Touched down in Singapore and totally felt all the heaviness on my shoulders...

What do I think I deserve exactly..? I was thinking about what happened like the day before. How he could just blame nonsense at me FOR NOTHING and then treat it like nothing happened. For the past 1 over month I thought if I fought hard enough, if I just keep fighting on and keep showing how much I want this relationship, in time he will be touched by my actions... But yesterday really just woke me up. Like lol. The guy just doesn't want this anymore. He can really just kick me out of his life and just live well by himself. Then who is this person that I've been living with for the past 3.5 years of my life..? I really am so so confused.. Where is this person????? Cuz I seriously want him back. 

"Its not you it's me" is the lousiest and stupidest excuse in the relationship book. It doesn't even make sense. 1st, if you really thought I was a good girlfriend, you'd be selfish and you'd keep me to yourself. Because everyone in this world is selfish. 2nd, if you think you're the problem then you still would keep me to yourself because you would know no one can accept you except me. 3rd, if both of the reasons aren't true, means that sentence doesn't stand ANYMORE. Because the problem IS me. 

If you only wanted alone time, we could've just paused this relationship.. Made it a clear pause and let you figure out ur things like a mature adult.. At least we both know we still love each other and eventually we would be back together.. Not treat me like a piece of trash and just leave everything to fate or even worse, "See how it goes". 

Fuck that shit I'm so tired already. & Seriously fuck you I'm not gonna marry anyone except you. I'm not gonna fucking waste my time to know someone all over again. I'm not gonna waste my time even flinging around. Lame. I am just not interested fml. The fact that I can even say this it's because my mind already fixed on him. I'm gonna be a virgin mary now. 

Might be my loss if you ever read this hopefully you don't. Keep bombing me with "what if a new girl enter my life".. Then fuck you obviously I have no choice but to fuck off from your life! Heartless. Hais. 

How can you even do that. Treat it like you never loved me before, treat it like you're not attracted to me.. You treat it like you don't miss my kisses nor hugs. I tried to be understanding and told you straight in your face I know you're bluffing and I know you miss it. Yet you can tell me otherwise. Fucking hurtful piece of shit. So you trying to say I'm not your exgirlfriend now I'm just your friend. Fuck. Means what? Past 3.5 years really nothing? I've not been attached at all!? 

I DONT UNDERSTAND. 

Basically I am in no position to start a conversation with you right now. Please don't say I do not care and shit like that. Cuz I've proven fucking a lot that I want you more than anything in this world. But you don't. Don't ask me why I don't text you first. Don't ask me why I don't talk to you first. Don't tell me that I can start a conversation with you because that will only lead to me showing that I'm clingy. Since you do not want that then don't say I stopped loving you. Don't say I stopped caring. Cuz every fucking moment in my god damn mind I'm thinking about you. 

I never fucking knew you could do this to me. Even until now I'm so fucking fucking shocked. Hais. 

Was I even special to you from the beginning? I'm really starting to doubt my own feelings.. I literally planned out my future with you and all that. It takes years to reach wherever that is but it comforts me to know we're doing this together. What's your problem suddenly doing this to me.. If you really don't want me at all if you really just wanna fuck it all, then why can't you just really kick me out of ur life entirely? Obviously you don't want that.. Hais. Then why you being so stubborn to do all this??? Be in a rs cannot have alone time meh? What logic is that. You want healthy relationship obviously IN the relationship, need to have alone time la? If you think getting together with someone means really giving all your time to just that person, then honestly all your relationships will be toxic.. Not only with me.. Why blame me why is everything on me? I know I fucked up at some point, but it doesn't mean the fault lies entirely on me.. 

Even if there were faults, its a decision to make things work out.. Hais.. I don't know what your mind is thinking.. But I know I'm a devoted fool to this man.. I hope one day he loves me back the same way I do.. All I need in my life is for him to love me. He's my fucking missing part and literally no one can fill up that hole. Don't tell me TIME WILL MAKE A DIFF. NO IT DOESNT. If it really did make a difference, I wouldn't be in this state right now. I'd be a cold hearted bitch. No man.. Hais lol. Fuck it la love hurts la. 

Why you wanna play this push and pull game..? What on earth is your end goal...? What is it that you can't communicate with me..? I'm zoning out.. Not because I don't love you but because you're making things very hard to stay. You're making me feel like I'm the shittiest person on earth. You're not even able to show me the slightest REALLY JUST THE SLIGHTEST love or concern.. If you truly wanted us to be friends, why try so hard to not meet? Why you trying so hard to force urself to be alone? Why need to try so hard if this is really what you wanted? 

Can you just wake up.. T_T Do u really have to wait until something fucking big to happen for you to realise what a big mistake this is..

I don't want us to fade.. But who are you anymore.. I'm fucking sad that I'm no longer there in your life. I'm so sad that I'm gonna become numb soon.