Screwed body clocks
Long nights
Short afternoons
Irregular meals

The holidays have officially started.

Been talking to Amanda for the past few days wheee felt like the old days. I like how me and her always have random conversations anyday anytime. So I was telling her about my issues and I kinda told her like if I can stay up till 3am then I'll start the conversation first with that person because I know very well that person sleeps at like 5 in the morn every Saturday. Oh good lord when 3am came, I had no balls so I didn't. I just went to sleep instead. LOL my head only filled with thoughts like "wtf who the heck is this person texting at 3 in the morn"

But for some reason, balls decided to grow overnight so I did start the conversation afew nights ago and it's going on for quite awhile. We talked the most last night and I was freaking out when the day was ending because I didn't want it to end :( I don't want to wake up knowing that person saw my message and decide to just totally ignore it. THAT'S WHAT HE ALWAYS DO ANYWAYS. I wouldn't be surprised if he did but I DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. So I was kinda like "shit i need to snap back to reality in afew hours time I'm so sad."

Guess what guys guess what?

WE ACTUALLY CONTINUED THE CONVERSATION. This is unbelievable. I really am still in that state of shock. But of course after like Wed everything's back to normal. Sigh pie I don't need such things in my life k that's why I have kpop to make me happy. 

I love it when people open up to me. I feel closer to the person. I feel like there has to be a certain level of trust towards someone for you to open up your heart to. Well for me I feel different. People always say I'm whining when I actually tell people how I feel. I don't like it!!!!! Like anything I say sounds like I'm complaining. So sad sia my life. It's ok I have my blog, lol.

OK RANDOMNESS ASIDE! I met Yvonne the Aussie woman today to catch "Catching Fire"! OMG I swear it was so good. So many heart wrenching scenes. BUT I still hate hunger games ending. Like seriously?! The endings are like so improper I can't even. The first movie didn't really wow me because of the damn ending and like everything was so predicted. Nope I didn't read the book. I mean you should at least put a proper ending! It's as if the movie just got cut off liddat. Wa worse than twilight series sia. (Just the ending guys I'm not talking bout the whole show) But overall yes it was a super good movie. Because the ending's so annoying, I might just go buy Mockingjay because I'm dying to know what's gonna happen. 

We were walking around and suddenly mentioning Jai in our conversation AND SHE APPEARED LIKE 5 SECONDS AFTER. It was so freaky I couldn't even say anything. We stopped talking cuz I was replying to JAI's message and when I pressed send, SHE APPEARED!!!! OMG my amazing pabz is amazing. Idk but sometimes you just know you'll bump into somebody. How am I supposed to explain this man it's unexplainable L O L. but yay I was so glad to see her omg~

It's now 2.16. Yeah yeah shopping spree part 2 with my momzy tomorrow wooohoooo! 

Yay movie yesterday and movie today. I'm a happy girl.

Caught "Make your move" with Luv Lav and Sonia yesterday. & "Commitment" with Cher Cheryl and Mia today. There are so many more movies that I wanna watch ohmymy. Yes 1 more day to holidays. I'm so excited for no reason. My friends aren't even on holiday yet. I can't even go out with them. At the very least, I don't need to wake up early~~~

So Andrea was talking about the bad sides of people and stuff like that and it got me thinking how it doesn't bother me at all. Ok maybe not that it doesn't bother me. I force my mind to accept them as who they are. I know everyone's flawed. Everyone has their own way of showing their emotions. I don't blame people or get irritated at how they respond to certain things. I mean I don't see the point of getting irritated. You can't change him or her. And another reason.... I don't like it when people talk about me. I always see things this way. If I don't want it to happen to me, I won't do it to other people. Not that it works.... I know people still talk about me behind me and yeah can't really help it. At least my conscience is clear. I don't feel good either, talking about people.

Don't really know what I should do tomorrow after school. I refuse to stay back to usher again. I ushered the BA2s show just now. Oh god once is enough. I don't like ushering for so many days. I can't forget grad show... It was such a torture. The show was so long and I had to usher for all 3 nights!!! Insane much?!

Hopefully I get to meet a few of my old friends this coming holiday. & also maybe forget this infatuation that is going nowhere. Nope not maybe. Already forgetting. Haha don't ask me how I can give up so easily. That's my forte.

I wanna know yet i don't

"I'm the type of person that kinda guard my heart and not put myself out there. I like to be careful with what I say and for the most part, I don't like to chase after people and to show alot of affection or attention towards people for the sake of 'i don't wanna get hurt'."

I was so zoned out yesterday. It has really struck me that this is reality. I'm not an important person in that person's life and whether or not I'm ok, it doesn't matter. I intended to go to school early and grab some Starbucks and chill you know. But I just couldn't get out of my bed. I woke up so many times to snooze my alarm. I just wanted to sleep, in hopes that if I try to wake up again, your name might appear on my phone. Nope never happened. Maybe that's why I just want to sleep. I want to sleep away all these thoughts. When I had break in between classes, I just slept. I felt so soulless.

This morning, or maybe last night, I had a dream about that person just constantly ignoring my presence. It felt so horrible but I couldn't get out of that dream. There are only 2 endings to my dreams. 1st, its a prediction of what will happen in the coming future. Yes this sounds so stupid and you might think I'm mad but I always dream of the future. Mine's really strong and it really does come true. If my dream is realistic enough, it will happen in real life in just a matter of a few weeks. No I don't fucking want that god damn dream to come true I'll shoot myself. The 2nd ending to my dreams are.... hmmm it just doesn't come true l o l 

Yay to the last exam of the semester. I'm technically on holidays already. Oh well that is if I didn't fail my writing class... -_- I have a really strong feeling that I'll fail. Tsk 

So amazing how many body has suddenly stopped craving for food right after this afternoon. NOTHING TO STRESS ABOUT ANYMORE SO NO NEED TO EAT JUNKFOOD. Means I can finally see my weight going down instead of increasing. Oh well ok losing weight plan starts today. Also time for my face to recover from stress acne. Argh fml I look the most horrible of the horrible people during stress period. I just wanna kill myself when I look at the mirror.

Need to go on a shopping spree soon. Holiday season is here. Wheeeeeee no school no school WHEEEEE 

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS WEEK TO BE OVER. JUST BE OVER ALREADY OH GOD.

I had bad sore eye last night. Sigh so i went to bed early even though I wasn't tired. I was so afraid it wouldn't heal in time before I leave the house the next day. But I couldn't sleep because my phone was ringing nonstop jesus christ. My phone is the noisiest when I really wanna sleep. Oh god and it's not even from that one person that I am looking forward to. Was literally struggling to keep myself awake last night to reply to people's messages. 

Woke up this morn and felt like shizzz. Found out something I probably shouldn't find out. I wanna know more yet..... Gah I really don't know maybe I should bang my head on the wall like 10 thousand times. 

Went to meet Lavanya and Edem for our dramaturgy presentation. After we're done with our work, we started talking about guys and girls. ALWAYS THIS TOPIC. LOL and I never ever get sick of it. We were talking about it yesterday and today we still continued talking about it. Talks with Edem are always so nice. I find out so much more about guys. Though I think not all guys are like him but I'm definite they are at least 70% similar. 

I actually knew 3/4 of the things Edem said. It was more like a confirmation to my "thoughts" on guys. I think I understand guys a little too much. Like how the hell can I know so much on how a guy thinks?! IT'S BAD. I kinda am in this spot where I don't really wanna acknowledge that guys are like that you know. Maybe that's why I just pretend I know nothing about guys, in hopes that better guys will prove my 'thoughts' wrong. EH I'M ALWAYS IN MY OWN FAIRYLAND I CAN'T STAND IT. Can I just not grow up!? 

"我不想 我不想 不想长大

长大后 世界就没童话” 

I wanna believe that there is still chivalry in this generation. It's so hard but..... SORRY GUYS LIVING IN SELF-DELUSION. I NEED TO WAKE UP SOMEONE SMACK ME NOW LOL. 

Walked up and down orchard until my feet hurt like crap. Went home after that and stoned at home again what's new.

Tomorrow's Monday again. Faster time fly faster pew pew pew

Just 5 more days of school. I must hang in there.

Went back to school today to complete my assignments. Obviously not done so my group's gonna meet up tomorrow again.

The weather was so shiok today it felt so good. Gosh. Went to have dinner with Jingwen and we ended up having a heart to heart talk for 3 FREAKING HOURS. Sit until backside pain. Heart also pain when we were talking about something that I've accumulated in my heart for so long. I realised we always have h2h before the end of a semester. The last time we had such a long talk was at Starbucks LOL. Totally remembered how I cried so much AT FREAKING STARBUCKS. -So embarassing gonna hide my head under the table like an ostrich-

I really dislike people whom I put 1st place in my heart, puts me 2nd in theirs. Maybe not even 2nd. Maybe like 5th or 6th. It hits me so bad. How I always let people into my lives and then get slapped on my own face for letting people in. Friends who left me, friends who backstabbed me, friends who put boyfriends infront of me, friends who made me think they were my besties when obviously they're not. I've been through it all. I remember there was this period of time where I used to block everyone out of my lives so I wouldn't need to risk myself for getting hurt. I was tired of people leaving me. I hated how I was the only one who felt the pain because others had more important friends to hold onto. I used to give every single one of my 'important' friends gifts during their birthdays and during christmas. I would personally choose their gifts because they meant that much to me. But did they do the same? No. So I stopped. My parents would always tell me that I shouldn't put friends first priority because they don't put me first yet I don't listen. I feel like people think I'll always be there for them. People don't feel like they will lose me. & I hate it. So let me tell all of you who really just don't treat me like i'm important. When I'm really outta your lives and you wonder why, just look back and think about how you've treated me all this time. There's your answer.

Another point. Texting people. I don't see what's so hard to reply one bloody message. It irritates me so much no amount of words could describe my annoyance towards people who DON'T reply to my message. The fact that I even text someone FIRST is just like wtf you're definitely an important person in my life. But no obviously i'm not important enough for the person to reply to me. The worst thing is that the person CHOOSES who he/she wants to reply. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK JUST REPLY TO ALL WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. I try to give you benefit of a doubt. I always think of something positive to tell myself so I wouldn't feel upset when people don't reply. I feel like you're taking advantage of it man. Just because I know you don't always read your messages doesn't mean you can choose not to reply me okay. It's so annoying. I'm not even saying like you should reply on the spot. At least out of courtesy say 'thankyou' when I send you good regards right. ISN'T THAT JUST POLITE?! Do you think I text you because I wanna exercise my thumbs!? Stupid people always making me feel like I'm such a pest or big fat bother. Like ok fine maybe that's a sign I should get out of everyone's lives -_-

I really don't wanna do things first anymore man. If you bother, you'll find me. End of story. I hate going to people who doesn't even want me in their lives. SICK OF IT SICKKKKK!!!!!! Argh so fucking annoying

Been listening to this song since yesterday night. This is so emotional I can't even explain this feeling. It's not even a new song. She sings it with so much emotions I just can't stop getting emotional lol. If I could choose my sex, I would really wanna be a male. & I make sure I'm a good man.

Annoyed

Argh if I don't vent this out here I think I'm gonna take a knife and stab that bitch in the face, not even in the stomach please. This stupid asshewl is such an asshewl. So i came to school this morning for class AS USUAL. She came into the studio, switched on the lights. I didn't want to go up to her personally to tell her I cannot do class. I didn't want her to lecture me for fucking nothing again. So I wanted to wait till she was taking attendance, like in front of the whole class so she won't tell me grandmother story. She really doesn't give me mercy. She asked the whole class what should they do if they were sitting out of class. Obviously she was talking about me right!? Fucking childish. How old is she?! What the fuck I woke up just to SIT in her class. AT LEAST I BOTHERED TO COME. She don't even give a shit to those who didn't bother turning up her class. She only care that I didn't fucking tell her that my fucking feet is fractured. I told her I was gonna tell her when she takes my attendance BUT OBVIOUSLY SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING CALLED MY NAME?!

She's really reaching my limits. If I see her next sem I am just going to fail contemp and I really don't even care. PLEASE AH. She think I don't know she's gonna fail me already meh. Kanina sia. She thinks by doing this to me, I'll be a better dancer? N TO THE FUCKING O. Only left with 3 lessons with her this semester. I AM JUST NOT GONNA TURN UP. Not happy with me then not happy with me la. Just because I'm not good at contemp you treat me like that. Fucking biased piece of shit. I don't see you doing this to the people who're good in contemp. Wa you make me cuss too much.

Enough of that mood spoiler. I am just not going to her classes. End of story.

Update on my foot, I AM WALKING NOW!!!! Daddy said I've been reborn. Hahahaha. It's still in one big fat bandage and it's still bruised and I still can't dance. At the very least I am walking. I can save money on cab fares. Boo but I think I walked about too much today so it hurts quite badly right now.. -big fat sigh- 

Went to watch Albert's show on Saturday. I actually kinda expected more than what I saw. Honestly, I thought that Grapple was better than this show. Grapple's a piece Albert created for the 2013 graduates.  But all in all it was still good la. There's just something about Albert's choreography that doesnt make me fall asleep. He likes line formations. The dancers stay on the spot, only moving their upper bodies yet I think I liked that part the most.

Went to Mcd for dinner after the show. Mcd for lunch and Mcd for dinner... How healthy of me. Plus I'm not dancing. Haha this is a joke man. I really am just gaining weight every single day of my life. This sucks so bad and yet I'm not doing anything about it. :'( Oh well. I guess I can only start dieting when I no longer need to stress for school. You might think I'm nuts right. People eat and put on weight in December, I diet during December. Lmao 

Mummy bought new phones!!!! I finally have the 5s!!! My phone finally has sound!! I can finally hear people's voice memos!! Hehee and I have new earpiece!!! I can hear good music now!!! Previously my earpiece was so bad my music quality was so shitty I couldn't even enjoy the music I was listening to. BEST THING EVER IS THAT IT IS 64 FREAKING GB. FINALLY HAVE FREAKING MEMORY!!!!! Been suffering with the 16gb phone ever since I cracked my 32gb phone. Suffered for like a year sobs sobs :'( 

Sigh gotta stay up tonight because I haven't finished doing my work. And right now I have no bloody mood to do it because of that stupid shit. 

Hi guys.

It's been like 3 days since I've been walking around with crutches (excluding the weekend because I just sat in my bed for the whole day). It's so tiring and now both my arms and armpits are in great pain.... Tomorrow is my next visit to the sinseh and I really hope he gives me a smaller bandage so I can fit my foot into my shoes and walk on two feet. Yes it obviously hurts but it's totally bearable. I really think I should walk in case I loose all my muscles. 

I feel like a big fat burden to my father I can't even explain this feeling. He's so busy with work and all yet he has to fit into my schedule. If I could walk on 2 feet he wouldn't need to fetch me everyday to and fro sch. Its a luxury to me but a burden to my father. & I cannot stand it. 

Tomorrow's ballet assessment and I'm obviously not going to do it. Sigh my assessment is going to be pushed back. I'm scared.... I don't wanna do ballet assessment alone. Ok maybe not alone. I feel so mean to say this but there's definitely gonna be failures for this class. (or maybe miss Elizabeth decides to be kind and pass all them ha idk) But omg idk how this is going to work out. I am not confident in ballet at all. If I dance with them I am just going to kill myself. Especially when I know they are people who never ever get enchainments right. & when they get it wrong, I'm a gone case because I'm affected by them. Actually I think this problem of mine already improved by a lot but still it's not enough. Ok what the hell why am I worrying about this now. Wrong timing girl 

Gah just wanna walk again. All that I can ask for for now. I'm already missing out on the sleepover at Laban's house and I'm so sad :( sigh. If I cannot go out on Saturday I'll be even sadder. sigh BOOHOOOOO. 

There's so much more that I wanna say here but....... meh meh meh lets just stop here. 

Couldn't sleep last night so I decided to watch WIN, the YG show that Amelia's been pestering me to watch.. Haha. Yup don't call me a freak I used 10 hours straight to watch finish it. Lol. Sobbing so much because I knew what they were going through. As a dancer I know how much demoralizations and criticisms they have to go through, how many times people tell you your best is not good enough. It's just hitting them 10 times worse than me because they have to sing and dance. I pitied Team A so much... I could see that they were trying so hard... So hard and yet they still keep losing because of the constant demoralisation. I personally am a Team B fan but my heart hurts so much for Team A... Oh my god especially Kim Jinwoo and Nam Taehyun. Both of them breaks my heart...

"I always heard that people say I sang well. But after I came here, I realised that everyone's skills were far better than what I originally imagined. I don't think that I'm suited for this style. So I had to change my whole style and as a result, I reached my lowest point. To tell the truth, there were times where I really wanted to just give up. I started because I liked it. But as the days passed, there are times when I just felt really tired.."

- Nam Taehyun  

I can relate so much to Nam Taehyun. How he has so low confidence in himself. I felt as if I was just watching a male version of myself. & it wasn't nice to watch him because I could constantly feel his stress energy and negative vibes, like he had an imaginary dark cloud above his head. & all I could do was to pity him. Boo don't want to be like him. I need to up my confidence... I need to know what my 'talents' are. I need I need I need.. Sobs what is this harsh reality show about so harsh eh. Team A literally lost EVERY round until episode 8..

Love Kim Jinhwan and B.I~~~ Yay hehehe I love it they dance so well and it's so damn hip hop. Omg I love it!!!!! B.I has this swag aura it's just so amazing. & Bobby is forever so cheerful he makes me smile!!!!! :D Team B has a more natural swag in comparison to Team A. I want natural swag too!!!!!! -dreamingzzz-

I really thought both groups will debut.... No my team B :'( I'm so sad their last self-composed song was so touching i can't even.... The lyrics just made me cried so much. It was so real... Especially B.I..... He's so cool and all. His solo rap was just.. BOOM so much feel I can't even!!!!!!!!!! GOD I'M SO SAD....

Alright I'm done. I'm gonna go do work now enough of shows...

Oh my god I've never gotten so much care and concern from people in my class before and even friends.. Meh feeling so loved all of a sudden.. I really feel like the youngest in class now. Thank you so much guys :') Especially Cher. Constantly checking if I'm alright.. Like a big sis. Aw...

Went to see x-ray in the morning. I had to wait 2 hours for it to be done. So daddy sent me home first. Slept and watched an episode of the heirs. Went to see the sinseh. He told me coach ling and him were together last night and he was very concerned about me. SOBS LOVE COACH LING. You can never find someone so passionate and caring in what he's doing. 

Dr Chay told me I cannot dance for at least 3 weeks.. It's so hard to walk now and I feel like a big fat ass burden. So tiring to walk on crutches, so tiring to climb up the stairs. I am practically training my triceps while i climb the stairs because I'm using my arms to push myself up. I really don't know how I'm gonna go to school to and fro everyday. I'm so sad right now I don't even know what to say. I wanna be able to walk on 2 feet soon. I want to but right now, it hurts so much I don't dare to step on my injured feet. Sobs....

I don't like it when my dad makes me feel like it's such a big thing and make a big drama out of it. Yeah I can't dance for 3 weeks that doesn't mean I cannot walk for 3 weeks what. He asked me how can I go to school in my state. I'm like this kind of thing in my school is so damn normal. You tell the teacher you don't want me to go school I think she'll laugh at you -_- I know he feels sad for me and all. I myself know it's a big fat problem to even walk. But life still goes on and this is an obstacle that I have to deal with. It's life how can i escape right..

Staying home makes me think too much. Right now there are so many assignments due. The more I think about it the more stoned I am. I can't believe this.