I'm so tired.... Today's been a long day. I am so happy that filming is done!!!!! ITS OVER!!! 

Spent my whole morning and afternoon at the film studio with the film students. I love how Ziqi and Michael always try to make me feel comfortable because I too obviously show how uncomfortable I am... Half the time Edem was being an annoying bitch cuz he always bullies me. Argh when does he not right.... And what the heck I felt like a lightbulb during the breaks because Edem was freaking being all lovey dovey to his soon to be gf. There was only one mat so I was just sleeping there. She was beside me and Edem just had to squeeze in between us. I couldn't sleep in peace because they were so distracting and I was so.... BRIGHT over there but I didn't wanna move CUZ I WAS TIRED AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAT. Meh! At the same time he kept distrupting my sleep. Argh why couldn't he just leave me alone to sleep!!! I was so tired from the filming crap... 

Had an impromptu meet up with Jonas at night. Trust me when I said it was really random. We were just texting last night because it was his birthday. Then we realised it has been 2 freaking years since we last saw each other so we decided to meet up. But I was late because filming ended late. Reached there and saw my other secondary school mates with him. Hahahah never expected myself to ever see them again because they were just acquaintances. I hardly ever talked to them in my entire secondary school life. After awhile Joel and Khairi came. WOW okay they were friends that I knew but were never close.

Had dinner with Jonas and then went to find them to lepakkkkk. Hahaha shit hearing all the guys talk. So hilarious I can die. Though Jonas was all like "Eh can you all not, Shanette is here leh" but they still carried on with their stories. So interesting to hear. I love chill sessions la makes me know people that I didn't know. It was like the random impromptu outing that I had with Jackson and the other seniors the other time. They were all using the excuse "WE WERE YOUNG" to cover up for the stupid things they did in secondary school... Hahahaha hilarious. 

Becuz we were all so stuck in our own cliques in secondary school, we never ever got out of the comfort zone to actually know other people. Actually glad I get to know the people that I thought I would never ever talk to or even see in the future. 

Bused back to hub but chilled a little bit longer with Jonas before catching the last bus home. Didn't get to catch up much while I was listening to their guys secrets and shit so he suggested we stayed longer. Really nice to see an old friend :) I love the feeling of how even after 2 years of not meeting there were no awkward tension. It was just like old times..

Left with 2 more days of project week... Sigh want this week to end sooner to see someone yet I don't want next week to come because yup, school all over again. Project week should at least be 2 weeks la why 1 week..! So tired now can't believe it's 1am already gosh. 

One republic's If I lose myself is replaying in my head non stop since morning!!! Edem was playing it non stop for the whole day and when I met Jonas, HE ALSO PLAYED THAT SONG. If I lose myself tonight~~~ it would be by your side~~ If I lose myself tonight, it would be you and I~~~ 

Goodnight my readers hugs and kisses. 

Hello Tuesday.

I had a rather.... meh weekend. But all's well now.

My Monday was awesome. My CrewB went to AWWA in the morning to teach autistic kids how to dance and move and such. Basically gonna spend the whole over there. Went to school after that for a feedback session with our ballet teacher.

Went home with Luv and Jingwen after that and we had long talks about many things... I love talks like this it makes me feel like I'm not the only one facing what I'm facing. Also being able to hear what other people think about it and stuff like that. 

I just cannot stand one thing though. & that is the people around me will always tell me how I cannot NOT put feelings into things. I myself know that. No matter how much I try to be cold hearted and shit, I just cannot. I told Jingwen that I am trying to block feelings out and stuff. She told me "what for? it is you and that's what makes you you." Becuz luv was trying to be all "you just need to learn how to switch fast enough. Learn how to put feelings into it when needed and then pull out if it's too much." Jingwen immediately "NO SHANETTE CANNOT. WHEN SOMEONE'S SAD SHANETTE WILL DEFINITELY BE AFFECTED AND ALL THAT" I was like ARGH THEN HOW.

I'm annoyed with this side of me. Why can't I think of myself first? Why do I feel like if I put myself first, I'm being selfish? Why do I based my happiness on others? This was what I was annoyed about the whole weekend. Always putting others infront of me. For what!!! Haiyo shan HAIYO

So yeah we had sooo much girls talk going on till like 6.30 and we left the house to Chompchomp for dinz. So crowded we had to wait for seats. Andrea and Laban were taking forever to reach so we ordered food first. Gosh my mouth was burning with all the spice but the food was all too good to be true so I didn't care. Ate till my heart's content. Hahahaha. I knew my dad was at his usual pub. He texted me right after we finished our dinner at almost 9 and told me that he could fetch us home. Woohoo so we got a ride home. 

All of them stayed over at my place~~ It was such a noisy bimbotic night.. But I definitely enjoyed the company~~!! Didn't sleep well though. Firstly because the people in my room made me increase my aircon's temperature. I didn't want to because if I up it it'll be very warm and stuffy. If I don't it'll be like freezing cold. If I have to choose I rather it be cold duh. Lol sorry I'm a polar bear. But I still up it anyway since they were guests... -_- I really couldn't sleep man. I woke up in the middle of the night just to change the temperature while they were sleeping. & Andrea shared my bed with me and was being all "don't move the blanket I don't want cold wind to come into my feet." So because of that I could hardly move. AND MY BACK AND SHOULDER WAS SUFFERING LIKE CRAY!!!!!! Then..... Luvenia was being cray early in the morn. Like making so much noise and trying to talk to us when we're all obviously sleeping. What man I need my sleep gurl... All of them woke up before my alarm even rang. I mean I would've woke up automatically at 7.30 if I didn't had such a bad night of sleep...

Woke up this morning and it's been soooo long since I remembered what I dreamt.. Sigh why must that stupid person come into my dream. It felt so real and I really wonder how this person's doing sometimes. Oh my god you stupid kuku. T_T so sad save me. 

Daddy brought breakfast for all of us.... Awww~ <3 Hahahaha but it gave me a tummyache because I hardly ever eat breakfast. Went to AWWA, had lunch at Nex and went back to school and sleep till 5 because we have to watch the Actors' show "Romeo and Juliet" A part of me is really hoping that bunch of people would come. But nah. I don't think they will.. Unless their lecturer makes it compulsory for them but I doubt it hahaha. 

Tomorrow's my filming day.... I'm really not looking forward to it. Gonna be stressed as hell again and then make myself look like a fool again. SOBS!!! On the bright side, it's gonna be over by tmr night!!!!! & Somebody's gonna be uncontactable for the next 3 days!!!! Oh nuuuuuuu 

Shoot me

Headache friday. Hahahahaha fuck my 6th sense sometimes why is it always right. I knew it wouldn't be a good day. Had inconsistent slight fever in the afternoon. Ate because I felt like I should eat and not because I was hungry. Having a terrible flu I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY. This is so random. Why did I suddenly fall ill -_- Ok nah it must have probably been the chocolates but.....

Spent my day trying to finish up "My love from another star" but I keep getting distracted from everything around me. Affected by people's emotions. I need to stop thinking that other's people sadness has anything to do with me. One of those days where I really wanna distance myself from the world and see who actually cares. Today was too much. I tried so much for fuck? Sigh where are ma homiez when I need ya :'( But whatever not gonna let small stupid things ruin my mood. Hope i sleep early tonight. Hope a miracle happens tomorrow and I'm suddenly no longer ill. Maybe brainwash me abit so I don't remember what I know. 

Good day turned bad

I woke up late this morning. So i missed Albert's class. But wow guess how many people turn up for his class. 3 people from my class. Amazing or what?! Many probably overslept and some were stuck in the purple line because it was delayed for 30minutes. So yeah because I didn't have his class today, I felt like I had a lot of energy. Well not really. My back is getting from bad to worse. It's like a sharp pain it's not even an ache. So i was technically suffering the whole day while doing Ballet and Jazz.

But all's well. After Jazz, went to Cups and Canvas with Luv Andrea and Laban. Chilled there because we had a lot of time to kill before watching the thesis show at 8. The coffee there was amazing. I loved it so much it made me so hyper and shit. I was literally hyper for like 3hours straight. My evening was amazing. I love the company I was with. Talking to Luv about the weekends and project week makes me so excited.

Watched the thesis show and I was so proud of my classmates...... All their hard work and time and effort put into the pieces were all shown... :') Tonight was only the open dress rehearsal and I felt like it was already very good. I'm sure the next 2 shows will just keep getting better!!! I felt alive again watching them. I felt like it has been so long since I performed. Maybe because that's why I'm so out of it recently. I've lost it. I haven't felt the stage in so long.... All i've been doing is technique classes every single fucking day it's driving me crazy. Now I can't wait for term 2 of sem 2, because we're gonna start learning new pieces for our upcoming show. I feel motivated again. Thank you awesome classmates :')

After that it was 9.30pm already... Me and laban still had to rush up to meet the film students... I felt so stressed. Meeting the film students never fail to give me so much fucking stress. Vicki wanted to film my solo. I was so nervous I kept blanking out. I kept forgetting my steps and the pressure just kept getting higher and higher because everyone was staring at me. & you might think I'm crazy because what the hell I'm a dancer and having an audience is nothing. I hate to say this but I'm not proud of my work. I'm not confident at all and the camera and audience just makes everything worse. I blame myself for not practicing hard enough.

I couldn't hold it in anymore so I just ended up sobbing like a cry baby... Sigh so embarrassing omg. It was in front of people I weren't even close with. I didn't know what to do. I was just panicking and no one was there to help me. While I was trying to dry my tears, Ziqi and Michael were behind me trying to calm me down. I gotta be honest it didn't really helped. It actually was kinda intimidating because..... they were kinda forcing me to say what was bothering me and I WAS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEM. Oh my god i hate it when people force me to talk like can you not pressure me. JUST STOP. After awhile when I cooled down and I realised Michael was still beside me, I felt a tad better because at least someone was beside me... Sucks that my own group mates weren't even giving a shit about me. I needed a hug so badly I almost wanted to bang the wall. NO ONE THAT I WAS CLOSE WITH WAS IN THAT GOD DAMN ROOM. I hate this film project so much I am so happy it's gonna be over in a week's time.

I couldn't believe how time flew. I left the school after freaking 11pm. I cabbed home because I didn't want to walk all the way to the mrt at 11... It's too scary to walk alone.

I should be happy that tomorrow's Friday. But some part of me feels like it's not gonna be a good day tomorrow. I DON'T LIKE THAT FEELING. I'm just gonna have faith in myself that I will make tomorrow a good day regardless.

"Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that both of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something."

Wow school was so unexpectedly shiok today. Contemporary class was sooooo sleepy I just didn't bother trying. I did la when they change to a less sleepy music heh. Ballet was not so bad.. After ballet it was sleep time till 4. Hahaha our classes were cancelled because half of the class had thesis rehearsals. I had my lunch and then fell asleep on the frass after that for 2 hours... 

I woke up and my throat hurt like crazy!!!! LOL how did that happen? Well it was hurting last night but it wasn't so bad... I was so shocked to see that the frass was so packed with people. We woke up because we wanted to go to the studio to sleep. But apparently the studio was filled with thesis people sleeping... We went back to the frass only to realize that our place was taken by someone else. God.... Went to lowercase and it was so packed too... Went to Starbucks and argh so many people too!!!! Omg so we bumped into this guy called Raif, which was apparently Afiq and Shafiq's friend. I knew him because they always talked about him but I didn't know him in person. Only Andrea met him before. So we went there and omg Andrea got free Starbucks becuz she knew him in person. Roar..... But ok we got like discount so I paid 4 bucks for a grande cup hahahaha. 

Walked around the whole damn school to find a place to chill also so hard. Wtf why's everyone so free?! Don't anyone have class...!?! 

And now I'm suddenly having a runny nose. I suddenly kept on sneezing for no reason. Eh is somebody cursing me or something..? Tskkkk. Feeling so meh meh now because I feel like a sick child just after a long nap. What the

Heheh the week is ending. I love Wednesdays. Because after Wednesdays the week goes by very fast~~~~ Funny how I'm suddenly falling ill. HAHA I'm sure I'll recover soon. Cuz I'm a strong ladeh 

That confusing moment

I cannot stand how judgemental people are these days. I'm trying so hard to block people's thoughts and opinions out because only I know best. They are judging based on what I tell them, which sucks because it shows how bad of a talker I am -_- Can people just give me some space and some time and let me figure things out? I'm already confused enough with so many things god. Everytime I choose to open up, some people make me regret so much. Argh regrets regrets regrets.

"I'm only human. I bleed when I fall down. I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knifes in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart. I can take so much, till I've had enough." 

School ended late yesterday. Had a workshop that I totally forgotten about but it was actually quite amazing. Hiphop/Contemp... If contemp classes were like that, I swear to never ever skip classes. Too bad not gonna happen boohooz. Went home early today because school ended early!!! Hahaha pay back for the time I stayed back yesterday.

I hate Tuesdays la okay. I got scolded, again. Like what the fuck is new. & then I have to bump into that group of people which I hate to see these days. Like yo you treat me like an invisible wall I'm gonna do the same to you BECAUSE I CAN. I sat out of Ballet today. Idk which part of my hips is hurting but all i can say is the whole right side of my body is just NOT FUNCTIONING WELL ANYMORE. Died during his stupid body con class. Gawd somebody needs to save me. Either that or give me some willpower to get through his shitty classes. WHY DOES HE LOVE SCOLDING ME OMG ROAR. Just so angry thinking about it.

So yeah went home early and.... caught up on my tv series woohoo~

While I was sitting out of ballet class today, a lot of things came into mind and I've drafted all these out of my confusing mind. 

"Is it better to be loved or to love somebody?" This question never fails to get into one's mind. I can never stop thinking about it either. I love the feeling of giving and making the person I love happy. To me as long as the person that I love is feeling happy, I’m happy. But it gets so tiring after awhile. Especially when that other person doesn’t even make you feel important or at least TRY to acknowledge your presence. Why am I so invisible to some people's eyes? I can never answer that question. Because at the end of the day I'll probably end up loving more than I originally planned. It's always either that or nothing. I won't necessarily say it's better to love somebody. It's tiring and hurtful but at least I know I love a person enough to try? Because being loved is..... just meh. I don't know. The feeling is good but after awhile you're just like "what if i don't love you back". Seems kinda selfish. 

Pistanthrophobia - Fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad. 

Not that I had many relationships in the past but experiences with the people I liked/loved.... Well.... -_- Heartbreaking. 

So scary to not know what's going on. To be confused at a situation. Not like I'm not confused most of the time but this time I really am. So mysterious... This guy's so mysterious. “Good things don’t come easy.” The feeling of knowing that all of these might fade away soon… I’m not really prepared to face another heartache. But then again there are people who date for 2 years and then their relationship still fall apart.. I guess if it's meant to be it will be, right? 

I just wish to know him better. Like tell me things. Tell me if he feels unhappy about something. Talk to me. We’re somewhat similar personality wise and I don’t really know how to deal with myself. I asked him before if he was a listener or a talker. He said he was a listener…. so am I…. So what do we do? Who’s gonna do the talking? But I understand because I get quiet easily too and I know the whole thought process. 

I know I gotta have faith. “I feel something so right doing the wrong thing.” I can’t help but feel scared at times. Like what am I getting myself into? I hate that I’m so insecure at random days like this and it irritates me. Maybe it's too early to say anything. Just hope he doesn't give up on me too fast. 

Hahahahaha don't really know why I was thinking about stuff like that while sitting out of ballet. I was just thinking about the past few months of my miserable life and how it has lead to this. wow things just change so fast. Like I can't even catch up with my own heart. I'm in sucha yolo state nowadays I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. 

3 more days. I need to survive. But I think i'll most likely self proclaim holiday hahahaha. 

Where is this going?

Meh I have an essay draft due this coming Tues. Not looking forward to meeting up with the film students. They make me nervous like hell and then I end up dancing like shit. But the week after is.... proj week. This year's project week's so slack. Don't need to return to school for classes. Only a day to film the dance for camera collab. & the other rest of the days are just..... slack man. Gotta go to AWWA to do volunteer work but BETTER THAN DYING IN SCH. Wow it's actually like a mini holiday right? Considered la.... Heheheh... 

I woke up at like 7-ish and pretended to keep sleeping till like 11-ish. Everytime i switch positions I think of the essay draft thats due on Tues. Like dafak I haven't even started on it. Hahahaha game over to me. I wanted to start the moment I woke up but guess what..... Daddy shocked me with a freaking DSLR camera. I can't believe it!!!! Why did he suddenly buy for me?? It wasn't even my birthday. LOL. I was so shocked man I was speechless. I didn't even know what to say. You have no idea how long I've been wanting one but because it's so expensive, I just didn't feel like I needed one. Can't wait to finally learn how to use it. Told Davin about it because he himself is a photographer and he said he's willing to teach me. Well seems like he's more prepared to scold me than teach me. HAHAHAHA. He was like "Are you prepared to get scolded?" WADAHELL 

Met him in the afternoon for a movie. This boy came like 20minutes late. I spent that 20minutes at Popular looking for books. Oh my god save me I wanna buy so many books but I don't even have the time to read them all. How how how!!!! Thankfully the movie haven't started when we went in. When he realised I paid for the popcorn and drink, he gave me THAT face. LOL I don't feel comfortable with someone paying everything... He paid for the tix so i thought I should just pay for the food right. I don't want to make him feel like I'm going out with him so I can get free food or free tickets or whatever crap la. Becuz I know people who're actually like that, I don't want to give the wrong impression. Lol... 

Caught "That Awkward Moment" and it was kinda relatable in a way so it wasn't that bad after all. Wanna watch "Endless Love"..  Had dinner and coffee with him. Sometimes I wished he would just tell me what he's thinking. He obviously looked like he had a lot in mind. So I asked if he was stressed over something but he said there was nothing. Then after awhile he admitted he was stressed. & The thing he was stressed about was actually something that I didn't expect.. LOL sometimes when I see him I actually see myself. You know sometimes when a friend acts a certain way and you'd go like "Wow so that's how I am when I'm like that" or something. 

Went home and just stoned infront of my computer the whole night. Stupid essay stupid shit stupid school. bye bye because school's tomorrow.

Bad sleep again last night. Horrible sia. It's like I'm sleeping, but I'm mentally awake. I know I am awake!!! I know time is passing and I'm conscious of what position my body is in and all that sort of thing. Maybe that's why I'm always so tired. I don't even actually sleep at night gosh. 

Woke up at 6 AGAIN. I was totally awake for 3 whole hours but with my eyes closed and still cuddling my bolster. Woke up at 8ish, bathed, packed for the beach and headed out. Met Davin at MCD for breakfast. Gave him his mini v day gift and he was like "shit" because he didn't get me anything. Lol well when I give someone things I don't really expect them to give it back to me because they feel like it's a must. If that's the case I rather they don't give me anything. After that we went to tanjong beach~~~ 

The sun was scorching hot. I put sunblock but I guess not enough. Hahahaha I have slight sunburns on my collarbone area and my arms and my face of course. Now not only do I have rosy cheeks I really have an apple-looking face already -_- It was so temperamental I really thought I was going to have a fever because of the hot and cold temperature. There were times while I was in the water I felt like an egg could cook on my head man. But it felt better after sprinkling water over my forehead. 

It was a chill day. I like chill days. I like doing nothing. I like watching people play with their dogs by the beach. Went to Vivo after that for lunch. Long john silvers. Hahahahah fast food twice in a row. Fat die me but it's ok. Ben and Jerry's were opposite Long John Silvers and he said he wanted to eat it. Funny boy with contradicting words. 1 minute he say he's damn late and his dad is gonna kill him for being late and the next minute, he has time to eat ice cream. L O L. Oh wells but I enjoyed the ice cream anyways. Haven't had it in a pretty long time. Thank you for the lunch and ice cream mr food monsta :) 

Rush back home to charge my dying phone. It was taking forever to charge. Mommy's my savior for that evening. She fetched me to AMK so I had extra time to charge my phone in the car... But it was only charged till 48% and it didn't last at all. When I reached CCK it was already 35%. Argh the from amk to cck was so bloody long I almost wanted to strangle myself and die on the train. Why is red line so bloody slow. I see it move I also wanna sleep. So cranky and shit because I couldn't hear music (low battery) and there were no seats. I didn't even know why I go so far just to watch my senior perform. Gawd.

After I reached, me Andrea and Laban cabbed to the place. We met a stupid uncle. My brain was frying and not working from the stupid train ride already and that uncle was pissing me off. 

Me: Cashew CC please uncle.

Uncle: Huh where is that?

Me: Erm Bukit Panjang area

Uncle: Bukit Panjang where? 

Me: -Searches for address and tell him-

Uncle: Where is that? You want to me search the whole bukit panjang issit? 

Me: -Ignores zzzz wtf-

Uncle: So how? where do I bring you? you don't know where's the place I also don't know where's the place we all get lost together.

Tmd no time for his jokes and the other 2 friends weren't even helping. My phone was dying I couldn't even search google maps and shit. Both of their phones had so much battery and yet they were just ignoring the uncle and letting him anyhow drive. Ohmegherd pissing me off. I felt so bad for being so rude to the uncle but I was really cranky argh sighpie. Then he talking shit to me and all then end up he also brought us to the right place. eh I really hate this people who create unnecessary drama sia. Whatever just my luck.

Cosmas' performance was awesome. The rest just made me wanna hide my face. They were all spoiling the music omg my precious Kpop music how can they do that LOL. Left right after his performance to meet Jaz. It was an impromptu thing and I didn't want to waste my Sat night on a kpop comp so I went off. Sigh so nice of her to bring her portable charger out for me to charge but........ she forgot to charge her portable charger. So smart my dear friend so smart. but oh wells I still love you hahahaha. 

Went to sheesha and had drinks with her.  Everytime I sheesha I regret after that. It's ok at the beginning but when I stay there for too long the smell gets so overwhelming it makes me wanna puke, god. Can't wait to see my bro's reaction tomorrow after knowing that I went sheesha again. 

I don't understand why she always say I need to shut up. I'm not even that noisy to begin with! When I shut up I really do. I mean I'm best at that c'mon. Was really good to see her again. Love times spent with her. Yay luvchu

One day of weekend left. 

Love comes to you when you least expect it.

Died in school today. How did that even happened?

I randomly woke up at 6 this morning because my whatsapp group chats were being noisy as hell. Like what the hell. I stayed awake for 30minutes which never happened in my life and then fell back to sleep. I heard my alarm ring but it didn't occur to me that it was my last alarm. I set like 5 alarms with 15minute intervals. So my earliest alarm is 6 but since I slept again at 6.30 my next earliest alarm was 6.45. Lol when i woke up it was already 8.25. Hahahaha and class starts what time? 8.30am. Oh wells so I just continued sleeping since my next class is at 10.30am.

Jazz was a short class but it was a killer... Maybe because my body is seriously worn out. My shoulders are dying on me. My quads just needs to commit suicide now. Needless to say, wushu was A MAD KILLER. Lol army training guys army training (girls ver). Friday's wushu class is pure body conditioning class ok. Running jumps squats pushups whatever shit la. Was initially planning to sit out of class because the right side of my body really died...... My right shoulder, my back, my hips, my quads, my shin. HORRIBLE CONDITION. I still did class anyway. How did I even find the will to persevere the whole class I wonder...

After class, went to physio room with coach ling. If guys don't already know, besides being our wushu teacher, he's also our chiropractor. So I told him my shoulder was hurting. He helped me fix it but right now it hurts, AGAIN. Ok after that he lessen the pain on the shin. At least I felt a lil better. He asked me if my back was hurting. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS. So he pressed it until I almost shriek like a freaking baby. Why so pain why is my body in so much pain I cannot take it T_T My pain threshold is actually quite high... For me to feel this much pain means my body is really breaking down. Fuck this shit just give me my holidays. Argh. I don't really have a valid excuse to sit out of class either because it's not like I have a broken arm or a broken leg or a fracture feet like last semester. I'm so tired....

During our break, Luvenia Andrea and Jingwen were talking about sad love stories and shit. I was just over there listening to their stories and feeling so sad for them. Oh god feelings are so shitty. Sometimes I wish I have no feelings so I wouldn't get hurt. I guess this is what happens when you've been disappointed time and time again by the ones whom were dear to you and treasure the most. So many things said were so true. Sad sia on valentine's day talk about such things. Reality is a bitch.

A dear friend broke down in front of me today. I was happy that she thought I would be comforting to be with when she's at her low. At least someone thinks of me and trust me enough to tell me everything. At least someone didn't take my words for granted. When i say "I'll be there for you" or "I'll lend you a listening ear" I mean it. I don't say it for the sake of it. "Actions speak louder than words" Stupid people who talk so much shit but does nothing really drives me crazy. My sadness/misery towards this person has recently changed into anger.  Everytime this person gets mentioned while she was talking to me, all I can do was to try my best to understand from his point of view but at the same time scold him in my head for being such a bitch. I mean come on. Everyone in the god damn school is stressed as hell. Learn how to freaking balance your life and not throw tantrums on the people around you. A friend was just trying to do her job by being there for you. So many people's here for you and yet you just treat everyone like nothing. So oblivious and shit. -_-

My school's a tiring place to be in. I don't really know where I find the strength to hold on but yeah let's do this shizzzz.

I SURVIVED THURSDAY!!! Yay time for the weekends. Well there's still a Friday to go... It would fly by so fast if I had something to look forward to but.... Mr pig cancelled his plans on me. Hahahah oh well no choice. Army boy. Spending Valentine's alone again. Would've gone out with Yvonne... This bij. Say I'm her date then she's not even in Singapore. I wanna go out yet I'm so lazy to find my friends..... So many friends I could catch up with on a Friday night but..... HAHAHA oh wells shanny being shanny the lazy pig. I would choose my sleep over anything any day whoops sorry my darlz. We'll see we'll see

Hip hop today made me realised how uncomfortable I am with freestyle. LOL OK NO I ALWAYS KNEW I COULDN'T FREESTYLE. Why is XT so freestyle I can't stand it. I don't like freestyling in a dance studio. Meh. I miss you Mycs can you just fly back to Singapore sobs T_T I miss nice choreographies and awesome songs.... Sigh she told us not to compare her with our new teacher BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. We all know that. I like how he's so friendly and funny and all but his style is so not ma style. Like nooooooo.

My knee and hip is giving in again. This always happens when I'm reaching project week. My hip hurts like crazy :( & my shoulders..... Sigh so painful. Doesn't help that it's also bruised at my shoulder area.

Boohooooooooooooooo I need ma holidays. Can't stand seeing my friends go on holiday while I  suffer in Singaporeeee. Can't believe I have to live without Yvonne for the next 3/4 months. Oh my god save me guys this is ridiculous. Can't wait for her to graduate and stay in SG for goooood.

So many things I'm doubting about in my life and I don't know if I'm even doing it right. So annoyed how from time to time these kinda thoughts just can't escape from my mind. Don't really know what's going on with how I feel. So many doubts all of a sudden. Not that I'm being insecure and shit I am just afraid to open up and then fall deep down into a well that I might end up taking so long to come out again. Zzzzz "Good things don't come easy."

Right now it's not even 9.30pm and I'm yawning non-stop already. How in the world am i so tired every single day??? I'm just happy the weekends are nearing. Woohoo goodnight people

Felt by the heart

Coach ling made my heart ache today. Had his wushu class but he spent 15minutes talking to us.. He knew I was really sad and beaten down by Albert. Even though he was telling the whole class about it but there were instances where I knew he was just talking to me because of eye contact.. I love how fatherly he felt. In this world not all teachers are like him. I really appreciate and am so grateful and lucky to have met a teacher like him.. 

Slept during my breaks because I was just that tired... School today was actually quite slack. Well this whole week is actually quite slack until Thursday comes. I really think it's because I've been thinking about too much shit. Been bothered by this someone the whole afternoon. Did she have to announce it to the whole world? Like whatever I don't even wanna step into her drama world. She thinks it's fun then yeah ok go ahead and have fun on ur own. Lol. You being so drama and all just shows what kind of a person you are. You don't even know me that well so how can you even say you don't like me? Argh.

Also, how can you just randomly wake up and miss someone so much? It just happened again this morning like the other day except I didn't dream about anything. I just didn't had a good sleep. I woke up like so many times in the middle of the night. & it's not like I slept that early... I slept at almost 2. Woke up at 4 and after 6am, I woke up after every 15minutes. Sigh sucks when you can't even talk to the person that you miss. Hope that food monster is surviving well in the jungle with all the wild animals hahahaha.. Can Friday just come already?!!? I need to see that botak hahahahaha (don't read this and send me brokenhearted emojis again OR ELSEEEEE)

Sometimes following your heart is a really stupid thing to do. "She's just a little too scared to be close because everyone who said they'd be there, left." We all know how much shit feelings I've been through the past few months. Time and time again I get disappointed by the people whom I truly care about. It gets tiring really after awhile. I don't want to let the world know that I'm actually such a weakling at heart but I just can't seem to hide it. Hence I'm building up all these unknown walls.... That I don't even realise at times. I'm still learning to slowly tear those walls down. Because when you learn to face your fears that's when you grow up.

I will survive Albert's class this Thursday. Because of my mom's words, because of Coach Ling's words and Andrea's.... I will do it because I don't wanna be a sore loser. I don't know if this is my ego talking but I know I am stronger than what I think I am. Scold me for all you want... I will make sure I will take all your words in like a man and make no mistakes this Thursday. Because in Albert's class you gotta really "CONCEAL DON'T FEEL." Block block block block like a shield lol... -_- 

Start of a new week again

"I wish you needed my friendship as much as I need yours. I wish you could see that we can be friends like we were before but I don't think you will grant me this. Somewhere in our distance and your determined silence, we grew sour. You vacated our friendship for good and our chord snapped. You didn't tell me you did this, how could you? You haven't spoke to me since it happened, but I didn't need to be told. I felt you leave. I gave you enough of my heart to notice when the bit of it left in yours was pushed out for good."

One day of rest is not enough. I need a week's long of weekend. 4 days to go out and have fun. 3 days to stay home and rot. My body is still so sore and achy from school and I can't believe the cycle is starting again. What the shit ain't got no rest yo. My only consolation for this week is that, we have no albert's classes this coming Tuesday, which is a HUGE RELIEF to me. Like hugeeeeeee. His one class determines my mood for the entire day.

Had house party yesterday. Was already planning to go Play with Shawn and co since it was the last night... But dad last minute told me we were going to bainian after our house party. Bainian at some stranger's house that I don't even like going... Dad didn't seemed angry with me anymore since yesterday so I wanted it to stay that way. So my friends went without me. Sigh but I was really tired though. I didn't even know why i was so tired. I slept in the afternoon yet I was still so tired. Slept at like 12am while everyone's out having fun. Alright I'm just gonna wait till Jingwen's thesis is over and we can all go party together.

Had an impromptu meet up with Davin just now. This boy wanna go shopping but ended up buying nonsense. We all know how stoned I am on Sundays. We all know how much I hate Sundays. -_- the whole day I'm just like stoned out. Felt bad because I think my negative energy was abit too strong... I tried though but maybe not hard enough lol. & I really was thankful too that he tried to make me smile. "I love people who can make me laugh even when I don't want to smile."

Went home and got "interrogated". Oh well hahaha my parents. Had a long heart to heart talk with them about school and boys and all that jazz. I am really happy things are on good terms now and I've cleared the air. I feel so much better talking things out with them. They were probably one of the reasons why I was so meh meh. No matter what they are my parents and they will be the people that will always be there for me. I love them. I'm happy they're so much more open with me now than before. Yay <3

This weekend was not bad, thanks to a certain somebody. I hope this coming week is going to be a good one. Whatever it is I'm just gonna survive through. I know I will.

Right now I'm so mad at so many people.. Those are the people that I'm never ever gonna trust again. ALL OF THEM. So angry I don't even know where I should begin ranting. I don't even feel like saying anything because whatever it is it's still my fault. So unreasonable. Sometimes I really just wanna throw my phone away so no one can contact me. Fucking burden that phone.

So it's the last day of the week. FINALLY. Coach Ling killed us during Wushu on the frass and Jazz kinda killed me too. I feel so proud of myself. I never even skipped ANY lesson at all this whole week. It's been one helluva tiring week. So damn tired of school. SO. TIRED.

Met Davin at night after school.. He was definitely the only person that made me happy in my entire week. Had dinner at some Peranakan restaurant. I really don't wanna know how much's the bill. I honestly felt bad for not sharing the bill oh my god... -_- Then wanted to catch a movie but the timings were all so cray. Either that or the movie we wanted to watch was not available. Went to Plaza sing, walked to cathay and then sat down for awhile to think of where we should go. No i didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to sit somewhere and chill. So we walked from plaza sing all the way to the singapore river area. Well there were lots of things on my mind and I couldn't clear my thoughts.

Me: One more photo! Funny face! Or any face!

Davin: -Smiles- I only can smile in photos. I don't know how to do other faces.

Me: Just try! 

& so he did for a few photos but it was all so blur... OH WELLS. 

We stayed there till midnight and yup. His presence just made me felt at ease. I don't know why. So even though there were times when we didn't say much, it still felt nice to know he was there. I don't know about him though hahahaa~~~

After that we went to try and hail a cab but failed terribly. For the first time ever I couldn't hail a god damn cab because there were NONE available. Every cab was hired. Out of every 20 cabs that passes by us, there'd be 1 green cab but THAT GREEN CAB WOULD BE A BITCH AND JUST DRIVE OFF. So mad. Then 147 came and I just decided to take it. Yay to living so near each other we have the same bus home. But stupid boy was stupid. He wanted to send me home even though he was so freaking tired. It was almost 1am. If I knew he had to wake up at 6am I swear I would've forced him to drop off at his stop.. Sigh feeling bad :( 

Dad's definitely angry at me again. Argh for the past 2 weeks he has been like this oh my god can he not?!?! When he goes out late at night and was dead drunk the same night that I was out like 3 weeks back, he couldn't even say anything about me. Because he didn't have the rights to. At least I know how to stay sober and know where I'm going. If you want to worry about me it's better you learn how to control your alcohol intake first. Don't give me one whole bullshit talk about letting me do whatever I want when you know you will always be angry with me. You tell me it's okay if I tell you where I go and what I do. Oh please I always do and no matter what you'll still find fault with me. I don't even have anything to say anymore. Your body language never ever tallies with whatever you say. I don't like playing games k. If you don't mean what you say then too bad la cuz I'm just gonna listen to what you say and not what your body language is telling me. 

Throughout the entire bus trip my mom was pissing me off too. Like sometimes I wish she could hear me out. Is it my fault that my "friends" bailed on me? Is it my fault that they are THAT trustable?! I told her how I was so annoyed with the people that bailed on my CNY's party tomorrow. All she said what "huh because of you I ordered more food. Because of you I changed the timing of the party. Because of you i told my friends i cannot go to the BBQ that is in the afternoon." WHAT THE HELL SERIOUSLY. I ASKED if you could change the timing of the party. I didn't say MUST change the timing. You said can without even saying anything about the BBQ. How the hell are you putting this on me now?! If you want to be the nice person then be nice all the way can you not just suddenly push all the blame to me?! You order more food nobody eat I EAT LA. Fat then fat la already fat what. Omg so annoyed. She always make me seem like the bad person. I hate this. So last minute I had to invite some other people otherwise this mama would just keep making a big fuss over such a small matter. 

I'm sorry guys it just sucks to know that my parents are angry at me for the stupidest reasons and many times I wish they would just LET IT GO. 

I'm so angsty the whole week I just wanna dig a hole and hide. Why's no one thinking about how I feel? Why is everyone just acting like my feelings are non existent? I hope things get better tomorrow. Yes it's 3.23am now and I'm so super duper sleepy yet I don't wanna sleep. I wanna wake up late tomorrow. I don't want to entertain my angry parents' nonsense. I'll wait till guests arrive then I start talking to them because they have no choice but to treat me nicely. 

MEH whatevers!!! Positive energy positive energy hehe!!! Seeing my favourite girl tomorrow Jaijai. She's the best human being alive. I love her like nobody else.

I cannot do this anymore. Argh fak I'm always getting scolded. I really don't know how to do this anymore. The stress level is too high for me to take but I don't want to go to Peishan's class either. I want to talk to Melissa about it yet I have no idea what I want to do. 

Early in the morning already cry like a baby. Can't do this. 3 more months is not a fucking joke.

So this was what happened. I made a mistake for his last exercise. So I stopped halfway because I blanked out again and I didn't even know where I should continue from. I thought he would say "AGAIN" like he always does but he didn't. Instead he scolded me and asked me to get out of the class in Chinese. So I did la wtf. If I stood there I probably would've been thrown a chair in my damn face. 

I went to coach ling and sat there thinking what I should do with Albert. After 5 minutes he asked Priscilla to ask me go back to the studio. Wtf and he scolded me again. He asked if he wanted to go other class. He told me he complained to my programme leader about me. He said he really don't know how to teach me anymore. After scolding he screamed in my face to tell me to do class. WHAT THE HECK HE CHASED ME OUT. Why is he fucking screaming at me every single lesson?! IM SO ANNOYED. He left class after that. Cuz he stopped lesson. Good job I was so happy cuz I really couldn't continue his class with so many things on my mind. Am I really that fucking bad?! This is so demoralizing I can't even. 

I went out and that was when I started crying. The thought of having his classes every alternate weekday for the next 3 months makes me crazy. How am I going to survive? I was so close to giving up and really thinking of going to peishan's class because I really couldn't take it. But I don't want to be a loser in class, don't want to be named as the one who gave up. Then again wouldn't that be my ego talking? Why am I thinking so much of what others think of me? If I can't take it I can't take it la right?!?! Fuck this is so miserable... I'll definitely feel so much better after giving up Albert's class. BUT I'll be the one losing out because everyone in class would know his exercises and probably excel further while I'm still going to be stuck here forever. SO ANNOYED!!!!!!!!!! 

So my afternoon wasn't that bad. Jazz was surprisingly NOT TIRING. Like everyone was having fun and all. Even though we were punished with so many push ups cuz the class couldn't remember simple steps it was still fun!!! Loved it!!! 

After jazz was hip hop by XT. Oh god he was so awkward and black face when he came into studio. So not him because at danzpeople he's always hyper and noisy. He was like "the only person I know here is Edem and erm.... -points at me- I know you but I don't your name." dang. So we did all the introduction crap and the whole class was basic groove. The way he teaches his basic groove is so different from kayte :( It was so tiring. I think I said it before basic groove class is like so much more tiring than an open class. But I like it... Hahaha

Lately I've been having many dreams that felt so real. Dreams before school. I woke up missing someone so badly today even though he wasn't the person that I dreamt about. That person was definitely someone I saw before because he was so familiar but...... LOL argh I told myself I'd remember my dream so I could tell people BUT it is only very clear the moment I wake up. After an hour I totally forget what happened. SO SAD 

Tomorrow's finally Friday... The end of the week is here. My body is too tired. My muscles are on spasm mood. I need rest. 

Awkward tension everywhere. Why is that person doing this to me? I appear to have moved on from this stupid issue but at some random point of time when I see him it just makes me want to smack myself in the god damn face. Oh my god I'm so mad it's really better TO NOT SEE HIM.

Why did I even bother inviting them to my house when I knew they weren't gonna say yes? Especially the first person to reject me was the person I wanted the most to come. It's so frustrating. Frustating how we even became like this. Plz I could use my Saturday to better use, like meeting up with my old friends but I chose you guys over them. And yup. What's new right. 

Albert's class was a torture. I'm such a big fat blackhole today. Well every lesson there'll be the one unlucky group that does the routine over and over again. We call them the black hole group. And today I was the black hole. Felt so horrible and felt so bad for Jingwen I didn't even know what to say. I was so fucking tired my brain wasn't even processing or thinking of the steps anymore. I was just throwing my body to the damn floor praying that I get the steps right. Scolded me like free like that oh my god. His lessons are passing so slowly I don't even know why!!!!! 

Then I got scolded again during his body con class. DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH?!?! oh my god he told us to take off our socks. But I didn't because I was wearing stockings (I didn't change out of my leotard and stockings and I wasn't wearing ballet tights today) and taking out my socks would just make it even more slippery. He walked past me and shouted at me to take off my socks. I told him I was wearing stockings so it made no difference. Then he told me "DID YOU TELL ME?!" I didn't answer him. Is he blind?! He can't see that I was wearing stockings? Wtf man why is he so problematic.

After Albert's class was ballet. I was so mentally and physically tired.. My brain really not working I was literally zoning out. After 2 bar exercises, Melissa came in. I was shocked because she told me she was assessing me for ballet on Thursday so I was wondering why she was here. I just did class as per normal. Before doing center work, she told the class that she was assessing me and told me to perform more. I was like huh omfg why was I being assessed without knowing?! I wasn't even wearing ballet tights or ballet shoes -_- And I clearly remembered she said it was on Thursday! I had witnesses man. Sigh..... 

Usually aft bodycon we would sleep for like an hour or so cuz we're just too dead tired from albert. But today we couldn't because Melissa wanted to see our dramaturgy pieces, another thing which I hated. Oh my god I even wonder why I'm in school. 

Tuesday is so not my day. Always having Tuesday blues... Sigh 

I'm very lost in life right now it's annoying da fak outta me. I need to solve this problem asap. I don't dare to tell anyone this because I have no plans at all about my future path and all that crap. I am really thinking why I'm suffering so much everyday for. I feel like all these suffering is just going to go to waste. Why the hell do I wake up everyday just to get tortured in class? Sigh shan you need to figure your life out man. 

"If you thought I'd wait for you, you thought wrong."

Alright... It's already Sunday people..... I'm so not happy about that. SO NOT

This year's CNY is really boring as hell. Went to bai nian in the morning/afternoon. Then went to watch The Lion Men with the family after that. Hahaha A part of me is actually proud that I even had a chance to experience with the lions. I know how it works and how tough it actually is... Haha.

Yvonne and Jackson came over to my place for god knows what reason.... I waited for them for so long I almost fell asleep. Yawns. I changed and we went out immediately because Jackson's friend, Davin was already at Toxic. SO EARLY LOL. It was like 9-ish. Didn't know if we had guest list or not because we didn't receive any confirmation. We just went to queue and yeah our names were on guestlist. The queue was insane what the heck. Andrea Er (Andy) was still missing in action hahaha.

Had many drinks and it wasn't enough to make me high. Sigh. It took me like..... 2-3hours to get high. Yes only at around 1 I was in the mood. The crowd wasn't very hyped too maybe that's why I took so long to get into the mood. Jackson bought us jugs of cranberry vodka and i love it omg. I really love it~~~~~ I have a feeling i drank most of it (what in the world). This jack trying to pretend to be high and drunk all. I one look already know he's sober as hell.  Davin became my personal bouncer halfway through hahahahahaha omg. I was so annoyed with this annoying person behind me and I think it was showing on my face so he saw and he helped me out. It was one helluva night. I loved it. Loved last night's company. Can't wait to see all of them again. I'm super duper DUPER sad this Yvonne flying back soon.. Sigh :'( Can't bear to part with you woman.... Can't wait till you graduate and stay in Singapore for good. I can't wait till i graduate too HAHAHA.

Even though I was high and all, I was still very clear of what I was doing. Everything that I did last night..... Was just my way of throwing my life away for a night. Just a night. Not that I'm regretting anything, I'm just really sad to have to return back to school life again. Wake up everyday dreading to go to class. Dreading to see people that makes me sad. Dreading to purposely ignore people who don't even bother if I'm ok or not. Sighs

Went to Potong Pasir Mcd for breakfast with Davin Andy and Jason. So coincidental all of us were living so near omg~ Except for Andy but she was going Jason's house anyway so yeah~~ Woohoo. We were sitting outside and were freezing... So cold the weather. Stupid pig couldn't stop calling me a koala bear. After that we parted ways. Andy and Jason went home while I was just not ready to go home. So hehehe we were standing at the bus stop there. Davin was supposed to help me flag a cab but there were no cabs. So....... we ended up sitting at the bus stop, looking at buses pass by. I almost fell asleep. So sad when the cab came :( Didn't want my "night" to end. Didn't want to return to reality.

Reached home, washed up and fell asleep for 2 hours. Woke up and was stoned again. Had lunch and went back to sleep for another 2-3hours. Had dinner and then now I'm back home. Hahaha today's literally a eat and sleep day. I'm gonna go bathe now and then.... SLEEP!!!!!! Sucks that there's school tomorrow but whatevers. Thankfully there's something to look forward to this weekend. (THAT IS IF THEY ARE ALL COMING....) Sigh but i have a strong feeling they will all just come up with an excuse. Tsk.