My head is spinning like crazy right now because of the long car rides just now. Argh feel like fainting!!!

It's been the most torturing day yesterday. I don't even know why but what a dramatic life I've got when I seriously just need some peace.

Went out with my brother and Dylan yesterday and it turned out horrible. A small issue that could've been settled on the spot. Yet he had to make it like it was such a huge problem that couldn't be solved. I felt like if he respected me enough he wouldn't have done that infront of my brother. So that problem was there the whole afternoon and then another happened. There was a last minute mahjong game that he wanted to go to and asked me to go with him because after that we were meeting xuanwei. He told me that he was only gonna play till xuanwei touch down. Which was probably just half the entire game probably. So I said okay cuz 2 hours of waiting will probably not seem that bad. At about 9.30pm xuanwei messages me and told me he touched down. Dylan asked if he could leave early and apparently his other friend said no. -_- Irritated the shit outta me. And at 10.30 that friend of his told me "Sorry we already said before this whole thing started." So in my head it's just like "What? So dylan told me to play halfway just for fun? He didn't even tell his friend anything and instead agree on something else? What the fuck?" So i ended up waiting till 12 fucking am. I tell you I can literally murder anyone after this that makes me wait for them.

I really fucking don't learn my lesson. After last week of torturing waiting for temasek club I ended up waiting AGAIN this week. What's worse this week is that the damn house was so fucking hot, I was literally sticky as fuck and I was so uncomfortable. Now thinking back I just don't even understand how I survived that 4 almost 5 hours. Fucking wasted my time. If he was sensitive enough he wouldn't tell me "Don't pek" "Don't angry" "You wait until dulan already right". You should know it yourself. What's the point of giving me those comments. I really don't understand.

So I was in a really horrible mood and even when I started drinking I was still feeling like shit and sticky and just simply fucking hot. At some point I was just starting to get into the mood and cheering up. At that same point of time he texted me and made me unhappy. Wow. Accusing me just cuz of his damn eyes "I see it with my own eyes". So. Sick. Of. It. I really don't understand how this relationship is so weak in his eyes. Is he even using his brains to think sometimes before accusing me of something? Spoilt my mood entirely. My patience for him literally reached more than the top yesterday already. Couldn't give any more fucks. And there goes my whole night. Yes I was kinda wasted but yes I choose to do it. I choose to not deal with his nonsense. Why do I love someone who constantly doubts me regardless of how much I try to show that he's important and I'm trying so hard for the relationship? All he cares is attempting to catch me do something wrong. All he cares is scolding me if something goes wrong. All he cares is protecting himself from getting hurt. In the midst, hurting me.

I can never forget how he wanted to break up with me because of something HE didn't check properly, didn't give me a chance to explain, didn't even see the whole situation properly. That's the most shallow move ever. And honestly if he did at that point of time, I really wouldn't have held him back. Why do I wanna hold someone back that can so easily doubt me for something I never even do?

He told me not to tell my friends our problems. I'm sorry I have no one to talk to. I'm desperate for someone who understands my point of view and thankfully my best friends understand. I can't even tell my boyfriend things sometimes because of his close mindedness. Because of his extremely predictable answers. Sometimes when I think back I don't even know why I hold back so much. Why can't I be myself? If being myself = making him angry, is this really even correct? He loves to compare things to the wrong contexts. And I really lost the energy to try and explain and explain and explain. Because if he read this part of the post he'd use himself as an example and shoot me back. "I can't be myself infront of you too. Whatever I tell you you'll just shoot me back." This is never ending. We're adults. If we can't tell what's right or what's wrong, what's good and what's bad, what's comparable and what's not, it's really damn hard to communicate.

It this keeps happening I'm so ready to just be the bad person. I'm so ready to just let him think I'm unreasonable. Cuz I'm tired of explaining myself. Tired of convincing him. I know in my heart what kind of a person I am. If someone like my boyfriend don't even know and everyone else can actually say "Shanette is not this kind of person", then maybe this is just not it.