Yoga was different today. We meditated for soooo long. I can't believe I stood still for so long. That was a first man. Ballet was so so... New barre exercises, new enchainments. Before she started center work, she kinda told the people who took the ballet exam on Saturday how it went. She said my marks improved by a LITTLE BIT. How little is her little bit? My previous grade was 10 marks away from the passing grade. 10 marks is ALOT of marks. She didn't say I passed or what. Tsk. Then she also talked about different body types. Some can dance very well, but the body is just not for dancing. Some have talented bodies, but just doesn't dance very well. As for me.... She said I have the most difficult body to deal with when it comes to Ballet. LIKE DUH even I know that. Why do you think I never ever thought of learning ballet? I know I'll never be able to do it. Felt so useless after that so my center work were all shit. Well not like I'll be any better anyways.
There was no animal work today. The teacher was absent. So everybody kinda did their own thing. Jingwen and Andrea were like in their own worlds dancing to troublemaker, as usual. Jumping around, talking so loud... Then i got reminded of what Shafiq told me the other day. "They are like the Cinderella stepsisters." HAHA come to think of it, they really match the Cinderella stepsisters... Of course they are not evil.
I never knew Jiaxuan could play the piano so well.... Even her singing is just brilliant... She's a very good actress and a very good break dancer. YES FEMALE BREAK DANCER. ON TOP OF ALL THAT.... She's super pretty and super fit :( Why do such people exist... WHY. Of course Louisa was singing as well with her top notch vocals. Being compared to people like them makes me feel like I don't belong. I'm feeling so lost. I feel like I'll get nowhere, all of a sudden. Teachers, seniors and everybody else is making me feel this way. Trying to isolate myself recently because I really don't know what to do with life. Maybe it was already a fact from the beginning. Maybe I was just blind. But then again, I chose to take the risk of being rejected.
Passion is not everything..... Talent, body, attitude... It all counts. Hardwork yeah right. Whatever man. Look what I've gotten from Ballet? Trying every lesson... Yet to the teacher's eyes, there's no improvements. All they want is EVEN MORE EVEN MORE. Even when you deserve a slight bit of encouragement, they just push you down. I might complain a hell lot on how much ballet irks me. But in class I really do try. Still going nowhere with it. Confidence? What confidence would I be able to have when all I know is that I'm lousy and never ever good enough?
I was feeling lazy throughout the whole Asian dance period. So tiring... :( My thighs and everything were hurting like mad. Worse thing was I didn't even do full out!!! Can you imagine if i did...? I probably wouldn't be able to wake up tomorrow morning due to extreme body aches. Went back to school for the ballroom dance rehearsal. Up till now I cannot do it well.... Ballroom dance is probably another Ballet to me.... Like I can never do the way it's supposed to be. When I was watching Louisa's dance with Renfred, I was just like HUFJVIDKLRADLJF i shouldnt be alive.
I am honestly feeling so bullshit right now. Like I'm neither here nor there. I'm just like a aimless soul floating around. How irritating. Sorry I just can't hide my feelings. Sorry to those around me whom I may have unintentionally thrown tantrums at. I also thank you for still being patient with me.
Sick and tired. Sick of being so lousy. Tired of being me. Will I be able to lift my head up high and be proud of something that I can do that would make people go wow? Will that day ever come? :'( Feeling so sad I don't even know how to overcome it. Try keeping tears in your eyes everyday till you reach home. It hurts.
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