Sobs I'm legit panicking and being so alone right now.. T_T

I'm so sad, what a sad few days. Sigh. Like I'm trying so hard to be like some independent bullshit woman but its really not working out. I'm really sad he's away from me. I'm really sad that he can't be here for me even virtually. I'm trying SO HARD you know SO FUCKING HARD not to like spam message him. Every single mother fucking time when I feel sad and lost and just want someone to talk to and he's not there, I just want to still message anyway. But before I click send, the whole scene of him calling me irritating will flashback in my mind. Every single time without fail. I'm not even kidding about this. Sometimes I don't know how I'm even gonna like get over this "phobia". I want to call him. But every single time I'm just gonna feel like I'm fucking irritating. Just the way he said it. It's as if it's already engraved into my mind that as long as I spam message him, I'm a irritating fucker.

I'm sad that I'm the only one feeling like this? Or at least I'm the only one showing that I need him? It feels like he doesn't even need me and I feel like a stupid idiot every night feeling so clingy and needy. Like I need him so much even if he doesn't pay attention to me. This is fucking shit. He can live without texting me.. He shows it that he can live without knowing what I'm doing or what events I have the next day etc.. Like really if I don't initiate any convo, there will be no convo between us. I'm so sad right now.

If I voice it out, I'll be named as the unreasonable one...? Because I'm supposed to be the understanding girlfriend. I'm supposed to be the one to comfort him. I'm supposed to be the one to make him feel better. Right then what about me? Yeah I get that he's at outfield. I get that he has missions to do. I get that he can't text 247. But in the meantime I'm also waiting for his texts. I'm waiting for him to be free. I'm waiting for him to have some time for me. He doesnt find that time for me.. For 2 days alr I realised he'd spend it on social medias, watching shows.. Rarely spend the minimum time talking to me.. That's the difference.. Between me and him... If i had just 30min break during work. Or even 15min.. I dedicate the entire 15-30min to him because in my mind it is the only time I get to talk to him and it is precious to me.. T_T

I don't even know how his entire day goes. I don't know when is his break. I don't know what he's up to. I fucking dont know anything at all. I get that he's tired. But are these excuses really valid if you truly missed me and truly wanted to talk to me..? I don't think so.. If I don't message him, he doesn't really message me back either. Every morning now he wakes up 2hours earlier than usual because at Australia, its 2hours faster than SG. Means he spends like 6-8hours without talking to me while he's awake yet he doesn't even send any single text to me other than just a "good morning". Some days I really question if I'm even giving him any joy or am I just being a delusional fucker. I keep trying to find reasons to give my entire heart to him because at any point in time I know I'm ready to fall. But whether he's there to catch me or not that's another question. Whether he feels the same as I do it's also another mystery..

Everyday he wakes up to my spam messages of my true feelings. He feels happy looking at it while I on the other hand feels like shit because he doesn't show anything to me. I feel like he doesn't even bother at all. Really. Am I supposed to just assume and be delusional from him doing nothing that oh this guy really loves me? No i cant. Its been about 5-6 days since he left and I only felt ONE genuine "i miss you" from him and I literally teared when he sent that cuz it felt genuine. He really doesnt know how much he impacts me. Some days really I just wonder when will he ever know how much he means to me.

Right now I'm panicking over my exam tomorrow because I'm supposed to be studying but I've been procrastinating till the end of time and I honestly don't think I can even pass.. If I can't pass then what's the point of studying.. T_T