It's been so long..

School's always eating me alive. But I'm still surviving. Emotions have been driving me crazy. Mentally and emotionally drained. It's been currently day 5 since I felt like that. I really wanna get out of this state. This state of struggle.

I miss being loved more than I love someone. I guess the reason I got attracted to him was because finally someone loved me more than I loved someone. Because finally I was able to be myself fully and the person still came to me and love me anyway. But why has it been the opposite for the longest time and it has never turned back..? I feel so much urge to hold back how I feel. When I miss him I don't feel like saying. When I feel clingy I don't feel like showing. When I need some cuddles or just simply someone to be there for me, I don't feel like bothering him in case we miscommunicate and some shit happens. It's almost like if I show too much love I'm just letting myself get hurt even more. I miss being chased. I miss him wanting me more than I want him. I miss him showing care the right way instead of jealousy the wrong way. It used to be so natural that everytime he showered me with love I just thought it was sweet and I accepted it graciously. But nowadays it just feels like with sweet nothings comes with a terrible quarrel somewhere down the road, and I'm afraid to accept it.. I'm just too scared to be happy because it never ever last... I feel like crying everytime thoughts like this come into mind..

Mornings when I wake up early and when I don't see his message, I feel so empty. Like every morning for 622 days (or more counting the days before that) the first thing I wake up and immediately think of him, i wonder if he does the same..? When I'm with my friends when I'm simply just with anyone but him, all I can think of is him, does he do the same...? When I'm busy with something, I wish to share every single detail of my busy day with him, does he feel the same..? So many questions in my head..

My heart's crying out loud and I don't know how to convey myself. And it hurts so badly inside every single day.