A part of me can't let go of the dance life. I regretted not putting in enough effort. I regretted skipping sooooloo many classes just because I lost my motivation. I regretted giving up on the one thing that kept the flame inside me going and also the flame that disappears every single time. I feel terribly nostalgic right now. How I wasted 6 months of my life doing something I hate so much just because I choose to skip my interview for arts management due to stress. I wasted 6 fucking months.....?....... I can't comprehend that it's 6 months that I wasted. I told myself it's okay to be out of the dance world it's okay. But no... I see how my friends are getting shit every now and then and I'm just down here feeling depressed over it all the time. No one knows but yeah... It's depressing.. 

It's still kinda my dream to be someone who's able to teach what I know, at least alittle bit of dance information I have to someone out there, before all these dance body vocabulary goes away from my body. Leaving me fat and lousy and just nothing special about me anymore. That's how I'm feeling right now. What's so special about me? 

I used to be the dancer. I used to be the flexible one. I used to be the one who's able to prove people wrong. I used to be called curvy because of my small waist. Now what am I? I'm just someone who has not been dancing regularly, totally lost the swag in me, totally lost my "healthiness", totally lost my body shape.. I just feel like I'm left with nothing.. This depression really can't get any worse.. 

My attempt to try to wear beautiful clothes doesn't help...? How can I wear beautiful clothes when I'm constantly putting on weight due to this depression..? It's depression on top of depression and really I can't take it.. My attempt to look attractive fails all the time because I haven't been going out at all... Only slacking at my boyfriends house, and everytime sleeping which makes me feel abit shitty about myself because I want to be out dressed up and just flaunting myself regardless of how fat I am. I just want to feel fabulous. But I don't get the chance to. 

I don't know how to explain this to my boyfriend because it's really something he wouldn't understand. Maybe he does but just not as much as how it affects me to get depressed from these sort of things all the time. He always tells me like no matter what I become no matter how I look he'll still love me. Yeah I geddit I know he loves me but I don't love myself if I become something I don't like to see. I mean I already don't love myself. Becoming uglier or fatter just makes my feelings for myself worse.. I really don't know how to get out of this state... I want to feel beautiful but I feel so ugly all the time :'( How does this work.... 

There are kinda sides of me I am still not able to show him. I'm just not prepared. I just don't know what he'll think of me. Maybe he'll think I need help from a professional.. Maybe I do but I just don't want him to be the one to judge me. And because of my crazy insecurities that he probably doesn't know about me makes me feel like he deserves better looking people. Why does he have to be stuck with someone that seriously has so many issues with herself that she can't even solve....? 

I want to cry right now. I want to feel fabulous. I want to have flawless skin. Beautiful hair. Beautiful brows. Just give it to me. Why is it so hard. I want to feel beautiful for once, please :'( 

Haven't been blogging at all.. Hais I miss how convenient it was to do everything when my laptop was still working... I swear I wish money grew on trees sometimes. 

I've officially left hell. Have been pretty much just chilling ever since I left. I'm not bored of it, I'm kinda enjoying this nothingness. Because how long in a long while do you get to do nothing all day everyday? Really not long...

My December is gonna be packed. I feel excited but I'm stressed at the same time. Like why's time passing so quickly... Can it slow down??? It's been a nice November honestly. I love the last 2 months of the year. It just gives me lots of good vibes. The past few weeks made me feel like this whole year was not shitty at all though it totally was one helluva fucked up year..  

I can't believe I'm gonna be a student again. Of course once again I'm looking forward to it and when it starts I'm gonna cry everyday. WHY IS LIFE SO TOUGH. Why is life always looking greener on the other side? 

I feel alittle unhappy sometimes when I'm out with my friends. There are those days when I wished my boyfriend's lifestyle was kinda like mine. It's like places I go with my friends I wished I was with my boyfriend instead. But when I think back it wouldn't be the same because my boyfriend is just not that kind of person. Take cafe hopping for example. So many places I wanna go at holland v cuz it's kinda changed alittle since the last time I been there. If I go with my friends I feel at ease. I don't have to worry about spending too much because it's affordable.. When I go out with him in so stressed like why must he pay everything... I'd feel so much better and I'd enjoy so much better if I paid for my own things and still be able to enjoy the vibe.. I can travel around on public transport with my friends and regardless of how tired we are we'll still take it anyway because that's our lifestyle.. But it's not his. Sigh to the pie it's just mehhhhh. I think of things like just randomly traveling all the way to jurong just for fun. But no I doubt it'll be fun for him. he'll just dread the long bus/train ride and end up suggesting to cab. It's not that I wanna go jurong? It's just that I like long journeys sometimes it just give us time to be together and stuff. Not always staying indoors and all.. 

Aiyo I'm so crazy right now I wanna see him.. How liddat? life is horrible when I can't sleep. Life is horrible when I have a horrible sore throat. Life is horrible when I can't see my guy when I miss him like crazy. Life is horrible when there's so much to I want to do but hais forever worrying about money.. Am I 40 years old or 20 years old why the fuck am I worrying about money. God damn it.... :(