I was actually all prepared to die in Albert's class today and then die again in Melissa's ballet. But? I didn't sleep well again. Woke up million times throughout the night because of my painful neck-back. So I didn't go for albert's. So I was told that Miss Melissa sat in to watch class today. Wow and I didn't go. Before that she already told me that I missed a few of Leia's contemporary classes. Lol yup that woman complained about me and Andrea. Argh Leia's just another story I'm just gonna skip that cuz for now it's not important.
Reached school at 10.15 sharp to see coach ling. So touched that he pushed away all his other appointments just for me. He said mine was pretty serious and more time was needed for me. & he didn't had much time. Gosh I don't even really know how serious is serious anymore. I mean the pain come and go. Either that or i'll just bite through the pain. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO WHEN EVERYONE IN CLASS IS SITTING OUT. Omg that's another thing that annoyed me. Jazz we had 6 people. Christina's rep class we had 5 people. Fuck all of them ruining my mood. "Everyone should learn to take charge of your bodies" OH WOW YOU DO REALISE EVERYONE IS INJURED SOMEWAY OR ANOTHER RIGHT? Don't even dare to sit out because I feel like mine wasn't serious enough even though Coach Ling said it was. Fuck so annoyed.
I was talking to Jai on whatsapp while I waited for Melissa's ballet class to end. I just told her how I might have to retain for year 2 and all that crappy shitty feelings that I've been having for the past few months. Met her yesterday for dinner and that time wasn't enough to finish my story okay. She was so amazed that I could do a cartwheel because I was so stressed HAHAHA couldn't stop laughing. So yeah from the moment I woke up today I already had this strong feeling about retaining year 2 and shit like that. The feeling was SO STRONG K.
LOOK AT THE TIME I SENT THE MESSAGE. 11.44AM OK. After class ended I came out of the studio and saw Elizabeth and Melissa talking. & when Anatomy ended Melissa sent a text to the group chat saying that she wanted to see me, Andrea Edem and Sonia. The first thing that came into mind was..... me retaining. Hahahaa and then Edem said the same thing and i was like YEP CONFIRM. So we went to see her and true enough. It was about me and Edem being at risk of being promoted. How's that possible? I'm so scared of my own thoughts. The timing for everything is so right it scares me.
So I was pretty dazed during Jazz. NO MOOD TO DANCE AND OBVIOUSLY NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT CONDITION TO DANCE. Gawd -_- After Jazz we had a 2 hour break. This Andrea was giving me pep talk and all trying to change the way I think of things. Gosh I just don't have any fucking courage. Actually I do. I have it all up in my head and I'm always so ready to do it. But then he appears and then I just have nothing to say suddenly. SUCKS LA. & I was kept in suspense by my friend. She texted me in the middle of class telling me that she wanted to ask me something but she ended up not asking me anything. GAWD I wanted to stab myself 100000000 times. & because of that I was dazed again during Christina's class. Couldn't freaking concentrate and Christina was just..... throwing us steps. I mean it's repeated and all but my mind couldn't run. It was so dead I couldn't remember the combination.... After our break EVEN WORSE. Heard something and I went like gosh my day needs to end now.
Class ended at 8 and I actually stayed till 10.30. I don't even know why I even stayed. I knew for sure I wasn't gonna say anything. I know there's no such thing as the right timing. Ok in my book there is but apparently in everyone else's books, nope there's no such thing. Super annoyed la argh.
I can't believe I'm actually willing to give up my friday night plan for something that might not happen. OH MY GOD I can wait for him 1 hour 2 hours 10 hours even and he will not even spare like 5minutes just to talk to me. Wth? I'm definitely bonkers. How am I gonna do this?!?!?!?! Seriously I don't know how gosh I can't save myself I can't this is so hard
"Some days are better than others. They’re still there, in your mind though. It’s like being at a concert and having someone standing in front of you blocking your view of the stage. You keep trying to look around them, past them, to see the stage but they keep jumping right in front of you again directly in your eyesight.
On the good days, you welcome this battle and you don’t give up. You keep trying to look past them and you start catching glimpses of what’s beyond. You’re happy. Your friends make you laugh. You’re having fun. You’re excited for the future (specifically, a future without them). You have a date. You’re excited to go on a date with someone you’re not in love with. You have those first date jitters. You’re motivated at work. You have free time. You see them for the great person they are and are genuinely excited for the day when you can just be friends; to hang out without any romantic expectations, but simply to bask in the positive energy they bring to your life. You’re so happy and excited about this revelation you almost call them just to say, “Hey! I’m not sad anymore. You’re a cool person, let’s be friends.”
You refrain from this as, logically, you know it’s too soon. Also, you haven’t seen them in person since they left and you’re unsure of what that might do to your mental state. Still, you feel so good. You feel positive, like things are actually getting better. You’re moving on, this is moving on. You go to bed, thinking happy thoughts and praying tomorrow feels this good.
It doesn’t. You wake up missing them. They’re there in your mind still, blocking your view, but you’re too tired to fight to see past them. Instead, you look right at them. You see them laying next to you in your bed. Their face; their messy bed hair; their arm draped across your body, their fingers lightly touching your back. They’re looking at you, into your eyes, with love. So much love. You can feel it, and you love that look on their face, in their eyes. You tell them you love them and you don’t even care how they respond in this moment because you feel so much love, they just need to know. They say it back, and that’s where you stop the memory dead in its tracks. It’s too painful to go on. It creates this weird feeling in the pit of your stomach, this urgency for it to be real again and not just a memory. You know it never will be. Instead you continue to lay in bed just a little longer and wonder what they’re doing. Are they laying in bed too? Are they thinking about you? Remembering? Do they feel anything at all?
You wish you could stay in that moment, in bed with them, forever. Instead, you get out of bed. He stays in your mind like a dull ache in your gut. You go through the motions of the day. You still laugh, you have fun, you remember moments laughing with them, you’re a little less motivated at work, but you push through. You listen to your coworkers’ weekends, you go to meetings, you write emails. You smile. You’re nervous for your date. You don’t want to fall in love again, not just yet.
You go home and lay in bed once again, alone with your thoughts. Why wasn’t today as good as yesterday? Maybe tomorrow will be better."
This post literally the story of my life I swear what the hell. I can literally put names and dates and situations in each sentence or paragraph...... (But the bed part is a lil too exaggerated. Not that far yet uh I'm not in love yo)I've no courage end of story I'm going crazy and I actually wanna run away again
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