A part of me can't let go of the dance life. I regretted not putting in enough effort. I regretted skipping sooooloo many classes just because I lost my motivation. I regretted giving up on the one thing that kept the flame inside me going and also the flame that disappears every single time. I feel terribly nostalgic right now. How I wasted 6 months of my life doing something I hate so much just because I choose to skip my interview for arts management due to stress. I wasted 6 fucking months.....?....... I can't comprehend that it's 6 months that I wasted. I told myself it's okay to be out of the dance world it's okay. But no... I see how my friends are getting shit every now and then and I'm just down here feeling depressed over it all the time. No one knows but yeah... It's depressing.. 

It's still kinda my dream to be someone who's able to teach what I know, at least alittle bit of dance information I have to someone out there, before all these dance body vocabulary goes away from my body. Leaving me fat and lousy and just nothing special about me anymore. That's how I'm feeling right now. What's so special about me? 

I used to be the dancer. I used to be the flexible one. I used to be the one who's able to prove people wrong. I used to be called curvy because of my small waist. Now what am I? I'm just someone who has not been dancing regularly, totally lost the swag in me, totally lost my "healthiness", totally lost my body shape.. I just feel like I'm left with nothing.. This depression really can't get any worse.. 

My attempt to try to wear beautiful clothes doesn't help...? How can I wear beautiful clothes when I'm constantly putting on weight due to this depression..? It's depression on top of depression and really I can't take it.. My attempt to look attractive fails all the time because I haven't been going out at all... Only slacking at my boyfriends house, and everytime sleeping which makes me feel abit shitty about myself because I want to be out dressed up and just flaunting myself regardless of how fat I am. I just want to feel fabulous. But I don't get the chance to. 

I don't know how to explain this to my boyfriend because it's really something he wouldn't understand. Maybe he does but just not as much as how it affects me to get depressed from these sort of things all the time. He always tells me like no matter what I become no matter how I look he'll still love me. Yeah I geddit I know he loves me but I don't love myself if I become something I don't like to see. I mean I already don't love myself. Becoming uglier or fatter just makes my feelings for myself worse.. I really don't know how to get out of this state... I want to feel beautiful but I feel so ugly all the time :'( How does this work.... 

There are kinda sides of me I am still not able to show him. I'm just not prepared. I just don't know what he'll think of me. Maybe he'll think I need help from a professional.. Maybe I do but I just don't want him to be the one to judge me. And because of my crazy insecurities that he probably doesn't know about me makes me feel like he deserves better looking people. Why does he have to be stuck with someone that seriously has so many issues with herself that she can't even solve....? 

I want to cry right now. I want to feel fabulous. I want to have flawless skin. Beautiful hair. Beautiful brows. Just give it to me. Why is it so hard. I want to feel beautiful for once, please :'(