This sucks

So I've been.... drafting nonsense thruout this whole week. I don't know why I just never ever manage to get to the point where I just post it out. Like there's so much going on but then I suddenly feel like it's so irrelevant and I have no more points to add to the issue and so I just end up not writing anymore and hence, not posting it. But today.... Has been rather... I don't really know what's the right word to use.

I never would've thought that I'd reach to the point where I actually have encounters with FWB. I never thought that I'd discuss any of this shit with my parents. NONE. Being caught in an act has happened when I was younger, when maybe like stealing one chocolate bar is a crime. But now..... Being caught in an act has a totally different meaning. I guess I can cancel that off my bucket list.

I can't really describe in detail to what has happened because that'd be utterly inappropriate but, I've just been reflecting. Self respect, commitment, pride. I've really let myself down in so many ways in such a short span of time. Yeah the whole world can tell me people make mistakes and it's okay and I should forgive myself. But no. Guilt eats me every single day. I have no one to blame but myself because I let things happen. I'm not complimenting myself right now but, I know I'm a really smart girl. I can differentiate what are the right things to do and what are not. Who are the right people to hang out with and who are toxic. Despite all that I choose to be an idiot. I choose to make stupid decisions, just because you only live once, just because I love the thrill.

My dad most repeated questions to me today were: Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Do you really want to just fuck around and let him leave the next day because there's no commitment? No strings attached? Why are you screwing your life up?

Why have I reached to this state? I'm so horrible. I know all these are so fucking wrong, yet in the back of my mind there are still voices telling me "WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT". I was nice. Too nice. Did I get back anything in return other than a broken heart? I invested my feelings my time and myself to someone and, nothing. I got nothing out of it except hopelessness. So hopeless. Because this person couldn't even eat one proper meal with me. This person didn't even have the balls to talk about things to me. This person preferred running away.

I'm so childish. I can't believe I called myself childish. But why am I screwing up my life? I really don't know. Maybe a part of me wishes someone would ask how I am. Someone other than my parents would feel my change. Someone other than my parents to feel hurt that I've become this person that I am. After every fucked up incident I think about how I should explain if you ever found out. Part of me wishes you know what kind of shit I've been doing. Part of me wants you to feel sad that you were part of the reason to why I've became like this..

But no. Of course not. Cuz that's just me being delusional. I'm really just torturing myself. At the end of the day I'd be like you were so last season.

Lost. I've really truly lost myself. Shanette is gone. Today has made me realise what a fucked up person I've become in just 7 months. I've been recalling all the events from Feb that has led up to the current me. So. Many. Shit.

I can't face myself right now. I can't face anyone honestly. To my closest friend who know what's been happening, I thank you for staying by my side.... I thank you for not judging me regardless of how stupid my mentality has become. I thank you so much. You know who you are.