"Let her know you really love her and say it often because she still won’t believe it. Be gentle with your words. She will think about them all night and she will remember every single one of them. 

Reassure her that it’s OK to talk about her feelings because she feels too much and she will always be scared of pushing you away. Listen to her as she speaks because she wants to know what you think of her. 

Don’t look straight into her, she will look away because she doesn’t want you to see the depth of her care and the intensity of her emotions. Hold her hand tightly because secretly she doesn’t want to let go.

Speak on her behalf sometimes because her words can get lost in translation.

Try to laugh at the silly things she does, she is trying to divert the attention from the serious feelings she is catching.

Ask her questions about her life, she wants to tell you everything but she wants to make sure you actually want to hear it.

Believe her when she tells you she will always be there for you because she doesn’t take her words or feelings back. Smile back at her when she smiles at you. Her smile is her way of saying she misses you. Stay beside her when she is uncertain, sometimes all she needs to maintain her focus is your presence."

I've had a really nice Friday night. I haven't felt like I wanna learn something so much in so long. Went iceskating with my boyfriend and my brother. I felt like so loved and so princessy. Cuz i could tell both of them were looking out for me. 

It was like a super innocent wish I had when I was young. Like I thought it'd be romantic to ice skate with a boyfriend when I grow up though I have no clue howwww to ice skate at all. So I felt really happy though I was totally just walking around or trying to find my balance three quarters of the time. It was really fun and I loved it. Though it wasn't thaaaat romantic and I kinda bore him out after awhile cuz of the painful shoes.... But ya kinda hurt me too but I was too in love with the moment all the pain disappeared.

Wished everyday was as happy as it was. Truly hard.

"Love a soft person. The kind whose heart breaks over puppies and injured children. Someone who cries over sad endings to movies and feels deep joy over happy ones. Someone who kisses your soul instead of your heart because they know that your soul is where you keep your universe and your heart is just one star. The sort of person who is told they are over sensitive because they have a more fragile, easily wounded heart.

Protect a soft person. These kind of people are becoming endangered with words like ‘toughen up’ and ‘you’re so naïve’ and ‘they’re going to take advantage of you’. Someone who you can see is trying despite being broken themselves. Someone who is an easy target for ridicule because their heart is softer than most others around. Someone who is quick to apologise and fix things regardless of blame or fault."

I feel really vulnerable towards emotions. Really very. And it really sucks. These kinda articles make it feel like it's all good and shit. But in reality it's really not. I feel like a weak puppy all the damn time. ALL THE DAMN TIME :( 

Every time I let go of feeling scared, (like it really takes so much effort from me it takes so much time to tell myself it's all gonna be okay.) it comes running back to me... 

God let me be brave. 

❤️❤️❤️

Finally I'm feeling blessed. I don't know I just don't feel that depressed just for now. Maybe because a lot of people are going through things right now and I suddenly feel so comforted by the fact that he still loves me as much. I know I have a lot of fuckery going on in my head regardless of how he tries to assure me and all.

I was feeling rather strange the past weekend. At first I had a horrible week because I was thinking of all the bad that could happen.

"What if I get so over protective he repels from me?"
"What if I nag too much he goes and find someone that talks less and praises more?"
"What if I am so depressed he's sick of my shit?"
"What if I love him so damn deep and he leaves me?
" What if......... "

So many what ifs. I waited the whole day on Friday for him. I couldn't help to feel sad cuz I just felt like it was gonna happen but I had this slight small hope that I might see him a little early like 6ish7 at least..? It was like the only day I could like hang out late because I was staying over at his place... We all know how fucked up my family system is over the curfews shit.... So any day I get to stay out it's like a golden day for me... And if I don't put it to good use it's just pretty upsetting. After hours and hours of waiting for him, it kinda spoilt my vibe. I just wanted to lay in bed because the weather was not helping either. It was raining cats and dogs. Like god this weather is to sleep not go out. I only managed to meet him at almost 10pm.. Thank the lords we didn't end up quarrelling because of my fucked up face.

There and then was the moment that I started sobbing. Unknowingly sobbing even though I fucking just want the tears to stay inside. Like "why you crying woman can you stop" that's what I kept telling myself but like why does it keep flowing out please stop. I was probably pmsing. Cuz now when I think back I can't even think of the reason to why I cried.

Didn't had a really good sleep. Was still struggling with the many what ifs in my head the entire night. Even the slightest move of him made me upset. Fucking retarded confirm I pmsing. Small things like him not holding my hand even though i put my hand there makes me meh. Then I woke up in the middle of the night because I had a horrible dream of him like leaving me or what I don't remember I just felt horrible. Like the entire night I just feel like I was half awake trying to wait for the moment where he hugs me back or something. SO. RETARDED. Why are you so retarded shan....

Spent our saturday at home cuz the weather was so good we woke up at 1?! Holy mama... It was all okay until his mom called him and suddenly he was all hot and angsty. Which made me stressed and all. Like I really don't know what to do? Should I say something? Should I keep quiet to let him cool down? Should I ask what happened? I kinda just kept quiet. And then he started oi-ing me again and made me feel like a useless girlfriend. Like a cigarette stick can make him feel better and I just cannot. "That's why I don't wanna tell you things. I just wanna buy cigarette and smoke and feel better.." Ouch. What was I supposed to do right? I want to be there for him. But he doesn't wanna talk...? How much can I ask? I was scared that he will find me irritating if I ask too much. Like i'm really so confused I don't know what to do. I feel so useless. I think if it happens again I'll still feel useless. We solved it but i'm just still scared.

Went out for late dinner with baby. And it was kinda nice he was telling me stuff and all. Like oh my it felt so nice. But I just couldn't live in the moment. I just kept thinking why is it only now that this is happening... I wished it happened more often.. And as time passes by I was worrying about the time. Sucks to be me. That was when he kept asking me what's wrong with me what's in my head and I just couldn't say anything. I just really feel like shit and if I say heartfelt feelings I'll just cry non stop. Like i'm trying to stop crying already YET STILL FAIL. I cannot deal with myself. Shanette you need to face the wall

It was really nice of him, to constantly assure me of things this week. I felt like I really needed that to move on from how I was feeling the past week. As much as words are nothing unless proven, I just felt like his words were sincere... Really thankful.

We really argue a lot. But I don't know how he manages to make me feel better afterwards. Though I'm always very hurt in the process and always wishes it wouldn't even happen in the first place. Thank you for making me feel loved. I really wish we'll be like this. I just can't help but feel scared for all of this to disappear again. The fear is so real it's making me cry everytime I think about it.

Regardless I love him.


"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. 
Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is."

Every time I hear about other people's stories or how I know some people, I just end up feeling very lucky to have him. I just don't know it's always the people around me that reminds me how much he means to me. Because only he will love me that much. No one else would.

Thankful to know we love each other enough to always make things work. There are many many fights that I feel like you're giving up and it scares me like hell. But thank you for still staying by my side and making the effort to be better in making our relationship work. Regardless of how nonsensical our problems are thank you for finding a way out of it. This doesn't make me less scared of the fights that have yet to come. Instead it actually makes me even more scared because I really don't know how to deal with them even after more than a year. It's funny how I can't think like oh he loves me a lot that's why it's okay we're gonna be okay. I'm actually really very scared to lose him each time we fight. I guess in a good way I'm not taking him for granted..? But it's terrifying to know I might lose him. MIGHT. BUTTTTTTT very assuring at the same time to know he tries for our relationship. Hehe I know I'm so contradicting in this paragraph but yeah. As scared as I am for our future fights and arguments, I'm still thankful and blessed that I know I have someone I can walk through our problems together, and not give up or find an excuse to give up. If i had a second chance in love, I wouldn't choose anyone else. 爱死你了❤️

What did I fucking say? Will shit ever fucking end? 

"Everyone needs to work tomorrow. Come back so late." 

I'm so fucking sick of this god damn excuse. Fuck off. Make the mother fucking keys for me. To you mother fucking 12 is late, to us it's not. 

Mother fucking horrible week. Just drowning in the god damn thought of why a mother fucking 21 year old like me still has a god damn curfew. Not only that, I still get scolded every time i come back. I'm so fucking tired!!!!!!! Like why the fuck do i bother talking sooooooo much, saying how i feel about shit when they don't fucking listen!? NOBODY FUCKING LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY. Because if you ever LISTEN SHIT WON'T KEEP REPEATING ITSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

I think they're taking turns to mother fucking torture me. This fire in me is just waiting for a right time to explode again. I'm so tired already. 

While everyone in my clique are having a nice conversation, there i am sitting alone thinking it's already over 10pm. I should be heading home where everyone else is in a middle of a god damn catch up conversation. I'm so sick of this. When I came back he said "Cannot even tell me a timing that you're coming back." So what are you trying to say? If I say a timing you'll let me stay out? If that's the case I'll fucking tell you a timing. Not only happened today, happened yesterday too. I kept on asking what time he'll be back!?!!? And he didn't give me a god damn timing too?! HOW IS IT MY FAULT. HOW IS IT MY FUCKING FAULT. He kept asking me to go over to find him BUT HELLO HE THINK WHAT. It's so fucking late and that's a god damn private estate it's not my fucking house and the time I been there myself I took a god damn cab. I VERY RICH ISSIT. 

I think i'm a god damn toy to everyone's eyes. Like everyone can fucking throw shit at me and I should be an angel and be fine with it. But whenever I flare whenever I get mad I AM THE BAD PERSON. I AM THE ONE THAT'S UNREASONABLE FOREVER NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD SAY SORRY. 

 I really don't feel like living. Really. I'm slowly reaching that stage I just don't feel like tolerating anyone's nonsense anymore. 我心里面很痛苦。真的。。我不想说心里在想什么。我只会哭。。我恨我自己。我恨我的生命。。我很想哭。。

"Just tired"

She muttered.

But you could tell it was not just a lack of sleep,

but a lack of hope and happiness that made her act the way she did.

我累了。

fight for this love?

Back home, sitting on my comfy bed, thinking about life. Not very awesome thoughts but just on things I really wish I could change but somehow I just can't.

Many times I think if I'm a very big problem when it comes to emotions. It's such a big fat burden. I just feel like I'm not enough for anyone. I sometimes feel like I'm destined to be alone because no matter what I'm still gonna be miserable. I'm never gonna think about myself. So why should I torture the people around me. I make people around me feel like they're not enough. I make them feel like it's their fault for things that mostly two parties are at fault. I hate to feel so vulnerable. Yet sometimes I just think they're not capable of giving the love I need. Not saying they're not loving me at all, just saying my burdensome heart needs even more love than normal humans, WHICH IS WHY IT'S BURDENSOME.

I feel like a loser saying this but I literally try so damn hard to occupy my time to the fullest so as to not annoy Dylan. To not feel like I'm clingy as fuck. To not feel like I'm not okay with his busy lifestyle. Sometimes as long as this goes by I even feel like saying I miss you is so hard. I wish for him to show that he misses me more than me.. I don't want to be the one being so free for someone.. I feel so loserish like why am I like that. Even after the whole day of being out, once i'm back I'm back to feeling like shit. Amazing how my mind works.

I used to think his past schedule was busy because of overseas trips, because of random outfields, route marches and all. Now it's literally everyday and it's really damn saddening. I really wish to rewind... I wanna kinda knew if he knew me then and his schedule was this busy would he constantly blue tick me or try his bestest to reply me asap..? I don't even dare to say it now because he'll just say "I'm busy what. I'm doing things what." Like it makes me feel like I'm in the wrong to even feel the way I'm feeling. I sometimes think what's so hard to even give a response... I feel a little sad we're slowly reaching the stage where we care less about each other's daily messages. I refuse to wake up when I don't see his morning messages. I literally force myself back to sleep and wake up again. It automatically makes my day not so good when I don't see his name appear on my phone even after more than a year.. It's really coming. I'll never forget the days where I was so busy and he'd just constantly spam me because I was not replying. Those days are really long gone, unless we're fighting, which is not entirely pleasant..

All the things I know that'll come are just slowly coming as our relationship oldens. Nooooo :'( I mean getting used to it is one thing but not wanting it to happen is another... I really don't want it to happen but it's so hard. As much as I want to be okay with him neglecting me I also somehow wish he'd try to make up to the lost time. But no efforts at all.. I don't even know what I should do. I feel like I don't even wanna do anything because his excuse to me is that he's tired on the weekends. Then how.. Of course I wouldn't wanna do anything. Just really afraid if this continues this is not gonna turn out well. Pretty sad deep down I'm not gonna lie. But have no idea how to even talk about it, or if there is even a need to in case it starts an unnecessary misunderstanding..

I just basically miss how instead of getting into fights he'll try and understand why I'm feeling a certain way... Nowadays I'm even scared to feel sad in case a fight happens. Like why. Why is it like this.

A part of me feels like it'll get better once school starts. But really who knows.... We might really drift apart and I'm so scared. I wonder if he thinks about such things. As old as we get together as a couple I know my feelings from the beginning till now still stays the same. I never feel like I'm getting sick of this relationship... I always feel like we're only together for a short while.. I don't know if he feels it but we're just on the way to a not so good road.. In terms of feelings. He doesn't feel it now. Because he's busy..

I don't know?!?!?!!?!? Should I show more care? Should I act nonchalant about how I'm feeling? Should I just pretend to be fine when I'm not? I don't even freaking know. :( I just feel like a sad puppy with a busy boyfriend.

What's the meaning of sorry anymore..? What's so hard to tell the difference between being angry and disappointed? 

So much shit going through my mind the past week. I don't even know why but I just feel so annoyed from Monday till now. Legitly annoyed by myself. So tired of showing or telling how I feel because what for. 

Sucky to feel like this on the first day of lunar new year. But well.. It wasn't even gonna be good in the first place. Sucks. Someone turn my heart into ice.

Really disappointed. While I was there waiting for him to tell me he's home, he fell asleep. Should I applaud for him? Don't know anymore. Fucking migraine is killing me. Fucking throat is killing me. Fucking gotta get up at 10 tomorrow. Fuck my life. 

Today she definitely did it on purpose. I fucking hate how my brother acts like he doesn't hear his phone when 90% of the time he is on his mother fucking phone. When i bloody called home Winnie didn't even fucking pick up the damn call. The phone is just on top of her. She dare to say she didn't hear even if she was sleeping? Oh my god please THAT'S NONSENSE. Obviously my mother asked them not to fucking answer my call. I fucking called both my dad's phones. And it was turned off. When the first time I called it actually got through. Don't fucking tell me IT HAS NO BATTERY.

I fucking had enough of her shit. She came to open the damn door for me. I fucking opened my mouth and asked where was dad and she just fucking acted like she was mute and deaf. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH BITCH.

Really. I'm so tired of people. I'm literally giving up. Like on everyone. I really finally don't see the need to care that much. I don't fucking understand what I get back in return. Either my words are just UNHEARD or just simply UNIMPORTANT. So tired of talking. So tired of patching up with people.

Save me out of the hellhole. I'm living in hell. I don't know where I can find comfort from. I'm so tired. Please. 累死人。I wished everyday was like the baking day.

On a brighter note, I passed BTT. A starting point of getting a car license. 

Finally feel okay to blog. I think i pretty much have to thank my boyfriend cuz he's that cute in the afternoon it kinda cured away my headache over other stuff.

I had a really fun time with Yvonne and Jackson yesterday. It was a really short day out but so much laughter so much fun. I can't even remember when was the last time I laughed that much. I don't know maybe because we haven't hung out in so long it makes everything so much funnier. The last time all three of us hung out was new year eve 2014 and that kinda didn't even count because it was not really a good night. It was so nice reminiscing idiotic people with them and also disturbing each other hahahaha. Also baking was pretty much a fail but we laughed so much at all of our failness especially mine. I WAS PRETTY MUCH THE CLOWN OF THE NIGHT SO HILARIOUS..... Literally made a mess out of Yvonne's Kitchen. HAHA SO MUCH FUN OMG I can't wait to hang out with them again. JIO ME OUTTTTT hehe. So nice to talk without filters with each other. HASHTAG NOFILTER~~~

Everytime i think back about how I even got close with them it's just hella weird. Really. Never in my entire life would I thought I'd be hanging out with Jackson and Yvonne together but it just happened ever since we graduated. LULZ DAHECKZ. Actually it was always like he had something for her and what not but yesterday finally felt like we're just all friends hanging out together. NEVER FELT THAT IN QUITE A DAMN LONG TIME.

Tomorrow's D-DAY! Finally taking my BTT test tomorrow and PLEASE JUST PASS SHANETTE GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH. Pretty stoked to start practical but KINDA SCARED AT THE SAME TIME. I'm not that lucky wIth instructors what if i get one that screams at me. SOBS must pass must pass!!!!!!!!

Crying my eyes out. 

I can't deal with life anymore. I just want to die. 

Sleepless every night. Hopeless mother fucking life. It's really just WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HAPPY 

I feel so tortured everyday in this house. The aura and the vibes it gives me. How much energy it drains out of me. Omg fuck I'm really jealous of happy families. Ok end of story. I think I'm really just meant to be in this horrible state and like my boyfriend can't even help me or be emphatic because he would then tell me he don't even have his family by his side so I can't even say anything. This sucks ok 

Where's my happy land? Everything just makes me feel sucky. To watch snapchats of classmates hang out together without a single jio. WHERES THE JIO. I don't even fucking know what makes me happy anymore. I fucking hate this. 

My family is fucked up. Me and my boyfriend aren't really settling because who knows we might quarrel anytime again. Sucks. 

I feel so homesick. But I don't even feel home anywhere. I don't. Where do I belong? 

Feel mother fucking vulnerable. When the relationship becomes dull no one puts in the effort to make it livelier. We're all simply dying. I'm just hoping a car will bang me anytime soon. Omg :'( 

I'm just sad okay. I feel so alone. I really do. And it sucks. This emptiness. It's not going away. All these so called problems are tearing me apart. 

As fine as we can be now, somethings are bound to happen again. Maybe when we meet. Maybe when we don't have time for each other. I don't know. Just not assured at all. Just hate feeling like this. I can't decide whether to 看开 and not think so much and let it be and maybe we'll just drift away, or just feel fucked up about it. I really don't. Argh please :'( I feel sucky. I really do.