I will only let people into my life to a certain level. That includes my family. If you don't know when to stop asking, I will seriously not even say anything anymore. You know I'm capable of that. When I don't want to say anything, just respect that AND WAIT. Till I'm ready to say ANYTHING. The more you want to know, THE MORE I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

No one can understand why I am like that. Cuz I can't either.

"She doesn't know how or why but she knows what she is feeling.. no wait - does she really? Secretly,  she hates the not knowing. She actually even hates what she's feeling.. Especially how she no longer seem to have control over her own feelings for him. It's like a spell had been cast on her. A spell she hoped the potion read "love", but most nights it felt more like cupid was stupid and had gotten it absolutely wrong. Her own feelings confused her, scared her, excited her.. She knows she's feeling all these emotions. She knows she's not mad. She knows what she feels is very real. What she doesn't know but wants to know.. is how he feels about her. It's this not knowing that's killing her. Thoughts of him consumes her days and keeps her awake at nights and yet.. he doesn't know. He mustn't know. How will he ever come to love her when he realised all her inhibitions, her insecurities and her secrets? She wears make up not to enhance her beauty but to hide be hide the flaws she's ashamed of. She waits by her phone an entire day just waiting for his message and when he finally does, she waits another eternity to reply, just to not seem so eager, so desperate. She plays it cool when she's with him but inside she's an emotional wreck of nerves and yet, there is this joy she feels when she's with him. And only him. It scares her.. how much he actually means to her. What scares her more, is the thought that while he may mean so much to her, she may be nothing to him at all. She wants to tell him this. But she doesn't. She never will. She just can't. Because telling him all of what her heart wants to say will only scare him away. He might think she's psychotic when really all she wants is to love and be loved. She wish he knew. She wish he felt the same.." 

Thank you to whoever who wrote this. Because it's everything that I feel. Everything that I couldn't say. Everything. I really don't know what will happen in 2 months. I hate going back to the past. But you were worth it before. Right now it's just so uncertain... But I want to fix everything back into place.. "We'll all talk again. We'll all hang out together again. We will okay. Have faith. If you're giving up now please hold on. Cuz I know it will all be alright. Just hold on." She reassured me. I refuse to show my needy self. I refuse to let her know that I want this so badly. Because I just can't.

I will break through the awkwardness. I will..... Soon... (or will he do it?) Because my pride and ego is nothing compared to how much I want us to be okay. I have no fucking courage. I hate always having to be the first to start the conversation or to make the first move. I wish I had just half the courage she had. Not even half la kay. One quarter is enough... She's so brave sometimes I think I'm a loser man LOL.

My Saturday wasn't bad! Went shopping with my mama!! Woohoo and had awesome dinner with the family. Been quite sometime since that happened. Haha.. Caught up with my PLL series. Now going on to Twisted. So many episodes I've missed for the past 3 weeks.. 

I LOVE MY TUMBLR LA HAHAHA. Just been going thru my posts and it's just like WOW SHAN YOU REBLOGGED IT RIGHT. One of the posts that I reblogged... "liking someone’s selfie takes two seconds and it boosts their self esteem by 203948204" and I added on a note "yes especially if the like is from you." Hahaha and tada! i'm fucked I literally jumped around when I received that notification. Like damn I haven't seen that name appear on my screen in forever.. I'M NOT RETARDED OK YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND LOL. Ok it's over no more reaction already we play it cool ok -LAUGH DIE ME NO WAY- 

I'm gonna go continue watching my series now. THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I MUST KEEP ON HAVING FAITH EVEN THOUGH I'M PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST KUKU GIRLS IN TOWN.