自卑

I had a really weird dream yesterday night. I don't really know if I dreamt it or not. But it has been on my mind and it really felt like I dreamt about it. I don't even know and can't differentiate reality and dreams sometimes. It is a truly shallow dream but it felt so real and yet it felt like a dream too.

I dreamt that I was being replaced by someone who was way prettier than me. Haha this is the one inferiority that I'll have my entire life. When you're in an intimate relationship with someone, they see all your flaws so clearly it scares the hell out of you. How can I expect someone else to accept something I don't even want to visually see it myself? Yes I have a curvy body. Yes I have big boobs. Yes I have an plus sized hour glass figure. So? What lies under all the cloth are just plain flaws and vulnerability. My boobs aint perky like others even though it's huge. It doesn't defy gravity. It sags. I have stretch marks all over even though I've not been pregnant. All these are unsightly. I just see my boyfriend as such a visual person. How is he one to accept such unsightly sights? Doesn't help that the places he go siambus are just physically more attractive to see. It's like even when I look at instagram and just any freaking Facebook posts with such girls I just feel so inferior. It's like what even. I'll never even have like 1% of their sexiness.

It doesn't help sometimes when he tries so hard to get turned on even though his ding dong is obviously showing otherwise. And I feel so bad for not being able to turn him on automatically. That's like really one of the worst feelings ever. Something I can never ever be able to like explain. When you've been with someone long enough you'll be able to tell, when someone's just trying too hard or if he's genuinely horny.

Did I do something wrong?
Am I in an extremely unglue angle?
Did he see my flaw?
Did he see my scars?
Are my fats showing too much?

Shit I think off when it gets soft. It's uncountable.

Sigh.

Time to let my skin heal.

Time to slim down.