Should've known

Sigh the person I want to text with doesn't like to text. The people that I don't want to freaking reply are forever talking to me. God can't y'all get the signs and just forget it. Haiya I'm so annoyed. Everytime my phone rings I have this slight hope that it's him. And then...... no. Make me meh for nothing. MEH! Whatever la I've already gotten used to it la

"Something that I feel I need to say, but up till now I've always been afraid that you would never come around. And yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain. Cuz I've been afraid that you would walk away. It pains me to say that I'll be there at the end of the day." 

Ah my heart. Sigh to the pie. Wait die me. But I should be contented that at least things are okay now. Right? Lol, 1 more month to go. I've waited for 3 months 1 more month is nothing... I don't know la. It's always the last month that goes very slow for me. I mean technically I only have classes for another 3 weeks but.... school only officially ends in the first week of May. Other people probably have their assessments till then. Only School of Dance have assessments this early.. LOL

SUMMER BREAK I WANT MY SUMMER BREAK.... Will things get better by then? Will there be less excuses? Will it will it will it?

Don't understand this word "love". I really don't. Was asking around just now. Oh my god. "I think i love him, because even though he's treating me like this I still want to give him so much more. I still try and I still care for him. So maybe that's love?" One of my friends gave me this as an answer. Another one was "I knew I love him when I lost him. It was when he started ignoring me that I know how much he meant to me."

No one believed me when I said I knew that if I waited, something good will come out of it. Everyone thought I was crazy. Well even I thought I was too, honestly. I was losing hope as each day passes and I really don't know where I find that faith to keep it going. Like faaaak shan's heart is ridiculous. -_- Even up till now I'm still like..... What the hell am I doing... Didn't I say that it was the last time..... G o d . . . . . He comes back at the very point when I'm about to give up totally. Like at the exact moment. I don't even know how it's so accurate. Same as last year....

I... believe in your words. Or rather, I believe in my intuition. Okay so because of that I'm just going to.... trust you. 1 more month. I don't know I'm just gonna have to believe. What else can I do right

29th March

So my Saturday was spent on Rifdee's birthday. He invited me last minute and....... I actually can't believe I went. This is the first time ever that I went to a party without people that I'm comfortable with. I went alone yo alone. It was such a yolo decision. Performance kids were asking like "where's the rest? oh you come alone ah?" Don't know what to answer. Whoops. :\ I wouldn't say I regretted going but.... what now? I still don't get it. I know some things are not meant to have answers to it. I still feel like I'm left hanging. I guess I have to wait again, for this one whole month of hectic assessments to be over, for me to know anything.

Roif told Rif: Ah wanted to photobomb 

But I already took the photo so he walked away. 

Me: Hahaha want to take together???? 

Roif: -Hesitates....- Hmmm OK!

So cute omg Roif 

Afiq and his sexy cleavage!! Hahaha

Me: What face is that!

Shafiq: -Sly smile- Hahaha act cute face

Left his chalet at 10.30 and had trouble calling the cab. I don't know whether to wait at the entrance of the chalet or outside the bungalow. So confused. Rif and Shafiq accompanied me to wait for the taxi at the chalet's entrance. I also don't know what Shafiq was telling the uncle also. But whatever it was the taxi still came in the end. So fast some more!!! So thankful.

Went to find Luv and co at Clarke Quay!! It was the first time Jingwen's clubbing!! Gosh I was excited at first. Like even though I had so little booze I was still excited. But it was a lil too early to dance but they danced anyway. I was conscious because..... yeah I was so damn sober and the dance floor only had us. No one else was dancing. Cray jingwen is cray~~

I was so tired at around 1ish and at 2 I already started becoming even more sober. Suddenly we had a cypher going on. Like fak I was too sober to enjoy. It was like showcasing your talent and I'm like dang girl no moves here. & Jingwen kept pushing me into the circle and I'm like yo hi yeah sober girl here only knows how to split. I was okay with the cypher though, but it was going on for so damn long and no one else was moving. We became the centre of attention. AGAIN. -_- Yeah had no mood after that so I went home at 4. But nevertheless it was fun with Jingwen!!!!~~~~~ Yay you're no longer a club virgin!!! Woohoo!!!

Show em boobiez 

Reached home and got lectured by my father. Lol. They really don't understand how good of a daughter I am in comparison to other people's daughters. Don't compare me to a nerd that comes home at 6pm or someone who's like..... idk man, from another world from me. Compare me with someone that is at least living the kind of life I'm living. At least I know my limits. & It's not like I'm doing this everyday man. If I go to a bar yeah okay, coming home at 1 or 2 is understandable. But I freaking went to party. What the hell. Whatever la since I'm living off them I can't say anything right. I'll just have to wait till I earn my own money and then I'll have my own say in my own life. For now I'll just listen. Fuck la. 

Dreamt of the same person two nights in a row. Wow shan. But Winnie had to disrupt my dream. So I can't remember it anymore!!!! Sucks. Alright.... The long awaited 29th of March is over... Really didn't expect it to be this happening but okay. Back to reality again. Gonna get thru the next 3 weeks. I don't know how but alright I can do this!!! Next thing to look forward to, is definitely the holidays. So close. So so close. 

Miracles

Hello guys do you miss me. Cuz I don't lol

Finally the end of the week..... I survived.... Be proud of me my readers... I never even skip any classes this week despite of my insanely pain shin splints and my extremely aching body. Like crazy ache. There's an awkward bruise on my buttock and it hurts every time I sit down. Consequences of not landing properly during class. Sighpiez. Been rushing this assignment that assignment here there everywhere. Goodness me like why. Want to kill myself already. Totally wishing a car would just run me down anytime soon. Lol touch wood but yeah.

Slept at like 2ish on thursday cuz of work. Also thinking what would happen if I don't manage to give him his present cuz I might not bump into him... I told myself I would keep it for myself to wear if I have no fate to see him. Lol. I dreamt of him last night.... Yet again. It makes me so sad that my dreams are so much better than reality.

"Everytime I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you. I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight."

Okay so god was on my side this time and I managed to pass him his gift. Don't really know what kind of reaction was that but okay. My job's done.... Yay to the last day of showing my feelings for you. Time to say goodbye to this unrequited crush. Happy birthday.

I still stand by my own rule: To club only when I'm sad or stressed. Yup I'm so happy I have something on tomorrow night. Keep me off of school and assessments and any other shitty stuff I wish I can throw them all away. 

For the whole of last night I really felt like shit man really really felt like shit. I felt like I was ready to let go of it all yet....... I still felt like it hurts. Why sia why shan you're crazy. Daddy and mummy was singing karaoke in the living room so i joined them. DIDN'T HELPED ME. ONLY MADE ME SADDER. BECAUSE I CHOSE SAD SONGS. Like Avril Lavigne's Happy Ending. Lana Del Rey's Dark Paradise and Summertime Sadness.... What the hell man. Sang till like 11ish I decided to stop making people cry with my horrible voice and just drown in my own sorrows. Sad Friday night.... 

Then......... suddenly some sort of a miracle happened. Don't even know what's going now though. I really don't know la fuck I'm so mad. Sigh...... Supposed to be my studying day. But now liddat how to study? Study what? No matter how many reasons there are to walk away from all of these, I would still find one to stay. 

My Saturday's plans changed all of a sudden. This is so unexpected. SOOOOOOO unexpected. OK YOLO. 2014 is my yolo year. Please pray for me that i survive tonight. Thank you thank you lord too 

"Out of sight, out of mind?" Nah

Here's me and mummy's fail attempt to sexy wink y'all 

Finally bought a new power bank. Gosh my iPhone 5s battery is fucked up. Haven't been able to survive without a power bank for the past 2 months. 

Met up with my girls again today. I am feeling very neutral today. I am not happy, neither am I sad. I'm not dreading school tomorrow because my body's not aching. I'm like worried about deadlines yet I'm quite cool about it because I'm such a last minute person when it comes to work. 

It's okay to care, even when you shouldn't.

"In too many circumstances lead with doubt and indecision, we find ourselves compelled to pick choices at the opposite ends of a spectrum ---- an all or nothing mentality. When love is unreciprocated or relationships end badly, often the pain is too difficult to bear. Solid friendships that blossomed into romance are discontinued and never the same again, until the heart finds a way to mend itself and find the courage to start anew."

"We seek to escape from being shackled by lingering emotional remnants, an ostensible repercussion of being in the middle. That explains why we sometimes choose to forget that person entirely, or languish in a vortex of bitterness and hatred to cushion our ego. Indulging in spiteful gratification comforts us that we are in control of ourselves. We do what we do to make ourselves feel better, whatever it takes to alleviate the sting of a bad break-up or unrequited love. It is the easy way out, and the most effective." 

Exactly how I felt. I did what I could to divert my attention to somewhere else. One distraction after another. Because it was the easy way out. 

"Perhaps the pain could be lessened by coming to terms with the fact that it is ultimately okay to still care, to always care about someone whether as a friend or not. And perhaps that is the truest, most unconditional form of love. To be able to put yourself down to a level where you know the love may never be returned, but you refuse to short change your feelings. To not berate yourself for being a lovelorn fool caring for someone who may not feel anything more for you, but accepting that these are the way things are now. Accept that it is okay to feel this way. It is okay to still care about a particular someone while you are going through the tedious journey of getting over him or her, and it is possible for both mentalities to co-exist at the same time. In essence, you are learning to respect yourself by respecting your feelings." 

I need to get this in my head. I need to be able to accept this. & stop hating myself for holding on to nothing. Stop pretending like I don't care because I feel like the one who cares less has more power. I need to stop convincing myself that all this is nothing. Major sad face. Cray feelings will probably only kick in during the holidays. When I know there's no more school excuses that he can use and yet he's still not talking to me. When I know that his phone is in perfect condition yet he's not texting me. He chooses not to. Maybe I'm just waiting for that moment. Then maybe it'll all sink in and I can finally move onto the next phase of my life. Lol 

Gosh random articles that I read always hit me like crazy. It's like every single day there is definitely 1 article that's so darn relatable to my life. 

Woohoo school again tomorrow. Just 4 more weeks to go. This feels like my life in Sec 3. 4 weeks to decide whether I'll promote or retain. Life's so tough. I really want my holidays. I want to sleep and wake up and go like WOW THERE'S NOTHING TO DO TODAY. Lol 

He needs to get it and move the fuck on. Gosh I think I've never been so irritated by someone ever. I'm not interested in knowing you, not interested in your life, not interested to know how much you miss me, not interested at fucking all. I don't even care if you're desperate or if you're geniune I just don't. Because to me you're nothing. Right now I am being too nice and YOU STILL DONT GET IT. Gosh. This person made me understand how chemistry and feelings and attraction really matter. It just doesn't work okay it doesn't. It's not like I didn't try. 

So much work due. So little time left. 

All those random thoughts that comes into mind at random timings. All those random dreams. What's holding me back exactly? What's making me wait and wait and wait? I don't geddit!!!! Gosh I'm gonna kill myself for saying this but Friday's the last time I'm doing something. Yes really last time already. Then I'm giving myself till summer break. FINALLY A BREAK AGAIN. By then it should all be over. The saddest part of this whole bullshit is that it was a choice made by the one who got away. 

I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. Thru this whole waiting process I met retarded people did retarded stuff and still am waiting. Nope I regret nothing. I honestly thought D could've been a nice friend to hold onto. I secretly wish I could bump into him like in afew months time and things would be normal. Or maybe even know him again. Lol don't know la fuck 

So much feelings for what shan you need to learn to be stone k. 

Getting more and more creeped out by this person and I don''t even know what to do. Someone teach me how to tell someone to fuck off in a nice manner. Someone seriously needs to teach me. Either that or I'm just gonna play my silent game already. Gosh this is not happening. Demi Lovato's Something We're Not is seriously dedicated to you. NOT GONNA HAPPEN DUDE

"I should've known when I got you alone

                                                 That you were way too into me to know

This isn't love boy, this ain't even close

But you always think we're something that we're not"

I miss being free. I never even bloody commit to anything yet I feel like I did. Wtf? I only like it when the person i like is clingy to me. NOT the person I have no feelings for. -_- God. Irritating me so much I don't even know what to say. These kinda things how to force? Give me a break already and just make things easy for me. Go away. Lol. The best part is that I even told him already. I TOLD. It's not like I didn't. He just couldn't get it. Gawd you burdensome piece of shiat. I'm gonna get karma from all these. Yeah I know. The karma is not getting who I want. Yeah I already am receiving my karma. So whatevers. 

Really not liking the Winstedt project. Anything to do with Winstedt I hate la. Stupid place. How can LASALLE's second campus be so lousy and shitty looking and all. I can't understand. Even normal secondary schools look way nicer. Windstedt just feels too sad k. Gives me too much sad vibes. I don't like. But I like that school starts at 9 everyday this week. I swear if school is at 9 everyday I won't even freaking be late lor. Sigh stupid school. 30minutes really makes a super huge difference okay. 

Sigh all those waiting for dinners to happen aint even gonna happen anymore. This is sadness. Maybe that's why this whole week I'm so dazed. I can literally be alone the whole day and not even notice. I hate people who create drama. LIKE WHY THE FUCK. Why? -_- Nothing to look forward to, living life from day to day. Waiting for sky to drop. Waiting for happy moments to miraculously happen.. 

Want to sleep but everyday get tormented by the winstedt project. Kanasai tell me what is life. & I honestly can't get over the fact that I might get retained. Lol do I seriously wanna fucking retain? -_- God I really don't know man. So useless me sian 

So that person so conveniently said hi to me as if the letter didn't reach to him. I guess that already proves a lot. What the fuck am I doing sia I really don't understand SIAO LOL. I stooped too low. I think I just woke up. But I said this so many times already. Gosh...... :( But if I was so determined to do it just before I went to Europe last year, it means I can do it again. Lol what fuckery is this seriously. Eh you all win la I give up. Really last time already thanks la k thanks. I am gonna make it a point to make sure you don't affect me. I need to get the fuck out of this school. Pissing me off.

I need god to lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I really honestly want to study abroad. & I am highly considering it. But will I be able to let go everything here? There is nothing much for me to hold on actually. Everyone giving me so much pain and misery I can't even understand this shit. I'll probably only miss having my parents around when I feel alone. I'll probably cry for days and go crazy 2 weeks into living abroad though. Hmmmm :( I'm so messy right now. I don't even wanna say I need someone to confide in cuz I don't wanna listen to anyone at this moment right now. Need some peaceful time by myself or actually some quiet companion would be good. I just don't want to listen anymore. I'm so tired.

Yep I hope tomorrow rains again. I don't like the project that I'm doing now. I'm just not enjoying anything that I'm doing anymore. K like whatever I'm going to bed.

Don't say you love me

My weekends are over...

Went to ICA to get my IC done with my dad on a Sat morning. I was literally a walking zombie. So damn tired. Met up with Andrea Amanda and Jai on Saturday at Thomson~~ Had awesome cafe food and awesome ice cream. H2h talks. In the evening we went to Andy's house to chill.. I was literally fighting with myself to stay awake. & That anxiety in me was killing me. "Oh god what is he thinking. Does he think I'm cray. Shit what did i write in the letter seriously someone kill me" yup those were my thoughts. Went to J8 for dinner. Fat day la fat. Stayed up till 2ish to catch up with my series. HAH you see!!?!? Even when i'm sleep deprived I still stay up to watch show. I must be insane.

Woke up this morning at 6am FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON. I checked my phone and I went back to sleep till 11am. I actually slept till 11am!!!!!? GOSH ITS BEEN AWHILE. I've recently been waking up at 8/9 automatically. No matter how tired I am I still can't sleep. It rained today!!!! No wonder my room was exceptionally cold and cozy and there were no sun shining on my ass too!! So shiok~~~ So i woke up, check my messages and one of them was from my mom. "Did you even sleep?" What -_- Just because my last seen is 6am doesn't mean I stay up till 6 yo mother. I don't do that shit during school days. Oh well okay that Thursday was an exception. I don't even know how I did that.

Went to Vivo with Ben to catch Need for Speed. THE SHOW SUCKED GUYS. DON'T CATCH IT. Didn't really do much other than talk. Had to go meet my parents for dinner so I went off at 6-ish. I was pretty troubled after leaving hmmm.

"Got introduced to you by a friend. You were cute and all that baby you set the trend. Yes you did oh. The next thing I know, we're down at the cinema. We're sitting there you said you love me.. What's that about? You're moving too fast I don't understand you. I'm not ready yet baby I can't pretend. No I can't. The best I can do is tell you to talk to me. It's possible eventual. Love will find a way. Don't say you love me, you don't even know me. If you really want me, then give me some time. Don't go there baby, not before I'm ready. Don't say your heart's in a hurry. It's not like we're gonna get married. Give me some time."  

Don't say you love me - M2M

"Love" is a really big word. It's also an overrated word. For me it takes years to build my feelings up to the point of "love". I don't just randomly tell anyone "I love you". It's just like wtf. "I'll accompany you through your days. As a friend or a punching bag. Haha in return, you be my outing buddy, crapping buddy and all that until you find a nicer guy or when you feel you're ready." Until I find a nicer guy? What. I feel bad in all honesty.... It's not fair to him at all and I told him that. He said "To me it's not whether it's fair or not. It's if I can make you happy, smile or just be a listening ear. Even if it doesn't work out, I know I made you happy."

This all goes back to loving someone or being loved by someone. Why do I choose to be miserable? Why do I always choose to love someone who doesn't love me? (Saying in general not anyone in particular) Why can't I just accept the love and deal with it?.... Because I just can't. That's too fake. I can't bring myself to hurt someone else because my heart is obviously somewhere else.

I feel like a bad person now. Fug I've always been feeling like a bad person since beg of Feb. I'm like.... a person with a lost soul. Don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Literally pushing all of them away. But at the same time giving them hopes. Like fuck shan what the fuck are you doing!? Many times I wish I'm just not sober. At least that's a valid excuse to ignore the world or to do something stupid and blame it on the fact that I'm not sober. Lol

Yvonne kicked some sense in me just now. Meh she's right la I'm just being crazy and all sia seriously. Finding trouble for myself sia really.

I'm actually slightly thankful I don't have classes at LASALLE in the morning for the whole of next week. Also quite a number of afternoon classes are cancelled. I'm gonna try my best to not see them.... Argh fuck running away again. Lol.

GOTTA TELL Y'ALL ABOUT MY DREAM. YES IT SCARES THE SHIT OUTTA ME. Remember how I said my dreams will come true? My dreams always have some meaning to it like it's trying to tell me something. On Friday night I dreamt that someone was able to control the photos you post on Instagram. Like he was able to change that photo if he thinks its not supposed to be there or something like that. In my dreams, he switched away D and I's photos. I was so mad I kept telling him to switch it back. But it didn't. So I actually didn't remember I have this dream when I woke up on Saturday. It came back to me because I randomly went to him profile unknowingly in the evening and I realised me and his photos were gone on his instagram profile. Then I remember I dreamt of this the day before. & I went like what. the. fuck?!?!?! So creepy. This is creepy as shit k.

This is not.... the first time k. NOT. So I dreamt of Ben while I was napping in the morn before meeting my homies on Saturday. It wasn't a good dream uh so I didn't wanna tell him. In the afternoon when HE was napping, he told me he dreamt of me. LIKE WHAAAAAT. How in the world??!?!? So creeped out by this. Because of this now I wonder those days when I dreamt of that person, did he dream of me too....? LOL aiya chances like -1000% sia. (pls take note of the negative sign in front)

School school school... Essays essays essays... Exams exams exams... Good luck to me not retaining...

I feel so sleep deprived right now goodness gracious. I slept at almost 4 last night..... I can't believe myself. On a weekday I stayed up till 4. Wow. To write a letter. To think of what to say and what not to. But right now I can't remember what I even wrote. & I'm actually getting kinda scared. But you know what? yolo. Yes fuck this shit I know I'm gonna treat it like the letter never even existed like he never even read it because yeah I just know it.

Could hardly wake up the next morning but I did anyway because I was afraid that my attendance would be bad. Skipped like 2 Pilates already. Super zombified. Didn't die in Jazz shockingly. Wushu wasn't tiring either. I didn't take any naps today. WOW I'm amazing man. 

When I know I'm not ready I'm just not. Courage? NONE. No words are able to come out of my mouth when I'm with him now. Always afraid I might say something wrong. Afraid I might just push him even further than he already is. God why god I don't even know what kind of feeling is this. Maybe it's just nonsense maybe I need to stop. I stopped for a month.... Why did I suddenly start again? Walao shanette tan. 

Reached back home at 8 to change and bathe. Had a short meet up at Holland v with Ben, my long lost friend of 3 years LOL. It was a great night and I Ioved it. I love people who can just keep talking non stop la~~ Can't wait to see him on Sunday again hahahah cuz today was too short a meeting. 

Reached back home at 1ish and right now it's already almost 3. I'm super deprived of sleep. Gotta wake up at 8 tomorrow cuz I gotta make my stupid IC. Argh. But yay excited to my ma homies for awesome brunch tomorrow. 

MUACKS GOODNIGHT I NEED MA SLEEP 

Fucked up Thursday

From the moment I woke up I knew it wouldn't be a good day. Gosh -_-

I was actually all prepared to die in Albert's class today and then die again in Melissa's ballet. But? I didn't sleep well again. Woke up million times throughout the night because of my painful neck-back. So I didn't go for albert's. So I was told that Miss Melissa sat in to watch class today. Wow and I didn't go. Before that she already told me that I missed a few of Leia's contemporary classes. Lol yup that woman complained about me and Andrea. Argh Leia's just another story I'm just gonna skip that cuz for now it's not important.

Reached school at 10.15 sharp to see coach ling. So touched that he pushed away all his other appointments just for me. He said mine was pretty serious and more time was needed for me. & he didn't had much time. Gosh I don't even really know how serious is serious anymore. I mean the pain come and go. Either that or i'll just bite through the pain. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO WHEN EVERYONE IN CLASS IS SITTING OUT. Omg that's another thing that annoyed me. Jazz we had 6 people. Christina's rep class we had 5 people. Fuck all of them ruining my mood. "Everyone should learn to take charge of your bodies" OH WOW YOU DO REALISE EVERYONE IS INJURED SOMEWAY OR ANOTHER RIGHT? Don't even dare to sit out because I feel like mine wasn't serious enough even though Coach Ling said it was. Fuck so annoyed.

I was talking to Jai on whatsapp while I waited for Melissa's ballet class to end. I just told her how I might have to retain for year 2 and all that crappy shitty feelings that I've been having for the past few months. Met her yesterday for dinner and that time wasn't enough to finish my story okay. She was so amazed that I could do a cartwheel because I was so stressed HAHAHA couldn't stop laughing. So yeah from the moment I woke up today I already had this strong feeling about retaining year 2 and shit like that. The feeling was SO STRONG K.

LOOK AT THE TIME I SENT THE MESSAGE. 11.44AM OK. After class ended I came out of the studio and saw Elizabeth and Melissa talking. & when Anatomy ended Melissa sent a text to the group chat saying that she wanted to see me, Andrea Edem and Sonia. The first thing that came into mind was..... me retaining. Hahahaa and then Edem said the same thing and i was like YEP CONFIRM. So we went to see her and true enough. It was about me and Edem being at risk of being promoted. How's that possible? I'm so scared of my own thoughts. The timing for everything is so right it scares me.

So I was pretty dazed during Jazz. NO MOOD TO DANCE AND OBVIOUSLY NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT CONDITION TO DANCE. Gawd -_- After Jazz we had a 2 hour break. This Andrea was giving me pep talk and all trying to change the way I think of things. Gosh I just don't have any fucking courage. Actually I do. I have it all up in my head and I'm always so ready to do it. But then he appears and then I just have nothing to say suddenly. SUCKS LA. & I was kept in suspense by my friend. She texted me in the middle of class telling me that she wanted to ask me something but she ended up not asking me anything. GAWD I wanted to stab myself 100000000 times. & because of that I was dazed again during Christina's class. Couldn't freaking concentrate and Christina was just..... throwing us steps. I mean it's repeated and all but my mind couldn't run. It was so dead I couldn't remember the combination.... After our break EVEN WORSE. Heard something and I went like gosh my day needs to end now.

Class ended at 8 and I actually stayed till 10.30. I don't even know why I even stayed. I knew for sure I wasn't gonna say anything. I know there's no such thing as the right timing. Ok in my book there is but apparently in everyone else's books, nope there's no such thing. Super annoyed la argh.

I can't believe I'm actually willing to give up my friday night plan for something that might not happen. OH MY GOD I can wait for him 1 hour 2 hours 10 hours even and he will not even spare like 5minutes just to talk to me. Wth? I'm definitely bonkers. How am I gonna do this?!?!?!?! Seriously I don't know how gosh I can't save myself I can't this is so hard

"Some days are better than others. They’re still there, in your mind though. It’s like being at a concert and having someone standing in front of you blocking your view of the stage. You keep trying to look around them, past them, to see the stage but they keep jumping right in front of you again directly in your eyesight.



On the good days, you welcome this battle and you don’t give up. You keep trying to look past them and you start catching glimpses of what’s beyond. You’re happy. Your friends make you laugh. You’re having fun. You’re excited for the future (specifically, a future without them). You have a date. You’re excited to go on a date with someone you’re not in love with. You have those first date jitters. You’re motivated at work. You have free time. You see them for the great person they are and are genuinely excited for the day when you can just be friends; to hang out without any romantic expectations, but simply to bask in the positive energy they bring to your life. You’re so happy and excited about this revelation you almost call them just to say, “Hey! I’m not sad anymore. You’re a cool person, let’s be friends.”


You refrain from this as, logically, you know it’s too soon. Also, you haven’t seen them in person since they left and you’re unsure of what that might do to your mental state. Still, you feel so good. You feel positive, like things are actually getting better. You’re moving on, this is moving on. You go to bed, thinking happy thoughts and praying tomorrow feels this good.


It doesn’t. You wake up missing them. They’re there in your mind still, blocking your view, but you’re too tired to fight to see past them. Instead, you look right at them. You see them laying next to you in your bed. Their face; their messy bed hair; their arm draped across your body, their fingers lightly touching your back. They’re looking at you, into your eyes, with love. So much love. You can feel it, and you love that look on their face, in their eyes. You tell them you love them and you don’t even care how they respond in this moment because you feel so much love, they just need to know. They say it back, and that’s where you stop the memory dead in its tracks. It’s too painful to go on. It creates this weird feeling in the pit of your stomach, this urgency for it to be real again and not just a memory. You know it never will be. Instead you continue to lay in bed just a little longer and wonder what they’re doing. Are they laying in bed too? Are they thinking about you? Remembering? Do they feel anything at all?


You wish you could stay in that moment, in bed with them, forever. Instead, you get out of bed. He stays in your mind like a dull ache in your gut. You go through the motions of the day. You still laugh, you have fun, you remember moments laughing with them, you’re a little less motivated at work, but you push through. You listen to your coworkers’ weekends, you go to meetings, you write emails. You smile. You’re nervous for your date. You don’t want to fall in love again, not just yet. 
You go home and lay in bed once again, alone with your thoughts. Why wasn’t today as good as yesterday? Maybe tomorrow will be better."

This post literally the story of my life I swear what the hell. I can literally put names and dates and situations in each sentence or paragraph...... (But the bed part is a lil too exaggerated. Not that far yet uh I'm not in love yo)

I've no courage end of story I'm going crazy and I actually wanna run away again

Hehe hi everybody in the world~~~~

Can't freaking wait for the weekend. Can't freaking wait to meet xuejun omg I can't wait. Been toooooo long since I hear her noisy voice!!! Miss working with her so much I can dieeeeee~~~

School was just meh nothing much happened. I just get through everyday. I know March just started but I feel like it's gonna end soon. Next week it's already 3/4 thru the month. TIME IS SO FAST I LIKE!!!! But..... I have many ten thousand essays to write T_T Hahahah it's like piling and piling and I just wanna kill myself for procrastinating but I do it anyway.

I was just thinking about how I have to say what I'm gonna say right now.. & I came across this article. Hahaha gosh it's fate.

There is a huge difference between being nice and being fake. Don't know if you know, but I have this one particular friend in my life, that is constantly giving me a very.... fake friend vibe. & I cannot stand it. Fake hugs, fake gestures, fake concern. F A K E. When he has a problem with me, he doesn't tell me. He just pretends like nothing is wrong and just smiles at me like an angel. Wow? Hate it. I, hate, it. Just don't let me see you. Cuz then I won't have to deal with your fakeness. Nope lol almost impossible 

So here are the differences that I quote from the article: 

Nice is doing an act of kindness; fake is telling someone about it after.

Nice is genuine; fake is insincere.

Nice is warmly answering the door; fake is kissing both cheeks.

Nice is checking in on a friend; fake is sending a check.

Nice is being a good person; fake is trying to be a friend.

Nice is being there when you have a call; fake is chewing your ear off.

Nice is just being there; fake is always wanting to be there.

Nice is being there with your wallet; fake it trying to get in it.

Nice is holding a door; fake is slamming it halfway there.

Nice is being kind; fake is being some kind of way.

Nice is holding a cup of coffee; fake is always buying you one.

Nice is listening to your stories; fake is always telling stories.

Nice is being accountable; fake is being relatable.

Nice is being real; fake is being on the “Real World.”

Nice is always around; fake is only there when it’s convenient.

Nice is lending a hand; fake is giving a gift.

Nice is being good to you; fake is only giving it to you good.

Nice is hello; fake is always goodbye.

6 more weeks of school. Give me ma holidays. 

I cried so badly in my dream... What? Never in my life have I ever cried in my dream. At least in my dream you bothered to tell me what happened and what went wrong. Thank you. Thank you for entering and leaving my life like it's nothing. I won't deny that it started out as a distraction. But somewhere in the middle I'm sure I started caring. When you decided to leave I know I had no choice but to play it cool. I lost I know. But whatever it was because it didn't affect you, I had to make sure it didn't affect me either. I'm sorry I have so much feelings for everything. I want to tell you that you've played with the wrong girl but I asked for it. So I can't blame anything or anyone but myself.

The meaning of crying in dreams: As in our waking life, crying in our dreams is typically symbolic of emotional pain. Crying can also be a way of releasing emotions that we've either denied or suppressed for some reason.

My dreams kill me every time. Most of the time I don't remember what I dream unless it has a really close relation to my life and the people that I dreamt of are important. I wouldn't say that you're important but.... I guess you did mattered to me at that point of time. Can't deny my own feelings so yeah.

I have 19 days to think of a perfect gift.

I will only let people into my life to a certain level. That includes my family. If you don't know when to stop asking, I will seriously not even say anything anymore. You know I'm capable of that. When I don't want to say anything, just respect that AND WAIT. Till I'm ready to say ANYTHING. The more you want to know, THE MORE I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

No one can understand why I am like that. Cuz I can't either.

"She doesn't know how or why but she knows what she is feeling.. no wait - does she really? Secretly,  she hates the not knowing. She actually even hates what she's feeling.. Especially how she no longer seem to have control over her own feelings for him. It's like a spell had been cast on her. A spell she hoped the potion read "love", but most nights it felt more like cupid was stupid and had gotten it absolutely wrong. Her own feelings confused her, scared her, excited her.. She knows she's feeling all these emotions. She knows she's not mad. She knows what she feels is very real. What she doesn't know but wants to know.. is how he feels about her. It's this not knowing that's killing her. Thoughts of him consumes her days and keeps her awake at nights and yet.. he doesn't know. He mustn't know. How will he ever come to love her when he realised all her inhibitions, her insecurities and her secrets? She wears make up not to enhance her beauty but to hide be hide the flaws she's ashamed of. She waits by her phone an entire day just waiting for his message and when he finally does, she waits another eternity to reply, just to not seem so eager, so desperate. She plays it cool when she's with him but inside she's an emotional wreck of nerves and yet, there is this joy she feels when she's with him. And only him. It scares her.. how much he actually means to her. What scares her more, is the thought that while he may mean so much to her, she may be nothing to him at all. She wants to tell him this. But she doesn't. She never will. She just can't. Because telling him all of what her heart wants to say will only scare him away. He might think she's psychotic when really all she wants is to love and be loved. She wish he knew. She wish he felt the same.." 

Thank you to whoever who wrote this. Because it's everything that I feel. Everything that I couldn't say. Everything. I really don't know what will happen in 2 months. I hate going back to the past. But you were worth it before. Right now it's just so uncertain... But I want to fix everything back into place.. "We'll all talk again. We'll all hang out together again. We will okay. Have faith. If you're giving up now please hold on. Cuz I know it will all be alright. Just hold on." She reassured me. I refuse to show my needy self. I refuse to let her know that I want this so badly. Because I just can't.

I will break through the awkwardness. I will..... Soon... (or will he do it?) Because my pride and ego is nothing compared to how much I want us to be okay. I have no fucking courage. I hate always having to be the first to start the conversation or to make the first move. I wish I had just half the courage she had. Not even half la kay. One quarter is enough... She's so brave sometimes I think I'm a loser man LOL.

My Saturday wasn't bad! Went shopping with my mama!! Woohoo and had awesome dinner with the family. Been quite sometime since that happened. Haha.. Caught up with my PLL series. Now going on to Twisted. So many episodes I've missed for the past 3 weeks.. 

I LOVE MY TUMBLR LA HAHAHA. Just been going thru my posts and it's just like WOW SHAN YOU REBLOGGED IT RIGHT. One of the posts that I reblogged... "liking someone’s selfie takes two seconds and it boosts their self esteem by 203948204" and I added on a note "yes especially if the like is from you." Hahaha and tada! i'm fucked I literally jumped around when I received that notification. Like damn I haven't seen that name appear on my screen in forever.. I'M NOT RETARDED OK YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND LOL. Ok it's over no more reaction already we play it cool ok -LAUGH DIE ME NO WAY- 

I'm gonna go continue watching my series now. THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I MUST KEEP ON HAVING FAITH EVEN THOUGH I'M PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST KUKU GIRLS IN TOWN. 

SERIOUSLY DAMN ANNOYED WITH MY LIFE FUCK THIS SHIT K.

So someone stole my wallet at Winstedt today. MY FUCKING WALLET WAS STOLEN K. I didn't even know how to respond. My brain was just blank and I didn't even know who to tell. I told Toby and he was just talking to me and I JUST COULDN'T CATCH ANYTHING HE WAS SAYING. Not because of his NZ accent but because my mind was just in a mess. He handed me $50 and kept saying sorry and I didn't know how to respond to that situation like what!?! Why was he even apologising.... Why did he give me 50 and why did I just accept without even thinking omg?! Argh fuck

I went to tell Jazreel and Jonas and everyone else that plans were cancelled tonight. I was so fucking on for Mansion tonight k. You had no idea. I looked forward to it the whole fucking week since Sunday and this happened. I can't even. My phone was left with 20 percent and I used that battery to freaking apologise that plans were gonna be cancelled. Instead of spending my time worrying for myself and the shit that I've got myself into, I spent it worrying about everyone else. Wtf I really don't understand myself sometimes. I was thankful to the people who understood me and asked about my wallet. Out of everyone that I told, the person that I expected to care the most was the one who put me through the worse peer pressure ever. I can't even believe it. I can't understand how she couldn't even understand that I was not even in the mood anymore. I wouldn't risk my parents' trust on me just for one fucking night. She kept insisting and insisting and I'M LIKE WTF THIS IS ENOUGH IT'S NOT LIKE I WANTED THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN. Even when I'm left with 10% I was still trying to make things right with her but no. She just had to make me so mad.

Argh I hate losing my wallet. I hate it :'( I just leave too much stuff inside that means something to me. I loved that wallet so much :'( This feels even worse because I DIDN'T LOSE IT MYSELF SOMEONE STOLE IT AWAY. Fuck I hope karma strikes you back WHOEVER YOU ARE. Making a new god damn IC is $300 bloody dollars now. Because i lost it once. Can someone kill me now. Just kill me.

My back's just gonna keep getting worse everyday. I don't even know what to say anymore. Like I'm not even kidding when I say it hurts like CRAZY. I can't even do simple back arches without feeling the pain. Coach Ling did the crazy fast bridge thingy again and it hurt so bad WHY DID I STILL DO IT?!?!? -_- Wtf man. I'm really retarded sometimes I can't even.

After losing the stupid wallet, I used Toby's $50 to eat dinner with Jingwen and Andrea and cab home. I hate the person I've become k but at the same time I just need these kind of distractions in my life to keep me away from thinking about school and people in school. I don't know if I'm blocking it out right. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I miss everything in December k just fucking give me back my December life. Bring me back to Europe. JUST GIVE ME BACK MY HAPPY DAYS T_T

You know what I know my posts are always so irritating and whiny and sad but that's because it's my way of ranting. So if y'all don't like it I never ever asked you to read. Don't judge me just because I fucking have nowhere else to rant to but here.

Meh I'm damn tired from school now. It's the weekends I'm so sad I'm not going out tonight after all these drama but at the same time..... THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!! REST MY BACK REST MY SHOULDER REST MY NECK. EAT FAT FOOD. WATCH MOVIES AND CUDDLE WITH MYSELF. Goodnight bitches x

Didn't do class today. Had awesome beef pie and my fave green tea latte for breakfast. Yumz~~~ Me and Andrea's always not doing classes on the same

day. ALWAYS OK. It's so freaky I can't even understand. It's not like we planned it. The only thing we do is tell each other when we are not going to school in the morn. And it just so happens that both of us ALWAYS go on the same day. No one will believe that we didn't plan it because since year 1 it's always been like that. & We're always hanging out together so.... No one will ever freaking believe us -_- Lol  

Coach ling checked my problematic area again cuz I told him I couldn't move today. He asked if I have a habit of sleeping on one side. I said yeah. I can't sleep flat on my back. It is so uncomfortable and WEIRDDDD. Don't know why. For now it's painful because I have issues on my back. But it actually hurts to sleep on one side now too. I'm so used to it tho, so it's hard to change.

He was being fatherly and tell me to get used to sleeping flat on my back because it will help. Then he released the tension on my neck/shoulder area and it obviously hurt like CRAY!!!! I was trying not to make weird noises but I couldn't help it and he said "Pain is good you know. So you can feel better later. But you always say pain and don't let me massage." Alamak!!!! But really pain what. Hahaha oh wells I just tolerated and immediately after that I felt better. The thing with coach ling is that I will feel better immediately. The pain will return afew hours later. LIKE NOW. Don't know how to survive Albert tomorrow. Pray for my safety and my life guys I will get through it.

Got a new collab project coming up with the TPM students. MEH. How does Melissa always throw random stuff at us and feel like it's doing us good!!?! We only have 1 week intensive rehearsal on the space itself and 2/3 rehearsals next week. Only 2 weeks and we have to come up with a 5min site specific work. WHAT THEEEEE. But I was actually quite happy with my team mates and the techie that I got. Yay so hopefully it'll be fun. 

Weekends are coming!!!! Excited!!~~~ 

"What's up? I know we haven't spoken for awhile. But I was thinking about you and it kinda made me smile. We both felt the same. Why did we let it go? Tell me what went wrong. That's what I've got to know.  I thought that I could get over you. Oh well baby that was so far from true. What happened to us? I think that we ought to gotta work it out. Don't leave me in doubt. So many things to say and I'd put them in a letter. It might be easier, the words might come out better. Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you off my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by. I tried to go my separate way. At first I thought it was okay. But I miss you more and more each day. I know that you saw me with someone else. But believe me I'm all by myself. I said that I don't care. I'd walk away. Whatever. And I tell myself that we were bad together. But that's just me trying to move on without you. But who am I kidding? I know what I'm missing. I'm just a fool for holding onto something that is never gonna come back. I can't accept that it's lost. Why is everything with you so complicated? Sometimes I feel like we will be together. But you're so complicated. My heart and all is so bitter. But Imma stick around a little longer. Just to make sure, that you're really sure. I know, one day eventually... Yeah i know, one day I'll have to let it all go. But I keep in just in case. Yeah I keep it just in case. In case, you don't find what you're looking for. In case, you're missing what you had before. In case you change your mind, I'll be waiting here. Wish I could press rewind, and rewrite every line of the story of me and you. Hope to hear from you soon. "

That's a bunch of songs bundled up together dedicated to that one person that I'll never stop bumping into school feeling like shit. Can't really decide if I'm ready to sink into emotions yet. I really think I should still keep myself distracted till then. One more month.... Or maybe 2. Summer break? Will things change again then? I secretly wish that everything will go back to normal. Well... Will it? Why was the hug so assuring.. :'( If it wasn't i probably wouldn't feel this way but I would just still feel like shit anyways. Oh my god so stupid of me to think so much over one stupid hug. Hahahaha I didn't even wanna let anyone know about this. Sometimes it's just better not saying anything.

But.... I was thinking if I was actually thinking of the idea of him or if my feelings were still there all along. Fuck this shit la I just want to lie to myself la. For what sia I really don't know. Went to read my February posts. & realised even though I was distracted I was still posting things about him. Sigh & I really still can't forget the dream I had while the girls stayed over at my place last week. You had no idea how badly I wanted to talk to you in just that one day after one stupid dream. Then i remember we weren't on talking terms.... I guess that was a sign for my future? I'd still choose you over anyone.

I blogged this on the Nov 19th last year.... and then I reposted it again on the 1st Dec, saying that it came true but I should be thankful because in my dream it was 5 times worse. "This morning, or maybe last night, I had a dream about that person just constantly ignoring my presence. It felt so horrible but I couldn't get out of that dream. There are only 2 endings to my dreams. 1st, its a prediction of what will happen in the coming future. Yes this sounds so stupid and you might think I'm mad but I always dream of the future. Mine's really strong and it really does come true. If my dream is realistic enough, it will happen in real life in just a matter of a few weeks. No I don't fucking want that god damn dream to come true I'll shoot myself. The 2nd ending to my dreams are.... hmmm it just doesn't come true l o l" 

I guess right now it really is 5 times worse. But oh wells. Let's get over that shizz. Wow I tell you uh, if that dream I had last week ever comes true.... Wow I'll be speechless cuz it'd be too good to be true. 

OMG MY WHOLE POINT OF THIS WHOLE POST WAS TO SAY THAT.... I need a new distraction to get me through these 2 months..... Why did I end up pouring out all my feelings. SOBS

My day today just made my back even worse. This is crazy. Back injuries are NO JOKE. Need to thank god so much we had no Albert's body con or else I really would've died. But..... Albert's feedback session was so awkward IT WAS SO AWKWARD. One of the most awkward moments in my entire life. Thank god that's over.

I hate this whole "Am i gonna bump into him tomorrow" thought all over again. KANASAIIIIIIII Friday night you need to come to mama. I need you 

Unexpected night

Slept damn late last night talking to Yvonne and the Jonas brother. Gawd dude needs to stop talking shit la. He always has something to say to me and uses the "see you then tell you" method. Fak always keeping me in suspense I wanna smack his face. But oh wells... HAHA 

Woke up early today because I had an appointment with coach ling. So pain when he was helping me with my neck and back. He kept telling me my neck is in a really severe condition. Well I don't know man all I know is that it hurts. Ballet was just meh and wushu was okay.... Told myself I could sob because I was hurting everywhere and that I sucked at the butterfly kicks and barrel jumps. Not because of anything else. 

After class coach ling helped me release that tension that was on my neck and it really hurt so much I really sobbed. T_T Went to eat lunch after that and slept on the frass. Hahahah. 

Reminscing the past with Andrea after lesson... I miss hanging out with them. I also heard from her that person was having a rough time last week and was crying a lot. I felt so sucky that I couldn't be there for him. WHO TELL HIM TO BLOCK ME OUT WHO TELL HIMMMMM. :( Was talking about past incidents that were actually funny and enjoyable. "Shan will talk to him after your shows." Really? Will I? Bring me back to last year... 

Right after collab, Andrea told me that we were gonna have dinner with Rif and Shawn and Becky. Oh my god and we were just talking about them in the afternoon.... What in the world.... God I was so panicky because yup I definitely knew things were gonna be awkward. I was trying to not be but he kept having conversations with Becky alone and I just didn't know what to do so I just kept talking to Shawn. 

We decided to watch the Dip3s show today because class only ends at 8 and the show starts at 8. So yup we went to watch tonight. Before the show started I had so much in mind like I was doomed. Like this was never gonna get any better it's just gonna get worse. Just the thought of it made my stomach hurt even more. OMG ONE OF THEM USED MY NAME IN THEIR SHOW "Shanette with big boobs" OMG SERIOUSLY LAST WARNING I CANT STOP LAUGHING.

Waited for them to be released from Harris and I was stressing like hell. SO EASY TO JUST CALL HIM TO COME TO ME?! After 2 months of crazy tension it was so impossible. Yup awkward again. I was so sad I almost piak myself. He was standing there alone and I was alone yet he chose to not come to me :'( After Andrea was done talking to shafiq, we then went to them. 

I.... was just shocked after that 2 hugs. It was so unexpected... save me T_T My heart actually raced I can't believe myself. What what what I'm doomed :'( I suddenly feel like there's hope again..... After all that crap 

I really hope things will change for the better. I know March is gonna be a tough month for me. I'm just hoping a miracle will happen in April or May. Please  

Foolishness brings me nowhere

Not in the best of mood. I hate this. I guess my month's been alternating. December was a happy month, January was just fucking sad and depressing, February was a happy month too. March started out bad and it's day 2 and it's not getting any better. Hate that my short holiday has come to an end. School again tomorrow. Here we go again.

I really need to forget everything that happened on Fri night. Everyone needs to forget what happened. I hate that they all saw everything and yet no one did anything except Joel and Liqian. I hate being the fucking highlight of the night. I hate that they are gonna remember me for that night. FUCK IT just forget it. Wrong company equals bad night. Did I mention how many times I fucking fell because of the stairs that I couldn't see?! So annoyed. 

Saturday wasn't a good day because yup I was just stoning at home. Didn't have a good sleep after partying. Couldn't vomit couldn't urinate couldn't shit. Technically the alcohol was circulating in my system for the whole night and whole morning. So damn miserable. Had an impromptu meet up with Jaz for dinner at night. So random... After sleeping so much she finally decided to get out of her house. Went to Paradise Dynasty for dinner. Argh waited for almost an hour. Was hungry like cray. Told her I was really shag and I really couldn't drink anymore and she kept insisting that I should go with her. STUPID I asked her to accompany me to Zouk the other night and she just didn't want to. Meh so I just kept saying no. Went home at 10ish and slept at 12. Early for a Saturday night... Needed the sleep.

Woke up feeling so shitty. Someone needs to tell me why people love leaving me at my lowest.. The timing is always so right. Hate this shit hate it hate it hate it. 

Went out to meet my clique. Was considering not going because somebody said we were going out. But some part of me knew we weren't gonna meet. I woke up at 8 and I just felt like shit and continued sleeping. At 12 I got up and went to bathe. & last minute i decided to go, still hoping we might meet maybe in the evening. But no. Whole afternoon thinking about how fucked up I am.  Like lol I just need to slap myself awake sometimes. Guys seriously, if anything ever works out perfectly for me uh, the sky will drop. Really. I'm just an unlucky piece of shit.

Why does one bad thing happen after another? My mom needs to stop pestering me. She's been too into my life lately and I'm just like..... argh I don't even know what's going on. Right now I really don't wanna know. I feel good that I don't need to hide anything from her but still.. So frustrating that she keeps asking. No means no la omg stop already.

My right side of the body is definitely not gonna survive the week. I really don't know what to do and I'm actually worried and really wanna know what's wrong with it. Sucks la 10 more weeks. So long. Damn.

I hate that the past is coming back to haunt me. This month is gonna be so horrible. I can feel it already... :'( Save me, get me out of Singapore.