I don't know how to go through with this. 

I had to go through literally all the messages I sent you the last time we broke up. To refresh what kind of a shit person I was to you. Yes I'm a shit person and I totally understand how you can behave exactly like me now. We totally switched positions. I read through all the messages I sent you and I can't believe you're really sending the exact same messages back to me. I mean you probably don't know that because it is exactly how you're feeling now but yeah it's exactly the same.. 

I know you're tired I know you're burnt out from my suffocation. I felt the same the other time and now that I look back, I really bow down to your pushiness.. I mean if I actually did the same thing you did to me back to you now, to constantly send you so many texts and to show you how much I love you and everything, I think you really cannot take it and also block me. That's why I can never bring myself to do that to you. I don't want to reach to the extent of you hating me. I don't know what I can do to make us work.. At least I know last time, even though I was fucking hurt, deep down I was very willing to see you work for our rs... 

Now I feel you don't even want it anymore.. I can't assume that you feel the same as me last time.. Some parts of me believe you still love me.. But I'm scared to risk it.. I'm scared to push you to the end and then literally hate me forever. This space that you want, is exactly the space I needed last year. Why did it take me so hard to understand that? As much as you told me you wouldn't put me through this pain anymore, I just cannot feel but this time it might be really different.. 

I don't know which sentences that you say you really mean.. Do you still believe what's meant to be will be? Do you still believe god will bring us back together? It might really not be now.. But maybe in future? Or is there really zero hopes for this entirely for you? I keep telling myself I'm not the same as your exes and I hope you still feel that you might be happy if I'm ur happy ending.. Toxic.. Unhealthy.. Yeah I felt it all last time too. I understand every single thing yet now I can't seem to accept it either.. 

I wish you know how much I still want you.. I know you can't breathe and that's why I will never text you first.. Cuz I know I'm a burden.. Cuz I know you don't want to hear from me.. But please know that if you ever need me I am here.. I just wanna vent all my emotions on my blog rather than spamming you.. Because I know you will get irritated, because I know you will feel pressurised. Literally everything you tell me is what I told you last year.. Sorry for making you so burn out. I hope you understand that if you can wait for me, I also can do the same. I hope you understand that even though you feel you're so unstable now, there's still me waiting for you and there's still me hoping you'd love me back again. 

I want you to know that it is not my pride that is stopping me from texting you.. I want you to know that it is because I respect that you need time alone that's why I cannot be clingy, that's why I cannot be pushy like you did last time to me.. I know you will feel fucking annoyed and no peace. I hope you don't think I don't care anymore. Because I still do and I still want us to work out.. It might not be now.. But baby steps.. I hope you're willing to take baby steps again in time to come.. 

I'm done playing relationship games.. I know being hurt is part of everything and we have been hurt so much so much.. I want to let you know that whatever we are going through now we are strong enough to break through and come out stronger.. 

I miss you a lot.. Every single thing I see I just see you.. I fucking wish I could hug you now and I fucking wish I could take all the pain away so you don't have to block it out.. I'm sorry I treat you like shit.. I'm so sorry.. I hope time will make us better.. I hope you believe that things might work out in the future.. I hope you believe me that I say I will stop being a fat princess.. I hope you believe that I really just want you, Dylan..