesn't really know Latin. Ok so after Renfred went through all the small details with us, we did another run of the full thing. Ooomg when the music stopped he came to me personally to tell me my mistake in the basic walk. So ok I got better and as I passed by him, he gave me an acknowledgement nod~ But after awhile he told the whole class about that mistake. Miss Susan was there shouting away "WHO IS IT!! It looks so retarded!!" LOL in my heart I was just screaming and shouting away cuz I knew it was me... Of course he didn't named names. THEN, NEXT MISTAKE. My "well known" t-Rex wave. I was probably marking my steps la... But ,Zune he thought I was doing full out so he imitated the t-Rex hands and made everybody laughed. Those who knew about me and t-Rex hands all laughed even louder. Welllllllz at first I felt alittle bit embarrassed because it was really me who did that mistake. LOL I just pretended it was not me and laughed together with them L...OOOO...L

Had dinner with Jingwen at a sucky place and she accompanied me to Dhoby even though Bugis was nearer and easier for her. Hahahaha how nice right right right? I went to Wisma to get. my laptop fixed. Apparently I could've reformatted the whole shit myself. I just didn't know how. Alright now my things are gonna be gone again. Stupid computer. People, never buy a Vaio ok.

Walked around town hunting for an iPad mini cover but nowhere was selling it!!! SIGH!! I'm sad :( Went home and YES my iPad arrived!!! Hehehe it was mummy's present for me and my brother. LOL that's what she said. How cute please. She even engraved my full name behind it... I asked her why and she told me its a present for both of us. In my head I went like.... SHE SHOULD'VE ENGRAVED SOMETHING SWEEEET. A SWEET MESSAGE!!! Oh wells its still awesome anyway thank you mummy!!!

Today was a not so good day. Overall I meant. Ok so OZ rehearsal was the first lesson for the day. This time we were all in our costumes and stuff. Horrible costume. Made me so uncomfortable. It was leaking HALF MY BLOODY BUTT OK. I was so fat in it I felt damn depressed. Totally reminded me of "Sincerely Jane"'s costume. At least that we wore leggings underneath. This one.... Leak here leak there leak everywhere. & everyone looked good in it. Of course the taller ones suffered abit but I was obviously the biggest in size. SO DEPRESSING. What's worse was Melissa was in charge of polishing us up. I don't like the ambience she gives to the class. Makes me so moodless.

Didn't go for viewpoints class cuz my ankle and toes were ringing like mad. I don't know how to describe the kind of pain I was feeling. Sat out of class and enjoyed looking at them having fun. It was a fun class!!! Sigh but I think my feet more important than class lol.

Contemp was replaced by OZ rehearsal. It was definitely livelier than the morning. I felt the energy from my classmates. Why? CUZ SUSAN IS THE ONE WHO'S POLISHING US! She always creates this very light and happy mood. My ankle was giving in though, sadly... I kept twisting it left and right. It was so hard to control it. Then Susan was like indirectly telling me that we all should get used to the heels so we won't struggle so much in it. I would've told her about my injury if she was more direct.. Tsk.

Research and writing was boring as hell. Almost fell asleep I swear. The showcase of the Latin item was after that. We changed into our costumes and we went up to G401 to show the VIP and musical theatre students. They made us feel like losers.... They were obviously full of energy while we're just so dead and stuff. Louisa and Renfred obviously had the same energy as them cuz they are ballroom dancers... I don't know how to say this. Yes the musical theatre students made me smile alot because they were such fun people. Made me sad too cuz it proves how lousy we were.

Very depressed. Plus my feet was hurting like fucking crap I almost couldn't stand anymore. Luvenia kept telling me to smile smile smile. I FUCKING DID. Can she please see the mood before shooting unnecessary comments? I was about to burst anytime and all she could tell me was SMILE MORE SMILE MORE. I think I smile or no smile also no difference la. In your bloody head, I'm like a sticker already. Always known as the troubled girl that doesn't fucking smile. So fucking irritated I just turned away.

Whole day was so BLEH. Changed and saw Afiq and shafiq and some of the performance students. I feel like I haven't seen Afiq in a long time LOL.... Really missed them so much ok. Oh my this Afiq spinned me like how many times I almost died. HE CARRIED ME AND SPUN ME. It was a nice feeling but i wished i was lighter :( Sigh I need to be at least 10kg lighter by the end of this year.

Went for dinner and then headed to oschool with Andrea and Jingwen~~~ Can't remember when was the last class I went... Probably like 7 months ago or something? LOL Came out of the studio feeling so happy and alive!!! Yeah it's a super easy choreo. WHATEVER IT MADE ME HAPPY. I LOVE FREDY's CLASSES!!! Nuff said!

K right now I'm back home and am supposed to be continuing with my research on cubism. So..... Cya my darlings.

Despondent

Today was awkward. Jingwen Andrea and I all wore the sprouts shirt without planning. All of us were like WTH!!! & when we told people who saw us in the same tshirt that it was unplanned, NO ONE BELIEVED US. LOL WTF damn ridiculous... Hello people you gotta believe that telepathy really do happens, especially when you mix with a certain group of people for too long~

Yoga was different today. We meditated for soooo long. I can't believe I stood still for so long. That was a first man. Ballet was so so... New barre exercises, new enchainments. Before she started center work, she kinda told the people who took the ballet exam on Saturday how it went. She said my marks improved by a LITTLE BIT. How little is her little bit? My previous grade was 10 marks away from the passing grade. 10 marks is ALOT of marks. She didn't say I passed or what. Tsk. Then she also talked about different body types. Some can dance very well, but the body is just not for dancing. Some have talented bodies, but just doesn't dance very well. As for me.... She said I have the most difficult body to deal with when it comes to Ballet. LIKE DUH even I know that. Why do you think I never ever thought of learning ballet? I know I'll never be able to do it. Felt so useless after that so my center work were all shit. Well not like I'll be any better anyways.

There was no animal work today. The teacher was absent. So everybody kinda did their own thing. Jingwen and Andrea were like in their own worlds dancing to troublemaker, as usual. Jumping around, talking so loud... Then i got reminded of what Shafiq told me the other day. "They are like the Cinderella stepsisters." HAHA come to think of it, they really match the Cinderella stepsisters... Of course they are not evil.

I never knew Jiaxuan could play the piano so well.... Even her singing is just brilliant... She's a very good actress and a very good break dancer. YES FEMALE BREAK DANCER. ON TOP OF ALL THAT.... She's super pretty and super fit :( Why do such people exist... WHY. Of course Louisa was singing as well with her top notch vocals. Being compared to people like them makes me feel like I don't belong. I'm feeling so lost. I feel like I'll get nowhere, all of a sudden. Teachers, seniors and everybody else is making me feel this way. Trying to isolate myself recently because I really don't know what to do with life. Maybe it was already a fact from the beginning. Maybe I was just blind. But then again, I chose to take the risk of being rejected. 

Passion is not everything..... Talent, body, attitude... It all counts. Hardwork yeah right. Whatever man. Look what I've gotten from Ballet? Trying every lesson... Yet to the teacher's eyes, there's no improvements. All they want is EVEN MORE EVEN MORE. Even when you deserve a slight bit of encouragement, they just push you down. I might complain a hell lot on how much ballet irks me. But in class I really do try. Still going nowhere with it. Confidence? What confidence would I be able to have when all I know is that I'm lousy and never ever good enough? 

I was feeling lazy throughout the whole Asian dance period. So tiring... :( My thighs and everything were hurting like mad. Worse thing was I didn't even do full out!!! Can you imagine if i did...? I probably wouldn't be able to wake up tomorrow morning due to extreme body aches. Went back to school for the ballroom dance rehearsal. Up till now I cannot do it well.... Ballroom dance is probably another Ballet to me.... Like I can never do the way it's supposed to be. When I was watching Louisa's dance with Renfred, I was just like HUFJVIDKLRADLJF i shouldnt be alive. 

I am honestly feeling so bullshit right now. Like I'm neither here nor there. I'm just like a aimless soul floating around. How irritating. Sorry I just can't hide my feelings. Sorry to those around me whom I may have unintentionally thrown tantrums at. I also thank you for still being patient with me. 

Sick and tired. Sick of being so lousy. Tired of being me. Will I be able to lift my head up high and be proud of something that I can do that would make people go wow? Will that day ever come? :'( Feeling so sad I don't even know how to overcome it. Try keeping tears in your eyes everyday till you reach home. It hurts. 

Cuddle weather

Aloha. 

The weekends is finally here. I'm soooooo tired. Semester 2 is bloody tiring for me sigh. 

We learnt a popping routine for hip hop on Thursday!!! So bloody cool. Yeah I don't know how to pop... Got laughed at so many times while practicing it yesterday. LOL they make me feel like I'm a clown... HAHA. Aiya but I know... It's the happy laughter not the making fun of me laughter. There's a difference. Well... Most of us don't know how to pop actually. But we still enjoyed ourselves, I'm sure!!!! I'm loving Mycs more and more after each lesson. She's so awesome. She's totally giving the very happy vibes nowadays. I really feel like I'm going for a open class. WHICH IS A GOOD THING. No stress no stress, just fun. Even if you can't get the steps (OR CAN'T POP...), JUST HAVE FUN. That's what dance is supposed to be. But ballet makes me think otherwise. All it does is makes me sad and pulls me down. Damn you. 

Mycs was telling us that she was discussing with Melissa about letting the Dip1s have our own hip hop recital. I'M SO BLOODY EXCITED!!! I can't contain my excitement I swear!!! Finally we're gonna have our own show!!!! Finally we're gonna REALLY perform on a REAL stage. Sigh you know how long I've been waiting for this day? The last time I performed on a real stage was.... bloody SYF... I'm so excited!!!! I really hope Melissa be kind to us and go according to what Mycs has planned for us. 

Spent Friday night with Afiq and Shafiq. It's been so long since we spent time with them. Reaaaally long. Spent the whole night dancing away. I felt happy. Geniunely did cuz I was dancing freely. But after awhile I got TERRIBLE tummyache. So i couldnt even move. Just stood there and watched them learn the choreo choreographed by Afiq's friend, Ridwan~ Reached home at almost 12. Slept immediately after bathing.

So reluctant to pull myself out of bed this morning. The weather was sooooo good to sleep in. I still had to though. Ballet exam was this morning. Well.... I thought it went better than the first ballet exam. But halfway through, freaking seniors sat outside and JUDGED us. Bloody hell. They even told Edem that they think none of us will pass cuz THEY don't feel the ballet feel in us. WHAT? Who are you guys? Our teachers? Who are you to judge us? Just cuz you're our seniors? LOL please I'm sure there's something WE can do that you CAN'T. Gawd so ashamed to have them as my seniors. Worse seniors ever. No wonder we can't click with them. So high and mighty for what? If you're that good then why even come to school? Drop your ego please.

Waited in school for the rain to stop. It didn't stop at all. So i called dad. Thank god my family was nearby so they could pick me up for lunch. I was so tired I couldn't even talk. Had lunch and went back home. Tried fixing my computer but to no avail. Sigh. Vaio I officially dislike you. I'm never gonna get another Sony notebook ever again. 

See the 3 dancers dancing~

& then there's us. One cheering and one....... having tummyache. LOL

 

FYI: The first few pictures were taken by an iPhone 5. & the last 4 photos were taken by a 4s.. BIG DIFFERENCE IN QUALITY BABY. 

So drained. Art history presentation coming up in 2 weeks, right after CNY holidays.... Asian dance presentation in 3weeks... Ballroom performance next Saturday. Deyi Sec performance on the first week of Feb... I need March to hurry arrive!!! February is gonna be a sucky month SUCKY MONTH!!! 

Tired

Hello guys. You have no idea how much I hate blogging with my phone but I can't NOT blog so I'm here. Stupid notebook I hate you for always dying on me.

Alright. So the past two days have been.... TIRING? On tues, we had like 2 movement classes in the morning. Basically ballet and OZ rehearsals... Stupid heels made the balls of my feet hurt like crap... :( Plus it was eating into my toe skin because my feet is so wide. Then we had theory lessons in the afternoon. I'm so interested in this sem's Anatomy lessons!!!! It's gonna be interesting I can feel it!! Dance history was just bleh and TPM.... I don't even need to mention anything about it.

Went to Astons for dinner and sat at the frass to slack after that. Shawn came to join us awhile later. SIGH HE IS SUCH A CUTIE I SWEAR TO GOD. He's so serious in everything you can hardly find a guy like him I swear. It's so funny and he doesn't even know he's funny. The way he nagged at Rif... Couldn't contain my laughter. Best part was he kept emphasizing that he was feeling abit tipsy. LOL!!! His tipsy self is actually very cute. Torally brighten up my dull night~

Today.... The Latin shoes really ate my skin and gave me a freaking painful blister on my big toe. Up till now I really cannot have the feel for Latin. Maybe in the beginning when my feet is not aching, a little bit... But once my feet starts to cry, I can't have performance mood on anymoreee. Viewpoints was not so bad. Time flew by quite fast. Contemp was..... hmmmm idk. I think the new routines looked very nice... But I don't know how to do it Susan's style. She's too advanced for me sigh. Worst part is..... I'm so excited to learn from her but she's always giving me the "shanette how many years have you been dancing and why are you still so lousy" look. I don't know how to say la. When you talk to a person one to one, you can feel this very intense feeling from the person... Melissa does that to me everytime and right now I'm afraid of her lol. Wait Elizibeth too. SIGH MY LIFE!!!!!

I kinda know that its for my own good that they keep picking on me.... But..... I don't know what they are thinking.... Like are they testing my patience? Trying to chase me out of lasalle? Its not that i dont wanna think on the bright side... But what bright side can you think of? They are trying to make me the best? They have this certain expectation of me and they think I can do it? Why me? Right?

Elizebeth probably really dislikes me but she just doesn't show it. Edem hasn't been showing up for ballet for so many times last semester. He didnt even really knew his ballet enchainments. & he never ever took ballet seriously. Guess what? He actually scored 2 marks higher than me. Yeah it's just 2 marks. IT'S STILL HIGHER THAN ME. I'm definite his discipline is worse than mine since he has skipped so many lessons. So what is Elizebeth trying to say? She told me I had a tortured look during ballet exam. WHAT SMILE CAN I PUT ON MY FACE? She has NEVER ever encouraged me in ANY bloody way and I was NEVER EVER a very confident girl. How can I smile knowing that I can't do this shit well and Susan's just there looking and judging like nobody's business? Omg she irritates me so much. I really always try so hard for fucking ballet. and she always says it's not enough. Lol. Ballet is just, OMG fuck off

Research and writing was not that bad just now. Got stuck in the lecture room for 2 hours straight. Slept through the first hour and the other hour, I was being so entertained by Irfan's and Jingwen's conversations. They were so funny!!!!! Totally couldn't stop laughing at all sigh~~~

Went to Kungfu Paradise for dinner and walked around Bugis Junction. Saw this extremely cute pink Polaroid.... So bloody pretty and so bloody expensive. Took a photo and sent into to my mom with the caption "Love at first sight". She replied me with the price and I said yeah it was that expensive because its a limited edition color. Then she shocked me by saying that she'd get for me!!!!!!! WTFFFFF I WANT!!!! It's about time to change my lousy old Polaroid cammy already!!!!

Went home after that. Kinda dreading tomorrow cuz I'm gonna be stuck in that stupid lecture room for 4.5 freaking hours, STRAIGHT. Bloody hell.... But I'm excited for hip hop though!!!!! Wonder what she'll be doing ooOOOOoooo~~~

It's just Monday

LIFE WITHOUT A COMPUTER SUCKS!!!! Sigh my bloody computer broke down again. I should just throw this shit away. It's only been 1 over year and it has already broken down twice. ENOUGH.

Yoga was alright today. Sweated so much!!!! SOOOO much. Ballet was..... disappointing as usual. I felt like I did better than the other 3 people who are gonna retake the exam with me. BUT THIS BLOODY TEACHER..... She doesn't even give me any encouraging pointers. All she does is point out all my mistakes. Felt so hopeless and useless. At that moment I was wishing I had someone to tell me I'm not useless and hopeless. Lol. Just a tight hug and some comforting words will do.

K so had fruits for lunch. Animal work and rhythm ensemble was sleepy. Couldn't stand how the classes were going. So happy when we were released from animal work. Headed to Jitterbugs for asian dance lesson. Gigi was late for like 30minutes! Sigh the indonesian dance that we're learning this semester is so much harder than last sem's and Gigi said it was easier. YA KIDDING ME????? I'm so gonna ache so much tomorrow.

Today is so intense.  I felt like I sweated so much. There's gonna be so much more of these kind of days... Contemp is now 2 days per week. Oh man I don't wanna talk about it, so stressed.

Went home after dinner. Gawd I actually told Andrea one of my darkest secrets on the way home. I was so embarrassed at myself. Didn't even know why I told her actually. It just came out so naturally. LOL.... All because she said one word that was related to what i told her. No one, REALLY NO ONE AT ALL, knows this secret of mine. I've sworn to god to never let it out but i still did omfg. AND THEN.... She also told me something that I wouldn't have expected.. So we're balanced it's ok :B hehehe.

Oh my way home i freaking bumped into Josef. Oh my holy god of god. I was listening to my music..... happily. & saw this half naked guy that I didn't recognise from far. When he came closer I realised it was Josef. My immediate reaction was to not let him see my face. LOLLLLLL the things I did in the past just to bump into him.... Sigh so embarrassing... & now we just keep bumping into each other coincidentally. Hmmmmm trying to play punk with me. WHY IS HE SO HANDSOME WHYYYYYY.

There's nothing to look forward to at school!!! I'm feeling so bleh right now!!! I'm just very haunted by ballet exam and freaking art history presentation right now. Once Feb 14 is over, I'll heave a sigh of relief. OH NO WAIT. I need to add another presentation, which is asian dance.... Due on the 25th Feb. SIGH FUCK FEBRUARY SUCKS!!! Need to get it over and done with!!! Can March hurry come please?!? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE. I'm not even asking for a valentine date cuz I know it's a gone case. I'm just asking for time to fly away. FAST.

Actually this whole sem for me will be tough.. There's research and writing essay due by the end of this sem too.... Animal work assessment was given out today and it seemed so hard!!!! & I can't fail this sem's ballet or else the risk of me getting kicked out of the school might just get higher!!! NUUUUUUU SOMEBODY SAVE ME T_T

-

“Notice me,” I whisper as I continue to make no attempts to communicate with you.

(Everyone's guilty of this.)

 

Alright.... So the thought of school tomorrow just turns me off.. Like.... :( Boo.   

Halfway through animal work and I feel like i'm doing it wrongly.. :(

 

Feeling so sad right now cuz i feel so neglected by my family. I was so pissed during dinner because they just made me feel like I'm not there at all. The males were just arguing in public like nobody's business and I just couldn't take it anymore i walked away from them. I kept asking them about animals. But they kept ignoring me. Fuck? I think I'm really born into this world to be neglected by people. Everyone just loves to decide to NOT HEAR me. Think I've said this too much. I just feel sad that everytime I'm sad I dont know who to turn to but myself. Always feeling like a burden. Always feeling like nobody wants to talk to me. Sigh.  

 

I had a nice dream yesterday again. I dreamt of..... Something that might never ever happen. I kinda believe in the fact that what you dream will only happen the opposite in real life, which kinda sucks... Cuz 8 out of 10 dreams of mine are good dreams... Sigh my life.

End of Open house

Open house was amazing today. The crowd was awesome~ Yay so many people watched our "flashmob" today.

We went to school 2 hours earlier than call time today. We practiced the hiphop routine and then had our own free time. So Ruishan and co were like dancing to this routine that they created (i think). So i told her to teach us~ Hehee it was so fun <3 Yay Ruishan's awesome~

After the flashmob, I kinda forgot how the song goes. I couldnt even remember the title of the song. So i asked Andrea. I knew it started with F so I just anyhow guessed random words that started with F. Then this girl.... She told me the real title (which by the way... I've forgotten again) in such a rude manner as if I asked for the sake of asking. She was like "Fossicles?! (This is one of the word i guessed) Wth..." Dude if I knew the title why would I ask? Then of course I got mad and just walked away. Then she went to tell Joey about it, probably thinking I didnt know -_-... K can i don't know.

After the showcase we went to find Afiq. Then Harris was there too then he came out and gave us this leftover oreo that he didn't want anymore. Jingwen and Andrea didn't want it so i ate it. Woah after that tummyache like mad. Gawd..... Did he.... Poison it? LOL... We went to the toilet then went back to find Afiq to hug him goodbye. Andrea told me they were gonna have some class outing so no point waiting for them.

So this guy whom I've always found quite attractive was staring at me when i was walking out. I didn't know why cuz I didn't know him even though I see him everywhere in campus. So i turned back to look cuz i felt like someone was looking at me. Then he smiled at me HA LOL almost died his smile was so -FAINTS- attractive!!!!! Omg first time everrrrr. He usually just walks away or wouldnt notice my existence loool.. He's like someone whom I won't be able to be friends with cuz we don't even have any collabs or classes together... Mehhhh.

Omg when I hugged Luvenia goodbye, she lifted me up like i weighed super light omg~ First time ever feeling like that HAHAHAHA.... Usually I'm very scared of people lifting me. I didn't really know why I even let that happen. BUT IT DID AND I FELT SO LIGHT. Strong Luvenia!!!!!!

Now I'm home and I'm kinda sad Open House is over.... It's back to.... Normal lesson days... & I'm gonna have my ballet re-exam next Saturday... :( Sighzzz holidays I mizz chuzzz

 

 

 

 

This meow.... Photobomb us... LOL

 

Horrible ------------ Good day

No wonder I was feeling so moody yesterday night. I was probably PMS-ing. Omg that was really the worst PMS i've ever had....

So..... My stomach was so bloody pain this morning that i had to run to the toilet right before I decided to leave the house. DAMN. I just HAD to be late on Open House day. I must be kidding. I knew I was gonna be late but I thought Melissa would forgive me because i had a bloody valid excuse. But NO. She bloody spoilt my mood even further. I woke up this morning, didn't even felt any better from yesterday's moodiness. THEN SHE MADE IT EVEN WORSE BY TELLING THE LATE ONES THAT WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PERFORM? Ya serious woman?

I went into the dance studio, panting like mad and she told the late ones to sit infront. I was observing what she was doing and she was somehow reblocking the people who weren't late. So i turned to Luvenia, who was late too, and asked "Wtf is she doing? Is she reblocking?!" She replied "Dont know... I guess so." Then after observing further, i realised she was closing up the gaps. Like the gaps that were meant for the late people. So i asked Luvenia "FUCK so we're not performing?! -fucking pissed face-" & she gave me a nonchalant reply "I dont know." Right after i asked her, that Melissa told us we're not performing today BLA BLA BLA. Totally spoilt my mood so much. I knew there was no use saying how sad i was to Luvenia cuz she was so cool and didn't give a single shit about me. So i started complaining to my mother and started sobbing. I didn't even dare to cry because the rest who were late gave me the impression that they were disappointed but not to the extent that they'd cry. Wtf make me feel like i'm such a drama queen. Sorry i don't control my tears. So pissed off. Can't she take my reason as an excuse? I didn't know I would have stomachache RIGHT BEFORE i wanted to leave the house right? So what she want me to shit in my pants issit?

 

Sat alone during the breaks she gave us because I wasn't even any bloody mood to say anything. I just kept thinking of how i can escape from the studio. Then there was the full run. She did it with the whole group inside first, which apparently she said it's for tomorrow's open house because we can't perform today -_- So we did it. I did it half heartedly. I really couldn't find the mood to dance at all. After we performed, she told the late ones that we can perform because we took the punishment WELL. Wtf well? Then what were we supposed to do? Go on a protest meh? So dumb. Obviously she didn't want the blocking to look stupid infront of the people who comes for the open house what. Cuz even though she reblocked, the gaps were still obvious. Dumbass can't stand people who can't come up with good excuses that OTHERS wouldn't be able to say anything about it. I mean if you wanna lie you gotta lie properly right? Tsk.

But whatever the case, mood changed 360degrees because I got to perform. Whole day went not bad. We did this flashmob in the middle of the frass performance. Omg we were supposed to do it before the long Jazz band. They took like 20-30minutes stage time!!! & CHASED AWAY THE CROWD.... Because it was just instrumental. Nothing much to look at. So when it was our turn.... We had very little crowd. Boooo.

 

After the dance showcase, we went off to find Afiq and Shafiq. Well.... they were kinda busy so we went back to change and take our things. Then we went back to the cube to find them again. But Harris was there so Andrea didn't dare to go in. LOL Andrea and Harris got some kuku issues that would probably not go away for a long time. HAHA. So they came out and talk to us along with Daniel~ He looks so nice with his blonde hair hehe.

 

Went for dinner with Andrea at Pastamania. That was our first meal FOR THE DAY. Haha we're goddesses.

 

I can't wait for the Open House tomorrow. I wish there were more people though... :( Come on Art lovers... Visit Lasalle!!!! You just need to keep walking straight from Bugis street!!! That's the easiest way to come!! It's from 11am - 5pm!!! If you register tomorrow you don't need to pay for interview/audition fees leh!!! It's freaking $60 if you don't come on an open house day... You won't wanna waste that opportunity :B & It's the last day tomorrow so YOU GOTTA COME~~~ We're gonna flashmob again tomorrow. Kinda stupid to tell the world about it but.... NEED TO PROMOTE ABIT AH. Hehehe come see the flashmob at about 1-ish or see the dancers perform at 3pm!!! OUR DEGREE SENIORS ARE AWESOME YOU WONT WANNA MISS IT HAHAHA.

 

COME~~~~~~~~

Sad face

Gawd... Was watching my show halfway but i couldnt take it anymore because i wasnt even concentrating at all. So i decided to blog.

Why are we so..... PATHETIC? Why are we only given a day to practice for something that we're gonna be publicly judged for? THIS SUCKS. I know whining and complaining about it doesn't make a difference at all but I just.... don't get it.

Open house is tomorrow. & she only gave us today and tomorrow morning to practice. Mycs just added an ending for the second combined choreo that she taught us. I'm lost because the counting is so hard to get. She also just did blocking for this choreo TODAY. This is Melissa doing this to us? Like i don't get it. She made us do freaking ballroom rehearsals everyday this week when we could've just started next week and concentrate on open house this week. Omg woman you've got your priorities all wrong.

Yes it's a short performance. BUT IT'S STILL A PERFORMANCE. How many times must we throw our faces because of the lack of time to practice? Omg Lasalle is the only place i feel so stressed over performances due to lack of preparation. You know what's the lucky thing? We somehow always manage to pull it off quite well. THATS LIKE THANK THE FUCKING LORD OK. I don't even know how we always manage to do it. Especially Bajidor kahot that horrible dance that i never ever wanna do it again in my entire life.

Omg today was just not a good day overall. Like I kinda enjoyed hip hop lesson cuz Mycs was being so awesome~ & Harris' talk about architechture which i thought was very interesting.. Other than that it was just bullshit. Wanted to tell my mother what a bad day I had in school but then everytime i started talking she'd get distracted and talk about something else. Fuck la make me so mad.

Went to physio today to get my ankle checked. I thought today was the last session but no.... -__- I told her i didn't feel pain in my ankle anymore. She told it was abit swollen but since I never feel anything so maybe it's because I just started school so my feet's not used to it yet. Then I told her my right calve was making me walk like a crippled person. So she helped me massage AND I ALMOST DIED. IT HURT SO MUCH!!!! I really felt like my calves had so many bruises. T_T She kinda made it better a little bit but now it's back to square 1. BLAH... She was surprised at why only one side was hurt and the other side was fine. I didn't know how to answer because since Yoga lesson, it was already like that. It just got worse.... She also told me maybe because I was too conscious of my ankle so I depend on my right leg more. IDK????? I really don't.. Lol  

Sigh tired. Not feeling good and I don't like. I don't even know the reason. I'm lost lol.

School resumes

Hello hello my kawaii readers. I'm back after a 4 day hiatus MUAHAHA. Ok there was nothing to blog about so I didnt.

 

Alright so Friday was not bad Saturday was not bad Sunday was not bad too. HAHA Went to watch Taxi taxi with my family and spent the whole Saturday night watching a new drama. I mean it's not new new but I started it so it's new to me. :B Couldn't sleep on Sunday night. I thought I could!!! But i couldn't... I was kinda excited for school.... Maybe that's why i couldn't sleep? LUL I don't know~ But i really was.....  

UNTIL SCHOOL STARTED AND NOW I'M LIKE DREADING IT. Fyi ballet hasnt even started. Imagine how zombie-ish i'll be when ballet starts, WHICH IS TOMORROW.

 

The first thing Andrea and Afiq said to me when i saw them at the train station was that I slimmed down. WHAT? Reached school and saw Shafiq the drama boy he said i became SMALL. That word doesn't suit me at all unless you're like comparing me with some tall buff dude... It's so weird because I was wearing the most uncomfortable black top that I ever own. I don't know how to say but it's the kind of top that would make you look bigger size than your normal size cuz of the cutting. So i was shocked that they could even say I slimmed down.

 

Andrea bought us alot of suff and i kinda feel guilty. BUT..... I didn't really buy anything for myself either... Like there was nothing nice to shop in Taiwan. Lol ikr. Wrong season that's why i didn't buy anything.

 

We have this slot for OZ day. Apparently we're doing some ballroom dance routine for Australia Day. Louisa was our teacher. It was kinda interesting at first but then it got kinda boring towards the end. Maybe cuz my attention span very short la.... & it's so awkward for me cuz i'm so fat and bulky and ...... wtf which latin dancer is fat and bulky? Lucky I'm not with a partner or else I'll really make a fool of myself. I almost got chosen to be Edem's partner. They were like comparing me and Yaqi's height. Then they said Yaqi was taller (she told me she was 165cm so we're the same actually!) so they picked her. LOL THANK THE LORD. I can't wait for this event to end.

 

I hate how we're always made to buy our own costumes and stuff. IT'S NOT CHEAP MAN. I can't believe we're gonna buy a stupid Latin shoe and costume which is so ex just for one performance. Argh. Can't they like pay for us!? We pay school fees! -.-

 

I should leave that aside for now cuz it's bothering me so much.

 

Ok so when we were walking back to school yesterday after OZ rehearsal at jitterbugs, this surveyor stopped us and asked us to do a one question survey (wth LOL). So he asked for our names first. I spelt my name out like i usually would and after that, he looked at the name for like a second and complimented that it was a nice name. He asked for Jingwen's name next and her reply was "Jingwen. IS IT A NICE NAME TOO?" LOL WTF THIS GIRL!!!!! Then he asked for our numbers so I gave mine too and he gave me a O_O look because my number look so fake... Like there were alot of repetitive numbers inside. Ok la so idk what we were saying then he somehow said something nice to me again then Jingwen went like "Why you always compliment her never compliment us one?!" LOL WTF X2 MAN!!!! Laughing like shit at her thick thick skin.

 

Been trying to control my food intake for the past 2 days. Not exactly working very well cuz I'm with Jingwen all the time... So funny this girl. She's the one who said "Guys. I've decided to go on a diet." That's right after yoga lesson. Wa after that she ate the most food. LOL. BUT!!!! Today was not that bad. I didn't had a big appetite so I didn't eat lunch. (wait i ate 2 pieces of bread hmmmm) Haven't checked my weight for 2 days I'm kinda scared. 'LAST SEEN' was 2 kgs lesser than the last post I posted. So like in total.... 5kg lost. In number yeah 5kg. Of course it's not that obvious on my body. It's ok I just i want my previous weight back. Fuggggg 5kg more to go before CNY!!!! I have 3 weeks!!! It's kinda stupid to slim down for CNY because I'll still eat anyway during CNY right???That's what you guys think HAHAHA. I actually don't eat alot during cny. Yeah we eat those goodies but that's it. So it's considered a meal :B Just, unhealthy. & I CONTROL!!! Good job shanny. Then when you slim down before cny, you can look better in your dresses what right right right? Hahahaha.

 

Today we fell asleep flat on the frass again. All 6 of us, Me Andrea Jingwen Sonia Luvenia and Lavanya. I bet it was a very hilarious picture of the dancers to sleep on the frass. Especially me Jingwen and Andrea. I think we're the well-known frass sleepers already. Like if you see 3 girls sleeping super soundly on the frass, then it's probably us LOL. I don't get how i can sleep so well on the frass man!!! I like totally neglect the fact that there's actually people walking in and out staring at us.  

 

School ended at 6.30 and I was so happy school ended but then the fiqs ditched us. Their excuse was they didn't know where we were. They are kinda incontactable too cuz idk what happened to Shafiq's sim card and Afiq just doesn't has a phone. He contacts us like through whatsapp but idk what happen to his whatsapp now so he can only imessage. I told Andrea to imessage afiq to find out where were they and the next second, i recieved an unknown imessage sent by an email. If i didn't read the message I really would've thought it was an advert or something.... LOL the email looked too weird. so many dashes and dots!! I was shocked he texted me, the same reaction like how i suddenly recieved a call from Shafiq. Lol wouldn't i be the last choice to text? Well that's usually the case.

 

So we went separate ways and had dinner with Andrea. Hahaha funny girllll~ Love you girl.

 

I can't wait to go Australia!! I wanna go!!! I kinda think going Australia during winter is a stupid choice made.. Then i wouldnt see any cute boys half naked walking along the beach right?!?!?! How dare my mother. I still remember when i went to gold coast, it was during their school break too and i was living near a chalet filled with students. HOMAIGAWD i see tall hot-bodied angmohs walking everywhere half naked. Like even on the streets man cuz it's so near the beach.

 

AIYA YOU SEE YOU SEE....School only started like TWO GOD DAMN DAYS and i'm thinking about the summer break already. (Going a winter country on a summer break ha ha) NUUUUUU BAD SHANNY I NEED TO FIND MOTIVATION. Blaaaaaahhhh I can't believe Melissa is concentrating so much on OZ rehearsal more than the upcoming open house.... WE'RE GONNA THROW OUR FACES!!!! Fug we're just so horrible DON'T SHE ALREADY KNOW THAT??? Should she give us more time to freaking practice it!!! She only gave us ONE practice slot and it is like ONE DAY before open house. Wa seriously... Sometimes you cannot blame us for being lousy la really. You see.... It's not an individual performance. It's a group performance and my class has the lousiest chemistry EVER. So even if we practice by ourselves it's no use cuz it'd still be messy when formation is put in. Spacial awareness and all that shit. Wa sigh life sucks.

 

Alright I think i've rambled enough. See you soon xx

Forever haunting me... Weight issues

Hello babies. Do you miss me? Yeah i miss me too. Sigh I've been terribly sick for the past 3 days. Yes including New year's eve and day. I really got a fever. Couldn't eat properly, my taste buds were just everywhere, making good food all taste like shit. Kept wanting to vomit everytime i eat. Hid under my blanket for the past 3 days and I really slept like the whole day. How scary... I think out of 24hours, I'm awake for like less than 10 hours. Well, today i'm feeling better. I can walk around and everything. It's just that my headache can't leave me alone!!! Right now as i'm typing this, i feel like somebody's using a hammer to hit my head. BOOHOO.

Alright I'm very depressed over my weight right now. Ok I don't really know if it's fats or muscles. I kinda think it's fats because.... These few months I've been eating so fucking much I can't even believe myself. I've been drinking fizzy drinks and eating so much chocolates and other unhealthy snacks... Of course so much fast food too. FUCK MY LIFE I CAN'T CARRY ON THIS KIND OF LIFESTYLE. Too unhealthy. Then I keep looking at myself in the mirror, I don't see that I've put on SOOOO much weight?! I can't even tell?! Sigh I can't believe some people even said I slimmed down. YOUR EYE COCK SIA. Wtf.. Sigh i really think I have that fatty genes inside me. I gain weight TOOOO fast. I kinda lose the excess weight quite fast too BUT STILL THE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT I GAINED IS JUST TOO SCARY.

Yes after seeing my horrible weight, I've decided to lose it all before CNY. Don't ask me how but I've lost like 3kg ever since 2 days ago. Lol but then it's currently not going down anymore AND I'M SUFFERING TO SEE THAT HORRIBLE WEIGHT ON THE WEIGHING MACHINE. Fuck no more chocolates no more snacking no more fatty food no more fast food. JUST NO MORE. I gotta see that weight lost by cny or else I'm just gonna cry like a baby i swear :( Yes i can do it. I did it last time and I'm gonna do it again. FIGHTING!!!!

School's gonna start in... 3 days!!! Lasalle's Open House is in 7 days!!! I'm so excited for school somehow. I don't even know why. Maybe cuz I can finally be active and not be a sloth at home. According to my timetable, I don't have ballet for the first 2 days. So many OZ rehearsals. I don't even know what's that. I can't believe we only got ONE lesson of hiphop to polish our routines for OPEN HOUSE. We're screwed. I'm just scared and we're just horrible dancers and we just keep spoiling Lasalle's name. Sucks to be us. :(

Sigh alright I shall end my post right here.... Need to lose all that excess weight need to need to need to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year! It's 2013!

Spent my new year's eve with Jai watching The werewolf boy. Tears kept flowing like mad... Such a touching show sobs. I wouldnt mind watching it again honestly. Anyone wants to watch again? HEHEHE.

 

Right now I'm sick. Like I'm nearly getting a fever soon. Sucks to have a fever on the last day of 2012. Alright here goes my long long post for new year's.

 

2012 has been a rather… lazy year for me. I spent more than half of this year slacking my life away. Well no matter what it was still well spent.

I started off the year with a bad O level result. Cried like mad and didn’t know where to go. The courses I wanted weren’t the ones that I was interested in. Even though I’ve thought of going Lasalle since many years ago… Even though I’ve researched about it and stuff… In my head, the chances of me getting into an arts school was definitely less than 50%. Thankfully Andrea(Er) asked me to go to the open house which I knew about but didn’t know who to go with. So yeap. I got an audition date and it was in March. Roamed around earth for the next 3 months thinking I’d enter NYP. Yes even though there was an audition date, I still thought that I wouldn’t be accepted.

I loved my days before poly started for my clique. Randomly planning outings.. Randomly going to the beach for a cycle.. All those randomness. I can never forget the time where me and Jai skipped Bio remedial just to see MBLAQ at the airport for that 10seconds. We were just drawing nonsense on our bio notes and books and ended up planning a date on seeing our idols... HAHAHA how hardworking right? Those nights where Liqian stayed over my place and we did nothing but slack even though we were supposed to study cuz it was so close to eoys. How me and Charlotte got to know each other because of my PSP and DJ max~ How Yvonne and I got close because of BOYS (LOL). The last few weeks before O's where we'd always go to Liqian's house to squeeze every single detail we've missed for the past 4 years into our brainless heads. Liqian the goddess who knows almost anything...  

 

I just really miss hanging out with y’all… I can’t believe we barely have time for each other right now because of the packed schedule and stuff. I’m really sad that school is about to start. Because it’ll be a long time till we can meet up as and when we want again. & I didn’t even see Yvonne more than once since she reached Singapore because most of the time our schedules clash.. Right now there’s only one more month left and she’ll be gone again for god knows how long. Boohoo

When poly started, I became alone. Yea I got to know Aglin, the girl whom I met at Lasalle Audition. I had no idea we could click so well. I kinda planned it out actually. I didn’t wanna start out my Lasalle year all alone so since I already had her number, why not meet up and know each other more during the long break till school start right? LOL. So because we spent a lot of time together, even worked in the same place for awhile, we bonded well. I miss her a lot honestly… I know she’ll not be in Singapore next year anymore for the next few years. Hope I’ll be able to see her one last time before she take flight to Australia to pursue her future.

 

My working days were awesome until Xuejun left. Yes that person claims she scolds me every day. She’d say things like “This girl. Crazy one. People scold her she still so happy.” Cuz I know she doesn’t really scold me. She cares and doesn’t show it out. I get judged by her every day, but without her work was so boring. Having to face Christopher’s male PMS every alternate day… I couldn’t stand it. Every day after work I’d accompany her to the train and take a longer route so she could tell me her “life” stories. LOL always having so much stories to tell. She’s kinda like the first person I ever fought with. I can never forget that day. It wasn’t my fault at all. She was probably having a bad day and I probably did something that SHE doesn’t like so we got into a fight. We didn’t went home together that day. Didn’t talk to each other at all. Of course I got angry too cuz I’ve already been tolerating her nonsense. I wouldn’t know how to solve our fight so thank god she kinda broke the awkwardness the next day and everything became normal.

I can never forget that on my birthday, Kelvyn and Chris had no idea it was my birthday. They only knew that it was my first day of orientation so they kinda wished me goodluck. LOL. After my orientation, I got a birthday message from Kelvyn. He found out from facebook. HAHA his message was so funny. So cute <3 Then on the next day, he gave me dagger eyes cuz I didn’t tell him it was my birthday. LOL DUDE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY IT??? “OI TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!” Crazy… Then Christopher walked into the shop. Kel asked “You know what day it was yesterday? –dagger eyes at me again-“ Chris didn’t know. Kel told him it was my birthday and he was shocked too. HAHAHA… Then the NEXT DAY….. Kel bought me this mini birthday cake from TCC. Aw how sweet. Where do you get so much love from your boss you tell me? Chris came into the shop just to sing a birthday song for me. HAHAA LAUGHING JUST THINKING OF IT. Kel: EH where is your suitor? Aiya should’ve invited him too so he can sing you birthday song!” LOL!!!! Omg remember honey green tea guy? Yes Kel was talking about him. Haha aw memories. I remember on the last day of work, Kel even bought me a dessert because the weather was so hot. THANK GOD FOR THE DESSERT OR ELSE I WOULD’VE BEEN SO MAD AT HIM. Cuz he almost caused me to the late for orientation. When he reached back the shop I gave him dagger eyes and he said “AIYA BUY DESSERT FOR YOU MA!” Kukuz….

Not forgetting Kevin too… The person who’d always reggae in front of me and start dancing Sistar’s Alone. The person who let me watched live “gay porn” on webcam……. (wtf) The person who’s FOREVER BITCHY!!!!!! How can I forget right? Haha!
 

So school started after that. I was upset because orientation wasn’t fun for me. It was tough and I knew no one. Aglin was not going to Lasalle because she had a very bad injury on her thighs that needed more than half a year to fully recover. I see people start to bond around already but I just couldn’t fit in. Felt so sad. I even texted Andrea on the first day of orientation because I only knew her (somewhat). But she didn’t reply me and she didn’t come for the whole of first week of orientation. So I thought she pulled out of the programme too.

When I saw her walk in on the 6^th day of orientation, THERE WERE LITERALLY LIGHT IN MY EYES. It took me like 10 seconds to recall who she was at first. I really couldn’t remember. I was like WHY THIS GIRL SO FAMILIAR LOOKING. THEN BOOM IT’S ANDREA. Haha she gave me the aura like I could click with her very well. TURNS OUT IT’S TRUE (uh huh uh huh)

First week of school weren’t so good because yeah I just didn’t like it. Kinda had abit of a culture shock because everybody felt so family. In secondary school I wouldn’t hug everybody that I see. But in Lasalle, it’s just so normal and stuff. So yeah after awhile I’ve gotten used to it. School started to be alright because there’s Andrea! As long as Andrea’s around, I’m safe. I was very dependent on her. Cuz yeah she’s my only friend at that point of time. Right now still the same though.. HAHA.

Ok then came along Afiq and Shafiq. Well the changes that I see along the way.. The things we do for them. Wow those are things that I’ve never done for any friend. Really. Yet sometimes I feel like they don’t appreciate it as much as I thought they would. Well guys are still guys. It’s ok we accept it.

We had some friend issues too. I’ve never had such problems in a loooooong time. I thought of clique VII and my other close friends… We never had such problems. Even if we did we’d solve it on the spot. Gawd you have no idea how much I abhor drama. They were just creating loads of drama by themselves and there I was, trying to leave myself out of it as much as possible.
 

Went through Sem1 with my 4 butterflies Jingwen Andrea Afiq and Shafiq. Wouldn’t say it was a smooth journey. Had loads of demoralizing moments. Many unnecessary dramas. Of course we had great memories too. Like those sleepovers… Those days where we stayed back in school to stretch and talked about our first impressions and other random stuff.

I didn’t really do well for sem1. I know it, considering the fact that I failed one of the most important subjects, ballet… It’s alright. I still have sem2 to go. I need to do well. I have to. I can’t let unnecessary drama get in the way. GOTTA BE PROMOTED. I HAVE TO. Right now I’m very motivated. I need to keep motivating myself throughout the year.

Overall, 2012 made me experience many things I’ve never experienced before. I’m thankful for the memories made and also thankful for the bad memories that happened. Of course it has made me an even stronger person. I kinda know what kind of people there are out there and I can be even more careful in the future. I really hope I achieve more things in 2013 and get closer to my dream. I hope more miracles happen to me in 2013. Lesser dramas and learn to think of myself more.

I have many people I would love to give dedications to. But I think I'll take forever because there's just too many of them. So i'll just choose one person that I really wanna say something to.

 

I feel like I've neglected Jazreel alot. What i love about her is that even though we only get to meet up afw times each year, our friendship is still as strong. She's still the same Jazreel that I know. Yes I might not be updated of her daily life.. But at least I know she's still my friend and we're still so close inspite of meeting up so little. She has definitely done more things for me than I've done for her. In the past, I used to push her away because of how little faith I had in friendships. Things have changed. All the sweet nothings you've done in the past, I still remember it and the memories... I'll always treasure it. Love you bunny~ <3

 

Of course my family has also been part of my neglectance for this entire year. I've been working, studying, hanging out with friends... Barely even have any time for my parents. Yes sometimes they piss me off so much... All those fish talks I wished they didn't even started. But they are still my parents. If I flashback all the things that they've done for me, I don't think i have the right to be angry at them. So yeah daddy mummy I love you. & Spencer.

 

Yay I'm gonna end off this post with 2 new year resolutions:

1. To make sure i get closer to my dream.

2. To be a more cheerful less stressed person.....

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!!