THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT I TRY TO KEEP MY BLOODY FACE PIMPLE-FREE IS RIDICULOUS. Sometimes I'm so fucking embarrassed to even tell somebody I have a fucking skincare routine because they be like "Wtf you have a skincare routine and your face is still this bad?" I SWEAR. I'd rather people think I never take care of my face than to think like I spent so much money trying to keep up with having LESS pimples and still not working.. I have fucking like 6 BLOODY STEPS to my skincare routine. And there are people out there around me who only needs 1 or 2 steps and have fucking flawless skin. Why am I so ill-fated...... I'm already like 22 and still breaking out like a fucking teenager. This has got to stop man. Not only my face has issues MY WHOLE BODY HAS ISSUES SO DEPRESSING.

 

Why need so much effort. SAD LIFE 

I've been having terrible dreams for the past 2 days and I just like cannot get over it. Seriously irritating.  I don't know why I even come up with such realistic dreams but it really sucks to wake up feeling fucking moody and shitty.... :( Some days I need so much love some days I wish to murder people. I don't know what I want and I think I'm meant to be alone. Like what my mother said no one can stand my attitude. To be honest, I also think no one can stand my attitude and I'm just being selfish if I get into a relationship. As much as they will be bad for my mental health, I'm also somewhat destroying theirs. 

"The truth is, I'd still rather have you in my life than not. Part of me wishes you'd come back, that you'd make an attempt like I've made so many times but I know that won't do any good. I know I can't let you in and I know I need to stop hanging on to nothing. I need to stand up for myself. I know I don't need anyone who doesn't want to be there but that doesn't stop me from missing you, that doesn't stop me from wanting you here. There are days like today where I find myself missing you more than normal, days I want to call you to hear your voice, days I just want to ju,p in your arms but I know those days are long gone. I know I need to move on with my life, and I'm trying. But sometimes I struggle with letting the memories of you go because I can't help but wonder what things might be like if only you were a better man." 

Poor me I wonder when I'll get out of this cycle of feeling shitty and sad and unloved. At the same time I can't be independent like I pretend I can. Fuck my life and fuck myself for trying to be someone I'm not.