Had Susan's technique class this morning and felt like utter shit.. I should've just not gone. Sorry that I'm a dip 3 student and still suck balls. I really feel so horrible..
Had lunch with yaqi before afternoon classes... She gave me a one hour talk.... I don't know how to feel. I understand everything that she's telling me but why am I still so negative as a whole? Even after her telling me so much. I still feel like I should blame myself. I feel like I should say sorry to all my classmates for being such a lazy unindependent student. I feel sorry for always randomly showing my attitude. Especially when I need my peace and people break it. I am sorry for not letting anyone into my world... I really don't know how. I really can't. She told me to love myself. She told me to go home and pinch my fats pinch my imperfections and say it's so cute, say i love it. How?
She told me everytime I get angry in class she can never ever get angry at me and she will never... <- I really don't know why this sentence touched me so much I don't know. I just feel very bad and sorry right now. I feel very bad for always anyhow throwing my temper around. Or maybe not temper but how I just so openly show others that I'm not happy about something... It's so hard to hide... The most I can do is a pokerface but it'll not last... I thought of my boyfriend.. I am soooo scared one day he'll just get tired of tolerating me. I want to change this horrible attitude problem of mine but why can't I... Wanted to hug him so badly just now. I just wished he was around at that moment because I know I'll feel better after just one hug... "Missing him comes in waves... & in that moment I was drowning..."
She told me everytime I get angry in class she can never ever get angry at me and she will never... <- I really don't know why this sentence touched me so much I don't know. I just feel very bad and sorry right now. I feel very bad for always anyhow throwing my temper around. Or maybe not temper but how I just so openly show others that I'm not happy about something... It's so hard to hide... The most I can do is a pokerface but it'll not last... I thought of my boyfriend.. I am soooo scared one day he'll just get tired of tolerating me. I want to change this horrible attitude problem of mine but why can't I... Wanted to hug him so badly just now. I just wished he was around at that moment because I know I'll feel better after just one hug... "Missing him comes in waves... & in that moment I was drowning..."
I feel so depressed about school right now. I told her, and she told me that I know what I love to do, but in this place I just can't do what I love and that's what eating me alive.. What should I do really? :'( I don't want to burden anyone anymore I refuse to let people know me that's why I choose to keep everything to myself... Why is my mentality so weak? Why do I cry over the smallest and stupidest thing like a 5 year old kid.... No matter how hard I try not to the tears just dripping like free liddat.
Today's jazz rehearsal just made me feel even more demoralised. I'm a dip 3 student. I suck. & I'm being put under cast 2 (which means I'm not the main cast for my grad show jazz piece.) How fucking amazing... I know I am my own saviour. But right now I really don't know what I should do to save myself. I know I have to change my mindset. I know I have to love myself. I know I need more confidence. Saying is so bloody easy. But how do I actually go about doing it?
Maybe I just need to take a week off from school. I need some sort of a therapy. What should I DOOOOOOO.
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