I self-proclaimed Wednesday a holiday.. Well actually I was gonna go and just sit in for class. But then halfway through I got convinced not to go so I didn't. I went to eat breakfast instead HAHA. Then I went to the frass and slacked with Andrea because she didn't go for morning class either. We were so secretive. Like though the frass was such an exposed place but we still attempted to hide from any teachers or seniors. Then because the frass was just simply too comfortable, we ended up skipping ballet too... HAHAHAHA. So we only went for the theory classes in the afternoon. After that was actually the dramaturgy showing. But Edem couldn't dance so my group didn't perform. So technically I didn't even move the whole day. LOL BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY NOT GOOD LA. Cuz I was aching so freaking bad from Albert's Tuesday lesson.... Not dancing actually makes the ache even worse...
Albert's lessons were just killas.... I really gave up on life on his Thursday lesson. Ok no I pushed myself so much I just gave up on life. Yeah. So many times I fell on the damn floor because I was so tired and my quads were seriously too pain. Plus I wasn't even recovered from Tuesday's lesson. Because my quads couldn't take it anymore, my knee gave in. So yes my bloody right knee is in crazy pain right now but not as pain as last year during my dip show. & I fell flat on the floor because of Jingwen's SWEAT. Oh my god this girl. For the whole class I was trying so hard to avoid her sweat patches on the floor. But WHY I SO UNLUCKY her sweat patches were always so near me. There was this combination that had 2 handstands with the beating of the leg. I slipped and fell on the second handstand. The pain hit my ribcage so bad I couldn't even stand up and move for like 5 seconds. This girl.... Can she wear more clothings so the floor wouldn't be so wet with her sweat?! LOL She only wore a leotard and her sweat wa.... -no comments really-
I realised Albert's comments are no longer making me feel depressed or what anymore. I feel like it is more like a wake up call already. He is really realistic. He even said it himself. The comment he give me is no longer a by-pass comment kinda thing already. Every alternate lesson he never fail to say that I'll never ever succeed when I graduate. He always say I'm not made to dance ballet/contemp (which i actually kinda true I really think i'm not made for these 2 genres AT ALL). He said he knows I have a passion for it and all but I'm just not suited for it. Of course he mentioned my size again #WHATSNEW but yeah it's also a fact la. He said it so clearly on Thursday. I really felt like it was true. Tsk he told me in the middle of the class and I was like "fuck my life yeah it's so true I don't even know what I'm doing here."
So tired. I really don't know what I want in life. I am not giving up. I really am not. I just feel very strongly that I'm not where I am supposed to be. I don't aspire to be a contemporary dancer at all. What am I doing learning so in dept and detailed about contemporary dance?
All these people opting out of Albert makes me want to opt out too. But finishing his classes give me this sense of accomplishment that I have never ever felt for any other classes. I always look forward to surviving his class and feeling good after that because if I survive his class, other classes are just nothing. That's how I get through my week. I can safely tell other people now, "You think your class is hard? You've not had a taste of Albert's class." When i say class I don't even mean his basic class ok. I mean his 1.5 hour intermediate contemporary class ok, when he actually teaches long combinations and make you die like crazy.
Yup back to not knowing what I want to do in life. I'm so super tired of looking at people improve like crazy and I'm still where I am. I have no motivation or whatsoever and that's really sad for myself. Miss Melissa said from next week onwards we're gonna have hip hop lessons every Thursday just to brush up our hip hop technique. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN SHE SAID THAT. A pity Mycs left really sigh....... She told us to never compare her to the new teacher (which is her colleague XT) but yeah Mycs no one can replace you in our hearts :'( But you know what? ONE HIP HOP CLASS IS BETTER THAN NO HIP HOP CLASS. I don't even care who the teacher is. I know XT's basics are good so I know our class is in safe hands :) His choreography style might not be our style but yeah basics good enough~~~~ Thursday is a fucking killer day now because there's Albert, Melissa's ballet (killer too) and Yenny's Jazz (KILLER TOO FREAKING BODYCON) AND NOW HIP HOP. So freaking tiring. I hope I can survive man.
Next important thing in my life.... THAT PERSON.
During the start of the week I was like "AIM OF THE WEEK IS TO NEVER EVER BUMP INTO HIM." So yeah for the whole of Monday I didn't see him, UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY. Omg ok this was what happened. It was 8ish in the night and my dramaturgy group had to stay back because we haven't completed our choreography. So they were at the 4th floor bridge. Andrea and I went up. I was so like "shit i want to bump into him but NO i told myself already cannot bump into him" So apparently he wasn't at G401 even though we went to peep inside the studio. I was about to go to the bridge when all of a sudden he appeared at another bridge. He's so easy to spot when he wears his red cap oh my god. So yeah he came to say hi but it was so sincere I almost wanted to just strangle myself. I walked away thinking I shouldn't have said hi I should've just walked away. Maybe I wouldn't felt so horrible.
Throughout the whole rehearsal I couldn't even concentrate. I felt so horrible.... So many thoughts running through my mind like WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME OH MY GOD AREN'T WE FRIENDS. I keep telling myself that you know. Like wtf OK if he wanted to ignore the fact that we were kinda close in the past then ok AT LEAST DON'T IGNORE ME UNTIL LIKE THAT RIGHT. You guys might think I'm paranoid but no. Because right now I feel like Andrea has more friendship closeness than I have with him. That's how bad it is. He has decided to block me out completely. You think I'm assuming? No. On tuesday he saw me on the bridge and he gave me the tap tap hug. Whatever with that but he didn't even let me say finish my sentence. & he was the one who started the conversation. He just walked away without even hearing what I wanted to say. He didn't even looked at me when he talked. It was as if he was talking to the wall. Immediately after that when we were walking to Jitterbugs, we bumped into them. What luck sia. Omg -_- He walked past me and only acknowledged Andrea's presence. WOW. Oh wow so now I've really became a transparent wall. I really have nothing to say anymore.
After Tuesday I really don't wanna acknowledge his presence anymore. I saw him on Wed too. I ignored. That was my first successful day where I never even said hi to him. He probably saw me on Thurs after school but I didn't so yeah happy for you you've treated me like a transparent wall again. Friday, today, was my most obvious sigh of not acknowledging his presence. Before I even stepped into school, I knew his class was sitting on the frass. I didn't know how I knew that but I just knew. When I continued walking I took a less-than-a-sec glance and I spotted his red cap again. Fml I didn't wanna look their way. Didn't wanna say hi. Didn't wanna feel like shit again. So i just walked even though I felt so bloody uncomfortable because I know they were looking. Thank god I had my pink dolphin. I just gulped the whole thing down.
I don't know. Right now I feel like I rather not see him at all and let myself think that "ha I never see him so nothing can happen." than to see him and let him make me feel like shit. I don't even know why is he so obviously avoiding me. Nevermind your wish is granted.
A part of me knows he will talk to me soon. I don't know how soon is soon but I know he will. & another part of me knows this whole bullshit is just one sided. From what he told Andrea, I already know all these while he has just been...... confused and maybe even playing with me. I hate this. I feel so judged by him. Judged for having feelings for him. & he say he doesn't judge me?!??!!!? OH MY GOD. Someone give me a knife right now. Whatever he told Andrea, I should've been the one to say that. You are the one who doesn't know me. You don't even try. I obviously try too hard to know you. & you obviously try too hard to block me out. I have definitely said this in a post months ago. I've never ever wanted you to know I had any feelings for you. Never. That was never my intention at all. Because I know I don't know you well enough. I was just interested in you. I wanted to know you more before anything. You just wouldn't let me get close. & then all of a sudden you jump into a whole new level of closeness that even I didn't ask for?!?!? I wasn't even intending to tell anyone not even my 2 closest friends in school because YEAH I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY STUPID HEART. Yes I told one of my classmates but that was only because I really needed to tell someone. Stupid of me to trust her because even though she promised she wouldn't tell you, she still did. Up till now I still don't know if what she did was a right thing or not. All i know is that I can no longer trust her with this secret. Because now the whole world knows and my life sucks. All my fault argh.
You have no idea how confused I was when you suddenly became so close. I didn't know why you did it. Because no matter how ungirly I am, I still am a girl and I still have my own intuition. I know for a fact that you were never attracted to me. All these while you've just been making me so fucking confused with your actions and your words. Like you're so freaking contradicting. And bringing me on so many roller coaster rides I don't even know what's going on now. Like what? Are you seriously putting a pause on this friendship?! Friendship can pause one ah?! Why can't you just let things go naturally and let us know each other?!?!?! I don't freaking understand. Who gives a shit if you have no time. You think I have?!
Then again any normal girl would've just let go and walk away. I don't even know why I'm harping on it so much. Erm errm maybe because I think there's still hope? I don't even know where I see the hope coming from but yeah. Feelings are so fucked up. I hate that it's so easy for you. But yup that's because maybe there wasn't really anything to begin with. All these were just happening in my head. Maybe blaming it on self-delusion would be a good closure to this.
"And just like that, you were gone. Silence slipped between us, creating a bitterness on my tongue. I started to feel guilty for trying to speak to you, as if my voice were a nuisance in your busy life. Days turned into months. I kept trying to keep us alive, crying out for attention, desperately seeking affection despite your apathy."
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