Yesterday I had a dream. A dream that felt so real and yet so unreal.. The dream took me back to the days when he still loved me alot. When he was proud of being with me, when he would voluntarily tag me in random stuff on social media, when I was still on his whatsapp photo, when I was still on his phone background, when our polaroid was still behind his phone casing, when I was very obvious the only girl in his life. When I dreamt of this, I was lying right beside him and it hit me in the heart when I woke up. Because things were no longer the same and it'll never go back to being the same. I can't imagine it going back to the way it was anymore. Every single day as the day pass, I feel myself getting so immune to everything. I stood there for a good 1-2 hours thinking about the dream when I woke up. In my mind all I could think of was how I could go back to those times.. It will no longer.

How does it feel like to be asked to fuck off by someone you love?
How does it feel like to be treated like shit when he is in the mood to?
How does it feel like to be called "irritating" by someone who claims to love you?
How does it feel like when you're drunk and you reach home and you wanna tell him you miss him but you know he's just gonna fuck you for it and go back to sleep while you're there being sad alone?
How does it feel like to know that at any point of time, the person who claims to love you can just treat you like an enemy?
How does it feel like when you do everything unconditionally for the guy you love and yet he doesn't even feel a single bit of blissfulness?
How does it feel like to care for someone's health only to get a "can you stop nagging alr" reply?

I try so hard to relief myself of those pain. Everyone ask me to move on. Everyone ask me to date someone else. Everyone tells me no one wants to feel miserable everyday just let someone else love you. Easier said than done. I will just end up hurting the other person even more because I'm no longer willing to trust and believe so easily anymore.

I'm tired I'm just tiredddddd. Why must I be 247 thinking whether hes talking to another girl. Thinking whether he's interested in another girl. Thinking whether he's flirting behind my back. Fuck lol..Why would I want a guy who's gonna consistently fuck off from me just when I need him the most? I really can’t picture my entire life with a guy like this anymore.

Even if I’m actually dating someone else now he probably wouldn’t even know. Lol. Cuz why? He. Does. Not. Care. No. Fucks. Given. He doesn’t care about how i feel. Every single time when I’m out late, all he does is show me attitude through texts. Tired then wow loads of angry words out. Doesn’t even bother trying to understand how i feel and how much I just need someone to be there at certain times. Lol. Fucking lol. The guy who used to be there for me 24/7 is fucking gone. He used to be there at any point of time. He would tell me to call him or text him if i couldn’t sleep. Now? No fucks given. He’ll say he’s tired and just no fucks given to me. Wow. Lol. Some days I don’t know what i do to deserve this. I just feel like no matter how good you are to someone, as long as they just don’t have the heart anymore, nothing fucking matters alr.

Honestly at this point of time.... It’s just a matter of getting used to it.. Who am I kidding lol aren’t I single? He doesn’t even act like my bf in any way. Lol... 一个人的生活.. 习惯就好.. 没关系了.. I’m tired. It won’t work out. Don’t know how does he not see that it’s not working anymore. I really lost every faith left. The guy i loved can never come back.