I've been doing alot of self reflection lately and I really just think my life is like ...... ???? Confused.

There used to always be a goal in my life and that included him inside. He was my motivation and he was my goal. To start a family of our own and to build a little space for the both of us. After so much that has happened, I realised that I may be the only one who has such dreams and is working towards that dream. I feel so lost and empty. It's so easy you know, to just live day by day, spend all the money that you have just for that moment of "joy", and then at the end of the day, what do we achieve....????? Nothing.

I feel so aimless. I wish there was a drive in us. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I got to put it down first that I cannot control his life. I can only control mine. & Somedays I feel sad that he's not on the same page as me and I don't really know on what terms am I able to enlighten him. I don't know what's the reason why he wants me by his side. Some days I'm so confused as to where this relationship is going... Tbh I can say 4 years ago I was young and dumb enough to you know make mistakes. But right now 4 years later, he's 27 turning 28 soon and I'm 23 turning 24 soon... Time is just simply not on our side anymore and I'm just wondering when can we ever be stable....? I'm not even talking about financially because honestly financial stability can only come if the self is mentally stable... When can we ever be matured enough to talk like an adult...? Some days I really feel like I'm in a high school relationship. Is it because this is my first relationship? Maybe? But it's not the first for him... I thought he wanted to settle down and I thought he wanted to wife me...? When can we ever talk and have adult conversations..? I need someone to guide me but right now it seems like I have no one to talk to and I really just wish for things to be stable..