You literally have no idea how it feels like to be so fucking depressed about yourself. This year just can't get any worst emotionally for me. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired of looking at me. Regardless of how many good friends I have beside me and even a companion, I just can't get past me. I'm struggling so much this year internally that I'm about to go crazy..

Yo have no idea how it feels like to look at your skin and just cry because you feel so fucking ugly about yourself. You dont know how it feels like to look at all the flabs and stretch marks and think "I didnt even fucking eat so much what did I do to deserve all these fats?" I literally lock myself up in my room because I don't want anyone to see me bare faced, not even my family members that's correct. Even infront of Dyl now it's just impossible for me to look him in the eye bare faced unless the light is off.

My life is a fucking mess itself to add on to the physical aspects. I lost my passion in dance and I cry every single time I look back at past videos. There will be times I wanna jump back into going to classes but every single time I try I get even more scared. Why? Because I feel so fucking shitty bout myself and I just can't catch up and I just become so depressed after class.. Everything about me fucked up this year. I lost everything. Really until now I still don't know where I went to.. I really don't know who I am anymore. I'm so tired I really just wanna give up on my entire life and disappear from everyone..

You dont know how hard I try to not overthink about stuff. You dont know how hard i struggle to smile everyday or just stay neutral/positive if possible.. I never thought I would've reached this part of my life where I really don't know where my fighting spirit for myself went. I just feel like my life is fucking worthless and I don't know where and how to start picking myself up..

Its fucking easy for people to say man the fuck up and stop glooming and make a change. Its fucking easy but you have no idea how much mental destruction is going on in the mind to stop you from making that change. I've been fighting alot. I've been trying my hardest not to break down not to think about these kinda shit and tell myself "Things will be better" "Be patient and things will go smoothly" No it fucking doesnt. It fucking doesnt!!!!!!! I'm so fucking frustrated because nobody fucking understands me and I just feel so so so soooooo fucking alone in all of these. Who the fuck do I turn to when I feel like shit? Who the fuck do I call when I'm up at 3am, lonely and sad? I only have me and my destructive self. It's a fucking vicious self cycle that I fucking cannot get rid of.. I want to be happy.. I want to think of happy things but the world just isn't a happy place..

I really. Never felt so shitty about myself physically, emotionally, mentally in my entire life. This level has taken its toll on me and I just feel like I can never get out of this.