It's like nearing 2 now and I've just settled down in bed. Nothing much to say about today but just the sudden realization to how guarded I am towards myself regardless of how open I proclaimed myself to be..
"Because people in the past have made her promises and they've brokened them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn't believe she's worthy of love. Because she's had too many people leave her, both intentionally and unintentionally, and she doesn't wanna give you a chance to leave too.
She has been through so much. Sooo much.. She's had moments where she didn't know where she was going to keep going. Moments where she didn't think she could get out of bed, and worse moments where she did get out of the bed and felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points she was so lost and torn up that she wasn't even sure if she was real..
Sometimes she can't believe you love her, other times she doesn't want to believe you love her. Because that would be too good, and good is not what she's used to.. She doesn't want to love and then lose you.. She's scared, because having someone and then suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone..
She might be extremely secure with herself, or she might think she is nothing. She has seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she's watching sadder stories unfold.. She's seen her friends get hurt, and she's seen her friends hurt other people.. She knows that breaking someone's heart doesn't always mean you're a jerk or a heartless monster.. She knows good people hurt other good people..
Maybe she's loved someone but knew they weren't right for her, so she had to leave them. And now she's worried that you're going to do the same thing to her. That even though you love her and you're kind hearted and you have the purest intentions, you still might have to walk away... She knows there's so many reasons why this might not work..
She listens to love songs and she lets them pass through her and she wants them to be her life. But she can't.. She wants to be that sickeningly happy. To be so in love that you aren't fazed by rude people or stressful situations. But she won't let herself. She'd rather stay on the cautious side."
This is from an article called "Why she doesn't believe that you love her." I coincidentally rambled onto this article and it totally relates to my exact thoughts to what happened this afternoon-night. I don't expect him to understand why i behave this way. Maybe some people just can't. I get it.. But I would still like to thank him.. For still telling me he loves me everyday.. I know for sure people get tired of trying to make an insecure person secure. And it's really hard because I've been through the same thing trying to persuade an insecure person.. I know it's hard and really the only way to go about this is self love..
The only reason that caused this was because I don't love myself. I don't feel worthy of his love and I don't feel worthy of myself. I feel like I can be bullied because I deserved to. I feel like I can let others step on me because I deserved to even though I'm not in the wrong. I feel like I'm the ugliest human on earth and I'm born this way. I feel like I'm the fattest living thing and it's just flawed entirely..... I can never get past myself.. It's because I can never believe someone else would love someone like me.. Though I cannot believe it I still like the idea of having loved by someone so dear to me.. But it's hard to overcome myself to love him openly.. To not feel scared that he might be gone. To not feel scared that obstacles might pull us apart... I can't handle such things...
It's so hard. I hope these are just midnight thoughts and I hope I'm just pmsing, really.. Cuz what I'm feeling now suck ballz.
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