That confusing moment

I cannot stand how judgemental people are these days. I'm trying so hard to block people's thoughts and opinions out because only I know best. They are judging based on what I tell them, which sucks because it shows how bad of a talker I am -_- Can people just give me some space and some time and let me figure things out? I'm already confused enough with so many things god. Everytime I choose to open up, some people make me regret so much. Argh regrets regrets regrets.

"I'm only human. I bleed when I fall down. I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knifes in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart. I can take so much, till I've had enough." 

School ended late yesterday. Had a workshop that I totally forgotten about but it was actually quite amazing. Hiphop/Contemp... If contemp classes were like that, I swear to never ever skip classes. Too bad not gonna happen boohooz. Went home early today because school ended early!!! Hahaha pay back for the time I stayed back yesterday.

I hate Tuesdays la okay. I got scolded, again. Like what the fuck is new. & then I have to bump into that group of people which I hate to see these days. Like yo you treat me like an invisible wall I'm gonna do the same to you BECAUSE I CAN. I sat out of Ballet today. Idk which part of my hips is hurting but all i can say is the whole right side of my body is just NOT FUNCTIONING WELL ANYMORE. Died during his stupid body con class. Gawd somebody needs to save me. Either that or give me some willpower to get through his shitty classes. WHY DOES HE LOVE SCOLDING ME OMG ROAR. Just so angry thinking about it.

So yeah went home early and.... caught up on my tv series woohoo~

While I was sitting out of ballet class today, a lot of things came into mind and I've drafted all these out of my confusing mind. 

"Is it better to be loved or to love somebody?" This question never fails to get into one's mind. I can never stop thinking about it either. I love the feeling of giving and making the person I love happy. To me as long as the person that I love is feeling happy, I’m happy. But it gets so tiring after awhile. Especially when that other person doesn’t even make you feel important or at least TRY to acknowledge your presence. Why am I so invisible to some people's eyes? I can never answer that question. Because at the end of the day I'll probably end up loving more than I originally planned. It's always either that or nothing. I won't necessarily say it's better to love somebody. It's tiring and hurtful but at least I know I love a person enough to try? Because being loved is..... just meh. I don't know. The feeling is good but after awhile you're just like "what if i don't love you back". Seems kinda selfish. 

Pistanthrophobia - Fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad. 

Not that I had many relationships in the past but experiences with the people I liked/loved.... Well.... -_- Heartbreaking. 

So scary to not know what's going on. To be confused at a situation. Not like I'm not confused most of the time but this time I really am. So mysterious... This guy's so mysterious. “Good things don’t come easy.” The feeling of knowing that all of these might fade away soon… I’m not really prepared to face another heartache. But then again there are people who date for 2 years and then their relationship still fall apart.. I guess if it's meant to be it will be, right? 

I just wish to know him better. Like tell me things. Tell me if he feels unhappy about something. Talk to me. We’re somewhat similar personality wise and I don’t really know how to deal with myself. I asked him before if he was a listener or a talker. He said he was a listener…. so am I…. So what do we do? Who’s gonna do the talking? But I understand because I get quiet easily too and I know the whole thought process. 

I know I gotta have faith. “I feel something so right doing the wrong thing.” I can’t help but feel scared at times. Like what am I getting myself into? I hate that I’m so insecure at random days like this and it irritates me. Maybe it's too early to say anything. Just hope he doesn't give up on me too fast. 

Hahahahaha don't really know why I was thinking about stuff like that while sitting out of ballet. I was just thinking about the past few months of my miserable life and how it has lead to this. wow things just change so fast. Like I can't even catch up with my own heart. I'm in sucha yolo state nowadays I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. 

3 more days. I need to survive. But I think i'll most likely self proclaim holiday hahahaha.