❤️❤️❤️

Finally I'm feeling blessed. I don't know I just don't feel that depressed just for now. Maybe because a lot of people are going through things right now and I suddenly feel so comforted by the fact that he still loves me as much. I know I have a lot of fuckery going on in my head regardless of how he tries to assure me and all.

I was feeling rather strange the past weekend. At first I had a horrible week because I was thinking of all the bad that could happen.

"What if I get so over protective he repels from me?"
"What if I nag too much he goes and find someone that talks less and praises more?"
"What if I am so depressed he's sick of my shit?"
"What if I love him so damn deep and he leaves me?
" What if......... "

So many what ifs. I waited the whole day on Friday for him. I couldn't help to feel sad cuz I just felt like it was gonna happen but I had this slight small hope that I might see him a little early like 6ish7 at least..? It was like the only day I could like hang out late because I was staying over at his place... We all know how fucked up my family system is over the curfews shit.... So any day I get to stay out it's like a golden day for me... And if I don't put it to good use it's just pretty upsetting. After hours and hours of waiting for him, it kinda spoilt my vibe. I just wanted to lay in bed because the weather was not helping either. It was raining cats and dogs. Like god this weather is to sleep not go out. I only managed to meet him at almost 10pm.. Thank the lords we didn't end up quarrelling because of my fucked up face.

There and then was the moment that I started sobbing. Unknowingly sobbing even though I fucking just want the tears to stay inside. Like "why you crying woman can you stop" that's what I kept telling myself but like why does it keep flowing out please stop. I was probably pmsing. Cuz now when I think back I can't even think of the reason to why I cried.

Didn't had a really good sleep. Was still struggling with the many what ifs in my head the entire night. Even the slightest move of him made me upset. Fucking retarded confirm I pmsing. Small things like him not holding my hand even though i put my hand there makes me meh. Then I woke up in the middle of the night because I had a horrible dream of him like leaving me or what I don't remember I just felt horrible. Like the entire night I just feel like I was half awake trying to wait for the moment where he hugs me back or something. SO. RETARDED. Why are you so retarded shan....

Spent our saturday at home cuz the weather was so good we woke up at 1?! Holy mama... It was all okay until his mom called him and suddenly he was all hot and angsty. Which made me stressed and all. Like I really don't know what to do? Should I say something? Should I keep quiet to let him cool down? Should I ask what happened? I kinda just kept quiet. And then he started oi-ing me again and made me feel like a useless girlfriend. Like a cigarette stick can make him feel better and I just cannot. "That's why I don't wanna tell you things. I just wanna buy cigarette and smoke and feel better.." Ouch. What was I supposed to do right? I want to be there for him. But he doesn't wanna talk...? How much can I ask? I was scared that he will find me irritating if I ask too much. Like i'm really so confused I don't know what to do. I feel so useless. I think if it happens again I'll still feel useless. We solved it but i'm just still scared.

Went out for late dinner with baby. And it was kinda nice he was telling me stuff and all. Like oh my it felt so nice. But I just couldn't live in the moment. I just kept thinking why is it only now that this is happening... I wished it happened more often.. And as time passes by I was worrying about the time. Sucks to be me. That was when he kept asking me what's wrong with me what's in my head and I just couldn't say anything. I just really feel like shit and if I say heartfelt feelings I'll just cry non stop. Like i'm trying to stop crying already YET STILL FAIL. I cannot deal with myself. Shanette you need to face the wall

It was really nice of him, to constantly assure me of things this week. I felt like I really needed that to move on from how I was feeling the past week. As much as words are nothing unless proven, I just felt like his words were sincere... Really thankful.

We really argue a lot. But I don't know how he manages to make me feel better afterwards. Though I'm always very hurt in the process and always wishes it wouldn't even happen in the first place. Thank you for making me feel loved. I really wish we'll be like this. I just can't help but feel scared for all of this to disappear again. The fear is so real it's making me cry everytime I think about it.

Regardless I love him.


"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. 
Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is."

Every time I hear about other people's stories or how I know some people, I just end up feeling very lucky to have him. I just don't know it's always the people around me that reminds me how much he means to me. Because only he will love me that much. No one else would.

Thankful to know we love each other enough to always make things work. There are many many fights that I feel like you're giving up and it scares me like hell. But thank you for still staying by my side and making the effort to be better in making our relationship work. Regardless of how nonsensical our problems are thank you for finding a way out of it. This doesn't make me less scared of the fights that have yet to come. Instead it actually makes me even more scared because I really don't know how to deal with them even after more than a year. It's funny how I can't think like oh he loves me a lot that's why it's okay we're gonna be okay. I'm actually really very scared to lose him each time we fight. I guess in a good way I'm not taking him for granted..? But it's terrifying to know I might lose him. MIGHT. BUTTTTTTT very assuring at the same time to know he tries for our relationship. Hehe I know I'm so contradicting in this paragraph but yeah. As scared as I am for our future fights and arguments, I'm still thankful and blessed that I know I have someone I can walk through our problems together, and not give up or find an excuse to give up. If i had a second chance in love, I wouldn't choose anyone else. 爱死你了❤️