fight for this love?

Back home, sitting on my comfy bed, thinking about life. Not very awesome thoughts but just on things I really wish I could change but somehow I just can't.

Many times I think if I'm a very big problem when it comes to emotions. It's such a big fat burden. I just feel like I'm not enough for anyone. I sometimes feel like I'm destined to be alone because no matter what I'm still gonna be miserable. I'm never gonna think about myself. So why should I torture the people around me. I make people around me feel like they're not enough. I make them feel like it's their fault for things that mostly two parties are at fault. I hate to feel so vulnerable. Yet sometimes I just think they're not capable of giving the love I need. Not saying they're not loving me at all, just saying my burdensome heart needs even more love than normal humans, WHICH IS WHY IT'S BURDENSOME.

I feel like a loser saying this but I literally try so damn hard to occupy my time to the fullest so as to not annoy Dylan. To not feel like I'm clingy as fuck. To not feel like I'm not okay with his busy lifestyle. Sometimes as long as this goes by I even feel like saying I miss you is so hard. I wish for him to show that he misses me more than me.. I don't want to be the one being so free for someone.. I feel so loserish like why am I like that. Even after the whole day of being out, once i'm back I'm back to feeling like shit. Amazing how my mind works.

I used to think his past schedule was busy because of overseas trips, because of random outfields, route marches and all. Now it's literally everyday and it's really damn saddening. I really wish to rewind... I wanna kinda knew if he knew me then and his schedule was this busy would he constantly blue tick me or try his bestest to reply me asap..? I don't even dare to say it now because he'll just say "I'm busy what. I'm doing things what." Like it makes me feel like I'm in the wrong to even feel the way I'm feeling. I sometimes think what's so hard to even give a response... I feel a little sad we're slowly reaching the stage where we care less about each other's daily messages. I refuse to wake up when I don't see his morning messages. I literally force myself back to sleep and wake up again. It automatically makes my day not so good when I don't see his name appear on my phone even after more than a year.. It's really coming. I'll never forget the days where I was so busy and he'd just constantly spam me because I was not replying. Those days are really long gone, unless we're fighting, which is not entirely pleasant..

All the things I know that'll come are just slowly coming as our relationship oldens. Nooooo :'( I mean getting used to it is one thing but not wanting it to happen is another... I really don't want it to happen but it's so hard. As much as I want to be okay with him neglecting me I also somehow wish he'd try to make up to the lost time. But no efforts at all.. I don't even know what I should do. I feel like I don't even wanna do anything because his excuse to me is that he's tired on the weekends. Then how.. Of course I wouldn't wanna do anything. Just really afraid if this continues this is not gonna turn out well. Pretty sad deep down I'm not gonna lie. But have no idea how to even talk about it, or if there is even a need to in case it starts an unnecessary misunderstanding..

I just basically miss how instead of getting into fights he'll try and understand why I'm feeling a certain way... Nowadays I'm even scared to feel sad in case a fight happens. Like why. Why is it like this.

A part of me feels like it'll get better once school starts. But really who knows.... We might really drift apart and I'm so scared. I wonder if he thinks about such things. As old as we get together as a couple I know my feelings from the beginning till now still stays the same. I never feel like I'm getting sick of this relationship... I always feel like we're only together for a short while.. I don't know if he feels it but we're just on the way to a not so good road.. In terms of feelings. He doesn't feel it now. Because he's busy..

I don't know?!?!?!!?!? Should I show more care? Should I act nonchalant about how I'm feeling? Should I just pretend to be fine when I'm not? I don't even freaking know. :( I just feel like a sad puppy with a busy boyfriend.