Its funny how overtime, I grew so dependent on the relationship that I thought was stable. Suddenly thrown to be left alone is so hard to manage. I understand that people will go through changes and phases in their lives. I don't like to feel like I'm a burden. I don't like to feel like 我是多余的. I would just minus myself out of the equation most of the time if I feel that way. Cuz 有我没有我也是一样.

A relationship is supposed to be a bonus support for humans. It's supposed to be a safe haven, not a burden. A relationship is supposed to be two people fighting for the same future. A relationship is supposed to consist of problems that we solve together. Now I just feel so alone.. Like he's there and yet not there.. His mind seems to be floating somewhere else. Anywhere but near me..

Even though I think friends are important, but to me having just one person who loves me a lot by my side is honestly more than enough. Yet now I feel like I'm being forced to step out of my comfort zone, have a life outside of my love life so I won't be a burden.

I remember we were so happy in December.. I remember telling us that 2018 would be a good year.. Times will never return again.. When will I ever genuinely feel happy again? This is a never ending deep black hole and I feel so so sad. I feel like this is just the beginning of everything that is gonna unveil.. & I'm really not prepared for it. I need it to become better.. I'm getting so negative and it's eating me inside out and sooner or later I will just.... idk shut down T_T Memories will only stay as memories.. We can never get it back.. I thought we were fine.. I thought we were alright.. What the hell happened. It's so saddening and yet? It's something I simply need to accept.

Going through the terrible grief model all over again.. Right now I'm just thinking if he's always only thinking for himself only, then shouldn't I also put myself first..? Shouldn't a relationship be all about compromises and patience and just understanding.. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I wanna make out and be all over each other when we're drunk and high, not angry and miserable and just simply spoiling the entire day's out..
I wanna talk about the future and plannings, not fixing the things that were already once fixed..
I wanna be the one that is able to get through you even when the rest of the world doesn't..

It just doesn't seem this way anymore..

I miss the feeling of being loved so irrevocably.. I feel so unimportant.. So alone.. I don't know who or what am I fighting for anymore.. Slowly day by day just losing it's faith.. T_T

I really loved the video posted. 

Being in a relationship for 3 years, living our 4th now, I've come to realised that it is not about being with the right one or wrong one. Everything we do is about choice. A relationship does not last because, 1) communication breakdown 2) personality differences 3) one gives up. It is never about fate. It is never about leaving it up to god to decide because ultimately you yourself knows what you want.. If you truly wanted that person to be the person you want to spend your whole life with, you'd dedicate your entire life trying to get to know this person. Your precious time to cultivate good things into the person's mind. You would wanna grow together and move into the next phase of life together. For that to happen it is so important for our goals to be the same.. 

I remember so vividly the day I gave up on this relationship. Because at that point of time it was very very clear that we were not having the same end goal in mind and no matter how hard we tried to fix it, one party was never taking the other seriously. I told myself "just let it go by the flow.." Deep down I knew I gave up on this relationship already. I knew it was coming to an end soon but I refuse to make the decision to end it. I couldn't let go of all the memories I had with this guy. I couldn't let go of how much I've given this guy. I pictured my entire life with this guy and I was so willing to do whatever to make us work but he didn't felt the same way. He was piled up by other worries and to me it just showed me that he couldn't handle a relationship. Because I had that "let it go by the flow" mindset, everything just continuously went downhill as expected. In my relationship, if he gives up on us I'd always pull the whole thing back together. I know that if one day I really see no hope anymore, we're doomed for. We'll be gone for good. That's why it was so hard for me to decide. It was so hard for me to just let go of something I used to hold on so tightly to.. This decision took me so long to decide.

Only after I decided, he decided to get his shit together and "wake up".. He tried to make me feel like things will be better and he kept continuously tell me things will be different this time round. My heart just know that if things could be better, it would have been better when we were together. Why do we have to wait till things are so bad already then come change it? Girls will forever be girls. I was so heartbroken at that time but I couldn't show it if not he wouldn't take me seriously. In my head I was thinking time and time again why couldn't he have treated me this nice when we were together..? Why couldn't he make me feel assured by showing me this side of him? I never knew how much he wanted me in his life until he lost me. All those while when we fought he made it seem like I was very replaceable.. I had no one to talk to and I literally had to go out smiling my life away. I remember how I used to cry anywhere with anyone. It was that bad and I became someone I completely didn't know. That point of time made me tell myself that if I continued being the way I am no one will ever take me seriously. People will just continuously take advantage of me regardless of whether the person claims he loves me or not. 

I was still so hurt and I was so scared to try again. My heart was so soft honestly but what can I do? I just couldn't bare to face all the heartaches that were to come in the future if I gave him back a chance. I was so damn scared and the best part of it all is NO ONE IS HERE FOR ME. I am all by myself. Me myself and fucking I. In my mind I know no guy will ever stay for me. It's just fucking bullshit he told me he'd wait for me till he cleared his debts. I just totally couldn't believe it at all and true enough not even 3months into trying he gave up on me.. He blamed me for being too harsh. He blamed me for not appreciating his efforts.. But a question, weren't you the one who wanted to wait regardless..? Weren't you the one who kept telling me I was worth it? I told you to think again many times. I told you there'd be someone better for you.. What did you do? You still wanted me.. You told me you still wanted me so how can you go back on your words..? I don't wanna mention everything I found out after that cuz those were also just true heartbreak that I shouldn't have felt..

I appreciated those times you tried to amend ur mistakes. But why must there only be mistakes for you to start treating me nice. This is one big question mark that I don't understand.. 

Many relationships become stale because it's just commitment. There's no longer love in the relationship. Today when I heard that you're no longer scared to lose me, my heart broke so much. Because then what's the difference between us and any other couples anymore? There's no difference at all.. Because now I'm categorised as any other girl. When you're scared to lose someone because he/she has been a part of your life and losing that part of your life means losing a part of yourself. What's the difference between now and 2016 again..? He just made me feel like it makes no difference at all whether or not he has me really. I don't know where to find my faith from I don't know who to talk to because there's no one I can talk to. I thought no matter what he's the one but now the person whom I want to spend my life with changes his thought from "No matter what we will be together" to "Just let it go by the flow". He is leaving his decision to god means he is not afraid of any risks that are to happen in the future. How am I gonna be able to build the courage to give my 1000% to someone I know won't give me his? I really trusted his "I won't give up on you no matter what" sentence. I built my faith on that and held on to that regardless of all our quarrels.. Now that is gone and I just literally don't know what I'm fighting for.. How am I supposed to go by the flow? I know very firmly what I want for us. Does he not know? Does he not want it anymore? 

Even until now when I'm typing this I want to badly to solve this problem. I just want a guy to love me unconditionally. I thought this guy was him but why is he changing into somebody else.. I want that guy back but theres no point telling him that because he'd blame me for it.. I'm holding on because I know it's deep down somewhere. But how long into this darkness will there be light again...? I'm scared of falling into depression again. I feel myself going into it again and I'm trying damn hard to pull myself out of it.. He's what causes me pain and yet he's the only one that can bring my sanity back.. My eyes are so tired of crying T_T I just want things to be normal I just need to feel safe.. I feel super unsafe now and I just feel like jumping into that pool of black depression.. 

Regardless of how he tells me he's here for me, he is just not being on the same boat as me. He leaves all these emotional thoughts to myself. He's not here to solve it with me. I wish I can share this with him. I wish we can work things out. But now I'm just scared. & what's his reply to me...? He tells me I can choose not to be.

I want it to work.. I want us to have a future.. How can I stay strong if the person I love is not on the same boat as me. He's been telling me how it will not work if I'm not giving my all and I've been working so hard on that, literally betting 90% of my life on this person and suddenly now he tells me he's not scared of losing me. Like I'm nothing at all anymore. 

Help. Shower me with love.. I don't know what to do.. I don't feel safe..

Maybe I just really suck as a person and maybe, like he said, "go with the flow" and I'll follow god's will to stay alone like I always knew I would.. Such a long process to make myself strong and now I'm back at it again.. Sobs I can't even stop myself from crying nowadays. Where's the light to this..? I want assurance.. I want love.. And all that I want is only from one person.. 

I miss the days when no one knew about us. It was a mistake to let Liqian know about us. It was a mistake to let her go Taipei with us. Everything that we tried to fix, everything just went back to square 1. It sucks not having anyone to confide in. But it sucks even more when you try so hard to let people close to you see the good side of things but end up just seeing every bad side of it. All because of one stupid move, our cover has been blown. I'm so tired yet again. I hate people who go against me. I hate to know that people don't support me. If that's the case I'd rather cut off all ties.

You once told me that you'd prove to be a better person in front of them to let them accept you. Instead because of something so minor just because of that everything is now in a shitty position. To you its easy because none of them are close to you. But for me I'm always the middle person. I'm always the person that they feel i'm doing something wrong. Ask me why I'm always disappointed. I'm always disappointed because you're not doing the things you promised you'd do. & Instead of trying even harder, most times you just give up like its no longer worth it.

I'm torn right now. I just feel like I'm no longer worth it to you tbh. At random times I just feel no matter how much I say to you or nag, you yourself have no desire to change at all. Sobs. God tell me what to do.