Almost is never enough

Time for me to talk feelings all over again. I really need to say this out because I cannot think about anything else other than this and it irks me SO FUCKING BAD. I have so much work piling up. So may deadlines to meet. I hate that I'm so inefficient. I hate that my priorities are all wrong. But I don't feel guilty about it. Because right now, school is really on the bottom of my list. I stress out, I blank out. I give up. Ok jk I haven't gave up yet but seriously on the edge of giving up. Seriously guys the past 2 weeks of school hasn't been treating me well. I love dancing but at the same time I really think I'm on the wrong path. So many fucking rubbish thoughts going through my head every single day. I feel so out of place now. I try to psycho myself everyday that everyone is going through the same shit as me and I have to persevere. But nothing is really pushing me forward.

All the dramatic shit in school is also pissing me off. It's affecting me so fucking much I don't even know how is it even possible. I too, would run away from all of this. Because it's all so unnecessary. All this shit because of one person who doesn't know how to back off. But running away doesn't solve problems when it comes to this one person. & If I were the person who could resolve all these, I would really just settle it once and for all regardless of how timid or coward I am.

I'm actually thankful Andrea told me what she thought I should know. The truth always hurts but I really rather know what's going on and be hurt than to know nothing at all. I actually wanted to know more but I didn't wanna seem so eager. I mean I should've known considering how he have been treating me lately. I really think it would be easier on my part if it stopped there; the last good morning message I told myself that I'd ever send like a month ago. If it stopped there I probably wouldn't feel this way. Argh wtf la you know what!? I really just don't understand his actions. I just wish he could stop distancing himself from me. I wish he would acknowledge my presence when he sees me. He don't want me to be sad? Yet he's doing this?

Did he really think me saying that I'll always be there when something's bothering him were all lies?!?!?! I don't like hearing things from people. "He's feeling stressed over this and that and this and that." I thought he'd tell me. But no. No one made any promise. Because we all know none of the things you say were ever gonna come true. I told you before. "To almost date someone is to go back on a promise no one had to keep, because it was a promise no one made."

But I guess no matter how I feel I still gotta accept it. No matter what I say it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day I'm still the one losing out.

"We existed in the strange in-between of the possible and the probable. It was in the unsaid, in the expected, in the logical next steps.

When you almost date someone, it’s not because you’re only doing things by halves. Everything depends on the build and the anticipation in that gray area of maybe. Maybe you’re shy about how you feel. Maybe you hold back there, but that’s human nature, isn’t it? We want to protect our hearts. We’re afraid of handing them over too readily and too soon. And so we take our time. But in that hesitation, something can fall through.

The signs are all there. Everyone sees them. You do not mistake a common laugh for a laugh that is just for you, and don’t confuse friendship for feeling special because for a brief and fleeting and glorious moment, you are. To almost date isn’t to misinterpret someone’s intentions. They did like you, they do like you. But the fact that you’re right is little consolation when it doesn’t pull through.

But when you almost date someone, something will give. Somehow the ends don’t meet. Either they meet someone new while you’re biding your time, or they move, or they just disappear. It’s easier to do than you think, between no longer answering calls and disappearing from Facebook and finding a new coffee shop. You may never know quite why, and you will be left wondering what else you could have done, how you could have been more, what you did wrong.

The truth is, though, that chances are you didn’t do anything wrong. Chances are you weren’t wrong. Chances are you were fine just as you are, and you know this deep down. It’s just easier to blame yourself, to create closure and sew the wound shut rather than letting it heal on its own. People won’t understand, and will smile sympathetically and say they really thought it would happen, too, and at least you weren’t official. As if a title would make it hurt more, as if because you were only hedging on your hope, you shouldn’t have been hurt. You were trying not to put your heart on the line. You were protecting it by taking things so slowly. And in that hesitation, you became a sitting duck.

To almost date someone is to bet on a sure thing and to walk away with nothing.

To almost date someone is to take that risk, and to dedicate yourself to something that might not pan out. Because lots of things don’t."

- ThoughtCatalog

A fool like me would definitely wait even if I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if not giving up on you is a right choice. I don't even care if this is one sided anymore. Because maybe all along it has always been. & I was just too blind to see it. Maybe it was all in my head.

Hope all these dies down. 3 months 2 weeks left to the summer break. Hurry up. I am already giving up on school. Call me a weakling, call me a loser. WHATEVER I'm a hopeless case. Maybe it's just for now. Right now I really can't seem to concentrate in anything that I do. If you give me a month to just rot maybe I'll get back. But for now I just really can't think. I'm just going through everyday with so much in my head and i'm just soulless. This strong feeling of me repeating year 2 is so strong and that is obviously not helping. OMG DID I MENTION HOW MUCH THAT BIASED PIECE OF FUCKING CONTEMPORARY TEACHER FROM LAST SEMESTER GRADED ME!!!??!

16/100. FUCKING 16 MARKS. I think I've never ever EVER scored so low in ANYTHING before. Too much. This bitch is too much. I really don't wanna work with her anymore. Fucking grade me so low. Bitch omg. Please ah TOO MUCH!!!!!!!! I see the paper I also wanna tear. Her comments also not even adequate enough to give me so little marks. I am so angry with this stupid piece of shitty teacher. WHATEVER I GIVE YOU NEGATIVE 100 FOR BEING SUCH A BIASED TEACHER. Argh.

I wasn't even in the right condition for school to start, emotionally, physically and mentally.