We had it but we lost it.

Another week of school have passed. Argh.

I'm so sick of it. I'm really just…… really losing it. I don't know how I'm containing everything inside so well. Ok well not really. Sometimes I randomly roll around the frass and then whine abit here and there to myself. BUT STILL, it's considered keeping it all in.

I haven't been able to concentrate in school at all. I cannot keep my mind off certain things and it's really frustrating me. How is it possible that the other party doesn't think about it at all yet it's affecting me so fucking badly?! Monday to Wednesday afternoon was still not that bad. It was wednesday night that all this shit started kicking in. I cannot eat well I cannot sleep well I cannot think well. My body is physically present in class but i'm obviously mentally absent.

Yesterday I had my filming project with the film students. Before that it was just dramaturgy practice on the frass. That whole 2 hours really killed my mood. This person really finds every opportunity to avoid me. I'm like okay fine I don't care either. Oh well at least that was what I showed on the surface. I couldn't even think properly.

When we met the filming students, I wanted to escape so badly. I felt like I was in another dimension wtf. & The fact that they didn't inform us earlier that they were gonna video us doing a short interview drove me even more mad. The whole fucking world knows how much I hate talking in front of people. WHAT'S MORE, TALKING INFRONT OF THE CAMERA?! I almost had a nervous breakdown I swear. Edem wasn't even helping. He kept giving me the wtf is wrong with you face. I'm just like argh fuck la whatever I'm really in no fucking mood to entertain his pmsy attitude. That's the thing with Edem. I love being his friend. I love talking to him but everything under the sky. I love how he can instantly distract me from what I'm thinking. But when it comes to work, I really…… just no. So yup when I escaped from hell, I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore I didn't even know why I cried. I think I'm mental -_-

Today's Open House was just argh too. I felt so unprofessional but it was again all because of him. I hate this. How have I become into this state? Just tell me how. There was a "snap" sound on my neck this morning and it hurt so bad I almost fainted. After spamming salonpas and massaging it, it was a tad bit better. Thank god I had an appointment with Coach ling. He helped me check on my neck area and apparently he said it was rather severe. I was shocked to hear. Oh god that's the thing. My pain tolerance is really super high. I really can't tell the difference between good or bad pain. So yeah I was hurting the whole morning it already spoilt my mood.

Then I saw him. Wow man I need to clap for him because he totally fucking ignored my presence. That really just spoilt my whole day's mood. My performance quality was shitty as hell and everything was just fucking shitty la. All the bloody tap tap hugs that he give JUST MAKES ME EVEN MORE MAD. Ok whatever. My whole day was seriously just fuckmylifeletmejustdieorgohomeanderasealltheseunwantedthoughts.

Maybe I just couldn't believe how much time and brain cells I've used and killed just to think and care about this person, yet this person seriously does nothing in return. NOTHING. He literally doesn't even try. I'm not even asking like for anything BIG OR SHIT. Just a simple caring gesture also can but don't have. In fact he uses every opportunity he has to run away from me. I try so bloody hard to be understanding. His excuses are always the same. Yeah I geddit. Busy. Who the heck isn't!!?!? It's whether or not you BOTHER checking in on me. The fact is that you don't bother. You tell me you're trying but I really don't see it at all. This is not trying. Because if you're trying, then I'm really trying too fucking hard (when in fact I'm really just doing nothing much.) Then because of all of this tension that you unknowingly created, I just don't wanna go to you anymore because you make me feel like a big fat fucking burden. But whatever. We're friends what right. Nothing special anymore.

What the hell is going on between us I don't even know. It makes me so mad because all this could've been avoided if he weren't so fickle minded in his actions. Right now I feel like if I could go back in time, I really probably wouldn't have tried so hard or wouldn't have exposed my feelings so openly. I was supposed to use that 1 month to get over this shitty feeling I have for this person. I can't do this. I'm really not a strong person I hate to admit it but I can't deal with this shit. I really wanna think I'm hallucinating. Maybe I was just being stupid to think we both felt the same. Maybe that was my call to go. Maybe those are your signs. Alright cuz it's fine with me.

Sigh i just really needed to type shits like this out. I don't even care anymore if no one understands what I'm typing. As long as I know what I'm talking about it's enough. Lol