What's your aspiration in life? 

To be happy.

My eyes hurting a lot. Been so long since I cried sooooo much in a night. It's so puffy and like it just hurts when I touch. Don't wish to say what happened.

Just wanna ask myself.. Why am I such a negative person? Why did I grow up to be such a person? It's been so long since I was happy over something.. Besides baby's existence in my life, nothing else makes me happy anymore. Why is it so hard to be happy? 

Everytime I think back about my life I just don't know why I'm even here. I remembered how horrible my childhood was. Yeah I lived luxurious life compared to other kids but you never know who goes on in the house. You never know how at 7 years old you were expected to get full marks for all 3 subjects or else your dad will sit beside you with a cane. You had no idea how it felt like when your mother choose to believe the Indonesian maid more than her own daughter. You will never know how I lived in fear because they always threatened me that if I ever did something wrong again, they'd pack my things and throw me out or lock me in the girl's home if I was naughty. At 14 she almost called the girl's home to lock me up because she thought I was out of control. They made me go cantonment to get scolded by the policeman for no freaking reason. I was never ever part of the gang. How does it feel like to score a median of 60-70 marks for Math and still afraid to show your papers to your parents, in fear of the damn fucking cane. Because to them 60-70 marks weren't an average score.

Why did she make me go through social anxiety? Why did she have to transfer me out of my primary school just because I was accused of something I didn't do? Why did she have to transfer me again when i'm done settling down and I was left with a year in primary school? Does she not know how it sucks to be so young and scared and have no one beside you? Going to school everyday just always having this "New girl" written all over my face. Happened in primary school, happened in secondary school. Just because I mixed with the wrong group of friends you transferred me to a new environment. You made me live in torture for 4 months straight. Everybody judging me. Everybody thinking why this new girl have no place to go. I hate being labelled as the new girl. I hate always having to make new friends. I hated it.

Why do I have to live this way? I just want to have a new life.