Went through all the lessons quite smoothly yesterday. We had lessons with a new contemporary teacher, Leah. She's gonna be our teacher for the next few months. Her first few routines were super slow and boring and i almost fell asleep doing it. Sigh was missing Susan so much... Her crunches routine and her warm ups. Bleh. Plus her music was super.... albert and melissa style. Like soundscapes and stuff. I don't even know what I was hearing. Sigh music is the main thing!!! Bad music = BAD CLASSSS. Didn't really enjoy it la honestly.
Caught the Dikir Barat performance and some music students performance. They were awesome. Stayed back in school with Andrea and Shawn. K yesterday was just chaotic in a way. So me and Andrea were sitting on the frass alone at first. Then Shawn came to find us. We talked for a little bit, then Andrea got pulled away by Ariffin.... FOR SO LONG. Cosmas was around and so he sat down and talked to me. It was all so random and that was the first time he ever talked to me. Shawn was feeling soooo left out but I couldn't do anything :( So i gave him my ipad to use. I told Shawn that it was my first time talking to Cosmas and he didn't believe me. LOL. So yeh talked to Shawn for abit while Andrea was gone. She was back for like 5 minutes and then gone again. He was sitting down there worrying about so many god damn things. One of them was Afiq so he called Afiq to come to the frass. He came and we just sat there. 3/4 of the conversation were their school stuff so I was just basically listening. I suddenly felt so distant from Afiq. Lol he was so near yet so far. Probably stressing cuz of school or something... I don't know. Then went off after that, leaving me alone at the frass lol. When Andrea was back, Ariffin and Adi joined us. THIS ADI.... Said goodbye to us like 2hours ago and he was still at school. Pigu boy. When they left, we waited for Shawn to come back and we left too.
Hmmm felt very choked up on the way home. I failed at one of my new year's resolution. I know I only wrote like 2 on my blog but yeah there's quite afew in my heart. One of them was to try my best to be independent. Like instead of always spilling all my problems to someone, I'll just keep it to myself and then you know.... Try and get over it. I couldn't survive. I failed so badly yesterday. Thanks Jai for lending me a listening ear.
The fight between not wanting to go against your own principles yet not wanting to hurt the feelings of the people around you. So frustrating. So much to say yet I just don't know how. I feel so trapped.
Almost thought of skipping ballet this morning. I woke up at freaking 7.45. Wanna know why? Cuz I freaking dreamed about ballet. -_- By the time i left the house, it was already 8.10. I don't know how I even managed to pull myself to go for ballet. I eventually did and yeah just went through with class. Hip hop was.... hmm stressful.
Me and Priscilla were put infront of the dance that we just learnt. It'd be understandable if we were good poppers.... Or at least does the steps well. Kkkkkk please don't get me wrong. Priscilla can pop well... I can't. I keep trying and trying and I still look so stupid... Now whoever's gonna see this dance is gonna think I'm such a stupid dancer... I even think if anyone's thinking why the fuck did Mycs put them first. I hate this. It's like sincerely jane all over again. There were so many dancers Miss Shining could pick to do the solo. But it had to be me. You had no idea how guilty I felt. I felt like I didn't deserve the solo. I ended up doing so many mistakes during rehearsals. It's the same for this. I feel like others deserve to start the dance more than me cuz I really can't pop.... Plus.... Remember the time when i said so many people laughed at me while I was trying to pop...? So conscious. Overly. Conscious.
Yes I'm very motivated to make sure I know how to pop before I showcase this dance. But right now I'm thinking of what others are thinking of me and it kinda sucks. I feel this way because everybody's judging everybody. Everyone knows this. I can never get over this judging phrase. It's just..... fuck.
Watched the actors rehearse Winter's tale today. It was awesome. This guy called Lian was being so funny. I just love to see his act. He's awesome~
Andrea and Jingwen always talk topics that I can never talk about. Size... Dance quality... Negativity.... Etc. How can I judge a person's size when my size ain't any smaller? How can I say anyone's bad at dancing when I myself is still as shitty? I feel so shitty sometimes. When they talk about such things I feel like they are talking bout me too and it sucks. While Andrea and I were walking home we were talking about versatile dancers. She actually said I was a versatile dancer and she's not really a versatile dancer and is just average in everything. WHAT? She obviously knows that I'm way lousier than her in so many ways. Didn't even know how to respond to that so I just didn't respond.
School starts at 9.30 tomorrow!!! I'M SO HAPPY. School should start at 9.30 every single bloody day!!! Damn.... I don't mind them pushing back our lessons by 2hours really. We just need more sleep and we'll definitely be able to last throughout the day. I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time, I don't. Boohoo la don't know don't know. Think I need to go pop my body away so goodnight.
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