Heartbroken.

I just want to be happy, is it so hard to ask? 😢

I want to live a life without anxiety pressing me down. I want to live one day knowing that it's someone else's loss to lose me not the other way round. But sadly I just don't know what's my worth. I try to get myself accustomed to the heartache. Yet I just can't. How nice would it be to just know it doesn't matter.. Everything doesn't matter because I matter. My self care matters more than anything..

I wish I can tell myself "He likes flawless butts? So be it I can live with my scars and my ugliness. He's bored talking to me? So be it others might find me entertaining. " Instead I beat myself up and ask why can't I have flawless skin. Why am I not enough that he has to need some more people to talk to. Why. Am. I. Just. Simply. Not. Enough.

I just can't. Why do I put my happiness in other people's hands where they can destroy it anytime they like. I try so hard to maintain. Yet i fail time and time again. I fail to be independent. I fail to love myself. I fail to not bother. I'm just a failure all in all.

As much as it's nice to be with somebody and to be loved by somebody, I just can't handle all the heartache that comes with it. I just can't put myself to destroy another person's life by burdening them with that dark side of me. It's just an impossible cycle for me to get out.

Love shouldn't be a cat and mouse game.. I shouldn't have to always end up "catching" him doing something. Because to build trust, the only way is to constantly prove yourself, not do things that are not supposed to be done and hoping to not get caught..

God just show me some light please.. I'm so sad and I just keep getting sadder. I don't know how to describe this feeling but it just feels really painful. This feels like self-inflicted pain. I don't think it's that serious of an issue considering how fucked up this world has become because even cheating is not a problem in a relationship now. My brain tells me it's not a big deal, but my heart tells me otherwise..

I really told myself to try again. But I really feel like its a huge mistake for my heart.. I'm in the middle of a split road and I just simply don't know which road to choose. I'm having nightmares every now and then. Constantly worrying if I'm gonna be scolded, gonna get shouted at, whether he's talking to other girls, whether he's lying. My naive heart really thought he's gonna do well, be better and wait for me. I'm just getting so unsure as the days go by. Yet my heart just sinks deeper as the hour ticks.. I'm so worried for myself. I just know I'm in deep shit and I really don't know how to get out. This time there's no one there to help me because literally no one knows..

He tells me he's there but I know I can't depend on him. Because once he's gone, who am I to depend on? I got no one but myself.. I feel so fucking alone really so fucking alone. What I'm feeling now is at least 10 times worst than when I was in the relationship. Because when I was in the rs and when I was feeling down, I had people to confide in.. Now all I can tell people is that I'm depressed and I just am. I have no one to go to and I just have myself but I'm broken. I'm so broken I can't help myself even though I try so hard. I just break down every night trying to hold myself together. I try so hard to not show I try so hard to be nonchalant.

I hate to feel everything so deeply. I hate it so much. I hate myself for feeling so much for the wrong reasons. It's not a big deal. Why do I have to feel so much over something so trivial...

In my head all I'm thinking now is, when's the next time....


💔