Happy Chinese New Year

Hey guys. Happy chinese new year from the Tan family :)

It's the start of a long weekend. Alright no it has already started since yesterday. I had no school yesterday. It was my stoned day though I had reunion dinner at night.

I feel so empty. It's not a matter of how long I've known him. Or how long I've felt this way. There's just a certain special feeling that I can't seem to explain. Why do i feel even worse since yesterday even though I have so many distractions going on? It's like the more people I talk to, the more I feel like no one else is like him and I just want to know him more than anything else in the world. This is crazy..... What the hell is my heart doing to me?! :'( I felt like I was given a chance but the chance was somewhat taken away from me? How can that even happen? I wish there was a way to turn back time. Or maybe just freeze time. I just want to go back to December. Just let me :'(

I try so hard to act like nothing's wrong, only to be picked on by my ballet teacher like crazy on Wednesday. Gah I cannot. Hiding my feelings is so not my forte. When am I gonna stop getting affected by this....? :'( I feel like shit every now and then. I don't even know how I can stop feeling like this. Drowning myself in alcohol doesn't help. Sleeping early every night doesn't help. Talking to my friends doesn't help. Laughing at stupid things doesn't help either. Because at the end of the day thoughts still return to that one person. AM I RETARDED OH MY FUCKING GOD I can't believe myself. I really can't

I wish for a miracle to happen. Add me back in your life. Restart.

My weekend was happening. I love impromptu outings. They are the best.

Met Jaz at 8ish for dinner. I was craving for 4fingers so bad so we went there. Did some catching up with her and then we went to walk around to kill time. We were only going to meet Geraldine at 10.30pm. So I bought more food and then stood somewhere to talk.

At 10 we took the train to Newton and we freaking waited for Geraldine for more than an hour. Why? Because Edwin suddenly wanted to follow along. & he is just really well known for being crazy late. When we reached the Thai Disco it was already past 11.30.  Geraldine told me there was a thai performer that resembled Yonghwa. Ok la he doesn't really look like Yonghwa. He looks more cutesy than badass. His piercings made him look a lil Yonghwa-ish... Hahaha whatever it is I really thought he was damn cute but sadly he's like a lil awkward compared to his group members. After they performed they came to our table and play games with us but he didn't :( Boohoo. The music was awesome. It was the music that made me so high. We finished up the already opened bottle of Martell and we opened another bottle. I didn't get drunk but I definitely got high.

I can't believe I bumped into one of my ex 'best friends'. At first I really didn't recognise her because I was just having fun talking to this butch that was obviously flirting with all of us (SHE WAS SO CUTE HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS). Suddenly she come and then introduce herself and asked for my name. I knew she knew me. I kept trying to pretend I don't know her but she kept on saying I looked familiar. Bla bla bla then because of she and her group of friends there was a little conflict la but it was settled. Tsk after 6 years she's still the same... Well.. Singapore is really too mafaking small. I can't believe I bumped into her.

Went home at 5plus.. Jaz stayed over. Just washed my face, talked a lil and knocked out. She kept asking me to stfu that bij. Hahahaha I love how we're so comfortable with each other. <3 We just slept with undies and bra-less. I mean I do that everyday but when a friend stays over I obviously cannot do that what. But with Jaz it's different. A sister from another mother. No matter how seldom we meet we still have so many things to talk about. Never once with ANY awkward tension. Muacks I love that fatty

Really can't wait to party with you again. HURRY ASK ME OUT HAHAHA.

Great company, great night.

We slept at almost 6 and I woke up at almost 10. Only 4 freaking hours of sleep. What the hell. But I wasn't feeling headache or lightheaded or anything. We woke up, bathed and went to Jaz's workplace for breakfast/lunch. So delicious. Satisfying~~~ Then we just walked around aimlessly because the weather was really good. I was so stoned as the time passed. At around 2 I really just too tired already. All i wanted to do was sleep. The moment I reach home I just KO-ed. Till 5-ish.. Went to dinner with family and yeah that's basically the end of my weekend.  

I need more nights like this to forget about my fucked up school life. I'm so annoyed that there's school tomorrow. Argh fucked up. Nevermind I can do this. 3 days only THREEEEEE. 1 albert class to survive through. I CAN DO THIS!!!!! 

Finally the weekends

I survived this one heck of a torturing week.

I self-proclaimed Wednesday a holiday.. Well actually I was gonna go and just sit in for class. But then halfway through I got convinced not to go so I didn't. I went to eat breakfast instead HAHA. Then I went to the frass and slacked with Andrea because she didn't go for morning class either. We were so secretive. Like though the frass was such an exposed place but we still attempted to hide from any teachers or seniors. Then because the frass was just simply too comfortable, we ended up skipping ballet too... HAHAHAHA. So we only went for the theory classes in the afternoon. After that was actually the dramaturgy showing. But Edem couldn't dance so my group didn't perform. So technically I didn't even move the whole day. LOL BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY NOT GOOD LA. Cuz I was aching so freaking bad from Albert's Tuesday lesson.... Not dancing actually makes the ache even worse...

Albert's lessons were just killas.... I really gave up on life on his Thursday lesson. Ok no I pushed myself so much I just gave up on life. Yeah. So many times I fell on the damn floor because I was so tired and my quads were seriously too pain. Plus I wasn't even recovered from Tuesday's lesson. Because my quads couldn't take it anymore, my knee gave in. So yes my bloody right knee is in crazy pain right now but not as pain as last year during my dip show. & I fell flat on the floor because of Jingwen's SWEAT. Oh my god this girl. For the whole class I was trying so hard to avoid her sweat patches on the floor. But WHY I SO UNLUCKY her sweat patches were always so near me. There was this combination that had 2 handstands with the beating of the leg. I slipped and fell on the second handstand. The pain hit my ribcage so bad I couldn't even stand up and move for like 5 seconds. This girl.... Can she wear more clothings so the floor wouldn't be so wet with her sweat?! LOL She only wore a leotard and her sweat wa.... -no comments really-

I realised Albert's comments are no longer making me feel depressed or what anymore. I feel like it is more like a wake up call already. He is really realistic. He even said it himself. The comment he give me is no longer a by-pass comment kinda thing already. Every alternate lesson he never fail to say that I'll never ever succeed when I graduate. He always say I'm not made to dance ballet/contemp (which i actually kinda true I really think i'm not made for these 2 genres AT ALL). He said he knows I have a passion for it and all but I'm just not suited for it. Of course he mentioned my size again #WHATSNEW but yeah it's also a fact la. He said it so clearly on Thursday. I really felt like it was true. Tsk he told me in the middle of the class and I was like "fuck my life yeah it's so true I don't even know what I'm doing here."

So tired. I really don't know what I want in life. I am not giving up. I really am not. I just feel very strongly that I'm not where I am supposed to be. I don't aspire to be a contemporary dancer at all. What am I doing learning so in dept and detailed about contemporary dance?

All these people opting out of Albert makes me want to opt out too. But finishing his classes give me this sense of accomplishment that I have never ever felt for any other classes. I always look forward to surviving his class and feeling good after that because if I survive his class, other classes are just nothing. That's how I get through my week. I can safely tell other people now, "You think your class is hard? You've not had a taste of Albert's class." When i say class I don't even mean his basic class ok. I mean his 1.5 hour intermediate contemporary class ok, when he actually teaches long combinations and make you die like crazy.

Yup back to not knowing what I want to do in life. I'm so super tired of looking at people improve like crazy and I'm still where I am. I have no motivation or whatsoever and that's really sad for myself. Miss Melissa said from next week onwards we're gonna have hip hop lessons every Thursday just to brush up our hip hop technique. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN SHE SAID THAT. A pity Mycs left really sigh....... She told us to never compare her to the new teacher (which is her colleague XT) but yeah Mycs no one can replace you in our hearts :'( But you know what? ONE HIP HOP CLASS IS BETTER THAN NO HIP HOP CLASS. I don't even care who the teacher is. I know XT's basics are good so I know our class is in safe hands :) His choreography style might not be our style but yeah basics good enough~~~~ Thursday is a fucking killer day now because there's Albert, Melissa's ballet (killer too) and Yenny's Jazz (KILLER TOO FREAKING BODYCON) AND NOW HIP HOP. So freaking tiring. I hope I can survive man.

Next important thing in my life.... THAT PERSON.

During the start of the week I was like "AIM OF THE WEEK IS TO NEVER EVER BUMP INTO HIM." So yeah for the whole of Monday I didn't see him, UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY. Omg ok this was what happened. It was 8ish in the night and my dramaturgy group had to stay back because we haven't completed our choreography. So they were at the 4th floor bridge. Andrea and I went up. I was so like "shit i want to bump into him but NO i told myself already cannot bump into him" So apparently he wasn't at G401 even though we went to peep inside the studio. I was about to go to the bridge when all of a sudden he appeared at another bridge. He's so easy to spot when he wears his red cap oh my god. So yeah he came to say hi but it was so sincere I almost wanted to just strangle myself. I walked away thinking I shouldn't have said hi I should've just walked away. Maybe I wouldn't felt so horrible.

Throughout the whole rehearsal I couldn't even concentrate. I felt so horrible.... So many thoughts running through my mind like WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME OH MY GOD AREN'T WE FRIENDS. I keep telling myself that you know. Like wtf OK if he wanted to ignore the fact that we were kinda close in the past then ok AT LEAST DON'T IGNORE ME UNTIL LIKE THAT RIGHT. You guys might think I'm paranoid but no. Because right now I feel like Andrea has more friendship closeness than I have with him. That's how bad it is. He has decided to block me out completely. You think I'm assuming? No. On tuesday he saw me on the bridge and he gave me the tap tap hug. Whatever with that but he didn't even let me say finish my sentence. & he was the one who started the conversation. He just walked away without even hearing what I wanted to say. He didn't even looked at me when he talked. It was as if he was talking to the wall. Immediately after that when we were walking to Jitterbugs, we bumped into them. What luck sia. Omg -_- He walked past me and only acknowledged Andrea's presence. WOW. Oh wow so now I've really became a transparent wall. I really have nothing to say anymore.

After Tuesday I really don't wanna acknowledge his presence anymore. I saw him on Wed too. I ignored. That was my first successful day where I never even said hi to him. He probably saw me on Thurs after school but I didn't so yeah happy for you you've treated me like a transparent wall again. Friday, today, was my most obvious sigh of not acknowledging his presence. Before I even stepped into school, I knew his class was sitting on the frass. I didn't know how I knew that but I just knew. When I continued walking I took a less-than-a-sec glance and I spotted his red cap again. Fml I didn't wanna look their way. Didn't wanna say hi. Didn't wanna feel like shit again. So i just walked even though I felt so bloody uncomfortable because I know they were looking. Thank god I had my pink dolphin. I just gulped the whole thing down.

I don't know. Right now I feel like I rather not see him at all and let myself think that "ha I never see him so nothing can happen." than to see him and let him make me feel like shit. I don't even know why is he so obviously avoiding me. Nevermind your wish is granted.

A part of me knows he will talk to me soon. I don't know how soon is soon but I know he will. & another part of me knows this whole bullshit is just one sided. From what he told Andrea, I already know all these while he has just been...... confused and maybe even playing with me. I hate this. I feel so judged by him. Judged for having feelings for him. & he say he doesn't judge me?!??!!!? OH MY GOD. Someone give me a knife right now. Whatever he told Andrea, I should've been the one to say that. You are the one who doesn't know me. You don't even try. I obviously try too hard to know you. & you obviously try too hard to block me out. I have definitely said this in a post months ago. I've never ever wanted you to know I had any feelings for you. Never. That was never my intention at all. Because I know I don't know you well enough. I was just interested in you. I wanted to know you more before anything. You just wouldn't let me get close. & then all of a sudden you jump into a whole new level of closeness that even I didn't ask for?!?!? I wasn't even intending to tell anyone not even my 2 closest friends in school because YEAH I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY STUPID HEART. Yes I told one of my classmates but that was only because I really needed to tell someone. Stupid of me to trust her because even though she promised she wouldn't tell you, she still did. Up till now I still don't know if what she did was a right thing or not. All i know is that I can no longer trust her with this secret. Because now the whole world knows and my life sucks. All my fault argh.

You have no idea how confused I was when you suddenly became so close. I didn't know why you did it. Because no matter how ungirly I am, I still am a girl and I still have my own intuition. I know for a fact that you were never attracted to me. All these while you've just been making me so fucking confused with your actions and your words. Like you're so freaking contradicting. And bringing me on so many roller coaster rides I don't even know what's going on now. Like what? Are you seriously putting a pause on this friendship?! Friendship can pause one ah?! Why can't you just let things go naturally and let us know each other?!?!?! I don't freaking understand. Who gives a shit if you have no time. You think I have?!

Then again any normal girl would've just let go and walk away. I don't even know why I'm harping on it so much. Erm errm maybe because I think there's still hope? I don't even know where I see the hope coming from but yeah. Feelings are so fucked up. I hate that it's so easy for you. But yup that's because maybe there wasn't really anything to begin with. All these were just happening in my head. Maybe blaming it on self-delusion would be a good closure to this.

"And just like that, you were gone. Silence slipped between us, creating a bitterness on my tongue. I started to feel guilty for trying to speak to you, as if my voice were a nuisance in your busy life. Days turned into months. I kept trying to keep us alive, crying out for attention, desperately seeking affection despite your apathy."

Wheeeeee

Sudden change of mood. I think I haven't posted 2 posts in a day in SOOOOO long.

Okay so I was on youtube looking at random videos and I came across this profile filled with this particular person's vlogs. It was so funny and stupid it made my day!!!! Alright maybe because I know this person in real life that's why it was just funny and weird at the same time to see him on video..

After laughing at his stupidity, all of a sudden I was so hyper and all… So I went to switch on the radio and apparently the songs playing were so upbeat so YEAH it made me even more hyper. Danced around my room and tried coming up with steps for my "solo" for the stupid dramaturgy project. Can't wait for week 8 to be over. I was counting down to the number of weeks and days left to summer break. It's actually quite fast!!!!! HAHAHA I kept psycho-ing myself. I didn't count weekends (even though there might be days where i'll go back to sch during weekends but whatever). It's actually very fast!!!! I can't wait la for all this shit to be over!!!

After awhile the radio were playing songs that made me thought of the past. HAHA funny moments from the past.. Like "Starships". I remembered how Astons was always so noisy and Rif always couldn't hear the music that was playing there but I could from time to time. & then he would stupidly just stay quiet to try and hear the music EVEN THOUGH him keeping quiet wouldn't even help because the whole place was still noisy what!! LOL how I miss those Astons days.. Hahahaha everyday when I ask where we should eat, he and Shawn never failed to say "Astons". Oh god so we kept eating Astons Astons and more Astons. And then and then! Everyone who knows me knows I always groove to any music I hear anywhere. As long as I know the music and it's upbeat, I'll definitely bob my head to the music. It's like a very natural thing to me and I don't even notice it sometimes. Then this boy he was walking beside me and was bobbing his head to the music suddenly and then he said "All dancers liddat one ah?" He really look like kukubird I can't stand it LOLOLOL

Of course there are so much more retarded moments but I'm not gonna name it out. Omg recalling all these funny moments make me laugh so bad. I'd randomly laugh at Shawn's stupid moments too HAHAHAHA oh god those were the days. I can't believe it's been like so many months ago. This is so crazy.

I've decided already. Since I'm already in this happy mood ah, I make sure I stay like this for the rest of the week. If i get upset ah, I can only get upset cuz of school and nothing else. Of course it's gonna be hard as hell cuz I might just accidentally bump into him (or maybe not since I'm gonna try anymore lol) I'm just gonna think of funny moments to keep my week going!!!! All the way till summer break!!!! I can do it la I can I can!!! Everything's gonna be so much better when everybody is free from school. I can't wait for school to be over!!!!!

Almost is never enough

Time for me to talk feelings all over again. I really need to say this out because I cannot think about anything else other than this and it irks me SO FUCKING BAD. I have so much work piling up. So may deadlines to meet. I hate that I'm so inefficient. I hate that my priorities are all wrong. But I don't feel guilty about it. Because right now, school is really on the bottom of my list. I stress out, I blank out. I give up. Ok jk I haven't gave up yet but seriously on the edge of giving up. Seriously guys the past 2 weeks of school hasn't been treating me well. I love dancing but at the same time I really think I'm on the wrong path. So many fucking rubbish thoughts going through my head every single day. I feel so out of place now. I try to psycho myself everyday that everyone is going through the same shit as me and I have to persevere. But nothing is really pushing me forward.

All the dramatic shit in school is also pissing me off. It's affecting me so fucking much I don't even know how is it even possible. I too, would run away from all of this. Because it's all so unnecessary. All this shit because of one person who doesn't know how to back off. But running away doesn't solve problems when it comes to this one person. & If I were the person who could resolve all these, I would really just settle it once and for all regardless of how timid or coward I am.

I'm actually thankful Andrea told me what she thought I should know. The truth always hurts but I really rather know what's going on and be hurt than to know nothing at all. I actually wanted to know more but I didn't wanna seem so eager. I mean I should've known considering how he have been treating me lately. I really think it would be easier on my part if it stopped there; the last good morning message I told myself that I'd ever send like a month ago. If it stopped there I probably wouldn't feel this way. Argh wtf la you know what!? I really just don't understand his actions. I just wish he could stop distancing himself from me. I wish he would acknowledge my presence when he sees me. He don't want me to be sad? Yet he's doing this?

Did he really think me saying that I'll always be there when something's bothering him were all lies?!?!?! I don't like hearing things from people. "He's feeling stressed over this and that and this and that." I thought he'd tell me. But no. No one made any promise. Because we all know none of the things you say were ever gonna come true. I told you before. "To almost date someone is to go back on a promise no one had to keep, because it was a promise no one made."

But I guess no matter how I feel I still gotta accept it. No matter what I say it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day I'm still the one losing out.

"We existed in the strange in-between of the possible and the probable. It was in the unsaid, in the expected, in the logical next steps.

When you almost date someone, it’s not because you’re only doing things by halves. Everything depends on the build and the anticipation in that gray area of maybe. Maybe you’re shy about how you feel. Maybe you hold back there, but that’s human nature, isn’t it? We want to protect our hearts. We’re afraid of handing them over too readily and too soon. And so we take our time. But in that hesitation, something can fall through.

The signs are all there. Everyone sees them. You do not mistake a common laugh for a laugh that is just for you, and don’t confuse friendship for feeling special because for a brief and fleeting and glorious moment, you are. To almost date isn’t to misinterpret someone’s intentions. They did like you, they do like you. But the fact that you’re right is little consolation when it doesn’t pull through.

But when you almost date someone, something will give. Somehow the ends don’t meet. Either they meet someone new while you’re biding your time, or they move, or they just disappear. It’s easier to do than you think, between no longer answering calls and disappearing from Facebook and finding a new coffee shop. You may never know quite why, and you will be left wondering what else you could have done, how you could have been more, what you did wrong.

The truth is, though, that chances are you didn’t do anything wrong. Chances are you weren’t wrong. Chances are you were fine just as you are, and you know this deep down. It’s just easier to blame yourself, to create closure and sew the wound shut rather than letting it heal on its own. People won’t understand, and will smile sympathetically and say they really thought it would happen, too, and at least you weren’t official. As if a title would make it hurt more, as if because you were only hedging on your hope, you shouldn’t have been hurt. You were trying not to put your heart on the line. You were protecting it by taking things so slowly. And in that hesitation, you became a sitting duck.

To almost date someone is to bet on a sure thing and to walk away with nothing.

To almost date someone is to take that risk, and to dedicate yourself to something that might not pan out. Because lots of things don’t."

- ThoughtCatalog

A fool like me would definitely wait even if I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if not giving up on you is a right choice. I don't even care if this is one sided anymore. Because maybe all along it has always been. & I was just too blind to see it. Maybe it was all in my head.

Hope all these dies down. 3 months 2 weeks left to the summer break. Hurry up. I am already giving up on school. Call me a weakling, call me a loser. WHATEVER I'm a hopeless case. Maybe it's just for now. Right now I really can't seem to concentrate in anything that I do. If you give me a month to just rot maybe I'll get back. But for now I just really can't think. I'm just going through everyday with so much in my head and i'm just soulless. This strong feeling of me repeating year 2 is so strong and that is obviously not helping. OMG DID I MENTION HOW MUCH THAT BIASED PIECE OF FUCKING CONTEMPORARY TEACHER FROM LAST SEMESTER GRADED ME!!!??!

16/100. FUCKING 16 MARKS. I think I've never ever EVER scored so low in ANYTHING before. Too much. This bitch is too much. I really don't wanna work with her anymore. Fucking grade me so low. Bitch omg. Please ah TOO MUCH!!!!!!!! I see the paper I also wanna tear. Her comments also not even adequate enough to give me so little marks. I am so angry with this stupid piece of shitty teacher. WHATEVER I GIVE YOU NEGATIVE 100 FOR BEING SUCH A BIASED TEACHER. Argh.

I wasn't even in the right condition for school to start, emotionally, physically and mentally.

We had it but we lost it.

Another week of school have passed. Argh.

I'm so sick of it. I'm really just…… really losing it. I don't know how I'm containing everything inside so well. Ok well not really. Sometimes I randomly roll around the frass and then whine abit here and there to myself. BUT STILL, it's considered keeping it all in.

I haven't been able to concentrate in school at all. I cannot keep my mind off certain things and it's really frustrating me. How is it possible that the other party doesn't think about it at all yet it's affecting me so fucking badly?! Monday to Wednesday afternoon was still not that bad. It was wednesday night that all this shit started kicking in. I cannot eat well I cannot sleep well I cannot think well. My body is physically present in class but i'm obviously mentally absent.

Yesterday I had my filming project with the film students. Before that it was just dramaturgy practice on the frass. That whole 2 hours really killed my mood. This person really finds every opportunity to avoid me. I'm like okay fine I don't care either. Oh well at least that was what I showed on the surface. I couldn't even think properly.

When we met the filming students, I wanted to escape so badly. I felt like I was in another dimension wtf. & The fact that they didn't inform us earlier that they were gonna video us doing a short interview drove me even more mad. The whole fucking world knows how much I hate talking in front of people. WHAT'S MORE, TALKING INFRONT OF THE CAMERA?! I almost had a nervous breakdown I swear. Edem wasn't even helping. He kept giving me the wtf is wrong with you face. I'm just like argh fuck la whatever I'm really in no fucking mood to entertain his pmsy attitude. That's the thing with Edem. I love being his friend. I love talking to him but everything under the sky. I love how he can instantly distract me from what I'm thinking. But when it comes to work, I really…… just no. So yup when I escaped from hell, I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore I didn't even know why I cried. I think I'm mental -_-

Today's Open House was just argh too. I felt so unprofessional but it was again all because of him. I hate this. How have I become into this state? Just tell me how. There was a "snap" sound on my neck this morning and it hurt so bad I almost fainted. After spamming salonpas and massaging it, it was a tad bit better. Thank god I had an appointment with Coach ling. He helped me check on my neck area and apparently he said it was rather severe. I was shocked to hear. Oh god that's the thing. My pain tolerance is really super high. I really can't tell the difference between good or bad pain. So yeah I was hurting the whole morning it already spoilt my mood.

Then I saw him. Wow man I need to clap for him because he totally fucking ignored my presence. That really just spoilt my whole day's mood. My performance quality was shitty as hell and everything was just fucking shitty la. All the bloody tap tap hugs that he give JUST MAKES ME EVEN MORE MAD. Ok whatever. My whole day was seriously just fuckmylifeletmejustdieorgohomeanderasealltheseunwantedthoughts.

Maybe I just couldn't believe how much time and brain cells I've used and killed just to think and care about this person, yet this person seriously does nothing in return. NOTHING. He literally doesn't even try. I'm not even asking like for anything BIG OR SHIT. Just a simple caring gesture also can but don't have. In fact he uses every opportunity he has to run away from me. I try so bloody hard to be understanding. His excuses are always the same. Yeah I geddit. Busy. Who the heck isn't!!?!? It's whether or not you BOTHER checking in on me. The fact is that you don't bother. You tell me you're trying but I really don't see it at all. This is not trying. Because if you're trying, then I'm really trying too fucking hard (when in fact I'm really just doing nothing much.) Then because of all of this tension that you unknowingly created, I just don't wanna go to you anymore because you make me feel like a big fat fucking burden. But whatever. We're friends what right. Nothing special anymore.

What the hell is going on between us I don't even know. It makes me so mad because all this could've been avoided if he weren't so fickle minded in his actions. Right now I feel like if I could go back in time, I really probably wouldn't have tried so hard or wouldn't have exposed my feelings so openly. I was supposed to use that 1 month to get over this shitty feeling I have for this person. I can't do this. I'm really not a strong person I hate to admit it but I can't deal with this shit. I really wanna think I'm hallucinating. Maybe I was just being stupid to think we both felt the same. Maybe that was my call to go. Maybe those are your signs. Alright cuz it's fine with me.

Sigh i just really needed to type shits like this out. I don't even care anymore if no one understands what I'm typing. As long as I know what I'm talking about it's enough. Lol

Almost

The year has barely started and I already want the summer break to come. Still 5 months more…. That's so long… Can I cry now? 

Went for massage this morning. It hurts so bad because my whole body's literally tight like hell. Then the masseuse asked me if it was my first time there. I said no then she asked why I was so tight everywhere. Lol erm yup okay. 

Spent last night looking for CNY dresses. Yay I found a few. Mummy bought me one dress this morning that looks so super sweet and pretty. Every year I don't really go hunt for CNY dress. I just leave it to fate HAHAHA. So stupid but really!!! Somehow or another, nice dresses will appear when I don't go hunting for them. Now I just need new heels/wedges and I'm done for cny shopping. I'm such a fast girl I know~~~~   

“There comes a point when apologies seem more like broken records rather than genuine contrition. It’s like they say it for their own benefit— to ease their guilt and quiet their conscience, rather than to make amends with those they have done wrong. Because why would you even bother to say sorry, if you’re going to do it over and over again?”

Honestly been feeling like shit deep down but there's nothing I can do about it. So instead of thinking so much I just block everything out. Sleeping is always a temporary cure/blockage to all sadness. So yeah I've been sleeping a lot. Like throughout the day.. 1hour, 20minutes, 30minutes… & I slept at 12 last night. Yup. I just refuse to be awake. I'm so happy for this Jingwen though. She finally has the courage to confess to the guy she likes and….. HAHAHAHA the response was actually positive. Yay~~~ 

Finally let it all out to Winnie just now. I don't really feel much better because the problem's still there. But…… I guess this is the process of it all. So yeah. We'll see. Goodbye tomorrow's Monday…. :( 

Distance

Finally the end of the week!!!!!!

Yesterday was a rather slacky day. Winstedt rehearsal was the worse of all. Other than that, all was good. Same as the usual, slept on the frass after school. Half the frasss was occupied by the Walking Dead stuff. Haha yup the cast of Walking Dead was at LASALLE this morning~~

At 7ish I was teaching Albert's exercise to Rosanne. Rolling and turning on the dirty floor and all… Everyone looking at us like some idiot :\ There's like a difference when I dance on the frass and on the floor. LOL I don't know why. It's like if I dance on the frass i get judged less. HAHA rubbish omg. Dancers dance everywhere!!! :B Until 8 we stopped because the performers and a few dancers had Dragon/Lion dance rehearsal.

Oh my god la I was so sweaty and all from practicing albert's exercise. & at that moment Becky and Rif came out of the door nearest to the frass. First time I see this boy so excited to see me omg. FOR REAL LOL. (Ok maybe Mystica was the first aiya whateverssss) & he hugged me so tight some more omg I felt so bad. I mean I'm sure I was not smelly or what but I was still sweaty!!!! Oh well~

Walked around and then went to sit with him at square 1!!!! But I got interrupted by everyone around me. What's new man really -_- I can never talk to him alone. He only walks to a secret corner for someone. Yup…. this sadness lol I'm just not important enough. Aiya whatever i shouldn't be bothered with it anyway!!! Ok so I walked away. Cuz it seemed like I was the one being extra. Like wtf. 

Sat at the black hole and watched the dragon rehearse with the percussion. The ambience at the frass at night is simply amazing… Really, the wind, the chillness. I just really love it. Totally didn't even wanna look at the person who made me so meh. Then I don't know for what reason he suddenly sit beside me. I was mad but I didn't wanna show it so I had to calm myself down first before acknowledging his presence beside me lol wtf.

After he said one sentence to me he sat on the floor below me. Lol what? Ok then we got interrupted again #NOTHINGNEW. Aiya but then his head leaned on my leg as if my legs were a head rester and then things got a lil better. Started teasing my small hands again and all… After rehearsal ended, I thought we could all go dinner but plans obviously didn't go as planned. Andrea was not feeling good and she just walked off. Becky Rif and Afiq were at square 1 singing to Frozen OSTs. All of them were imitating Elsa and Anna. Hahaha they were so amazing and fun to watch. Totally made my night <3 I freaking love Frozen!!!!!! 

Went to have dinner with Becky and then went home. She told me something that he has planned. I felt….. good? Because I was in his plans? But then again it might not happen… So…. yup. I guess It's good enough he even thought about it. I felt bad for not saying the truth. Argh fuck I'm such a horrible liar. It was haunting me the entire night even up till now. I'm gonna tell her the truth later when I see her for dinner. Well…. A part of me really hopes he comes too tonight but I doubt it. I mean he's never ever free for me. Never even if it's just 5 minutes. 

Nothing really special la. The only special moment I had yesterday only lasted for less than a minute. Then it was gone. Oh wells. I don't know where this is going. I really don't. We're all busy. I know that. But no matter what he's still on my mind. This week was such a…. week of waiting for something that never happened. Waiting for a text that never came. Waiting for a dinner that never happened. Waiting waiting waiting. Then there are some days I just …. don't know anymore. I'll just continue waiting. 

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. Fuck my life. It's only day 4 of school. 

I really don't like the site specific work that we're doing for lasalle's new campus at winstedt. Like wtf it's not even a dance or anything. I can't even call it abstract. We look like we're barbarians going through BMT. Suddenly plank la, suddenly roll on the floor la, suddenly keep stomping our foot like it doesn't hurt la. Then like all of her ideas weren't stupid enough, she made us imitate chickens and said she liked it a lot. What the fuccckkkkk. OMG thank god next week no more this shit. I really cannot stand that stupid new campus. It feels like a deserted prison and it's so bloody hot there. Everytime I go there I feel so school-sick. LIKE WTF PLS JUST LET ME STAY IN LASALLE DONT MAKE ME GO SOME PRISON LOOKING PLACE. I feel sad for the people who have to go there to study. So sad. Thank god we're in Mcnelly campus. I appreciate my school so much suddenly because that place at winstedt is simply horrible beyond words. 

So we've been through 2 Albert's classes already. I can't believe I could actually do his exercise when my hamstring and quads are like literally snapping. This is really not good pain and I'm so scared for myself. But then again ITS ALBERT. Pain also die die must do. Argh fuck I really don't think I'm so bad I swear. Especially in his class... I am not saying I'm good at contemp but I really don't think I'm the worst in his class?!??!!!! Only in his class I can switch sides so quickly. Mentally working so fast that I really just blank out after that. I mean he scolds everyone but his comments to ME ah, seriously always the same. I'm just like what the fuck man you tell me to sit I sit you tell me to point I point I listen to him like a fucking dog and apparently to him it still looks like I can't dance?!?! OHMYGOD ANGRY BIRD. What the hell does he want I really wonder. Still quite shocked that he never mention about my size again. I think it will come soon. -Just waiting for it- He makes me tremble but I've learnt to just take it in. COME AT ME DOOD as long as I know I'm trying so mafaking hard. 

Had the first ballet class today too with Melissa. I was really too out of class la. Dazed like hell. My legs were really hurting like fuck even a 45 degree leg lift hurts like shit. I bet no one in my class believes me la that's why I just meh push on. Horrible ballet class. Me didn't like. My feet also started having that bruised sensation again and I was like argh!!!!! 

My appetite nowadays damn screwed up. Lunch I'm totally not hungry at all. Don't say breakfast because I don't eat breakfast. I only eat dinner everyday now. Like since Monday... God. Andrea says it's the heartbreak that gives me no appetite. I kinda understand what she meant but LOL I don't think I'm going through a heartbreak la so drama. I've just been thinking too much and like feeling insecure and shit. 

Been hanging out at the frass after school with Andrea everyday. The wind at night is just really AMAZING!!!!! even just now when I was sleeping at the frass at 5ish. There was sun.... But the wind was so cold I couldn't even be bothered with the sun. If only every time of the day was that cold/windy. Perfect!!!! 

TGIF GUYS TGIF I really hope I have a good Friday. This week has been too tiring. I need a massage on the weekends or else I really cannot survive week 2. Goodnight. 

Does the world not know that I have pulled my hamstring before I injured my god damn feet? Oh god. I remembered sitting out of classes because my hamstring was seriously giving in and I couldn't take it anymore. I still took classes and then I ended up breaking my feet how smart. I haven't danced for 2 months. & I stupidly just jumped into 2 dance classes. That to me, was intense because my stamina dropped like mad. 

For the whole evening on the frass, I was trying to stretch it out because it's been pain ever since the 2 dance classes that I went to last week. I can't believe that this Jingwen didn't know I was in pain!!!! God LOL. All she kept saying was that it was so disturbing that my torso was so long and that my elbows were just resting nicely below my calves.. LOL think what I do that for?! For fun ah omg. (PS: I'm not super flexible. It's just that.... my torso is really almost the same length as my legs. So leaning forward is so much more comfortable than sitting upright. Yes my legs are very short. Lol.) 

First day of school was actually not that bad, except for the long hours of rehearsals at the frass... LASALLE trains me to read people's lips man. Miss Mel always talk so softly... I'm always trying to read her lips... Getting better at it as the days pass. Now still can read wrong. Lol ok haha.

Time to sleep I got Albert first thing in the morning. Jesus Christ I need to sleep and suddenly wake up remembering ALL his exercises or else I'll be cursed or maybe kicked out. Hahahaha nah jk alright bye. 

Distant.

Oh well. Today is official the last day of my holiday. School resumes tomorrow. That dude's missing in action. I just had a stoned Sunday. I was literally numb for like the whole afternoon. I didn't want to think about it so I just went to sleep. I don't know what to feel. Am i supposed to be annoyed? Or am i supposed to think it's very normal? What the hell. I really wished he'd stop leaving me hanging. I don't understand this bullshit. 

Sudden breakdown yesterday night before I slept. Like I don't know. Can't be that I was PMS-ing because my menses were long over!!! Oh my god just suddenly had a lot of thoughts coming to mind and all that bullshit. BULLSHIT. :(

Had dinner with my family at night. Daddy was still being so cute and all trying to make me laugh. Sigh I feel so bad for not talking to them the entire week. I don't want them to know that I'm upset. It's so hard for me to hide my emotions so it's really better I lock myself up and suffer finish first then get out of my prison.

I'm really not prepared for school. 

I'm just not. 

Unexpected Friday

Today was an awesome Friday, unexpectedly..

It was a very last minute plan to go back to school. The film students contacted us and asked if we could meet so we just said yes. It was for our dramaturgy project. I was initially dreading to go back to school... I don't want to see people that I'm not ready to see especially when everything was in such a mess. I still was in the morning up to the moment I reached school.

Oh well I was actually welcomed by my classmates and schoolmates. Oh my god that joy was just..... Unexplainable. Its been too long since I felt that!!!! Hahaha. Though I saw Jingwen yesterday but seeing her, Andrea and Laban today was super comforting!!! Wanted to hug them so tight.. Hahaha!! BECKY TOO!! 

The person that I was so eager yet scared to see actually came late. Like an hour late LOL. He was texting and saying that he was rushing for lion dance. Afew minutes later after I replied, he came. I was facing the reflection so I could see him. I swore he saw me the moment he came but he just ignored my presence. Ohmygod I didn't know what to felt. After 5 minutes or so then he came over to say hi BUT it was just a tap tap hug and then he disappeared to practicing his lion. Suddenly felt so like arghhhhhh. I haven't seen him for like one over freaking month and that's all he did?! Tap tap and go?! Holy crap. Why is he so serious in his work..... Ok good thing la hahaha. So it was just awkward like hell because I didn't know why he didn't wanna talk to me :'( So sad... I didn't bother doing anything either cuz he was so obviously making himself busy with other stuff -_-

He disappeared again and then when he came back he sat next to me. Oh wow finally he decided to acknowledge my presence la. We barely even said 5 sentences... Cuz coach ling called him for help at H :( Boohoo... Oh wells finally could talk alittle more when he was dismissed. Finally gave him the things I wanted to give.. It was only after that he gave me a proper hug. sigh getting a proper hug from him is the rarest thing on earth really :( I don't know if it's just me or what... But I really cannot stand insincere hugs. Especially from the people close to me!!! it's annoying. That was why I was annoyed when he tap tap hug me argh. Lol. But I was genuinely happy that he was happy though. Made my day. 

Had lunch with Cheryl and Laban. Ordered some pizza and banana cake that me and Cheryl shared. I ordered cookies and cream milkshake BUT J DIDNT FINISH IT!! Miracle or miracle?!?! HAHA. Chatted about stuff and then we went back to the frass.

The film students were there already at about 1.30pm. So we talked for like an hour or so and things were settled!! I was so happy~~ Yay we're heading somewhere!!! 

After that I just hung out at the frass with Andrea and Laban after that. Also looking at the performance kids do their stage combat thingy. When class was dismissed I went to take my bag and said bye to him. Oh my god he gave me the longest hug he ever gave to me... (which I mentioned probably like a thousand and one times that it's the rarest thing on earth.) It was so nice I didn't wanna let go -shit I am dead what am I talking about I am dead!!!!- But yeah :'( He even said something at the end which I never expected him to say.. OMG totally made my day again ahhhh..... Going cray cray~

Ah sigh I really missed him. Especially for the past few days... It's been one hell of a horrible week. I did tell him tho but there was like lag time because I was really shocked he said it first.. Haha... :') 

Went to find Jai after that at Jurong East!!! First time that I go to Jem and Jcube.. Hahaha not bad ah the place there. But so confusing and shit. Wanna find fastfood also so hard. Haiyo. We went there to ice skate!!!!! I totally forgot how to ice skate. God it was so annoying like my left leg could lift up but everytime I lift my right leg I'll lose balance. WEAK LEFT ANKLE STUPID SHANNY LOL. Ya but I kinda managed to skate again after awhile... Kinda la better than last time. & I fell right on my left butt cheek. It's definitely bruised now. 

Every part of my body is aching like MAD!!!! I have a stiff neck, back ache, core ache, legs definitely burning like mad. ENTIRE BODY REALLY.. It was a miracle that I slept before 1 yesterday. I was really too tired from the 2 classes I went yesterday.. 

I'm finally dancing again!!! So happy~~~ I won't say I was that bad for my first 2 lessons after like a 2 month freaking break.. Went with Jingwen Ruishan and Afiq!!! Hahaha ohmygod Afiq was still as funny and ridiculous as ever~~~ My danzpeople Afiq was there too!!!! Ohmygod I missed him too!!! It has been like freaking almost 4 months since I last saw him.... TIME FLIES TOO FAST!!!! Gah before class Kayte told me she needed to go home straight aft class. After class there were too many people so I didn't wanna hang around. Walao after that she text me asked why I left because afiq and her was looking around for me and wanted to hang out awhile... So sad I really missed them!!! Afiq and Kayte :'( Gah I will stay longer next time tsktsk. But when is the next time gonna come... School's about to start. Afiq had to make me jealous by telling me he's graduating soon in Feb or March. So he has lotsa time to go for classes. BITCH!!!!! I'll resume!!!! SOON!!!! Next holiday. Goddamit that's damn long. -_- 

Oh wells I'm really super tired now and I'm going to bed. Yay to a Good Friday <3 Yes it's only 12.42AM~!!!! Getting my bodyclock back to normal~ Woohoo~ 

Happy New Year

Hey yo 2014 didn't really greet me well~ BUT…

I had a super fun time with Yvonne last night. It was definitely one of the best sleepovers ever. How can she be so fun to be with?!!??!?! Oh my god.

We went to MBS last night and it was packed like mad. We just kept walking and walking and I was actually enjoying it because it was so windy…. I just love walks really. I can just keep walking without knowing where I'm going. HAHAHA. I just got a little tired halfway through because there were too many people. I felt a little bit bad because…. I was kinda distracted with my god damn phone. Yeah what else was I doing other than waiting for somebody to reply? It was already like after work hours… I thought by then things would go back to normal because today was the last day of work… Apparently not? But she was so nice :') Her company really made me feel not alone… Though I had many thoughts of just sitting down somewhere and think through things.

We finally found a place to sit down to see the fireworks but what made me so crazy was that the place we chose HAD SUPER EXTREMELY BAD SIGNAL. I totally couldn't use my data even though I switched on my 4G. I got so frustrated I just wanted to throw my phone away. Lol… The fireworks was amazing…. It was the first time out of SOOOOO many years that I've seen it so up close. 7 minutes of fireworks. 7 is just the best number la okay~~~ Woohoo~

I had no mood at all after new year.. Like on the way home I was just super duper distracted no matter how much I tried to get it out of my head. BUT… I still did. We bought maggie mee home to eat because we were hungry!!! I was really happy I wasn't alone during New Year's. I was so happy that Yvonne decided to sleepover~~~~ Laughed so much throughout the whole night oh my god. Laugh until I lost my voice. LITERALLY. I had no voice the entire night until this morning. Right now it's still a little hoarse but not as bad as last night. Hahaha. Then I got moody, AGAIN, at 3ish over something. Meh stupid shit nevermind I'm getting over it. Things like that should bring shanny down argh.

Watched EXO showtime before sleeping~~~ Hehehe we slept so late. WHAT'S NEW!!!! Hahaha woke up at 2-ish almost 3. So tired….. When school starts I'm really dead… HAHA.

I'M SO EXCITED TO DANCE AGAIN!!!! GOING TO CLASS AGAIN FEELS SO UNREAL. I'M EXCITED…. Maybe my muscle memory and all already drop a lot BUT NEVERMIND LET'S JUST DO THIS SHIT I'M EXCITED!!!!