Its funny how overtime, I grew so dependent on the relationship that I thought was stable. Suddenly thrown to be left alone is so hard to manage. I understand that people will go through changes and phases in their lives. I don't like to feel like I'm a burden. I don't like to feel like 我是多余的. I would just minus myself out of the equation most of the time if I feel that way. Cuz 有我没有我也是一样.

A relationship is supposed to be a bonus support for humans. It's supposed to be a safe haven, not a burden. A relationship is supposed to be two people fighting for the same future. A relationship is supposed to consist of problems that we solve together. Now I just feel so alone.. Like he's there and yet not there.. His mind seems to be floating somewhere else. Anywhere but near me..

Even though I think friends are important, but to me having just one person who loves me a lot by my side is honestly more than enough. Yet now I feel like I'm being forced to step out of my comfort zone, have a life outside of my love life so I won't be a burden.

I remember we were so happy in December.. I remember telling us that 2018 would be a good year.. Times will never return again.. When will I ever genuinely feel happy again? This is a never ending deep black hole and I feel so so sad. I feel like this is just the beginning of everything that is gonna unveil.. & I'm really not prepared for it. I need it to become better.. I'm getting so negative and it's eating me inside out and sooner or later I will just.... idk shut down T_T Memories will only stay as memories.. We can never get it back.. I thought we were fine.. I thought we were alright.. What the hell happened. It's so saddening and yet? It's something I simply need to accept.

Going through the terrible grief model all over again.. Right now I'm just thinking if he's always only thinking for himself only, then shouldn't I also put myself first..? Shouldn't a relationship be all about compromises and patience and just understanding.. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I wanna make out and be all over each other when we're drunk and high, not angry and miserable and just simply spoiling the entire day's out..
I wanna talk about the future and plannings, not fixing the things that were already once fixed..
I wanna be the one that is able to get through you even when the rest of the world doesn't..

It just doesn't seem this way anymore..

I miss the feeling of being loved so irrevocably.. I feel so unimportant.. So alone.. I don't know who or what am I fighting for anymore.. Slowly day by day just losing it's faith.. T_T