My mind's everywhere. Something feels different. It's like I've been living in this "fairytale" for the  past 3 months and suddenly it hit me that our lives will be different once others are involved. Somehow I can't seem to digest that or I don't know how I'm supposed to adapt to it. Sigh I'm unhealthy.

It feels different. Reality has woken me up and suddenly I'm scared of the future. Or how I might react to situations. What is wrong with me?

I want to miss you but I'm making myself not to. I don't want to be so overly attached that I get affected by everything. How to love when I don't know how to stop feeling like everything's a competition? How to love if it's always about who's taking the first step in the relationship? How to love when I just keep feeling like if I give in once and I'm just gonna be feeling like a loser?????? omg

And so I gathered. An attached guy who have an active sexual life will hardly watch porn. So I don't get it still. The problem is still definitely me. Lol. Maybe one day when I become hot and unattainable, I'll not let anyone have me. Maybe a lot of people might think I may not be able to make it, but yeah. If it helps my self esteem I will do it. Devastating lol. Prolly wouldn't affect me if I know for a fact I'm not giving anything. Or if we're not having like frequent sex. But..... even so it's just always and forever not enough. & I'll never be enough for anyone. It makes me super no mood and I just don't feel like giving anymore. I'll just be a hole for you to release. It doesn't matter to me cuz I can live without sex. Sad. Perhaps one day when you're scared someone else will have me only then you will stop being greedy.

Kinda thought we were over this topic like months ago but now it's back and like what the fuck so back to square 1 with all these feelings. Hais. Who knows when it will happen again.....